17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

My ultimate hospital bag list

Today is out last day at the hospital, and for posterity (and in case I need a refresher a few years from now), here's what we really used and needed:

Baby wipes and diapers
Water bottles
Phone and chargers
Battery bank
Kindle
Glasses
Dried plums
Protein bars/snacks
Lanolin
Shampoo
Toothbrush
Baby nail clippers
Two pillows
Comb
Lotion
Mints
Lip balm
Pj's for Cookie
Underwear
Sanitary pads
Baby clothes in NB and 0-3 sizes
Baby blanket for ride home

I tried to use everything the hospital provided but they kept asking us for clothes for the baby, and allowed me to use pads and underwear. I don't remember that from last time around. I also didn't really use the nursing pillow, a small pillow was much more comfortable to have around the bed.
I don't think I need two changes of clothes, though. I will probably leave in the pants and shirt I wore coming in, since the dress I brought doesn't sound very appealing right now. Not a bad choice, just... I don't know. Less easy to move around.

I also brought nursing pads that were completely unnecessary, and this time I didn't bring a diary or a pen and didn't miss them at all.

I was in an LOT of pain last night and cried quite a bit because moving is so hard. I hope today is better. I am only getting oral acetaminophen now, so pain management is now what would be at home. I'm a bit afraid. But today I'm going home, and I'm seeing my dearest Peanut, so all will be better somehow. Can't wait to have our family together and have my boys meet each other. Isaac is such a calm baby, and he's so lucky Peanut has taught us so much. I can't wait to be their mom.

Birth story

Baby Isaac was born on Thursday 10th, in a pretty warm August day, at 9 am exactly. After a last day of errands and getting checked at the doctor's, we went to bed really late on Wednesday. At midnight we were still chatting in bed and trying to convince Peanut to go to sleep. He kept putting his little hand on his chest and saying "big brother". He also had quite a meltdown earlier, probably because he picked up on all my stress. We slept very little - Cookie probably about three hours, me maybe 5. Then we got up, got ready, and were out of the house by 6:20. We dropped Peanut with my parents -he was awake and cried when we left, clearly upset. It was so hard for me to leave.

We seldom talked about it but it was like the pink elephant in the room: Cookie and I were terrified that something might go wrong and that I could die. I was also terrified that something might happen to the baby and we might return home empty handed. Just. It's a difficult day, where we face our mortality really closely. So saying goodbye to Peanut was very hard, thinking... It could be the last time. I am so dramatic about this. But I know it's also a deep fear for Cookie.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:35, filled the entrance paperwork, got into our room. Turns out it was the same room I was with Elías! Room 202, the one in the corner. It was kind of cool, to be here again. I changed into a robe and around 7:15 they had me prepared and rolled me into the waiting surgery room. I met the anesthesiologist, Dr. Ramos, and the pediatrician on call, Dr. Andrade. The ped was kind of really brisk and not particularly warm, so I'm glad he wasn't on call when I had Peanut. This time around I'm a bit more comfortable and less afraid, so... I'm just doing what I know. Dr. Ramos was really kind. He gave me the epidural around 8:05, and I barely felt a thing. He stayed by my side the whole surgery and would give me the play by play of everything that was happening or would happen. He also let Cookie in when the cutting had started and took care of him when he was almost passing out. Poor Cookie. He didn't get to cut the cord this time, he almost fainted when they were cleaning the baby, says seeing the head come out of the open cavity was too much like they pulling an organ out of me. He recovered and we got to the pictures in the OR, though! Cookie left with the ped, and Dr. Ramos stayed with me, chatting me up and giving me druuugs. I found out then he is my Obg's husband, which was funny I didn't know before! She did a wonderful job and by 10:30 I was in the recovery room. It took me longer this time to recover, about an hour and a half, so I came into our room around noon. Cookie was pretty worried by then, since with Peanut I took about an hour less to be back.

I was in quite some pain and I still feel very sore. The afterbirth pains are probably the worst, though I have also been coughing a bit and it's THE WORST. I got up and walked a tiny bit yesterday evening, and I'm still pretty famished (I didn't get to eat or drink anything from 10:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day, and then my only meal after that was half an apple and a plate of plain cereal with milk around 6). I brought some snacks from home so I had a protein bar for dinner but... Well. I am waiting eagerly for breakfast!

