5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

31 weeks and freaking out

This heaaaaat, my God. It's been 40°C all of last week and it looks like all of this wee will be 38°C and up. It's horrible, I don't know what I expected but pregnancy and this heat wave is just awful, I never feel dehydrated, but my pressure drops and I get nauseated. I know now that *that's* how dehydration is looking right now, so I'm drinking quite a lot of Gatorade. I know it's not optimal, but plain water doesn't get my pressure up and electrolytes taste horrible.

Work is EXACTLY the same as it was two weeks ago. Construction still not finished (I hope this is the last week). Still waiting for the engineer to send me the house calculations to finish that project. The vineyard is going very slowly - that one is entirely my fault. I got obsessed with the cleaning and decluttering and didn't work on it very much the past two weeks. My kitchen is looking amazing though! So open! I have done about half of Peanut and Oz's closet, and half the pantry too. My desk and the laundry, though, remain awful.

We had to fix our water pump last week and I had to buy a new washer. Mine broke again for the second time in six months and the repair was half what a refurbished one was, so... Screw it. The new washer is pretty awesome but it's been an expensive couple of weeks.

Potty training had a bit of a curve ball last week, with Peanut having a regression and deciding not tell us when he had to use the potty. But we seem to be back on track and we have had two nights of dry diapers, so perhaps we can transition to NO DIAPERS AT ALL in the next few weeks! That would be pretty cool. I am super proud of Baby Peanut, he has been a champ through all of the training and it hasn't been anywhere as painful as I thought it would be.

I am flirting with getting the Marie Kondo book but I fear I will go crazy with the de clutter given how strong my nesting is going already. But.. It sounds like something that I would love so much!

For the past month or so I have been doing some lactation consultations! All for free, obviously, since I don't have any certifications. I have enjoyed them a lot! So far only with two women, but one of them is a very young single mom and she needs a lot of reassurance, so we keep in touch and talk about her progress and problems a lot. It has been really rewarding helping other moms! And a great reminder that the first eight weeks of a baby are No Joke. I hope baby Oz and I have a smooth breastfeeding start. I hope baby Oz is healthy and all goes well. I am scared. But all that is left to do is wait.

It recently occurred to me that this might be my last pregnancy. I would like to have at least another baby, but... Who knows. I'm scared and hope everything goes well at the birth and that we can add to our family in a couple of years again but who knows if we will be able to. One of our friends is undergoing fertility treatments to try and conceive for the first time. We are crossing our fingers for them. This is such a rocky road... Who knows what's in store for all of us. I hope I can enjoy and connect with baby Oz instead of going through so many months of PPD like with Peanut. Time goes by so fast, I can't believe Peanut is already a toddler.

Sudden weaning and the mourning of our breastfeeding relationship

Well.

This was a weekend indeed.

Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around.  When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.

You know where this is going.

So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously,  I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around.  I kept thinking of the Bible,  of all things.  "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine,  you did for me." So we had a family discussion,  in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house,  or pay for more vet bills,  or take in all the dogs I ever run into)  and I just fell into a hole of despair.

When we left it was raining a lot,  and we couldn't find the dog.  My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking...  She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.

So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much).  So I did.

I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay,  not even too thin,  and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly.  We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana.  It went...  Okayish.  They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay,  more like from Odin to  Lana,  Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother)  but things have been okay.  I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection.  Expensive vet bills and all,  I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.

Anyway.

On Sunday we were piled together in bed,  me,  Cookie and the baby,  both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA.  Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower,  and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm.  I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS)  and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby.  We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case,  because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.

Shit.

And because of the meds,  I had to stop breastfeeding.

I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end.  I am...  So,  so sad.  It's so hard to give this up,  I am not prepared.  I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and...  Now it's over.

In theory we could start over in two days.  But..  I don't think it's fair to him,  to ask him to wean twice.

This was the most difficult,  rewarding,  amazing thing I have ever done.  It was bigger than me,  it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.

Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.

No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.

There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.

But oh, we will never be one again in this life.

End of summer

Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half.  How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day.  Poor dude,  I guess he's tired.  He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after  the burglary.

I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while.  It's weird,  I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place.  So I guess he has been improving!  I don't think I mentioned before,  but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old.  He can now eat cheese!  And yogurt!  And eat cereal with milk,  and pizza,  and cream,  and cake and chocolate and just anything  he sees!  Which means that so do I!!! That was a big,  nice change.  He loves  ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt.  I still try to keep him from eating crap food,  but I don't like forbidding foods,  I feel like it just makes them more attractive.  He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake,  so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.

