*Crosses fingers*
December has been kind to me! I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago, saying my fees had been approved, so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job, I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!
I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work, no shortcuts, on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA. Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well, I hadn't bothered before- aaaand... I had failed that class. Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam, and I knew I had done well. Except...
I never saw the "next page" button at the start of the exam. So. I answered only one third of the questions.
Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it, except cry and take the class again next year. I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything, but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam, instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform. I am so thankful!!! That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out. I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief, it was the stupidest of mistakes.
I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant! I'm currently 7 weeks along, so it's still very early, but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day, so... Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test, and everything looked okay. Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat, so I'm hoping all goes well.
Cookie was rather surprised, since he thought we were safe. I thought we were trying for a baby, so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not super excited at first, but he's gotten around the idea and think he's happy. Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy, more than usual, and I'm really tired these days, but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.
Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach. I am not showing at all!! Ugh, it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public, I did tell my family, but.. I don't know. I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now. But here I am! With the blog! But still.. Also: the nausea, the swelling (why so soon??), the low blood pressure and the reflux. I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around, though I am also a lot more positive right now. I am cautious, but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can, since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.
I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune! Have a great new year, everyone!
viernes, 30 de diciembre de 2016
sábado, 10 de diciembre de 2016
The end of the MBA!
I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished! Last week I turned in the last final projects, and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA! All that is left is doing the English accreditation, which I should have done forever ago but I haven't, and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis, which is my current dilemma, but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!
I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother, who helped me get through this. It never felt like it was ever the right time, I never had enough time or enthusiasm, was never fully in an academic mode. I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation, but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best, but it wasn't just hard, it was a sacrifice. I had never felt like that before. It probably sounds super dramatic, but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders, that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.
The dilemma right now is, there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class, based on our final project, to turn that into the thesis. It sounds like a good idea, except the class was awful, the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I... I really want to finish, but I don't know if I want that. I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid, so I'm worried about taking the "high road" and just not finishing.
I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture, mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine. There used to be one, but it moved to a much smaller city in the state, and we wonder why. In any case, glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.
Work is okay. November was insane, since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands. She's now fine, thank God, but it made everything really hard and packed.
I continue to struggle financially. Nothing new there, though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment. For no particular reason, really! I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having the financial security my parents have. And he made me realize that's dumb. One, because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs, no matter how gradually. And two, because we are not in a void. My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build, and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever. They helped each other every day of their lives, and they he'll their brothers and sisters, and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days. And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that, so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed. Because it's never as hard as we think.
I also found a new home for Ahri, he dog I rescued! Right on Thanksgiving, too! She was adopted by three roommates, they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways. I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!
Baby Peanut is a delight, though he has been sick this past month. Nothing serious, but he hasnt been feeling great, the poor thing. He is loving Christmas this year, all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations, the stores... He is so gleeful! I'm loving this time of year with him.
Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby. It's mostly just not preventing at this point, since it's hard to keep a much more active love life. Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have. But we'll see! Maybe! I'm excited! I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35, we should probably get on the program. And he said yeah, we probably should, and then just stopped preventing. And here we are! I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky, so we'll see. I'll keep you posted!
I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother, who helped me get through this. It never felt like it was ever the right time, I never had enough time or enthusiasm, was never fully in an academic mode. I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation, but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best, but it wasn't just hard, it was a sacrifice. I had never felt like that before. It probably sounds super dramatic, but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders, that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.
The dilemma right now is, there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class, based on our final project, to turn that into the thesis. It sounds like a good idea, except the class was awful, the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I... I really want to finish, but I don't know if I want that. I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid, so I'm worried about taking the "high road" and just not finishing.
I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture, mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine. There used to be one, but it moved to a much smaller city in the state, and we wonder why. In any case, glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.
Work is okay. November was insane, since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands. She's now fine, thank God, but it made everything really hard and packed.
I continue to struggle financially. Nothing new there, though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment. For no particular reason, really! I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having the financial security my parents have. And he made me realize that's dumb. One, because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs, no matter how gradually. And two, because we are not in a void. My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build, and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever. They helped each other every day of their lives, and they he'll their brothers and sisters, and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days. And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that, so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed. Because it's never as hard as we think.
I also found a new home for Ahri, he dog I rescued! Right on Thanksgiving, too! She was adopted by three roommates, they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways. I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!
Baby Peanut is a delight, though he has been sick this past month. Nothing serious, but he hasnt been feeling great, the poor thing. He is loving Christmas this year, all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations, the stores... He is so gleeful! I'm loving this time of year with him.
Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby. It's mostly just not preventing at this point, since it's hard to keep a much more active love life. Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have. But we'll see! Maybe! I'm excited! I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35, we should probably get on the program. And he said yeah, we probably should, and then just stopped preventing. And here we are! I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky, so we'll see. I'll keep you posted!
domingo, 6 de noviembre de 2016
A year and a half
Baby Peanut is so 18 months old! A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week, since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).
What's new? Well, he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars. He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall. He loves to dance. He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah! Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night, though he asks for milk once a night usually. But his bottle is right there so. . . Easy peasy.
It hasn't made much of an impact in my life, the change in sleep. I thought it would, but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better. I am not particularly better rested these days. I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship, though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while, I was crying over everything, having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal, though.
I tried St. John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.
I am feeling very desperate these days, though, about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off. December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that. I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean. I have tried, but every month is something different that is a money black hole. The robbery, the dogs, this month is the car insurance, next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . . I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.
The MBA is four weeks from being over. I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is. I should be doing homework right now, instead of writing here, but I felt like crying. This week I got an assignment turned back, the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over, because it doesn't fit the content of the week. Except it does, he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them. I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back, because obviously it would make him lose face. So fuck me instead, right? I can do useless homework all day. The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen. I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it, how can any teacher do what he us doing. Just. Why bother with any of this.
I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday. I know what the long term plan is. But knowing is not helping me get through this. My day to day feels like such a struggle, the long term just doesn't carry much weight right now.
My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose, and had to have surgery. Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands, and it's very clear to me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried. But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort. I just. . . Can't. Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass. But I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.
Being in debt makes me crazy. Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it, not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work, but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . . I know plenty of people have it worst than me. I know this. I am fine. I can pay this debt. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have the support of my loved ones. Please, God, just let me stay one step ahead of this madness. Help me find my peace. Help me be patient. Please, God.
I can't do it all. Help me figure this out.
What's new? Well, he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars. He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall. He loves to dance. He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah! Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night, though he asks for milk once a night usually. But his bottle is right there so. . . Easy peasy.
It hasn't made much of an impact in my life, the change in sleep. I thought it would, but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better. I am not particularly better rested these days. I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship, though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while, I was crying over everything, having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal, though.
I tried St. John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.
I am feeling very desperate these days, though, about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off. December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that. I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean. I have tried, but every month is something different that is a money black hole. The robbery, the dogs, this month is the car insurance, next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . . I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.
The MBA is four weeks from being over. I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is. I should be doing homework right now, instead of writing here, but I felt like crying. This week I got an assignment turned back, the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over, because it doesn't fit the content of the week. Except it does, he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them. I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back, because obviously it would make him lose face. So fuck me instead, right? I can do useless homework all day. The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen. I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it, how can any teacher do what he us doing. Just. Why bother with any of this.
I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday. I know what the long term plan is. But knowing is not helping me get through this. My day to day feels like such a struggle, the long term just doesn't carry much weight right now.
My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose, and had to have surgery. Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands, and it's very clear to me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried. But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort. I just. . . Can't. Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass. But I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.
Being in debt makes me crazy. Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it, not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work, but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . . I know plenty of people have it worst than me. I know this. I am fine. I can pay this debt. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have the support of my loved ones. Please, God, just let me stay one step ahead of this madness. Help me find my peace. Help me be patient. Please, God.
I can't do it all. Help me figure this out.
lunes, 3 de octubre de 2016
Sudden weaning and the mourning of our breastfeeding relationship
Well.
This was a weekend indeed.
Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around. When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.
You know where this is going.
So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously, I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around. I kept thinking of the Bible, of all things. "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." So we had a family discussion, in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house, or pay for more vet bills, or take in all the dogs I ever run into) and I just fell into a hole of despair.
When we left it was raining a lot, and we couldn't find the dog. My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking... She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.
So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much). So I did.
I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay, not even too thin, and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly. We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana. It went... Okayish. They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay, more like from Odin to Lana, Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother) but things have been okay. I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection. Expensive vet bills and all, I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.
Anyway.
On Sunday we were piled together in bed, me, Cookie and the baby, both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA. Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower, and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm. I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS) and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby. We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case, because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.
Shit.
And because of the meds, I had to stop breastfeeding.
I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end. I am... So, so sad. It's so hard to give this up, I am not prepared. I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and... Now it's over.
In theory we could start over in two days. But.. I don't think it's fair to him, to ask him to wean twice.
