The little things

The hardest part of depression right now is my inability to cope with even the smallest of problems. I will be fine for days and then a minor bump juat sends me into paralized fear and anxiety attacks, nightmares and breakdowns. I feel ridiculous, and it's mortifying, knowing people can see how absurd my breakdown is. Cookie is handling things (me) as gently as he can, but I know he's way out of his depth.

Last night baby Peanut bit me twice while he was nursing, after a rough day at work. He was very fussy and difficult, and I lost it. I went to our room to scream into the pillow, then tried to nurse him to sleep when I calmed down, but he just wanted to play. Cookie settled him in the crib and he just started to cry like sixty seconds later. I broke down and cried, big ugly sobs of woe is me. I was so tired and cold and I just needed someone to take over. Which I think might even be normal, except I feel like that about my whole life. I wish someone would take over.

My phone fell on Christmas Eve and the screen shattered. It has been acting up and making my life a little bit harder. I am not dealing with that very well. After the total breakdown of last night Cookie started to search for a new phone or a way to change the screen on this one. And I have to say, just that gesture made me feel better. Like, if he's taking care of that (of me) then I can.. Do the rest? Maybe?

I admit I've been having thoughts of death more often than before. I kind of always have had them, in the back of my mind, and they come to the surface now and then. I quickly forget they were there after a little while. Last night they had their moment, front and center. I had completely forgotten bout them until just now. That might be a good thing? At least they are not pervasive?

I hate the winter cold. It makes everything so much harder. I don't feel like I had much of a break over the holidays, with all the frantic last minute shopping and work and all the gatherings. I hope January gets me a few days to recharge, then everything will (probably) be better.

Frayed at the edges

I guess there are only so many posts I can make about being depressed and dealing with the waves of anxiety that keep throwing me off balance, but here is one more.

The holidays are always a taxing time for me. Seeing so much family and meeting friends and going to Christmas' parties (which I bypassed entirely this year) usually means that by December 26th I'm really frayed at the edges. By the end of the year I am on the verge of screaming. I don't have much time to recharge and it's cold and I know it sounds so ungrateful, like, ugh, I have all this *family* and *friends*, but it's not that! I love seeing them, but my energy levels just plummet as the season progresses.

Add baby Peanut to the mix and our household is hella tired, including the baby. He's missing naps and going really late to bed and missing baths and his meds for the reflux and too excited to eat and skipping meals, getting up early to meet people, so many new uncles and aunts! So much love! It's awesome and I am so happy that he got to meet pretty much everybody, and that they met him and had a chance of spending time with him one on one. It's been awesome! And exhausting!

Tomorrow I'm starting the house addition I didn't want to start during Christmas' week. I don't want to start it tomorrow either. I took on another project for a facade as well. I don't know how to stop! I don't want to have so much work right now, but I don't think I can outright stop working. I feel overwhelmed and anxious and stressed, as is the usual lately.

A friend had a c-section last Monday. I am really glad that everything went really well, specially because she lost a baby last year. We were pregnant together for a while. She seems to be doing so well, she's so happy and seems so relaxed! I... I am envious of how quickly she bonded with her baby, of how together she seems. I feel like I'm falling to pieces while she breezes through the first week post partum. Of course I'm glad for her! I don't wish PPD/PPA on anyone. I wish I was more together, though.

I dropped my phone on Christmas Eve and broke the display. This has been one really expensive December. But, on the bright side, I saw all of my college friends this week. I had breakfast/lunch/dinner with them, and I saw Cookie's college friends as well. It was awesome. I felt loved and comfortable and laughed a lot. I am thankful. Here's to good friends, family, and a healthier 2016.

Random things that keep me distracted

First! Milestones: Baby Peanut is now searching for us around the corner when we play peakaboo, indicating his growing grasp of object permanence. He is also working a lot on his pincer grasp, and he turns the light switch on and off, then turns to look at the lamp, showing his new understanding of cause and consequence. Yay, baby brain!

His sleep is... I have no idea. The regressing seems to be over? He's had some good nights and some bad nights and some night terrors and.. Uhm. I don't know where are we standing right now. I am sleeping as it comes, some nights better than others. Cosleeping and bedsharing are saving my life.