Baby Isaac weighted 2.950 kg and measured 52 cms long. He was born at 39 weeks exactly. Elías was born at 39 weeks and 3 days, weighted 3.560 kg and measured 50 cms. So I have a skinnier baby this time! My milk hasn't fully come in but I'm definitely producing, Isaac only had one ounce of formula before I came out of recovery, and has since been latching like a super champ and breastfeeding on demand (around every 3-4 hours). Between all the personnel checking on us and the feeds and the diaper changes (which have fallen entirely on Cookie this time) I had about 5 hours of broken sleep last night. I'm still pretty tired, but it's daytime, and I always feel happy when the day comes.

Eli spent the morning with my parents yesterday, then left around 1:30 to spend the afternoon with my mother in law. He went to sister in law's place and all the cousins had what looks like a great time! Then he went back to my parents house to spend the night and it looks like he didn't wake all night long and still sleeping! So... Yay! I miss him a lot.

Cookie has been the sweetest with the baby and has been taking care of me. I have felt kind of sad at being this impaired/disgusting (all my womanly glory right now is very bloody and awkward). But its so awesome to see him be a dad of a newborn again, without all the fear we had the first time around.

Breakfast is here! I am thankful for so much right now, our family, our friends, our healthy baby and my recovery. I actually cried when I saw baby Isaac for the first time! Such a difference from the emotional  distance and clumsiness I felt with Eli's emergency c-section. I hope PPD and PPA give me a break this time around.

Welcome home, little one. Mommy loves you so much.

All my ducks in a row

38 weeks and two days today! I had a visit with the doctor yesterday, and ended with a date for a c-section. So August 10th, that's our date with baby Oz! Can't wait to meet him!! Sadly, the pelvic exam showed no cervix maturation at all, it's still really high and long. Baby hasn't descended yet, even though he is in position, just... No progress. I have been having contractions on and off since Tuesday, walking a lot, been on hands and knees.. Done what I could to help him descend. But nothing yet. It's very unlikely that he will be born naturally before the c-section date, but it could still happen, I guess. I feel some what disappointed, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid of the c-section, but I know I can do this.

Baby Oz is measuring a week behind on his measurements, but seems to weight about 3.100 kg. So not that small! Amniotic liquid is still fine, and the placenta looks pretty mature and calcified. So... He is just about ready! I will be 39 weeks on Thursday, so. I think we are ready for showtime.

I haven't felt that great this week, between the heat and the awful swelling. My hands and feet hurt a lot, and I feel like someone kicked my public bone, just.. Sore all over. Plus the contractions, even if they aren't exactly painful, it's like mild cramps and lots of tightness. But I managed to get all my work done! I finished updating the plans for the vineyard restaurant and looks like I'll get that part of the job paid next week (just sent my invoice!). The house I designed with my friend P is done, we will meet the clients for the (hopefully) last time on Monday. I hope we get that finalized and paid, so that will only leave my brother left to pay. That makes me feel a bit less stressed! Work will be slow for a while and that is fine with me.

Cookie is right smack in the middle of his seasonal depression, though I know he is making an effort to be calm and cool at home, it's definitely making his life hard at work and just making him feel low and short tempered. But he knows what he is feeling and that it has nothing to do with anything other than his hormonal cycles, and I know it's not related to us or the baby or anything else, so hopefully we can navigate this without too much pain. He gets worse as August progresses, though, so we are just getting started. I'm gonna be a bit engrossed with the baby and Peanut, but I hope I remember he needs emotional support too. And that the circumstances pull him out of it a bit too!

So despite all my attempts... I didn't get much time to rest or get my house in order. But I managed some! I might still have time to sort my desk, even. Sadly, the thing that was completely relegated was my thesis. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it or finish it. I really hope I can have some progress on it by December, but who knows. I hope, as life changes again and everything falls back into a new place, I'll find time to close that chapter of my life. I think, if it's all harder than I think, next year when Peanut starts kindergarten, I'll have a chance to finish it. A year is a long time to go! But I would rather enjoy my babies than anything else.

I'm so excited! And scared! I hope it all go es well!