This was the most difficult, rewarding, amazing thing I have ever done. It was bigger than me, it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.
Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.
No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.
There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.
But oh, we will never be one again in this life.
This was a weekend indeed.
Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around. When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.
You know where this is going.
So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously, I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around. I kept thinking of the Bible, of all things. "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." So we had a family discussion, in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house, or pay for more vet bills, or take in all the dogs I ever run into) and I just fell into a hole of despair.
When we left it was raining a lot, and we couldn't find the dog. My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking... She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.
So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much). So I did.
I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay, not even too thin, and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly. We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana. It went... Okayish. They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay, more like from Odin to Lana, Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother) but things have been okay. I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection. Expensive vet bills and all, I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.
Anyway.
On Sunday we were piled together in bed, me, Cookie and the baby, both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA. Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower, and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm. I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS) and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby. We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case, because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.
Shit.
And because of the meds, I had to stop breastfeeding.
I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end. I am... So, so sad. It's so hard to give this up, I am not prepared. I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and... Now it's over.
In theory we could start over in two days. But.. I don't think it's fair to him, to ask him to wean twice.
This was the most difficult, rewarding, amazing thing I have ever done. It was bigger than me, it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.
Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.
No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.
There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.
But oh, we will never be one again in this life.
martes, 27 de septiembre de 2016
End of summer
Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half. How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day. Poor dude, I guess he's tired. He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after the burglary.
I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while. It's weird, I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place. So I guess he has been improving! I don't think I mentioned before, but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old. He can now eat cheese! And yogurt! And eat cereal with milk, and pizza, and cream, and cake and chocolate and just anything he sees! Which means that so do I!!! That was a big, nice change. He loves ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt. I still try to keep him from eating crap food, but I don't like forbidding foods, I feel like it just makes them more attractive. He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake, so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.
Sleep is still fractured. He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way, so it was hard for a couple of weeks. But before that, I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being, cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all, so obviously he was making up with night calories.
I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep. I am sleeping two or three hours between takes, so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago. I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed, unless I spend the night with him on it. It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week, but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy. So I either climb back down with him or pull him into our bed again. Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it. It's not worth the trouble.
Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say, Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out. Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it. I don't even mind, to be honest, I don't know what the big deal is.
Do I wish he had weaned by now? Maybe, yeah. It would be nice to wear all of my clothes, regardless of the ease of access to my boobs. I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep. But I also love cradling him like a baby, and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs. I love his heavy, sweaty little body. I am in awe of how fast he's growing, how big he is, how smart and human he is. It's such a short stage, even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD, like, capital HARD and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know, an entire human being is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis, what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea. But it's so short.
Almost a year and a half is gone. When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough? Am I producing enough milk? Did he pee and poop enough today? Is he breathing? It was so exhausting. I was worried about his survival all the time. Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies, pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess. It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress. I do my best to let him be. He's turning out to be a joy of a little person. This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man? I never thought I was capable of so much love, never knew I was this strong.
Cookie and I are doing much better too. There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May. We do what we can, we take care of each other, we make it through another day. I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming, inexplicable, but also a conscious, faithful decision. We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.
I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while. It's weird, I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place. So I guess he has been improving! I don't think I mentioned before, but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old. He can now eat cheese! And yogurt! And eat cereal with milk, and pizza, and cream, and cake and chocolate and just anything he sees! Which means that so do I!!! That was a big, nice change. He loves ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt. I still try to keep him from eating crap food, but I don't like forbidding foods, I feel like it just makes them more attractive. He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake, so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.
Sleep is still fractured. He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way, so it was hard for a couple of weeks. But before that, I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being, cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all, so obviously he was making up with night calories.
I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep. I am sleeping two or three hours between takes, so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago. I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed, unless I spend the night with him on it. It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week, but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy. So I either climb back down with him or pull him into our bed again. Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it. It's not worth the trouble.
Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say, Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out. Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it. I don't even mind, to be honest, I don't know what the big deal is.
Do I wish he had weaned by now? Maybe, yeah. It would be nice to wear all of my clothes, regardless of the ease of access to my boobs. I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep. But I also love cradling him like a baby, and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs. I love his heavy, sweaty little body. I am in awe of how fast he's growing, how big he is, how smart and human he is. It's such a short stage, even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD, like, capital HARD and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know, an entire human being is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis, what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea. But it's so short.
Almost a year and a half is gone. When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough? Am I producing enough milk? Did he pee and poop enough today? Is he breathing? It was so exhausting. I was worried about his survival all the time. Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies, pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess. It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress. I do my best to let him be. He's turning out to be a joy of a little person. This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man? I never thought I was capable of so much love, never knew I was this strong.
Cookie and I are doing much better too. There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May. We do what we can, we take care of each other, we make it through another day. I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming, inexplicable, but also a conscious, faithful decision. We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.
viernes, 23 de septiembre de 2016
Everything is vanity
I had a rough day yesterday. After leaving home at 9 am to take Baby Peanut to my mother's place, I had breakfast with her and then went back home to do homework. When I parked outside the fence was open and the front door was wide open as well. No signs of the dogs.
In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV, the game boy and some games, my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles. They stole our calm and safety. They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.
I am thankful that it was just things. Thankful for my dogs' safety. Thankful I wasn't home, and that I didn't return while they were still there. I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.
I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed. I was an adult! I think! I did call my mom right after the cops, to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood, before I found them in the bedroom. I called Cookie, and my father in law (because the rifles, I had no idea of what we had). But... It was weird, after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes, that this was.. Manageable.
Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed. I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you. But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.
Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes. It made me feel better.
All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.
Nothing we do or experience is permanent. All things keep on changing and still, staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe. Our lives are so short. We better enjoy what matters, because it will be here for only a second.
In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV, the game boy and some games, my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles. They stole our calm and safety. They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.
I am thankful that it was just things. Thankful for my dogs' safety. Thankful I wasn't home, and that I didn't return while they were still there. I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.
I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed. I was an adult! I think! I did call my mom right after the cops, to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood, before I found them in the bedroom. I called Cookie, and my father in law (because the rifles, I had no idea of what we had). But... It was weird, after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes, that this was.. Manageable.
Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed. I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you. But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.
Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes. It made me feel better.
All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.
Nothing we do or experience is permanent. All things keep on changing and still, staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe. Our lives are so short. We better enjoy what matters, because it will be here for only a second.
domingo, 21 de agosto de 2016
To the mom in the park
We met yesterday at the park, you with your husband and your 14 month old and me with Cookie and our 15 month old. You looked younger than us, and you seemed worried about everything about your baby. When our husbands went off to catch pokemons (the real reason we were all there) you asked me how old our baby was, two years? And worried about how small your baby was, how thin, and asked if our baby was in daycare. How you were going crazy staying in all day with him, but you couldn't decide if it was a good idea to part with him. You worried about how little he spoke (I know I worry about that too and your baby had more words than Baby Peanut) and confessed, with almost an apology, that he had always been breastfed and was still breastfeeding.
Mom At the Park, I wanna tell you, your baby is perfect. I'm not saying this in a bullshitty way, like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are, too, says my instinct and my heart). But he spoke well, he had great coordination, he shared rocks with Elias, he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw. Your baby is developmentally normal. Perfect.
Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones. Stop worrying. Don't apologize, and certainly not to me, a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.
I know I worry too. I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight too, because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet... He's meeting his milestones. He's happy and crazy and fine. Sure, he's big, compared to your baby. Or your baby, he's small, compared to mine. But did you see them compare each other? They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff. They grow. They play. They are happy.
Let's not worry so much, you and I. I didn't mention, because I felt a little weird, but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday. Your baby is adorable and perfect. You are doing a great job.
I know it's hard to believe. But I think we both are.
Mom At the Park, I wanna tell you, your baby is perfect. I'm not saying this in a bullshitty way, like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are, too, says my instinct and my heart). But he spoke well, he had great coordination, he shared rocks with Elias, he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw. Your baby is developmentally normal. Perfect.
Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones. Stop worrying. Don't apologize, and certainly not to me, a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.
I know I worry too. I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight too, because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet... He's meeting his milestones. He's happy and crazy and fine. Sure, he's big, compared to your baby. Or your baby, he's small, compared to mine. But did you see them compare each other? They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff. They grow. They play. They are happy.
Let's not worry so much, you and I. I didn't mention, because I felt a little weird, but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday. Your baby is adorable and perfect. You are doing a great job.
I know it's hard to believe. But I think we both are.
domingo, 10 de julio de 2016
Everything changes but stays the same
The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules. Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep, since he can climb down from it or up to our bed, but really, is not even that bad. I like that he can lay on his bed, get up, climb down, play around, climb back. I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows, around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.
Sleep is the same. He keeps waking every hour and a half. Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night. He is sleeping longer naps, though, which is good! From an hour to two and a half, depending on how hot it is, where he is sleeping, noise, etc.
Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months, breastfeeding was just about being dependant, nothing else. I keep telling myself, you know, it's not personal, it's not about you, it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her, but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is. It's hard to not feel judged. I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common, but it's hard to hear things like that, like I'm doing him some psychological harm. Or the implicit idea that I'm weak, because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why, surely, he doesn't sleep through the night.
It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night. I have tried giving him a heavy dinner, massages, letting him cry, singing him to sleep instead of nursing him, putting him in his pen and walking away, staying with him, putting him to bed earlier, later. Everything I can think of. Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just.. Nothing. And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else, all other aspects of his life, he's doing great. He eats great, he's very social, loving, gentle, silly and fun, he's growing well, he's healthy and happy...
He doesn't sleep well. He's still nursing at 14 months, with no weaning in sight, no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean, but haven't managed it). On my calmest days, I say, he'll sleep when he sleeps. He's so big already, this is what's left of his baby hood.
On my bad days, I feel defeated, embarrassed, tired, a failure of a mother and wife. Because yes, I wish he would sleep. On his bed. All night.
But all we have is today, this reality we live in, and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it. I must let it go. Be here, present, today. Enjoy his baby hands on my breast, his twinkling eyes, his heavy little body on my own, and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom. One day it will be gone, and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy. I don't want to spend it suffering.
I will try to have more good, patient days, and let go.
Sleep is the same. He keeps waking every hour and a half. Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night. He is sleeping longer naps, though, which is good! From an hour to two and a half, depending on how hot it is, where he is sleeping, noise, etc.
Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months, breastfeeding was just about being dependant, nothing else. I keep telling myself, you know, it's not personal, it's not about you, it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her, but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is. It's hard to not feel judged. I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common, but it's hard to hear things like that, like I'm doing him some psychological harm. Or the implicit idea that I'm weak, because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why, surely, he doesn't sleep through the night.
It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night. I have tried giving him a heavy dinner, massages, letting him cry, singing him to sleep instead of nursing him, putting him in his pen and walking away, staying with him, putting him to bed earlier, later. Everything I can think of. Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just.. Nothing. And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else, all other aspects of his life, he's doing great. He eats great, he's very social, loving, gentle, silly and fun, he's growing well, he's healthy and happy...
He doesn't sleep well. He's still nursing at 14 months, with no weaning in sight, no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean, but haven't managed it). On my calmest days, I say, he'll sleep when he sleeps. He's so big already, this is what's left of his baby hood.
On my bad days, I feel defeated, embarrassed, tired, a failure of a mother and wife. Because yes, I wish he would sleep. On his bed. All night.
But all we have is today, this reality we live in, and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it. I must let it go. Be here, present, today. Enjoy his baby hands on my breast, his twinkling eyes, his heavy little body on my own, and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom. One day it will be gone, and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy. I don't want to spend it suffering.
I will try to have more good, patient days, and let go.
miércoles, 29 de junio de 2016
New bed!
Yesterday I bought a matress for Baby Peanut and it arrived today! I'm attempting to move him tonight. I'll still be super close as I put the matress beside my side of the bed, so hopefully the night feeding won't be too difficult.
Baby Peanut is still asking for milk four or five times a night. I have heard it all at this point: that he doesn't need milk at night, that my milk isn't good enough anymore, that his wakings are my fault for not sleep training him/weaning him, that he'll sleep when he walks/turns one/stops teething... I really just think he'll sleeps when he sleeps at this point. I have done at least one more attempt at night weaning him since I last mentioned it here, and the results were the same: inconsolable crying for 45 minutes followed by sighs and weeping while he sleeps. It was in no way restful for him or for me, and he keeps waking every two or three hours, so I'm really not interested in seeing if the cycle repeats all night long.
He was excited about the bed and played a lot before bedtime. He wa happy about being able to climb up and down easily, and seemed to like the feeling of a semi closed pen. I hope we have a good night! I really want us to transition without tears.
Baby Peanut is still asking for milk four or five times a night. I have heard it all at this point: that he doesn't need milk at night, that my milk isn't good enough anymore, that his wakings are my fault for not sleep training him/weaning him, that he'll sleep when he walks/turns one/stops teething... I really just think he'll sleeps when he sleeps at this point. I have done at least one more attempt at night weaning him since I last mentioned it here, and the results were the same: inconsolable crying for 45 minutes followed by sighs and weeping while he sleeps. It was in no way restful for him or for me, and he keeps waking every two or three hours, so I'm really not interested in seeing if the cycle repeats all night long.
He was excited about the bed and played a lot before bedtime. He wa happy about being able to climb up and down easily, and seemed to like the feeling of a semi closed pen. I hope we have a good night! I really want us to transition without tears.
martes, 21 de junio de 2016
The return of the anxiety monster
It's been a difficult couple of weeks. This weekend in particular was very draining as work has piled on and gotten very demanding, with clients that aren't satisfied with the end results and projects that have turned to be huge investments of time, eating away at any profit that we were going to make.
I have stress dreams and lay awake in the small hours of the morning, thinking of everything that might go wrong and thinking how I can run away from all the imagined disasters. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, short tempered, sad, just about ready to drop all work projects and just stay home with the baby.
The MBA is eating away at the few free hours of the weekend. I am constantly on, working or thinking about work, on the phone or preparing budgets and presentations or driving around and buying whatever we need at the construction site. This is my job, I know, it's not asking anything unexpected of me, but I can barely hold it together.
Cookie and I are having problems too. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of leaving. I managed to calm down and we talked, mostly about redistribution of house chores, because I am so tired all the time, I just need something to be off my plate. Anything. But it did get really ugly, even if it was a very calm conversation, and he said he was ready to leave too, but he was much more confident in our love than I was. I have been praying and asking for strength and patience and understanding, because I do love him, and I don't want us to fail.
I thought I was over PPD and PPA. Thought I had managed to get past them on my own. But here we are again, very much in the same state I was in late November. Needing help and unsure if I want to medicate.
Baby Peanut is doing great. He walks and plays and climbs and crawls. I think he's a bit behind since he really doesn't say anything but mama. But he signs some and I know he understand a lot, so I hope his vocabulary grows before it officially becomes a speech delay. He is gorgeous. Loves his dogs and gently pets them, loves to give kisses and hugs, flirts with all the ladies he sees. I don't know why I torture myself with work. I wish I had more time for my baby and a more relaxed life.
I guess I'm the only one that can find the balance, no matter how hard it might be to say no and drop clients and projects. Something has to give.
I have stress dreams and lay awake in the small hours of the morning, thinking of everything that might go wrong and thinking how I can run away from all the imagined disasters. I am exhausted, physically and mentally, short tempered, sad, just about ready to drop all work projects and just stay home with the baby.
The MBA is eating away at the few free hours of the weekend. I am constantly on, working or thinking about work, on the phone or preparing budgets and presentations or driving around and buying whatever we need at the construction site. This is my job, I know, it's not asking anything unexpected of me, but I can barely hold it together.
Cookie and I are having problems too. Two weeks ago I was on the verge of leaving. I managed to calm down and we talked, mostly about redistribution of house chores, because I am so tired all the time, I just need something to be off my plate. Anything. But it did get really ugly, even if it was a very calm conversation, and he said he was ready to leave too, but he was much more confident in our love than I was. I have been praying and asking for strength and patience and understanding, because I do love him, and I don't want us to fail.
I thought I was over PPD and PPA. Thought I had managed to get past them on my own. But here we are again, very much in the same state I was in late November. Needing help and unsure if I want to medicate.
Baby Peanut is doing great. He walks and plays and climbs and crawls. I think he's a bit behind since he really doesn't say anything but mama. But he signs some and I know he understand a lot, so I hope his vocabulary grows before it officially becomes a speech delay. He is gorgeous. Loves his dogs and gently pets them, loves to give kisses and hugs, flirts with all the ladies he sees. I don't know why I torture myself with work. I wish I had more time for my baby and a more relaxed life.
I guess I'm the only one that can find the balance, no matter how hard it might be to say no and drop clients and projects. Something has to give.
martes, 24 de mayo de 2016
Back from our vacation, time for some perspective
I haven't posted in a while so I'll try to do a quick recap:
We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents, it all well pretty well. No one said anything, just a few not super happy faces. Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony. He was the only baby cc crying, nonstop, for 45 minutes. THAT SURE WENT WELL.
After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration, half birthday party. We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law. All went well and was very tasty!
The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli. He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?
We had a week and a half trip in early May. We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them, even if work did not relent even while I was away, and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment. We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them, so it was nice. And I got to see my brother too. Flying with a one year old was... Stressful. And packed. Not the easiest of endeavors. But we managed and came back in one piece, even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach - I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well. During our trip, baby Peanut cut his first molar. Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.
I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation. It was uneventful. Cookie forgot, though after some drama he got me flowers the next day. They were pretty :)
I also had my period that day, the first one since I got pregnant. Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant. Meh. But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!
Turning 31 kind of freaked me up. I can't believe I'm over thirty. I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.
Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now. I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients. The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish, so it's a bit of a daunting project. But things are moving forward this week.
I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week. I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock. I did pretty well in the last trimester, so at least all those Sundays paid up.
I am feeling better after our trip. I was.. Angry and disappointed while we were on it, because I couldn't leave work behind, because I couldn't go to the beach, because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so, still not over his casein intolerance, still not night weaned, etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods, I managed to recharge. I'm grateful l we got to go.
As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today, I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now. Of those, 7 years I've been a free agent. I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like, I have pretty much made it on my own, and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had. It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing, and that's something to b proud of.
We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents, it all well pretty well. No one said anything, just a few not super happy faces. Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony. He was the only baby cc crying, nonstop, for 45 minutes. THAT SURE WENT WELL.
After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration, half birthday party. We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law. All went well and was very tasty!
The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli. He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?
We had a week and a half trip in early May. We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them, even if work did not relent even while I was away, and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment. We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them, so it was nice. And I got to see my brother too. Flying with a one year old was... Stressful. And packed. Not the easiest of endeavors. But we managed and came back in one piece, even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach - I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well. During our trip, baby Peanut cut his first molar. Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.
I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation. It was uneventful. Cookie forgot, though after some drama he got me flowers the next day. They were pretty :)
I also had my period that day, the first one since I got pregnant. Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant. Meh. But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!
Turning 31 kind of freaked me up. I can't believe I'm over thirty. I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.
Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now. I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients. The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish, so it's a bit of a daunting project. But things are moving forward this week.
I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week. I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock. I did pretty well in the last trimester, so at least all those Sundays paid up.
I am feeling better after our trip. I was.. Angry and disappointed while we were on it, because I couldn't leave work behind, because I couldn't go to the beach, because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so, still not over his casein intolerance, still not night weaned, etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods, I managed to recharge. I'm grateful l we got to go.
As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today, I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now. Of those, 7 years I've been a free agent. I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like, I have pretty much made it on my own, and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had. It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing, and that's something to b proud of.
miércoles, 13 de abril de 2016
Elimination diet, teeth and walking
I managed to get two weeks without caffeine without slips this week, plus a week without rice, our new suspect. The caffeine elimination didn't seem to have much effect, but the rice elimination might have. Baby Peanut hasn't had reflux in a while and I think he's sleeping better, still waking up but more because he wakes when we move than because he's in pain. Not sure if it's the elimination diet or if it's because he cut his eight tooth last weekend. It could be either, really! This whole parenting thing is so not a science!
He's also beginning to walk unassisted! Two days ago he did it for my parents first and then for me later, a half dozen wobbly steps laughing all the way. I am so proud of him! He is such a happy dude! I think he'll be more confident and walking more in the next few days, so he'll be fully walking for our May vacation! He'll be a year old in two weeks! So, so soon.
We just got him his passport today as well. I feel like he's becoming a toddler so fast! How can it be?? He was a chubby baby just a few months ago.
I'm thinking of getting a fancy watch for Cookie for Baby Peanut's birthday. I've been thinking about buying it for a while, but it's very expensive, but Elias' birthday is also our first parenthood anniversary. And I think we're doing a good job. He's a great dad. We have come a long way!
Work is absolutely crazy right now. So. Much. Work. I can't get anything off my plate! Which is causing me some recurrent anxiety, but I hope I can get on top of things before our trip. Last time I was super swamped with work before a trip I got pregnant! Now I have an almost one year old to wrangle. I sure can use the vacation, I'm really looking forward to the time with our family and friends. And no work. No work at all.
He's also beginning to walk unassisted! Two days ago he did it for my parents first and then for me later, a half dozen wobbly steps laughing all the way. I am so proud of him! He is such a happy dude! I think he'll be more confident and walking more in the next few days, so he'll be fully walking for our May vacation! He'll be a year old in two weeks! So, so soon.
We just got him his passport today as well. I feel like he's becoming a toddler so fast! How can it be?? He was a chubby baby just a few months ago.
I'm thinking of getting a fancy watch for Cookie for Baby Peanut's birthday. I've been thinking about buying it for a while, but it's very expensive, but Elias' birthday is also our first parenthood anniversary. And I think we're doing a good job. He's a great dad. We have come a long way!
Work is absolutely crazy right now. So. Much. Work. I can't get anything off my plate! Which is causing me some recurrent anxiety, but I hope I can get on top of things before our trip. Last time I was super swamped with work before a trip I got pregnant! Now I have an almost one year old to wrangle. I sure can use the vacation, I'm really looking forward to the time with our family and friends. And no work. No work at all.
lunes, 28 de marzo de 2016
Sleepless adventures
It's been two weeks since I quit caffeine. Coffee and tea joined the list of things I really wish I could have, along with hot dog bread, hamburger bread, pizza, enchiladas, creamy pasta, smoothies, yogurt, and all dairy. Quitting dairy was hard at first, but I am mostly used to it by now, it's just eating out and craving desserts that get tough. Caffeine, on the other hand... at first it wasn't hard to quit, I expected some withdrawal and super sleepiness but I felt fine. But I've been craving it kind of bad on and off since then, and I've had a couple of slips during the Holy Week break.
Anyway, it seems to me that quitting caffeine has had no effect on Baby Peanut's sleep(less) nights. He had one good night last week where he slept four hours (angels singing!) and another night where he slept two 3 hour-long chunks and... that's it. I know it takes a while for my body to get rid of all traces of caffeine and a while for his little body to clean up too, and I know the process has been impeded by the occasional slip, but.. I had hoped to see more improvement than this.
I will do my best to keep at it for at least two full weeks with no slips, and if I see no improvement I'm just going to allow myself to have it again. He had excellent naps during this long weekend and still had terrible nights, so I don't know what else to do. The good news, though, is that he hasn't fall asleep on the breast three nights in a row, he eats until he pushes me away and then just chats and babbles for 10-15 minutes while he drifts of, which is great! I have hope!
Cookie took two weeks off work and had a staycation, which was nice. I still had to work but I tried to take it easier, though I definitely felt frustrated by the lack of productivity. Today is his first day back at work and I'm feeling closer to normal.
I've been battling anxiety for a couple of weeks. I had a bad experience in the decoration project, where a mason worker took the opportunity to go inside the apartment when I was alone and closed the door behind him, and started to chat me up. It raised all the flags in my head and scared the shit out of me, and I ended up literally running after my friend's car. When I mentioned the incident to the client he was concerned, but also made me feel like I had provoked him, asking me if I had previously chatted with the guy. Which I had! As normal people do! what normal people don't do is wait until a woman is alone to go and lock themselves with her. Just. Ugh.
Our decorative pillows business is selling head rests and bed stands made to order, and we had a run in with a client that ordered a model and a day after we delivered them to her place, she called to say her husband hadn't liked them and they wanted their money back. Which might be a possibility if we were a furniture store, which we aren't. There's a reason they are made to order, so we don't have stock, and because people want pretty specific things when they come to us. Anyway, the husband had a bad vibe around him, like the problem was that she had done the ordering and purchasing while he was away from home or something, along with problems like the bed stand didn't fit through their stairs (it was a regular double bed) and that the landlord didn't want them to remove a window to take it upstairs. She then said she had though it was a pull apart bed stand, which she never mentioned. And that it was too small for their double. I got very suspicious, because these are not small and mattresses have standard sizes, and I think the problem is that they have a queen size and ordered a double. All of which is not my problem! He did seem extremely macho and patronizing and she was super subdued and quiet around him, which is making me dread dealing with them. I don't really want to face him, and I hate having these thoughts about not being "alone". But.. better safe than sorry, I guess.
So.. work is making me a big anxious, specially because I'm behind and there's weird people out there, but everything is going mostly well. Baby Peanut is 11 months today! He's crawling around, cruising around furniture, making signs ("all done" and "dog" this weekend!) and being awesome. He's so bigggg, crazy little man.
I will do my best to keep at it for at least two full weeks with no slips, and if I see no improvement I'm just going to allow myself to have it again. He had excellent naps during this long weekend and still had terrible nights, so I don't know what else to do. The good news, though, is that he hasn't fall asleep on the breast three nights in a row, he eats until he pushes me away and then just chats and babbles for 10-15 minutes while he drifts of, which is great! I have hope!
Cookie took two weeks off work and had a staycation, which was nice. I still had to work but I tried to take it easier, though I definitely felt frustrated by the lack of productivity. Today is his first day back at work and I'm feeling closer to normal.
I've been battling anxiety for a couple of weeks. I had a bad experience in the decoration project, where a mason worker took the opportunity to go inside the apartment when I was alone and closed the door behind him, and started to chat me up. It raised all the flags in my head and scared the shit out of me, and I ended up literally running after my friend's car. When I mentioned the incident to the client he was concerned, but also made me feel like I had provoked him, asking me if I had previously chatted with the guy. Which I had! As normal people do! what normal people don't do is wait until a woman is alone to go and lock themselves with her. Just. Ugh.