Sleep is still fractured.  He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way,  so it was hard for a couple of weeks.  But before that,  I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being,  cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all,  so obviously he was making up with night calories.

I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep.  I am sleeping two or three hours between takes,  so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago.  I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed,  unless I spend the night with him on it.  It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week,  but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy.  So I either climb back down with him or pull him into  our bed again.  Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it.  It's not worth the trouble.

Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep.  Or,  I guess it's more accurate to say,  Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out.  Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it.  I don't even mind,  to be honest,  I don't know what the big deal is.

Do I wish he had weaned by now?  Maybe,  yeah.  It would be nice to wear all of my clothes,  regardless of the ease of access to my boobs.  I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep.  But I also love cradling him like a baby,  and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs.  I love his heavy,  sweaty little body.  I am in awe of how fast he's growing,  how big he is,  how smart and human he is.  It's such a short stage,  even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD,  like,  capital HARD  and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know,  an entire human being  is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis,  what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea.  But it's so short.

Almost a year and a half is gone.  When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough?  Am I producing enough milk?  Did he pee and poop enough today?  Is he breathing?  It was so exhausting.  I was worried about his survival all the time.  Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies,  pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess.  It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress.  I do my best to let him be.  He's turning out to be a joy of a little person.  This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man?  I never thought I was capable of so much love,  never knew I was this strong.

Cookie and I are doing much better too.  There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May.  We do what we can, we take care of each other,  we make it through another day.  I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming,  inexplicable,  but also a conscious,  faithful decision.  We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.

To the mom in the park

We met yesterday at the park,  you with your husband and your 14 month old and me with  Cookie and our 15 month old.  You looked younger than us,  and you seemed worried about everything about your baby.  When our husbands went off to catch pokemons (the real reason we were all there)  you asked me how old our baby was,  two years?  And worried about how small your baby was,  how thin,  and asked if our baby was in daycare.  How you were going crazy staying in all day with him,  but you couldn't decide if it was a good idea to part with him.  You worried about how little he spoke (I know I worry about that too  and your baby had more words than Baby Peanut)  and confessed,  with almost an apology,  that he had always been breastfed and was still breastfeeding.

Mom At the Park,  I wanna tell you,  your baby is perfect.  I'm not saying this in a bullshitty  way,  like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are,  too,  says my instinct and my heart).  But he spoke well,  he had great coordination,  he shared rocks with Elias,  he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw.  Your baby is developmentally normal.  Perfect.

Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones.  Stop worrying.  Don't apologize,  and certainly not to me,  a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.

I know I worry too.  I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight  too,  because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet...  He's meeting his milestones.  He's happy and crazy and fine.  Sure,  he's big,  compared to your baby.  Or your baby,  he's small,  compared to mine.  But did you see them compare each other?  They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff.  They grow.  They play.  They are happy.

Let's not worry so much,  you and I.  I didn't mention,  because I felt a little weird,  but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday.  Your baby is adorable and perfect.  You are doing a great job.

I know it's hard to believe.  But I think we both are.

Everything changes but stays the same

The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules.  Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep,  since he can climb down from it or up to our bed,  but really,  is not even  that bad.  I like that he can lay on his bed,  get up,  climb down,  play around,  climb back.  I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows,  around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.

Sleep is the same.  He keeps waking every hour and a half.  Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night.  He is sleeping longer naps,  though,  which is good!  From an hour to two and a half,  depending on how hot it is,  where he is sleeping,  noise,  etc.

Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months,  breastfeeding was just about being dependant,  nothing else.  I keep telling myself,  you know,  it's not personal,  it's not about you,  it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her,  but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is.  It's hard to not feel judged.  I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common,  but it's hard to hear things like that,  like I'm doing him some psychological harm.  Or the implicit idea that I'm weak,  because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why,  surely,  he doesn't sleep through the night.

It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night.  I have tried giving him a heavy dinner,  massages,  letting him cry,  singing him to sleep instead of nursing him,  putting him in his pen and walking away,  staying with him,  putting him to bed earlier,  later.  Everything I can think of.  Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just..  Nothing.  And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else,  all other aspects of his life, he's doing great.  He eats great,  he's very social,  loving,  gentle, silly and fun,  he's growing well,  he's healthy and happy...

