The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules. Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep, since he can climb down from it or up to our bed, but really, is not even that bad. I like that he can lay on his bed, get up, climb down, play around, climb back. I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows, around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.
Sleep is the same. He keeps waking every hour and a half. Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night. He is sleeping longer naps, though, which is good! From an hour to two and a half, depending on how hot it is, where he is sleeping, noise, etc.
Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months, breastfeeding was just about being dependant, nothing else. I keep telling myself, you know, it's not personal, it's not about you, it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her, but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is. It's hard to not feel judged. I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common, but it's hard to hear things like that, like I'm doing him some psychological harm. Or the implicit idea that I'm weak, because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why, surely, he doesn't sleep through the night.
It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night. I have tried giving him a heavy dinner, massages, letting him cry, singing him to sleep instead of nursing him, putting him in his pen and walking away, staying with him, putting him to bed earlier, later. Everything I can think of. Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just.. Nothing. And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else, all other aspects of his life, he's doing great. He eats great, he's very social, loving, gentle, silly and fun, he's growing well, he's healthy and happy...
He doesn't sleep well. He's still nursing at 14 months, with no weaning in sight, no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean, but haven't managed it). On my calmest days, I say, he'll sleep when he sleeps. He's so big already, this is what's left of his baby hood.
On my bad days, I feel defeated, embarrassed, tired, a failure of a mother and wife. Because yes, I wish he would sleep. On his bed. All night.
But all we have is today, this reality we live in, and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it. I must let it go. Be here, present, today. Enjoy his baby hands on my breast, his twinkling eyes, his heavy little body on my own, and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom. One day it will be gone, and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy. I don't want to spend it suffering.
I will try to have more good, patient days, and let go.
