2018

I haven't posted in too long! I keep thinking, I'll find some time soon, and then I never do. So this might be short and disjointed but better than nothing!

Christmas came and went and so did the new year. I was exhausted with all the family gatherings and the super last minute shopping. I was out shopping the 23rd still. It was... Gah. But I was glad to see my brother and he met baby Isaac! They really connected, it was very cute.

I decided to start the new year with a clean financial slate, so I used my savings to pay off the credit cards. I set up to do a new budget for the house and did a frugality challenge for January. I set up to not eat out for a month, which was haaaaard but I made it! I'm working on my savings, which were decimated by 2017 and working for family. I'm taking a class on investing in stocks, and enjoying it! I'm also fully back to work, doing a couple of projects and the consulting thing for the construction company. Which means I can better plan our spending since I have an income again.

Last month was a fraught time while I searched for a preschool for Peanut. Turns out we can't really afford to pay for two preschools. Cookie really wanted a montessori but it was too much, we could not afford to have two kids in any of them in two years. We could barely afford one kid. So.. I visited 8 schools and called a bunch more. It was exhausting. In the end we decided for a mixed method school, it's run by a non profit, so the costs are mostly symbolic. We ended deciding against public school because the classes were packed, but it was our second choice. That consumed a lot of my time and energy last month, and put me and Cookie at odds. He doesn't enjoy talking about money and all of his nephews attend his childhood school, which was the montessori we definitely couldn't afford. My father in law offered to help pay for part of Peanut's tuition there, but that just made things worse...

In any case, I went and signed Peanut up at his new (super hippie) school yesterday. We haven't said anything to my in-laws about it yet and I suspect they won't be thrilled about our choice but I'm happy with the school and we are comfortable with the tuition. And I think that kind of peace is worth a bit of family drama.

My anxiety is quiet for now, though I'm a bit depressed just in general. Cookie and I are a bit disconnected, which makes me sad, but I'm so tired all the time... It's hard to make time for us. He will be out of town for work next week so we'll be apart for Valentine's. It's no big deal but still... I wish we could reconnect and I wish I felt normal and not like I'm barely making it every day.

I know this feeling won't last. Everything is in flux right now. Baby Oz is starting to eat solids, and turning 6 months tomorrow. He's so big, and so happy. We just need to be kind to each other and wait until the kids need us a bit less. It will happen. And I will miss my babies.

All my ducks in a row

38 weeks and two days today! I had a visit with the doctor yesterday, and ended with a date for a c-section. So August 10th, that's our date with baby Oz! Can't wait to meet him!! Sadly, the pelvic exam showed no cervix maturation at all, it's still really high and long. Baby hasn't descended yet, even though he is in position, just... No progress. I have been having contractions on and off since Tuesday, walking a lot, been on hands and knees.. Done what I could to help him descend. But nothing yet. It's very unlikely that he will be born naturally before the c-section date, but it could still happen, I guess. I feel some what disappointed, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid of the c-section, but I know I can do this.

Baby Oz is measuring a week behind on his measurements, but seems to weight about 3.100 kg. So not that small! Amniotic liquid is still fine, and the placenta looks pretty mature and calcified. So... He is just about ready! I will be 39 weeks on Thursday, so. I think we are ready for showtime.

I haven't felt that great this week, between the heat and the awful swelling. My hands and feet hurt a lot, and I feel like someone kicked my public bone, just.. Sore all over. Plus the contractions, even if they aren't exactly painful, it's like mild cramps and lots of tightness. But I managed to get all my work done! I finished updating the plans for the vineyard restaurant and looks like I'll get that part of the job paid next week (just sent my invoice!). The house I designed with my friend P is done, we will meet the clients for the (hopefully) last time on Monday. I hope we get that finalized and paid, so that will only leave my brother left to pay. That makes me feel a bit less stressed! Work will be slow for a while and that is fine with me.

Cookie is right smack in the middle of his seasonal depression, though I know he is making an effort to be calm and cool at home, it's definitely making his life hard at work and just making him feel low and short tempered. But he knows what he is feeling and that it has nothing to do with anything other than his hormonal cycles, and I know it's not related to us or the baby or anything else, so hopefully we can navigate this without too much pain. He gets worse as August progresses, though, so we are just getting started. I'm gonna be a bit engrossed with the baby and Peanut, but I hope I remember he needs emotional support too. And that the circumstances pull him out of it a bit too!