Our decorative pillows business is selling head rests and bed stands made to order, and we had a run in with a client that ordered a model and a day after we delivered them to her place, she called to say her husband hadn't liked them and they wanted their money back. Which might be a possibility if we were a furniture store, which we aren't. There's a reason they are made to order, so we don't have stock, and because people want pretty specific things when they come to us. Anyway, the husband had a bad vibe around him, like the problem was that she had done the ordering and purchasing while he was away from home or something, along with problems like the bed stand didn't fit through their stairs (it was a regular double bed) and that the landlord didn't want them to remove a window to take it upstairs. She then said she had though it was a pull apart bed stand, which she never mentioned. And that it was too small for their double. I got very suspicious, because these are not small and mattresses have standard sizes, and I think the problem is that they have a queen size and ordered a double. All of which is not my problem! He did seem extremely macho and patronizing and she was super subdued and quiet around him, which is making me dread dealing with them. I don't really want to face him, and I hate having these thoughts about not being "alone". But.. better safe than sorry, I guess.
So.. work is making me a big anxious, specially because I'm behind and there's weird people out there, but everything is going mostly well. Baby Peanut is 11 months today! He's crawling around, cruising around furniture, making signs ("all done" and "dog" this weekend!) and being awesome. He's so bigggg, crazy little man.
domingo, 6 de marzo de 2016
Cloth diapering, or how to be way too excited about diapering solutions
Before Peanut was born, I didn't really stock up much. We didn't buy a crib, since we got a pack and play and a bassinet as hand me downs. I borrowed a car seat and stroller system from Pam, and bottles and pumps and clothes and a changing table/tube combo and basically everything we could need from my friends and sisters in law. I bought a box of wet wipes, a doctor brown's starter package of bottles, a bunch of cute clothes and blankets.
And then I went crazy with the cloth diapers. They are soooo cute, and my mom was very encouraging, since she cloth diapered all of her children. I felt like maybe it wouldn't be that hard, and I owed it to our carbon footprint, and it would be cheaper on the long run (while I was pregnant I was obsessed with child rearing on a budget, in a pregnant lady obsessive way, probably because I feared being unemployed). I initially bought 12 pocket covers with microfiber inserts, and 6 diaper covers and two packs of snappi fasteners, despite not having any prefolds because it was all very confusing at the start. When Eli was born I got 12 more pocket covers with their inserts, and we have been using the covers ever since.
So, my experience so far:
It is really easy. Cookie got it on the first try with everything, I do an extra load of laundry each week now, two when Peanut was a newborn. That's it. No scrubbing, no pain, we just spray the poop off the diapers, put them in a pail, wait until laundry day. Wash with hot water and neutral soap and vinegar, then sundry. Living in a desert helps with the sundrying in any season.
We did not marry cloth diapers. Which means we use disposables as well and it's okay! No one will take my mom card for it. We buy BioBaby, which are supposed to biodegrade in 4 years, and which have excellent absorbency. We use them for nighttime and sometimes when we go out (and we used them all the time when Peanut got a yeast rash after the antibiotics last month).
They are a great investment. When I crunched numbers, we got our money's worth at 5 months on our initial investment the way we use them (mixed use, not exclusive). Exclusive use would pay itself in around three months. Eli is 10 months old and still using his one size fits all pocket covers, and because he was born chubby and grew really fast, these are the only ones we have ever needed. They are also in great shape. The lining is a bit worn in the second batch we bought (they are of a lower quality, though) but still holding on great.
The microfiber inserts are not holding on so well, though. They started to leak around the 4 month mark, and I think I need to strip them but I have tried it a couple of times with just not a lot of improvement. I read that they aren't exactly great, and thus I made other purchases: two packs of osocozy prefolds first, three packs of flour sack towels later.
The preforms are amazing. We went from changing his microfiber insert every hour or hour and a half to every three or four hours. The leaking accidents were due putting on the cover wrong, not because of the diaper, unlike with the microfiber ones. Baby Peanut doesn't rash easily, so I admit to not changing his pee diapers super often. We learned how to put them on with a YouTube video, and I got it after two tries and Cookie saw me do it and did it perfectly at once. My mom never quite got it, though, so she prefers the inserts. We finally got use out of our snappis with these. Never ever had a blowout, while poonamis were the norm with disposables for a long time.
Then I read about flour sack towels when I was going to get more preforms so we could stop using the microfiber inserts all together. We bought three four-packs, and we fold them to make inserts for the pocket covers. These. Are. Amazing. The preforms don't fit as inserts, and I have to say, nothing beats the ease of putting the insert in the cover and then putting it on, so the flour sack towels are just much easier. They are also very thin, so his but doesn't look quite so comical. We can probably double line the diapers and get a night time solution, though I haven't tried it. These are my new to-go liners and I only use the prefolds when they are all dirty (by the end of the week, usually, so I know it's laundry time).
My diaper covers are all Chinese and on the very cheap side. Each six pack cost around 35-45 dollars, and the cheapest ones even came with two inserts for every cover. The only thing I didn't use pretty much at all were the six newborn diaper covers with velcro that I bought with the snappis initially. One, because Eli didn't use newborn sized anything for more than two weeks. Two, because they were for prefolds, I think, but I didn't buy anything and they didn't quite work with the microfiber inserts. Anyway, the Chinese diaper covers (one was LBB brand, the other doesn't even have a brand name) are holding great, and because I didn't know what to expect I'm glad I didn't go for a brand name and much more expensive ones (also cuter but mine are still very cute). The exchange rate of dollars is also kind of a hurdle to get past, now that the dollar is so expensive.
Next time around I have quite a stash to start with, so here is what I plan to do, and what I would recommend anyone just starting. One size fits all covers will last a long time. If they don't fit your newborn (Eli was 3.560 kg and always had chubby legs) buy some newborn pocket covers (I would get 6 and prepare to do laundry 3-4 times a week). I used disposables until Eli's umbilical cord fell off by doctor's instructions so by the time we got into the cloth diapers we was okay with the one size fits all. I would still use the microfiber inserts as babies poop a lot at first so I put the insert outside the pocket so that gets soiled instead of the cover. Once my microfiber inserts all die, I wouldn't buy more, instead would get small prefolds to contain all the watery baby poops and the blow outs to come. Past 4 months, when baby poops space out more I think I would get more flour sack towels and just switch to that for pee diapers. Eli was very predictable for a long while, so planning for his daily poop was possible. Nowadays, not so much (he poops every other day or so, at different times). I still think prefolds are great for poop diapers until their poop stops beings so liquid, so up to 8 months for us, pretty much.
So: pocket covers. Prefolds small and large for diapering from 3-4 to 8 months (also, snappis) and flour sack towels.
We have spent around $280 so far. At the beginning, when he was using around 8-9 diapers a day, we used 5 or 6 cloth and 2-3 disposables. Now we're down to 1-2 cloth and 2 disposables. I think they have already paid themselves, and we still have diapers for a long while. If you can fork the initial payments, they are definitely worth it.
Also? So, so cute.
And then I went crazy with the cloth diapers. They are soooo cute, and my mom was very encouraging, since she cloth diapered all of her children. I felt like maybe it wouldn't be that hard, and I owed it to our carbon footprint, and it would be cheaper on the long run (while I was pregnant I was obsessed with child rearing on a budget, in a pregnant lady obsessive way, probably because I feared being unemployed). I initially bought 12 pocket covers with microfiber inserts, and 6 diaper covers and two packs of snappi fasteners, despite not having any prefolds because it was all very confusing at the start. When Eli was born I got 12 more pocket covers with their inserts, and we have been using the covers ever since.
So, my experience so far:
It is really easy. Cookie got it on the first try with everything, I do an extra load of laundry each week now, two when Peanut was a newborn. That's it. No scrubbing, no pain, we just spray the poop off the diapers, put them in a pail, wait until laundry day. Wash with hot water and neutral soap and vinegar, then sundry. Living in a desert helps with the sundrying in any season.
We did not marry cloth diapers. Which means we use disposables as well and it's okay! No one will take my mom card for it. We buy BioBaby, which are supposed to biodegrade in 4 years, and which have excellent absorbency. We use them for nighttime and sometimes when we go out (and we used them all the time when Peanut got a yeast rash after the antibiotics last month).
They are a great investment. When I crunched numbers, we got our money's worth at 5 months on our initial investment the way we use them (mixed use, not exclusive). Exclusive use would pay itself in around three months. Eli is 10 months old and still using his one size fits all pocket covers, and because he was born chubby and grew really fast, these are the only ones we have ever needed. They are also in great shape. The lining is a bit worn in the second batch we bought (they are of a lower quality, though) but still holding on great.
The microfiber inserts are not holding on so well, though. They started to leak around the 4 month mark, and I think I need to strip them but I have tried it a couple of times with just not a lot of improvement. I read that they aren't exactly great, and thus I made other purchases: two packs of osocozy prefolds first, three packs of flour sack towels later.
