Bringing shadows into light

Last night I told Cookie about my general anxiety, my feelings of being a fake, of not being a true adult. That I was terrified of thinking other people were fallible and thus there not being any absolute truths out there. No one "in charge". I talked extensively about my double think, how I project certainty and self control and dominion over any issues coming my way, while a big part of my brain just reaaaaally wishes someone would take charge and save me. Talked about how I see my dad (and his dad, and a bunch of other men) as God-Emperors incapable of failure. Not because I truly think they can't fail. I know they are human. But because acknowledgement of their humanity just ratchets my anxiety levels to a point I can't really function. A very large dose of doublethink is the only thing between me and debilitating fear right now.

He stared at me and asked many times if I was pulling his hair. I had to be joking. What did I mean I didn't think I was a grown up? How could I not see everyone could mess up?

Oh, I know people can mess up. So I rather not acknowledge they are people.

He looked horrified for a while. Not once while I was depressed and dealing with PPA did he suggest therapy. He suggested therapy last night. He thinks this is just too energy consuming for my brain - all the roundabout ways I have to think about stuff to avoid anxiety- to leave it alone. He gave me hugs, he wondered how it was possible that we had been together seven years and we hadn't noticed that I truly thought myself a fake.

The weirdest thing about last night is that I seriously don't think I'm that neurotic. I mean, yes. I know how little sense it makes to navigate the world a feminist and silently wish for a God-emperor to come save me. To have a massive chip on my shoulder and at the same time hope no one figures out I'm an impostor. Know it all and but never have any certainties. Proud and ashamed. Still... I can't believe other people don't doubt themselves like this. As terrifying as it is to think that other people are fallible, and that with their mistakes they might harm me and mine...

I felt really bad for Cookie. He really looked out of sorts. But it was good to talk about this stuff even as I hated feeling vulnerable. I said I last post I needed to confront these fears and I can't do it unless they are out in the open. I might just become an adult yet.