Yesterday we went to the movies for the first time since the baby was born. I don't remeber what was the last movie we watched when I was pregnant. We saw Star Wars last night with Cookie's friends who are visiting from out of town. It was cool! I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would, Elias stayed with my parents and after the movie we picked him up and had everyone over for a late dinner. He napped then socialized and behaved like a champ.

I am not done shopping. Gahhhh. The. Horror. Peanut is a shopping champ, though. Friday he endured three and a half hours of shopping at the mall like it was nothing.

Our water pump and pressurization equipment broke on Friday. We need to buy new ones. This month has been really hard not to overspend.

I am still playing Hearthstone, the Blizzard card game. I started playing in February or March, and the game has kept me company for all the late night feedings and the baby napping on top of me.

I took on a new project with an old client, designing 5 bathrooms for her new, unfinished house. None of my other projects are done yet, though. I am also theoretically starting a new renovation this week but I'm not feeling it. It's Christmas week! Could we maybe start it next week? Ugh.

My friends will be here this week. I can't wait to see them all!! My brother is also arriving tomorrow, he's meeting Elias at last! Two of my sister's in law are due any day now, so I can't wait to meet my new nieces as well.

I barely did anything this weekend. It felt nice, if a bit maddening. At least I wrapped almost all of the presents!

I guess I shouldn't have said anything

Of couse we are now in the middle of a sleep regression, right after I said Baby Peanut was sleeping fine. He's been waking every hour, screaming, needing to nurse to fall asleep. I'm trying to reduce the number of nursing sesions at night, because 5 or 6 are just not feasible, but so far the best I've managed is three, with wakings every hour in between.

I *think* he's having confusional arousals, amd not actually waking up. Not sure if it's developmental or if he needs an earlier bedtime now that he's dropping a nap, though, but he rouses screaming, eyes closed shut, and eventually he stops and is suddenly fast asleep again. He's even opening his eyes and staring through me or rolling into his stomach with his eyes closed, crying. Cookie isn't sure he's asleep, but he doesn't seem awake to me. Even the crying and screaming is different. Needless to say, I kind of really need some consolidated sleep.

I had stress dreams the last couple of nights. It was weird, this time around they were about meetig new clients and getting new projects. I also had a stress dream about failing all my classes because of a big misunderstanding on my part. I thought I was all done with dreaming about school!

I ended up asking someone to help me with the office renovation project this morning, I don't think the pay is worth the amount of stress it was causing me. Hopefully that will make it go away faster! I don't really want to take on any new projects right now, though I probably will. I would love to get some completely free days, to do my Christmas shopping and declutter my house and my office and visit some relatives. I'm gonna try to make some time. I already feel better, anxiety wise, now that school is done, but I suspect the anxiety is shifting to the whole "new projecta aversion" and it might paralize me later. One step at a time, though.

Can't say I'm surprised

On Thursday I turned in all the end of semester paperwork, grades and whatnot. I also finally succumbed to a cold on Wednesday evening.

This poor body has been pushed and abused quite a lot for the past few months (if you count pregnancy as abuse, and maybe it does, then over a year) so I'm not surprised I finally came down with something. I gotta say, it was a long time coming, and it happens often that once I'm out of the thick of stress I come down with anything that's floating around. Cookie woke up with a scratchy throat today (also not surprisingly, but he was sure his immune system would prevail) but at least baby Peanut is not sick. I hope my milk protects him, because he's being a handful as it is.

I think we just started the 8th month development leap, and it hasn't messed with his nightsleep too much (yet, I am sure the sleep regression is just around the corner), other than a couple of nights where he woke at 4:30 ready to play but I manage to get him back to sleep around 5 or 5:30, mostly without intervening. He has sort of dropped one nap (nooo), the really early one, the one I used to get breakfast while he slept. So it's been a week of transitions. He has, though, stabilized his sitting so he can now hang out on the floor without much danger, he's starting to use the pincer grasp, he's very mobile rolling and sort of scooting around (mostly backwards),  and this week he signed milk and more for the first time! I haven't seen the more sign, though my mom has, while feeding him, but he's signing milk while he breastfeeds almost every feeding now, and last night he signed it when we were about to get him in the tub, when I knew he was hungry. So, yay!! I don't think I'm imagining things!