He doesn't sleep well.  He's still nursing at 14 months,  with no weaning in sight,  no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean,  but haven't managed it). On my calmest days,  I say,  he'll sleep when he sleeps.  He's so big already,  this is what's left of his baby hood.

On my bad days,  I feel defeated,  embarrassed,  tired,  a failure of a mother and wife.  Because yes,  I wish he would sleep.  On his bed.  All night.

But all we have is today,  this reality we live in,  and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it.  I must let it go.  Be here,  present,  today.  Enjoy his baby hands on my breast,  his twinkling eyes,  his heavy little body on my own,  and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom.  One day it will be gone,  and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy.  I don't want to spend it suffering.

I will try to have more good,  patient days,  and let go.

New bed!

Yesterday I bought a matress for Baby Peanut and it arrived today!  I'm attempting to move him tonight.  I'll still be super close as I put the matress beside my side of the bed,  so hopefully the night feeding won't be too difficult.

Baby Peanut is still asking for milk four or five times a night.  I have heard it all at this point: that he doesn't need milk at night,  that my milk isn't good enough anymore,  that his wakings are my fault for not sleep training him/weaning him,  that he'll sleep when he walks/turns one/stops teething...  I really just think he'll sleeps when he sleeps at this point.   I have done at least one more attempt at night weaning him since I last mentioned it here,  and the results were the same: inconsolable crying for 45 minutes  followed by sighs and weeping while he sleeps.  It was in no way restful for him or for me,  and he keeps waking every two or three hours,  so I'm really not interested in seeing if the cycle repeats all night long.

He was excited about the bed and played a lot before bedtime.  He wa happy about being able to climb up and down easily,  and seemed to like the feeling of a semi closed pen. I hope we have a good night!  I really want us to transition without tears.  

Elimination diet, teeth and walking

I managed to get two weeks without caffeine without slips this week,  plus a week without rice,  our new suspect.  The caffeine elimination didn't seem to have much effect,  but the rice elimination might have.  Baby Peanut hasn't had reflux in a while and I think he's sleeping better,  still waking up but more because he wakes when we move than because he's in pain.  Not sure if it's the elimination diet or if it's because he cut his eight tooth last weekend.  It could be either,  really!  This whole parenting thing is so not a science!

He's also beginning to walk unassisted!  Two days ago he did it for my parents first and then for me later,  a half dozen wobbly steps laughing all the way.  I am so proud of him!  He is such a happy dude!  I think he'll be more confident and walking more in the next few days,  so he'll be fully walking for our May vacation!  He'll be a year old in two weeks! So,  so soon.

We just got him his passport today as well. I feel like he's becoming a toddler so fast!  How can it be??  He was a chubby baby just a few months ago.

I'm thinking of getting a fancy watch for Cookie for Baby Peanut's birthday.  I've been thinking about buying it for a while,  but it's very expensive,  but Elias' birthday is also our first parenthood anniversary.  And I think we're doing a good job.  He's a great dad.  We have come a long way!

Work is absolutely crazy right now. So.  Much. Work.  I can't get anything off my plate!  Which is causing me some recurrent anxiety,  but I hope I can get on top of things before our trip.  Last time I was super swamped with work before a trip I got pregnant!  Now I have an almost one year old to wrangle.  I sure can use the vacation,  I'm really looking forward to the time with our family and friends. And no work.  No work at all.

10 months!

Baby Peanut is now crawling!  No more army crawling with his face,  but honest to God crawling.  He also cruises around furniture and is fearless standing up,  often trying to walk on his own (and failing quite spectacularly still,  but he tries!) I love hearing his laugh as we run after the dogs or towards his grandma,  or just walking around the house,  laughing because he is so proud of himself.  He has the best laugh.

He weights 10 kilos fully clothed,  so probably more like 9.800. We are up to date with his vaccines and he is chubby but leaner and has a big big head.

Such a big head.  

Sleep is still a crazy endeavor.  He still wakes about every hour and a half/two hours.  I don't know how to improve on that,  though we got through the worst of the growth spurt/sleep regression (hard to call it a regression when he hasn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row since in months)  by going back to his reflux medication.  After all the meds from The Cold From Hell his stomach just wasn't the same.  I'm back on a strict no dairy products diet and he's back on Nexium. I think part of the problem was that he got 5 teeth in a month, so maybe... Sleep might improve?  Someday! 