The preforms are amazing. We went from changing his microfiber insert every hour or hour and a half to every three or four hours. The leaking accidents were due putting on the cover wrong, not because of the diaper, unlike with the microfiber ones. Baby Peanut doesn't rash easily, so I admit to not changing his pee diapers super often. We learned how to put them on with a YouTube video, and I got it after two tries and Cookie saw me do it and did it perfectly at once. My mom never quite got it, though, so she prefers the inserts. We finally got use out of our snappis with these. Never ever had a blowout, while poonamis were the norm with disposables for a long time.
Then I read about flour sack towels when I was going to get more preforms so we could stop using the microfiber inserts all together. We bought three four-packs, and we fold them to make inserts for the pocket covers. These. Are. Amazing. The preforms don't fit as inserts, and I have to say, nothing beats the ease of putting the insert in the cover and then putting it on, so the flour sack towels are just much easier. They are also very thin, so his but doesn't look quite so comical. We can probably double line the diapers and get a night time solution, though I haven't tried it. These are my new to-go liners and I only use the prefolds when they are all dirty (by the end of the week, usually, so I know it's laundry time).
My diaper covers are all Chinese and on the very cheap side. Each six pack cost around 35-45 dollars, and the cheapest ones even came with two inserts for every cover. The only thing I didn't use pretty much at all were the six newborn diaper covers with velcro that I bought with the snappis initially. One, because Eli didn't use newborn sized anything for more than two weeks. Two, because they were for prefolds, I think, but I didn't buy anything and they didn't quite work with the microfiber inserts. Anyway, the Chinese diaper covers (one was LBB brand, the other doesn't even have a brand name) are holding great, and because I didn't know what to expect I'm glad I didn't go for a brand name and much more expensive ones (also cuter but mine are still very cute). The exchange rate of dollars is also kind of a hurdle to get past, now that the dollar is so expensive.
Next time around I have quite a stash to start with, so here is what I plan to do, and what I would recommend anyone just starting. One size fits all covers will last a long time. If they don't fit your newborn (Eli was 3.560 kg and always had chubby legs) buy some newborn pocket covers (I would get 6 and prepare to do laundry 3-4 times a week). I used disposables until Eli's umbilical cord fell off by doctor's instructions so by the time we got into the cloth diapers we was okay with the one size fits all. I would still use the microfiber inserts as babies poop a lot at first so I put the insert outside the pocket so that gets soiled instead of the cover. Once my microfiber inserts all die, I wouldn't buy more, instead would get small prefolds to contain all the watery baby poops and the blow outs to come. Past 4 months, when baby poops space out more I think I would get more flour sack towels and just switch to that for pee diapers. Eli was very predictable for a long while, so planning for his daily poop was possible. Nowadays, not so much (he poops every other day or so, at different times). I still think prefolds are great for poop diapers until their poop stops beings so liquid, so up to 8 months for us, pretty much.
So: pocket covers. Prefolds small and large for diapering from 3-4 to 8 months (also, snappis) and flour sack towels.
We have spent around $280 so far. At the beginning, when he was using around 8-9 diapers a day, we used 5 or 6 cloth and 2-3 disposables. Now we're down to 1-2 cloth and 2 disposables. I think they have already paid themselves, and we still have diapers for a long while. If you can fork the initial payments, they are definitely worth it.
Also? So, so cute.
2 months old
10 months old
jueves, 3 de marzo de 2016
10 months!
Baby Peanut is now crawling! No more army crawling with his face, but honest to God crawling. He also cruises around furniture and is fearless standing up, often trying to walk on his own (and failing quite spectacularly still, but he tries!) I love hearing his laugh as we run after the dogs or towards his grandma, or just walking around the house, laughing because he is so proud of himself. He has the best laugh.
He weights 10 kilos fully clothed, so probably more like 9.800. We are up to date with his vaccines and he is chubby but leaner and has a big big head.
He weights 10 kilos fully clothed, so probably more like 9.800. We are up to date with his vaccines and he is chubby but leaner and has a big big head.
Such a big head.
Sleep is still a crazy endeavor. He still wakes about every hour and a half/two hours. I don't know how to improve on that, though we got through the worst of the growth spurt/sleep regression (hard to call it a regression when he hasn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row since in months) by going back to his reflux medication. After all the meds from The Cold From Hell his stomach just wasn't the same. I'm back on a strict no dairy products diet and he's back on Nexium. I think part of the problem was that he got 5 teeth in a month, so maybe... Sleep might improve? Someday!
He has 7 teeth now, and swollen gums on the top premolars canines. Gah. I thought we might have to wean soon when he got all the teeth because he was chaffing my nipples when he sucked, but things have improved and we're back on track. I would like to meet my one year goal, then we'll see how we feel about it. He loves to breastfeed and shows no signs of self weaning, but I'm starting to feel more ready to stop... I don't want to quit cold turkey or anything, and it wasn't even on my kind for a long time, so lately when I eye my non-breastfeeding friendly clothes I just think to myself that soon he'll be done with this part of his life, and it's bittersweet. I will miss this connection a lot.
Work is really busy right now, though I'm still struggling financially. Teaching was my only steady income so I'm fully freelancing right now. Construction on C&D's house is going well, but I'm not taking any money from there yet. I am working with an old client on the design for her new home's bathrooms and fixing some issues the house has, but that's only just starting. Our side business of decorative pillows has been doing really well thanks to Pam's hard work, so I'm doing what I can to help and keep up. We're decorating and apartment for rent for a client, which has been a lot of scavenging for good design for cheap. I hope we'll be done with that next week. The MBA program is kicking my ass, finding time to do homework is proving really difficult. The classes are really off my area of knowledge and the teachers aren't doing much explaining, which is a problem I have ran into a lot with the online program. But we're halfway done with this trimester! I can do it! I have one mandatory credit left and three optional ones, so mayyyybe the optional ones can be less ass kicking? I am just realizing this, I am almost done with the core classes!
After a lot of working around hurdles it seems like we might get him baptized this month. I want to do a little get together but it's a bit daunting. So much family! Such unruly nephews! I fear it might be a disaster! But I will be glad to get that done and all the possible drama out of the way (there has been a lot of drama with my in laws about our choice of godparents, but as it often plays out, it's mostly passive aggressive drama).
I welcome March feeling better. February was better than January, mood wise if not sleep wise, and I think March is going to be better. I am hopeful. I am thankful. It's all going to be okay.
jueves, 18 de febrero de 2016
About sleep
I've been reading a lot about sleep and "self soothing" given the madness that is our nightlife. I have natural leaned towards attachment/evolutionary parenting f as a parenting style, feeling good about the way it fits our family. I decided to breastfeed, which led to co-sleeping and then bedsharing, and my biggest problem has been how other people react when they find out, not the act itself. I babywear when possible and try to keep the baby from crying by being responsive. We did try (and failed spectacularly) to Ferberize at 5 months, when I was not sleeping and going crazy. Now I see that it was too soon to even try (sleep training before six months isn't even recommended, no matter what my in laws say) and I have realized that Baby Peanut is probably not even a candidate for sleep training.
Ask Moxie has excellent posts about tension increasers and decreasers. A tension increaser gets more and more worked up as he cries, and a decreaser calms down after a good cry. I have a hard time with even the idea of CIO because I am a tension increaser myself: crying leads to feeling exhausted, sick, like the world is an awful place, blerg. It doesn't really help me process and feel better, it's just an explosion of energy and them an awful long period of recovery. If I have a good cry, it usually takes me all day and all night to feel back to normal. Crying is just not my cup of tea.
I think Cookie is also an increaser since he marinades in gloom and doesn't bounce back easily from anger or sadness, but I am not as sure with him as I am with myself. He just doesn't cry. What I do know, is that he is a terrible sleeper. He fights sleep all day and all night, wants to stay up playing, gets in awful moods because he is tired and eventually he crashes.
So I don't think it's hard to guess that we have a tension increaser baby as well. Knowing that not responding to crying alters a baby's cortisol levels (cortisol being the stress hormone) up to 4 times the normal level, I can't really justify to myself to let Eli cry in hopes he'll fall asleep alone and that he'll learn to "self soothe", when I can't at 30 years old. Some babies don't signal when they wake (so, no crying) but some babies do. When do they *have* to stop signaling when they wake? Like all things babies, each baby is different, and the neurological maturity each has will dictate when he reaches his milestone.
Last week I was talking with my friend Pam, and she told me her grandma, a 94 year old, asked her if her toddler was sleeping through the night. Her boy is 26 months old, and she said yes, of course he was, and her grandma was surprised because he was very young and kids take a long time to sleep through the night. So. I guess, somewhere between the time she raised her babies and now, we decided babies had to be "independent sleepers" once they hit 6 months old.