I haven't signed consistently since I wasn't sure I was getting through him, but I am determined to sign more things more often! Hopefully the signing will help with the newfound communication "skill" he's developed: screaming bloody murder. It sounds like we're killing him and it depletes our patience in like two seconds. Nghhh. I know he's frustrated because he wants to do things but he can't yet, and his brain is going much faster than his chubby body, but boy can he scream.

It's been a whirlwind of a week with him, specially while I'm under the weather, but work is slowing down a bit. H&C's house is doneeee, my parents' bathroom is doneeee, the industrial park zoning project is doneee (and paid!) so I'm only dealing with Mrs. T's renovation right now and two projects, the office remo one that is still kicking my ass (mostly because I don't want to do it) and a new project for one of Cookie's coworkers, a facade redesign for an old house. I haven't even started that one. I'm trying to take it easy a bit, though I think once I kick this cold I'm just going to feel much, much better than I have in months.

Fingers crossed.

More goodbyes

My architecture students did their last exam today. I graded final projects and exams and gave them a last goodbye. Tomorrow, if I can finish filling out paperwork and grading, will be my last day at both schools, and even then it's just turning in grades.

So, more or less, it is over.

I tried to be inspiring and give some good advice. I tried as I could, given my mental state, to be fair and give them my best. I find myself feeling sorry I wasn't a better teacher. It was a disservice to my students. I wish I could talk to myself back in June, or July. Tell her that she was allowed to say no.

I am going to work on that, saying no. No to all the things that aren't adding to my life, that aren't fulfilling, that aren't needed. I need to say no to people, no to friends that are not looking out for me. I need to say no, and let go of things, and move on. Close doors and then forget about them, instead of wondering what was behind them.

Yesterday I took Elias to a photoshoot. I decided to buy one on an impulse, and I ended up not planning anything special for it. He was adorable and well behaved and I enjoyed the moment a lot. We took some pics of him breasfeeding, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. He has been such a gift. He is teaching me so, so much, it's such a cliche. But he is an amazing teacher.

I finish my teaching season feeling less than amazing, definitely humbled, but proud that I honored my commitment and that in the process, I learned more about myself than what I managed to teach. I hope at least some of that awareness shone through my depression and they got something out of it.

Two steps forward, one step back

I was feeling really good and optimistic on Friday. We had a end of year lunch with all the students and I was really emotional about the first generation graduating from our program. I felt elated, proud. Capable.

Why was I giving up school, anyway? Post partum depression? Me? Nah, it had been the sleep deprivation, that was all, now that I was sleeping better I felt really good!

Saturday came and out of nowhere, without reason, despite adequate sleep... I'm barely able to function. Anxiety attacks and being at the verge of tears over everything, tired as hell, angry, feeling hopeless. What the hell happened?

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I started this post yesterday morning. I managed to get some work and errands done, but still a lot is left to do. Now that I opened up about the PPD to some people, they are now asking if I'm taking medications and pushing/advicing I quit breastfeeding to take care of myself. Argggg.

Work hasn't let up -I took on a design project that is kicking my ass, and I'm remodeling a bathroom in my parents house on the side (with all the Dealing With My Dad As A Client that it entails), Mrs. T and H&C's houses are still ongoing and I have a very long overdue project for a recurrent client. I also owe Mrs. Prado some table cloths and Christmas decorations she ordered from my side business with Pam. Now, none of these things should take that long to finish, not really. But I can't seem to get them done, and that inhability is driving me insane. No matter how much I run around there's always more than half of my to-do list left at the end of the day.

This Saturday I went to K's house to replace the lamp shade and see if I could figure out why it wasn't turning on.

The lightbulb was out.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Clients, man, I don't know.  Are they functioning adults?

Am I? I can't deal with anything going slightly off program, let alone actual problems or arguments of any kind.

I need to shake this off. I just need to figure out how.