He has 7 teeth now,  and swollen gums on the top premolars canines.  Gah.  I thought we might have to wean soon when he got all the teeth because he was chaffing my nipples when he sucked,  but things have improved and we're back on track.  I would like to meet my one year goal,  then we'll see how we feel about it.  He loves to breastfeed and shows no signs of self weaning,  but I'm starting to feel more ready to stop...  I don't want to quit cold turkey or anything,  and it wasn't even on my kind for a long time, so lately when I eye my non-breastfeeding friendly clothes I just think to myself that soon he'll be done with this part of his life,  and it's bittersweet.  I will miss this connection a lot.  

Work is really busy right now,  though I'm still struggling financially.  Teaching was my only steady income so I'm fully freelancing right now. Construction on C&D's house is going well,  but I'm not taking any money from there yet.  I am working with an old client on the design for her new home's bathrooms and fixing some issues the house has, but that's only just starting.  Our side business of decorative pillows has been doing really well thanks to Pam's hard work,  so I'm doing what I can to help and keep up.  We're decorating and apartment for rent for a client,  which has been a lot of scavenging for good design for cheap.  I hope we'll be done with that next week.  The MBA program is kicking my ass, finding time to do homework is proving really difficult.  The classes are really off my area of knowledge and the teachers aren't doing much explaining,  which is a problem I have ran into a lot with the online program.  But we're halfway done with this trimester!  I can do it!  I have one mandatory credit left and three optional ones,  so mayyyybe the optional ones can be less ass kicking?  I am just realizing this,  I am almost done with the core classes!

After a lot of working  around hurdles it seems like we might get him baptized this month.  I want to do a little get together but it's a bit daunting.  So much family!  Such unruly nephews! I fear it might be a disaster! But I will be glad to get that done and all the possible drama out of the way (there has been a lot of drama with my in laws about our choice of godparents,  but as it often plays out,  it's mostly passive aggressive drama).   

I welcome March feeling better.  February was better than January,  mood wise if not sleep wise, and I think March is going to be better.  I am hopeful.  I am thankful.  It's all going to be okay. 

About sleep

I've been reading a lot about sleep and "self soothing" given the madness that is our nightlife.  I have natural leaned towards attachment/evolutionary parenting f as a parenting style,  feeling good about the way it fits our family.   I decided to breastfeed,  which led to co-sleeping and then bedsharing,  and my biggest problem has been how other people react when they find out,  not the act itself.  I babywear when possible and try to keep the baby from crying by being responsive.  We did try (and failed spectacularly)  to Ferberize at 5 months,  when I was not sleeping and going crazy.  Now I see that it was too soon to even try (sleep training before six months isn't even recommended,  no matter what my in laws say)  and I have realized that Baby Peanut is probably  not even a candidate for sleep training.

Ask Moxie has excellent posts about tension increasers and decreasers. A tension increaser gets more and more worked up as he cries,  and a decreaser calms down after a good cry.  I have a hard time with even the idea of CIO because I am a tension increaser myself: crying leads to feeling exhausted,  sick,  like the world is an awful place,  blerg.  It doesn't really help me process and feel better,  it's just an explosion of energy and them an awful long period of recovery.  If I have a good cry,  it usually takes me all day and all night to feel back to normal.  Crying is just not my cup of tea.

I think Cookie is also an increaser since he marinades in gloom and doesn't bounce back easily from anger or sadness,  but I am not as sure with him as I am with myself.  He just doesn't cry.  What I do know,  is that he is a terrible sleeper.  He fights sleep all day and all night,  wants to stay up playing,  gets in awful moods because he is tired and eventually he crashes.

So I don't think it's hard to guess that we have a tension increaser baby as well. Knowing that not responding to crying alters a baby's cortisol levels (cortisol being the stress hormone) up to 4 times the normal level,  I can't really justify to myself to let Eli cry in hopes he'll fall asleep alone and that he'll learn to "self soothe",  when I can't at 30 years old.  Some babies don't signal when they wake (so,  no crying)  but some babies do.  When do they *have* to stop signaling when they wake?  Like all things babies,  each baby is different,  and the neurological maturity each has will dictate when he reaches his milestone.

Last week I was talking with my friend Pam,  and she told me her grandma,  a 94 year old,  asked her if her toddler was sleeping through the night.  Her boy is 26 months old,  and she said yes,  of course he was,  and her grandma was surprised because he was very young and kids take a long time to sleep through the night.  So.  I guess,  somewhere between the time she raised her babies and now,  we decided babies had to be "independent sleepers" once they hit 6 months old.

