End of summer

Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half.  How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day.  Poor dude,  I guess he's tired.  He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after  the burglary.

I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while.  It's weird,  I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place.  So I guess he has been improving!  I don't think I mentioned before,  but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old.  He can now eat cheese!  And yogurt!  And eat cereal with milk,  and pizza,  and cream,  and cake and chocolate and just anything  he sees!  Which means that so do I!!! That was a big,  nice change.  He loves  ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt.  I still try to keep him from eating crap food,  but I don't like forbidding foods,  I feel like it just makes them more attractive.  He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake,  so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.

Sleep is still fractured.  He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way,  so it was hard for a couple of weeks.  But before that,  I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being,  cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all,  so obviously he was making up with night calories.

I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep.  I am sleeping two or three hours between takes,  so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago.  I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed,  unless I spend the night with him on it.  It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week,  but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy.  So I either climb back down with him or pull him into  our bed again.  Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it.  It's not worth the trouble.

Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep.  Or,  I guess it's more accurate to say,  Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out.  Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it.  I don't even mind,  to be honest,  I don't know what the big deal is.

Do I wish he had weaned by now?  Maybe,  yeah.  It would be nice to wear all of my clothes,  regardless of the ease of access to my boobs.  I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep.  But I also love cradling him like a baby,  and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs.  I love his heavy,  sweaty little body.  I am in awe of how fast he's growing,  how big he is,  how smart and human he is.  It's such a short stage,  even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD,  like,  capital HARD  and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know,  an entire human being  is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis,  what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea.  But it's so short.

Almost a year and a half is gone.  When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough?  Am I producing enough milk?  Did he pee and poop enough today?  Is he breathing?  It was so exhausting.  I was worried about his survival all the time.  Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies,  pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess.  It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress.  I do my best to let him be.  He's turning out to be a joy of a little person.  This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man?  I never thought I was capable of so much love,  never knew I was this strong.

Cookie and I are doing much better too.  There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May.  We do what we can, we take care of each other,  we make it through another day.  I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming,  inexplicable,  but also a conscious,  faithful decision.  We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.

Everything is vanity

I had a rough day yesterday.  After leaving home at 9 am to take Baby Peanut to my mother's place,  I had breakfast with her and then went back home to do homework.  When I parked outside the fence was open and the front door was wide open as well.  No signs of the dogs.

In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV,  the game boy and some games,  my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles.  They stole our calm and safety.  They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.

I am thankful that it was just things.  Thankful for my dogs' safety.  Thankful I wasn't home,  and that I didn't return while they were still there.  I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.

I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed.  I was an adult!  I think!  I did call my mom right after the cops,  to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood,  before I found them in the bedroom.  I called Cookie,  and my father in law (because the rifles,  I had no idea of what we had).  But...  It was weird,  after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes,  that this was..  Manageable.

Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed.  I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you.  But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.

Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes.  It made me feel better.

All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.

Nothing we do or experience is permanent.  All things keep on changing and still,  staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe.  Our lives are so short.  We better enjoy what matters,  because it will be here for only a second.