I also found really interesting research about the vagal nerve, that might correlate with the tension increaser and decreaser concepts (I made this correlation myself, so obviously might be wrong). Some babies (specially preemies, but many full term) are born with an immature vagal system. The vagal nerve controls the heart, stomach, breathing, sucking and the facial muscles. It's the nerve that controls our heartbeat when we need to fight or fly, allowing it to speed up by releasing a "break", letting us use more resources in time of need. Immature vagal nerves don't put the break back on when the demanding activity (breastfeeding, for example, or crying) ends, making the baby feel like the danger, so to speak, hasn't passed. So they are more difficult to calm. Breastfeeding apparently helps the vagal nerve to mature, but I think it can probably explain why some babies just don't calm easily after the crying starts, so CIO is just not going to work for them since it's physiologically impossible for them to calm down unaided.
Cookie asked how this can help us with our crazy nights and I guess it can't! Except to teach me patience and let me be there for baby Peanut, reassuring him that he is safe, he is loved, mama is right here.
Ask Moxie has excellent posts about tension increasers and decreasers. A tension increaser gets more and more worked up as he cries, and a decreaser calms down after a good cry. I have a hard time with even the idea of CIO because I am a tension increaser myself: crying leads to feeling exhausted, sick, like the world is an awful place, blerg. It doesn't really help me process and feel better, it's just an explosion of energy and them an awful long period of recovery. If I have a good cry, it usually takes me all day and all night to feel back to normal. Crying is just not my cup of tea.
I think Cookie is also an increaser since he marinades in gloom and doesn't bounce back easily from anger or sadness, but I am not as sure with him as I am with myself. He just doesn't cry. What I do know, is that he is a terrible sleeper. He fights sleep all day and all night, wants to stay up playing, gets in awful moods because he is tired and eventually he crashes.
So I don't think it's hard to guess that we have a tension increaser baby as well. Knowing that not responding to crying alters a baby's cortisol levels (cortisol being the stress hormone) up to 4 times the normal level, I can't really justify to myself to let Eli cry in hopes he'll fall asleep alone and that he'll learn to "self soothe", when I can't at 30 years old. Some babies don't signal when they wake (so, no crying) but some babies do. When do they *have* to stop signaling when they wake? Like all things babies, each baby is different, and the neurological maturity each has will dictate when he reaches his milestone.
Last week I was talking with my friend Pam, and she told me her grandma, a 94 year old, asked her if her toddler was sleeping through the night. Her boy is 26 months old, and she said yes, of course he was, and her grandma was surprised because he was very young and kids take a long time to sleep through the night. So. I guess, somewhere between the time she raised her babies and now, we decided babies had to be "independent sleepers" once they hit 6 months old.
I also found really interesting research about the vagal nerve, that might correlate with the tension increaser and decreaser concepts (I made this correlation myself, so obviously might be wrong). Some babies (specially preemies, but many full term) are born with an immature vagal system. The vagal nerve controls the heart, stomach, breathing, sucking and the facial muscles. It's the nerve that controls our heartbeat when we need to fight or fly, allowing it to speed up by releasing a "break", letting us use more resources in time of need. Immature vagal nerves don't put the break back on when the demanding activity (breastfeeding, for example, or crying) ends, making the baby feel like the danger, so to speak, hasn't passed. So they are more difficult to calm. Breastfeeding apparently helps the vagal nerve to mature, but I think it can probably explain why some babies just don't calm easily after the crying starts, so CIO is just not going to work for them since it's physiologically impossible for them to calm down unaided.
Cookie asked how this can help us with our crazy nights and I guess it can't! Except to teach me patience and let me be there for baby Peanut, reassuring him that he is safe, he is loved, mama is right here.
miércoles, 17 de febrero de 2016
Things my doctor said
You look sad.
I think you have post partum depression and we didn't catch it earlier.
How long has it been, 10 months? Why didn't you come sooner?
We could give you some antidepressants, though if you are still breastfeeding...
If you continue to feel bad and you decide to wean the baby, we can get you on some meds.
----
Soooo. I am not on meds. I don't plan to wean Baby Peanut for a while. My breastfeeding goal was one year, and I feel like the worst of the PPD and PPA is mostly over.
I ended up going to the doctor because an unrelated problem. It seems I might have some sort of allergy and irritation on the lady parts. Funnnn. If the treatment doesn't work I'm in for some testing, since it's making our love life pretty much non existent. Meh. We have had some arguments and lots of guilt and unhappiness in that department. The doctor says part of the problem is the PPD, but there is definitely something else going on. So.
Peanut continues to not sleep, even worse than before. Wakes every hour, every hour and a half. It's difficult. Very, very difficult. I had stopped the reflux medication but I think we're going to go back to it, and hopefully the sleep will improve. He's getting better at crawling though! Still not quite there, but getting there!
I've been reading a lot about sleep. It's not helping to improve his sleep, but it's very interesting and I think it's helping me to cope, at least. He'll sleep when he sleeps, I guess!
I think you have post partum depression and we didn't catch it earlier.
How long has it been, 10 months? Why didn't you come sooner?
We could give you some antidepressants, though if you are still breastfeeding...
If you continue to feel bad and you decide to wean the baby, we can get you on some meds.
----
Soooo. I am not on meds. I don't plan to wean Baby Peanut for a while. My breastfeeding goal was one year, and I feel like the worst of the PPD and PPA is mostly over.
I ended up going to the doctor because an unrelated problem. It seems I might have some sort of allergy and irritation on the lady parts. Funnnn. If the treatment doesn't work I'm in for some testing, since it's making our love life pretty much non existent. Meh. We have had some arguments and lots of guilt and unhappiness in that department. The doctor says part of the problem is the PPD, but there is definitely something else going on. So.
Peanut continues to not sleep, even worse than before. Wakes every hour, every hour and a half. It's difficult. Very, very difficult. I had stopped the reflux medication but I think we're going to go back to it, and hopefully the sleep will improve. He's getting better at crawling though! Still not quite there, but getting there!
I've been reading a lot about sleep. It's not helping to improve his sleep, but it's very interesting and I think it's helping me to cope, at least. He'll sleep when he sleeps, I guess!
domingo, 31 de enero de 2016
9 months
So finally little Peanut has lived in the outside world as long as he lived in my womb. That is some really crazy perspective.
He's currently fighting a throat infection, and though he has been better yesterday and today, he's still on antibiotics (or, more like back on antibiotics, since he finished the prescribed period but the symptoms persist so the doctor said to continue a few more days). It has been a very difficult week, though in general I feel like January was a bit better. This week was marked by bouts of vomiting, fever, screaming and crying while we gave him dose after dose of medicines and a really exhausted household.
This week also marks my return to the MBA. I am terrified because I have very little free time for homework, so even though it's all virtual, or maybe because it is, it is really hard to dedicate six or eight hours a week to it. I am struggling because when I'm home with the husband and the baby there is really not a way to disengage from them.
I made a resolution this week to talk people around me up, instead of complaining about them (this week was heavy on the complaining side), but I struggle with the level of shared responsibility for the baby with Cookie. Doing homework (or more like, trying and failing) for the master is just one symptom of the problem. I don't know how to breach the subject without having an open war, but I think I'm reaching the point that if it takes a full blown ugly argument to touch the subject, I'll have a full blown ugly argument. I know I tend to blame other people and be angry with them when things don't go as I planned them, when in reality I am also to blame and most things cannot be planned or expected to go as one wishes, so I reaaaally need to work on that because it's a very ugly trait of mine.
So. Talking up. Not blaming (even if it's done 90% just in my head). Add those to my 2016 list, along with having a meatless dinner a week (this week is was fried rice with veggies, last week it was veggie chow mein! I am looking for more suggestions/ideas!) and cooking more. Since I got pregnant and most of last year I really pushed the envelope on eating out because no time, cooking making me nauseous, etc, but it's hurting our budget. I am trying to get back on track on the budgeting and better financial organization as well. So far... Uhh. Well, as soon as I finish paying my car insurance I'll be debt free, and ready to start saving again. Last year I didn't meet my savings mark because I went crazy on December. Between Christmas presents and impulse buys and paying bonuses for my eventual employees (some of them, like our cleaning lady and my first mason at work not really eventual at all) it got really out of hand.
We also had a few things to pay for that hit me this month, one of them our water pump breaking and needing to be entirely replaced (waaah!) and the yearly house taxes and the car yearly service. On the good news, I finished Ms. T's house renovation and I am mostly done with a facade project. The project that was stressing me out the most kind of fell through the cracks and the client never contacted me again. I think we are even? The first payment does cover what I did, pretty much, so. I am not worrying about it anymore.
On the work department there are some new projects on the horizon. Tomorrow me and Pam are meeting a client for whom we made an interior design proposal and budget last week. Cris and David's house addition, which I started on December, is going a bit slowly, but it's going well, so I'm hoping February shows some mayor advances there. Currently we have all the columns and the iron structure for the major beams of the first floor, which I hope we can pour next weekend. So by the end of next month I hope we'll be working on the second floor's roof.