I also found really interesting research about the vagal nerve, that might correlate with the tension increaser and decreaser concepts (I made this correlation myself,  so obviously might be wrong).  Some babies (specially preemies,  but many full term)  are born with an immature vagal system.  The vagal nerve controls the heart,  stomach,  breathing,  sucking and the facial muscles.  It's the nerve that controls our heartbeat when we need to fight or fly,  allowing it to speed up by releasing a "break",  letting us use more resources in time of need.  Immature vagal nerves don't put the break back on when the demanding activity (breastfeeding,  for example,  or crying)  ends,  making the baby feel like the danger,  so to speak,  hasn't passed.  So they are more difficult to calm.  Breastfeeding apparently helps the vagal nerve to mature,  but I think it can probably explain why some babies just don't calm easily after the crying starts, so CIO is just not going to work for them since it's physiologically impossible for them to calm down unaided.
Cookie asked how this can help us with our crazy nights and I guess it can't!  Except to teach me patience and let me be there for baby Peanut,  reassuring him that he is safe,  he is loved,  mama is right here.

Things my doctor said

You look sad.

I think you have post partum depression and we didn't catch it earlier.

How long has it been,  10 months?  Why didn't you come sooner?

We could give you some antidepressants,  though if you are still breastfeeding...

If you continue to feel bad and you decide to wean the baby,  we can get you on some meds.

----

Soooo. I am not on meds. I don't plan to wean Baby Peanut for a while.  My breastfeeding goal was one year,  and I feel like the worst of the PPD and PPA is mostly over.

I ended up going to the doctor because an unrelated problem.  It seems I might have some sort of allergy and irritation on the lady parts.  Funnnn. If the treatment doesn't work I'm in for some testing,  since it's making our love life pretty much non existent.  Meh. We have had some arguments and lots of guilt and unhappiness in that department.  The doctor says part of the problem is the PPD,  but there is definitely something else going on.  So.

Peanut continues to not sleep,  even worse than before.  Wakes every hour,  every hour and a half.  It's difficult.  Very,  very difficult.  I had stopped the reflux medication but I think we're going to go back to it, and hopefully the sleep will improve.  He's getting better at crawling though!  Still not quite there,  but getting there!

I've been reading a lot about sleep.  It's not helping to improve his sleep,  but it's very interesting and I think it's helping me to cope,  at least.  He'll sleep when he sleeps,  I guess!

9 months

So finally little Peanut has lived in the outside world as long as he lived in my womb.  That is some really crazy perspective.

He's currently fighting a throat infection, and though he has been better yesterday and today,  he's still on antibiotics (or,  more like back on antibiotics,  since he finished the prescribed period but the symptoms persist so the doctor said to continue a few more days).  It has been a very difficult week,  though in general I feel like January was a bit better.  This week was marked by bouts of vomiting,  fever,  screaming and crying while we gave him dose after dose of medicines and a really exhausted household.

This week also marks my return to the MBA.  I am terrified because I have very little free time for homework,  so even though it's all virtual,  or maybe because it is,  it is really hard to dedicate six or eight hours a week to it.  I am struggling because when I'm home with the husband and the baby there is really not a way to disengage from them.

I made a resolution this week to talk people around me up,  instead of complaining about them (this week was heavy on the complaining side), but I struggle with the level of shared responsibility for the baby with Cookie.  Doing homework (or more like,  trying and failing)  for the master is just one symptom of the problem.  I don't know how to breach the subject without having an open war,  but I think I'm reaching the point that if it takes a full blown ugly argument  to touch the subject,  I'll have a full blown ugly argument.  I know I tend to blame other people and be angry with them when things don't go as I planned them,  when in reality I am also to blame and most things cannot be planned or expected to go as one wishes,  so I reaaaally need to work on that because it's a very ugly trait of mine.

So.  Talking up.  Not blaming (even if it's done 90% just in my head).  Add those to my 2016 list,  along with having a meatless dinner a week (this week is was fried rice with veggies,  last week it was veggie chow mein! I am looking for more suggestions/ideas!) and cooking more.  Since I got pregnant and most of last year I really pushed the envelope on eating out because no time,  cooking making me nauseous,  etc,  but it's hurting our budget.  I am trying to get back on track on the budgeting and better financial organization as well.  So far...  Uhh. Well,  as soon as I finish paying my car insurance I'll be debt free,  and ready to start saving again.  Last year I didn't meet my savings mark because I went crazy on December.  Between Christmas presents and impulse buys and paying bonuses for my eventual employees (some of them,  like our cleaning lady and my first mason at work not really eventual at all)  it got really out of hand.

