Baby Peanut is so 18 months old! A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week, since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).
What's new? Well, he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars. He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall. He loves to dance. He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah! Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night, though he asks for milk once a night usually. But his bottle is right there so. . . Easy peasy.
It hasn't made much of an impact in my life, the change in sleep. I thought it would, but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better. I am not particularly better rested these days. I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship, though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while, I was crying over everything, having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal, though.
I tried St. John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.
I am feeling very desperate these days, though, about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off. December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that. I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean. I have tried, but every month is something different that is a money black hole. The robbery, the dogs, this month is the car insurance, next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . . I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.
The MBA is four weeks from being over. I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is. I should be doing homework right now, instead of writing here, but I felt like crying. This week I got an assignment turned back, the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over, because it doesn't fit the content of the week. Except it does, he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them. I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back, because obviously it would make him lose face. So fuck me instead, right? I can do useless homework all day. The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen. I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it, how can any teacher do what he us doing. Just. Why bother with any of this.
I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday. I know what the long term plan is. But knowing is not helping me get through this. My day to day feels like such a struggle, the long term just doesn't carry much weight right now.
My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose, and had to have surgery. Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands, and it's very clear to me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried. But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort. I just. . . Can't. Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass. But I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.
Being in debt makes me crazy. Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it, not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work, but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . . I know plenty of people have it worst than me. I know this. I am fine. I can pay this debt. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have the support of my loved ones. Please, God, just let me stay one step ahead of this madness. Help me find my peace. Help me be patient. Please, God.
I can't do it all. Help me figure this out.