Eli's achievements are many! I haven't weighted or measured him this month, but he can cruise around the playpen, stand up supporting himself, and kinda scoot backwards when he tries to crawl. Crawling is his bane! He can't get his head around it. But he claps and says 'mama' and 'apa' and feeds himself and signs milk and more, he waves bye bye, gives many hugs and kisses, and loves pandas so much. He points where the panda is on one of his books and loves to touch and look at the box of Takenoko. I am currently trying to teach him the signs for mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, sleep, cookie, bath, all done, diaper change, eat and thirsty. He.. Doesn't seem to give a damn! But maybe soon?
On the sleep front, we're still bedsharing and he's still waking up multiple times a night to feed. It's hard, but this week while he was sick he would only take the breast, and then for a day and a half he wouldn't even breastfeed much, he felt so sick, that I am very grateful that he's feeling better enough to wake up to eat. I know he will eventually demand less milk, even if right now it feels like he's the only 9 month old that doesn't sleep a long stretch at night. I have been trying to coach my sister in law, who had a failed breastfeeding relationship with her son 7 years ago, with her new baby. Her pediatrician is not supportive at all and this causes her plenty of confusion and anxiety. My other sister in law's sister also gave birth this month and I gave some more successful advice to her, so that makes me happy! I am still halfway through the breastfeeding online certification class I started months ago, but a lot of the initial problems with breastfeeding come from un supportive pediatricians or family. My brother's wife also had a baby girl this month (so many babies!) but her previous experience was mostly successful, so we talk about it a lot, and it's nice to have that to bond over, since we aren't super close. I am currently That Crazy Breastfeeding Lady, I know.
The baby is asleep to I will return to homework for as long as it lasts! I can do this! 12 more weeks to go!
He's currently fighting a throat infection, and though he has been better yesterday and today, he's still on antibiotics (or, more like back on antibiotics, since he finished the prescribed period but the symptoms persist so the doctor said to continue a few more days). It has been a very difficult week, though in general I feel like January was a bit better. This week was marked by bouts of vomiting, fever, screaming and crying while we gave him dose after dose of medicines and a really exhausted household.
This week also marks my return to the MBA. I am terrified because I have very little free time for homework, so even though it's all virtual, or maybe because it is, it is really hard to dedicate six or eight hours a week to it. I am struggling because when I'm home with the husband and the baby there is really not a way to disengage from them.
I made a resolution this week to talk people around me up, instead of complaining about them (this week was heavy on the complaining side), but I struggle with the level of shared responsibility for the baby with Cookie. Doing homework (or more like, trying and failing) for the master is just one symptom of the problem. I don't know how to breach the subject without having an open war, but I think I'm reaching the point that if it takes a full blown ugly argument to touch the subject, I'll have a full blown ugly argument. I know I tend to blame other people and be angry with them when things don't go as I planned them, when in reality I am also to blame and most things cannot be planned or expected to go as one wishes, so I reaaaally need to work on that because it's a very ugly trait of mine.
So. Talking up. Not blaming (even if it's done 90% just in my head). Add those to my 2016 list, along with having a meatless dinner a week (this week is was fried rice with veggies, last week it was veggie chow mein! I am looking for more suggestions/ideas!) and cooking more. Since I got pregnant and most of last year I really pushed the envelope on eating out because no time, cooking making me nauseous, etc, but it's hurting our budget. I am trying to get back on track on the budgeting and better financial organization as well. So far... Uhh. Well, as soon as I finish paying my car insurance I'll be debt free, and ready to start saving again. Last year I didn't meet my savings mark because I went crazy on December. Between Christmas presents and impulse buys and paying bonuses for my eventual employees (some of them, like our cleaning lady and my first mason at work not really eventual at all) it got really out of hand.
We also had a few things to pay for that hit me this month, one of them our water pump breaking and needing to be entirely replaced (waaah!) and the yearly house taxes and the car yearly service. On the good news, I finished Ms. T's house renovation and I am mostly done with a facade project. The project that was stressing me out the most kind of fell through the cracks and the client never contacted me again. I think we are even? The first payment does cover what I did, pretty much, so. I am not worrying about it anymore.
On the work department there are some new projects on the horizon. Tomorrow me and Pam are meeting a client for whom we made an interior design proposal and budget last week. Cris and David's house addition, which I started on December, is going a bit slowly, but it's going well, so I'm hoping February shows some mayor advances there. Currently we have all the columns and the iron structure for the major beams of the first floor, which I hope we can pour next weekend. So by the end of next month I hope we'll be working on the second floor's roof.
Eli's achievements are many! I haven't weighted or measured him this month, but he can cruise around the playpen, stand up supporting himself, and kinda scoot backwards when he tries to crawl. Crawling is his bane! He can't get his head around it. But he claps and says 'mama' and 'apa' and feeds himself and signs milk and more, he waves bye bye, gives many hugs and kisses, and loves pandas so much. He points where the panda is on one of his books and loves to touch and look at the box of Takenoko. I am currently trying to teach him the signs for mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, sleep, cookie, bath, all done, diaper change, eat and thirsty. He.. Doesn't seem to give a damn! But maybe soon?
On the sleep front, we're still bedsharing and he's still waking up multiple times a night to feed. It's hard, but this week while he was sick he would only take the breast, and then for a day and a half he wouldn't even breastfeed much, he felt so sick, that I am very grateful that he's feeling better enough to wake up to eat. I know he will eventually demand less milk, even if right now it feels like he's the only 9 month old that doesn't sleep a long stretch at night. I have been trying to coach my sister in law, who had a failed breastfeeding relationship with her son 7 years ago, with her new baby. Her pediatrician is not supportive at all and this causes her plenty of confusion and anxiety. My other sister in law's sister also gave birth this month and I gave some more successful advice to her, so that makes me happy! I am still halfway through the breastfeeding online certification class I started months ago, but a lot of the initial problems with breastfeeding come from un supportive pediatricians or family. My brother's wife also had a baby girl this month (so many babies!) but her previous experience was mostly successful, so we talk about it a lot, and it's nice to have that to bond over, since we aren't super close. I am currently That Crazy Breastfeeding Lady, I know.
The baby is asleep to I will return to homework for as long as it lasts! I can do this! 12 more weeks to go!
lunes, 11 de enero de 2016
High hopes
I'm feeling much better than at the end of 2015 these days. Though I'm really tired I feel like I'm coping a bit better with my anxiety.
This week I signed back on the MBA. I have six credits left (out of sixteen!) SO I really think my if I can stick to it I can finish it this year. It's been six years since I started it, I feel pretty embarrassed! When I first started I only did two classes, then started a four year hiatus as I started freelancing, then met Cookie, then married. Two year ago I returned, and was progressing well, then took another break when baby Peanut was born and I returned to school. I didn't feel like I could manage the MBA on top of that, but now that I'm not teaching anymore... I am very nervous out, I hope I can manage. It's all online, so in theory I have a chance of doing in it my "own" time. I don't feel like a own a lot of time right now, though! Hopefully Cookie will step up and help me more with the baby on weekends so I can do homework.
I don't particularly need the MBA for my work, so mostly this is a time investment for when I return to teach, in what
Cookie and I estimate will be five to ten years. A lot will obviously change in that time! But I need the grade for teaching in most schools, and right now I had managed that by being on the program and having an estimated date to finishing it. So having the grade will be an asset, come what may.
I also really want to finish it because my father is retiring this year. Because he works at the University this is probably the last year I can get a scholarship. Another reason to be embarrassed for not finishing sooner! Without the scholarship it would be a bit difficult for me to pay for it. I suppose I just kept letting life get in the way and being complacent, but I have a serious deadline now.
This week I signed back on the MBA. I have six credits left (out of sixteen!) SO I really think my if I can stick to it I can finish it this year. It's been six years since I started it, I feel pretty embarrassed! When I first started I only did two classes, then started a four year hiatus as I started freelancing, then met Cookie, then married. Two year ago I returned, and was progressing well, then took another break when baby Peanut was born and I returned to school. I didn't feel like I could manage the MBA on top of that, but now that I'm not teaching anymore... I am very nervous out, I hope I can manage. It's all online, so in theory I have a chance of doing in it my "own" time. I don't feel like a own a lot of time right now, though! Hopefully Cookie will step up and help me more with the baby on weekends so I can do homework.
I don't particularly need the MBA for my work, so mostly this is a time investment for when I return to teach, in what
Cookie and I estimate will be five to ten years. A lot will obviously change in that time! But I need the grade for teaching in most schools, and right now I had managed that by being on the program and having an estimated date to finishing it. So having the grade will be an asset, come what may.
I also really want to finish it because my father is retiring this year. Because he works at the University this is probably the last year I can get a scholarship. Another reason to be embarrassed for not finishing sooner! Without the scholarship it would be a bit difficult for me to pay for it. I suppose I just kept letting life get in the way and being complacent, but I have a serious deadline now.
Suscribirse a:
Entradas (Atom)