We also had a few things to pay for that hit me this month,  one of them our water pump breaking and needing to be entirely replaced (waaah!)  and the yearly house taxes and the car yearly service.  On the good news,  I finished Ms.  T's house renovation and I am mostly done with a facade project. The project that was stressing me out the most kind of fell through the cracks and the client never contacted me again.  I think we are even?  The first payment does cover what I did, pretty much,  so.   I am not worrying about it anymore.

On the work department there are some new projects on the horizon.  Tomorrow me and Pam are meeting a client for whom we made an interior design proposal and budget last week.  Cris and David's house addition,  which I started on December,  is going a bit slowly,  but it's going well,  so I'm hoping February shows some mayor advances there.  Currently we have all the columns and the iron structure for the major beams of the first floor,  which I hope we can pour  next weekend.  So by the end of next month I hope we'll be working on the second floor's roof.

Eli's achievements are many!  I haven't weighted or measured him this month,  but he can cruise around the playpen,  stand up supporting himself, and kinda scoot backwards when he tries to crawl.  Crawling is his bane!  He can't get his head around it.  But he claps and says 'mama' and 'apa'  and feeds himself and signs milk and more,  he waves bye bye,  gives many hugs and kisses,  and loves pandas so much.  He points where the panda is on one of his books and loves to touch and look at the box of Takenoko. I am currently trying to teach him the signs for mom,  dad,  grandma,  grandpa, sleep,  cookie,  bath,  all done,  diaper change,  eat and thirsty.  He..  Doesn't seem to give a damn! But maybe soon?

On the sleep front,  we're still bedsharing and he's still waking up multiple times a night to feed.  It's hard,  but this week while he was sick he would only take the breast,  and then for a day and a half he wouldn't even breastfeed much,  he felt so sick,  that I am very grateful that he's feeling better enough to wake up to eat.  I know he will eventually demand less milk,  even if right now it feels like he's the only 9 month old that doesn't sleep a long stretch at night.  I have been trying to coach my sister in law,  who had a failed breastfeeding relationship with her son 7 years ago,  with her new baby.  Her pediatrician  is not supportive at all and this causes her plenty of confusion and anxiety.  My other sister in law's sister also gave birth this month  and I gave some more successful advice to her,  so that makes me happy!  I am still halfway through the breastfeeding online certification class I started months ago,  but a lot of the initial problems with breastfeeding come from un supportive pediatricians or family.  My brother's wife also had a baby girl this month  (so many babies!) but her previous experience was mostly successful,  so we talk about it a lot,   and it's nice to have that to bond over,  since we aren't super close. I am currently That Crazy Breastfeeding Lady, I know.

The baby is asleep to I will return to homework for as long as it lasts!  I can do this!  12 more weeks to go!

The little things

The hardest part of depression right now is my inability to cope with even the smallest of problems. I will be fine for days and then a minor bump juat sends me into paralized fear and anxiety attacks, nightmares and breakdowns. I feel ridiculous, and it's mortifying, knowing people can see how absurd my breakdown is. Cookie is handling things (me) as gently as he can, but I know he's way out of his depth.

Last night baby Peanut bit me twice while he was nursing, after a rough day at work. He was very fussy and difficult, and I lost it. I went to our room to scream into the pillow, then tried to nurse him to sleep when I calmed down, but he just wanted to play. Cookie settled him in the crib and he just started to cry like sixty seconds later. I broke down and cried, big ugly sobs of woe is me. I was so tired and cold and I just needed someone to take over. Which I think might even be normal, except I feel like that about my whole life. I wish someone would take over.

My phone fell on Christmas Eve and the screen shattered. It has been acting up and making my life a little bit harder. I am not dealing with that very well. After the total breakdown of last night Cookie started to search for a new phone or a way to change the screen on this one. And I have to say, just that gesture made me feel better. Like, if he's taking care of that (of me) then I can.. Do the rest? Maybe?

I admit I've been having thoughts of death more often than before. I kind of always have had them, in the back of my mind, and they come to the surface now and then. I quickly forget they were there after a little while. Last night they had their moment, front and center. I had completely forgotten bout them until just now. That might be a good thing? At least they are not pervasive?

