My stomach hurts and I feel an awful void when it's 8:20 am and I haven't eaten yet. I try to take it slow. Half a banana, maybe some berries, an apple. Something to calm down my stomach while I make breakfast. It barely lasts.
I make breakfast and I inhale it, wolfing down eggs and bread, tortillas and beans, bacon or tamales, whatever scratches my itch that morning. I try not to eat too much, but I am SO HUNGRY.
Then I start to feel queasy. Not the nausea of an empty stomach anymore, but the "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that" feeling. My stomach hurts, reflux starts to flare. I begin to bloat. By the end of the day I look four months pregnant despite not showing at all in the morning. By noon I have that empty feeling again, and the cycle starts over, but I feel worse and worse as the day progresses.
I go to bed. Wake up with reflux and nausea a bunch of times, until in the middle of the night I wake up once feeling okay. I feel relieved. Maybe today will be easier on my stomach...
And then it starts all over again.
The first trimester is a tough bitch.
sábado, 14 de enero de 2017
viernes, 13 de enero de 2017
Slow and anxious
I'm not feeling all that well lately. A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow. And unproductive. It's hard to get motivated.
I am also having some problems sleeping. Baby Peanut sleeps with us still, and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep, which is the cutest, sweetest thing in the world. But even if that only happens twice a night, and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee, plus random insomnia. I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature, I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up. I don't get very good rest these days.
I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again. When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening. I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell that is infertility, multiple losses and termination for medical reasons. I can't explain what is in with me, why I get obsessed with these stories, harrowing and so deeply private and painful. But I'm back at it, reading the journeys of people who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain. I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain. It's... A bit shameful, I guess. I have no place reading their journey, I am a bystander who has no business there. But... I hope they find their peace, their miracles. I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen, but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be. And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.
I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby. I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut. I am afraid of miscarriage, of in utero fetal demise, of a neural tube defect, of trisomies, of omphaloceles, of a diagnoses of incompatible with life, of death in utero at term, of complications at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death... The list goes on and on. I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago, going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy. What can I do, anyway?
My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years. It's been mostly nonstop, with chemos and surgeries. It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents. She's been always so loving and positive. Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now. I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near. I would like to visit them, see her again. I don't know if we can. It makes me very sad. Cancer sucks so very much.
I am also having some problems sleeping. Baby Peanut sleeps with us still, and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep, which is the cutest, sweetest thing in the world. But even if that only happens twice a night, and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee, plus random insomnia. I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature, I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up. I don't get very good rest these days.
I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again. When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening. I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell that is infertility, multiple losses and termination for medical reasons. I can't explain what is in with me, why I get obsessed with these stories, harrowing and so deeply private and painful. But I'm back at it, reading the journeys of people who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain. I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain. It's... A bit shameful, I guess. I have no place reading their journey, I am a bystander who has no business there. But... I hope they find their peace, their miracles. I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen, but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be. And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.
I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby. I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut. I am afraid of miscarriage, of in utero fetal demise, of a neural tube defect, of trisomies, of omphaloceles, of a diagnoses of incompatible with life, of death in utero at term, of complications at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death... The list goes on and on. I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago, going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy. What can I do, anyway?
My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years. It's been mostly nonstop, with chemos and surgeries. It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents. She's been always so loving and positive. Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now. I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near. I would like to visit them, see her again. I don't know if we can. It makes me very sad. Cancer sucks so very much.
jueves, 5 de enero de 2017
Heartbeat!
We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound, and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited, everything looks okay right now, so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix, between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future, and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now. I wish I was one of those glowing, peaceful, magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist, but mostly I'm the nauseous, super sleepy anxious kind.
The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long, and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks, augh!!), so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive. From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse, but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.
I feel very awkward around my friend P. Last year when she lost her baby, a lot of what went through I felt made us really close. Then.. Things got difficult between us because of the side business, and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work. And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care, but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on, I didn't know how to ask her to stop. And so... Things got a bit cold. I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year. I know I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to further distance ourselves, but I feel sad. I really hope this year is her year, and God gives her the child she so wants.
Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately. All he wants is mamma, and mamma is often out cold. He cries when I leave, cries when my mom leaves without him, doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco", my father. He's sooo taken with my dad, it's the sweetest thing, though it does make my mom jealous. But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him. My dad has always been a very stoic, emotionally distant man, and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else. I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety. I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much. I know, he's not two yet, but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases. And currently we have: mama, papa, coco, ba (his grandma), yes, no, abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car), "ahí ta" (here it is). That's pretty much it. He makes an "ahhhh" sound for water, and still signs for food, more, cookie and chocolate. I feel like he should be learning more words? He babbles and talks a lot, and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him, so... I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words? Does it count as talking if it's not the right name? Like, Ba for grandma, it doesn't really make sense. I don't know!
I guess I gotta chill. The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great, so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!
The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long, and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks, augh!!), so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive. From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse, but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.
I feel very awkward around my friend P. Last year when she lost her baby, a lot of what went through I felt made us really close. Then.. Things got difficult between us because of the side business, and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work. And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care, but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on, I didn't know how to ask her to stop. And so... Things got a bit cold. I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year. I know I can't do anything about it, and I don't want to further distance ourselves, but I feel sad. I really hope this year is her year, and God gives her the child she so wants.
Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately. All he wants is mamma, and mamma is often out cold. He cries when I leave, cries when my mom leaves without him, doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco", my father. He's sooo taken with my dad, it's the sweetest thing, though it does make my mom jealous. But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him. My dad has always been a very stoic, emotionally distant man, and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else. I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety. I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much. I know, he's not two yet, but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases. And currently we have: mama, papa, coco, ba (his grandma), yes, no, abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car), "ahí ta" (here it is). That's pretty much it. He makes an "ahhhh" sound for water, and still signs for food, more, cookie and chocolate. I feel like he should be learning more words? He babbles and talks a lot, and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him, so... I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words? Does it count as talking if it's not the right name? Like, Ba for grandma, it doesn't really make sense. I don't know!
I guess I gotta chill. The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great, so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!
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