Well.
This was a weekend indeed.
Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around. When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.
You know where this is going.
So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously, I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around. I kept thinking of the Bible, of all things. "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." So we had a family discussion, in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house, or pay for more vet bills, or take in all the dogs I ever run into) and I just fell into a hole of despair.
When we left it was raining a lot, and we couldn't find the dog. My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking... She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.
So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much). So I did.
I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay, not even too thin, and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly. We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana. It went... Okayish. They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay, more like from Odin to Lana, Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother) but things have been okay. I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection. Expensive vet bills and all, I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.
Anyway.
On Sunday we were piled together in bed, me, Cookie and the baby, both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA. Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower, and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm. I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS) and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby. We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case, because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.
Shit.
And because of the meds, I had to stop breastfeeding.
I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end. I am... So, so sad. It's so hard to give this up, I am not prepared. I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and... Now it's over.
In theory we could start over in two days. But.. I don't think it's fair to him, to ask him to wean twice.
This was the most difficult, rewarding, amazing thing I have ever done. It was bigger than me, it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.
Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.
No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.
There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.
But oh, we will never be one again in this life.