I hate the winter cold. It makes everything so much harder. I don't feel like I had much of a break over the holidays, with all the frantic last minute shopping and work and all the gatherings. I hope January gets me a few days to recharge, then everything will (probably) be better.

Two steps forward, one step back

I was feeling really good and optimistic on Friday. We had a end of year lunch with all the students and I was really emotional about the first generation graduating from our program. I felt elated, proud. Capable.

Why was I giving up school, anyway? Post partum depression? Me? Nah, it had been the sleep deprivation, that was all, now that I was sleeping better I felt really good!

Saturday came and out of nowhere, without reason, despite adequate sleep... I'm barely able to function. Anxiety attacks and being at the verge of tears over everything, tired as hell, angry, feeling hopeless. What the hell happened?

---

I started this post yesterday morning. I managed to get some work and errands done, but still a lot is left to do. Now that I opened up about the PPD to some people, they are now asking if I'm taking medications and pushing/advicing I quit breastfeeding to take care of myself. Argggg.

Work hasn't let up -I took on a design project that is kicking my ass, and I'm remodeling a bathroom in my parents house on the side (with all the Dealing With My Dad As A Client that it entails), Mrs. T and H&C's houses are still ongoing and I have a very long overdue project for a recurrent client. I also owe Mrs. Prado some table cloths and Christmas decorations she ordered from my side business with Pam. Now, none of these things should take that long to finish, not really. But I can't seem to get them done, and that inhability is driving me insane. No matter how much I run around there's always more than half of my to-do list left at the end of the day.

This Saturday I went to K's house to replace the lamp shade and see if I could figure out why it wasn't turning on.

The lightbulb was out.

I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. Clients, man, I don't know.  Are they functioning adults?

Am I? I can't deal with anything going slightly off program, let alone actual problems or arguments of any kind.

I need to shake this off. I just need to figure out how.

Hit the ground running

Baby Peanut is six  and a half months old. Almost 29 weeks, yikes! In ten weeks he will have spent as much time in my womb as outside, I can't wrap my head around that. I grew that baby! From scratch! He used to fit in my womb, whaaaat. Giant baby is now 9 kg, so we're a kilo away from tripling his birth weight. Or in another words, what the hell. It is super cool to know that I grew him from scratch (disassociated as I am from the whole birth/pregnancy) and that then I fattened this little piggy too, all with my body. It makes me feel really cool, to be able to keep a human being alive and thriving! I've been suuuuper lucky in that we had no glitches breastfeeding, for the most part. I have also been super lucky to have a friend who recently went through all of these, and who has been supporting me and helping me cope, and that I live in the information era, where all I need to do is google and read.

Which I have done. A LOT.

So much, in fact, that I am always surprised when I hear other people don't over research. My SILs don't even have a pregnancy app! Or a weekly pregnancy calendar! Or two dozen blogs about pregnancy/parenting/cloth diapers/attachment parenting/co-sleeping/the burning issue in me head this week. I have to laugh at myself and my neurosis, but it really does help. I feel like even if everything is new and challenging, at least I have some sort of safety line.

These mornings I've been starting to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. Not every day, and and more often than not I'm still half a kilo away from it, but I'm really happy aboit it. Everything changed, though. There's less in some places (ass, where did you go?) And much more in other places, at least temporarily (fun cleavage!), and lots of.. Looseness? Skin being... Weird? I guess I'm still a long way from my skin getting used to having less to cover. My abdominal diastasis is mostly recovered too, less than once centimeter to go. It was very creepy for a while, to have that hole between the muscles.

And then there's my chia pet head. Apparently by the lenght of the new hair I have, the moment Baby Peanut was born I started growing a new layer of hair. So I have this... Cap. Of sorts. Of an inch and a half long hairs, fanning everywhere. Like a chia pet. They cannot be tamed. I look pretty ridiculous and kond of unkempt, and my students already noticed them and ughh I almost died of embarrasment at their puzzled looks and comments of "you have... A lot of tiny hairs." YES THANK YOU. But I guess soon they will flatten out? If not, at least there's only 3 more weeks of school and then there will be no more 20 year olds commenting on my mommy style trending chia pet hair.

Teeth invasion

Two weeks ago I took the baby for his shots and had his 6 months visit with the doctor. He said the teeth weren't giving any signs of coming out yet, but that they could crop in a matter of days at any time. This was on Thursday, by Sunday the first tooth had broken his gums! Poor baby was all sorts of crabby. Next friday, bam! Second tooth! Yesterday I thought I saw a third tooth coming in, the first of the top ones. It's like baby Peanut hit six months and decided to Be A Big Boy in a matter of weeks!

There have been a couple of biting incidents. Not cool at all. Baby Center is all "babies that are properly latched and eating can't really bite because their tongue is covering their teeth" but keeping a wriggly baby eating and well latched at all times is not really possible. So. A couple of bites and mama is a bit paranoid.

I'm having a stressful (haaaa!) time with work. K's house is finished in theory but she decided that there are a dozen issues now, that my work has been unprofessional and that charging her for it is very unfair. After seven months. After everything is finished. She owes me around $180 dlls, which makes this the stupidest problem. I just want her to accept that the job is done, if she doesn't want to pay I don't even care anymore, but she also keeps stalling a meeting to see all these issues she has. It's been two weeks since she decided everything was wronnnngggg but she hasn't agreed to see us any day. This morning was to be it, but she excused herself very very early today and has not appointed a new time. It's driving me crazy. It makes me really sad. I know for certain that I did the best I could. I know things aren't perfect, because nothing ever is, but to the extent of my habilities I did my best. I wish she could see it.

H&C's house is alsoooo not finished because the electric door people have nooottttt finishedddd and it is going to drive me insane, to have all these things just hanging on forever. Work with Ms. Prado is going well, if a bit glitchy, and I'm starting a new job today, a cosmetic remo and some repairs for Ms. T. I am hoping so hard that all this work will be done by Christmas so I can take some time off.

I finally told my area heads at both schools that I won't return next semester, and they were very nice. They said I could return whenever I wanted, and one of them even offered to take over my class right now if I needed the mental space. I want to do things right and finish the semester, but knowing he understands makes a world of difference.

The same but somehow better

We had a couple of decent nights this Sunday and Monday and then another awful one last night. Baby Peanut slept from 8:40 to 1:40 like a champ, but I was up until almost midnight watching a movie with the hubby. Staying up late, bad idea! After 1:40 he was up every hour or so. Nghhhh.

Yet I don't feel quite so bad this morning. I guess our only-three-feeding-sessions nights got me some air back.

I'm fighting a cold, though, which was to be expected. My immune system is doing what it can, but I can't ask for miracles! Sleep deprivation and depression are not conductive to great health.

We finally discovered why the baby will take water but not expressed milk from a bottle or his sippy cup. It got to the point where he would cry as soon as he saw the bottle, so we gave up on bottles entirely. I still had some bags of frozen milk in the fridge, since I thought they would be needed when I returned to school, and yesterday I was meeting a new client and it got late ans I couldn't come to feed baby Peanut before class, so I told mom to take a bag from the freezer.

When I came back, baby Peanut had not taken anything but a sip from the milk on the sippy cup, though he had taken some water. We were going to throw the thawed milk out and then it occurred to me to taste it. Yukk!!!! So gross! Mom tasted it too and she was disgusted, it tasted a bit like fridge and plastic but a lot like soap. Grosssssss! No wonder the baby will not take any frozen milk! I've been reading about it and it's apparently an excess of lipase, an enzyme that breast milk has to break down fats so they are easier to digest. It seems to be uncommon to have an excess, but then the forums are full of women asking whyyy foes my frozen stash taste like asssss???

So that's one mystery solved! Deactivating lipase implies scalding the freshly pumped milk before freezing it and zzzzZzzzZzz forget it. Baby Peanut waits for me to eat, whatever. It's good to know that's the issue, though, so next time we leave the baby with our parents for sitting I'll know to leave a fresh bottle of milk instead of pumping the day before. It only takes a few hours in the fridge or at room temperature for lipase to change the taste, so I guess the few bags I have left in the freezer are going to the trash.

Baby Peanut totally pooped on his dad yesterday. First time for everything! We went out to a cafe to get panini and he decided that was a good moment to finally poop after 4 days of no luck. I cracked up, Cookie was mortified/grossed/freaking out, it leaked through the diaper, the onesie and through Cookie's pants. We had to change the baby on one of the tables. We used our travel changer but still. Sorry, cafe owners! We are gross people! The baby was so much happier after that, though! And everybody knows this happy baby makes this momma happy :)