So despite all my attempts... I didn't get much time to rest or get my house in order. But I managed some! I might still have time to sort my desk, even. Sadly, the thing that was completely relegated was my thesis. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it or finish it. I really hope I can have some progress on it by December, but who knows. I hope, as life changes again and everything falls back into a new place, I'll find time to close that chapter of my life. I think, if it's all harder than I think, next year when Peanut starts kindergarten, I'll have a chance to finish it. A year is a long time to go! But I would rather enjoy my babies than anything else.

I'm so excited! And scared! I hope it all go es well!

37 weeks

Time is going by so fast these last weeks! So much work left to do, and preparations, I am a bit of a worried mess. I had been feeling pretty good until the heat returned this week. My feet hurt so bad every time I stand up, and I have officially gained more weight than with Peanut's whole pregnancy. I'm 17.5 kg over my starting weight, which was 59 kg. With Eli I gained 17 kg total and started at 58, and he was born st 39 weeks and 1 day. So. I will most likely reach 19 kg by the end of this pregnancy :S I think a big part of that is water weight, my legs look like overstuffed sausages, no ankles left! It looks a bit scary by the end of the day, to be honest.

On the work front: vineyard restaurant on hold because they haven't paid the last advance. The house I'm working at with P is nearing the end of the project, next week we can turn it in, I think. Still not getting paid anywhere. My brother asked me for some time, and the new consultation I started this month for a construction company pays per client, but at the end of each process. So. Though I have seen six clients this month, I probably won't be finishing their process until October or so.

I did end up going shopping despite my attempts to curb my spending and its... Infuriating. I need better self control. I bought a toy for when baby Isaac meets Elías (that, or his Christmas gift, I might just pack it away), Christmas presents for one of my nephews (clothes), a birthday present for one of my nephews that turns 3 tomorrow (a lunchbox), lanolin for breastfeeding and a post partum belly lotion. Uhm, also some breastfeeding underwear and a blush, clearance winter pants and some clothes for both the kids, and two t-shirts for Cookie that I am super pissed about because I laundered them yesterday and they shrunk to the point where even I can't wear them. Wtf? So... Clearly I bought too much stuff. Even if it's things we'll use (and some we really needed), I'm annoyed at myself.

The whole Christmas shopping in July is maybe extreme, but I try to buy things on sale for my nephews and nieces because there are so many now! It looks like we will make a gift exchange this year, to reduce the amount of stuff they get, so I should be good for it now!

I took my car for a thorough cleaning today and will pick it up in a few, and then I'll install the baby seat. That's another thing off my list! I have my hospital bag ready, and next week will have people over to clean our furniture. On Friday I will head for an exam with the doctor and we'll check my cervix to see where we are. I am still hoping for a VBAC. Baby Oz weights 2.6 kg now, so he's smaller than Peanut was. I hope we can do it! The waiting is almost over!

Cast iron skillet and the quest to reduce waste

I am still very much pregnant (35 weeks!) and the heat is still pretty awful, though rain has finally started! Quite late for the season, but yay for rain! The downside is that downcast days always make my blood pressure drop so I have been feeling much sluggier. I had a couple of great weeks, after the doctor  sent me extra iron. Apparently I was borderline anemic for quite a while!

A couple months ago I saw an 8" cast iron skillet at the grocery store. They aren't common and I had been curious for a long time, so I bought one. The thing is, I have an on and off affair with cooking, sometimes I don't really have time for long seasons to cook proper, time consuming meals, or to experiment. But then I do, or something spurs my excitement again, and it's so much fun! And so much more budget conscious! So today I decided to try and season my skillet, which got me really excited, and I am cooking my first steak in it right now! I am already seeing how I'm gonna get all THIS IS MY NEW THING over it. It all started with being excited to cook again, but it quickly tied to how long lasting these things are. I heard this guy say, "if you are lucky to have inherited a skillet from your grandma..." and it totally blew my mind. I would love to have had inherited a skillet from my grandma! That's so awesome! I have been married for only four years and I have already given away my most used Teflon pan and another one is really ugly and burned. It never occurred to me that this one was made to last generations.

I'm currently attempting to lower our waste output as much as possible. I had gotten really lazy about the compost, was buying mini boxed juices for Peanut and feeling bad about the straws and the sugar and all around just... Feeling like I wasn't making enough of an effort. So I am trying! Cold composting our kitchen vegetable scraps, using less plastic and buying things with the least amount possible of packaging. It means making a lot of decisions while shopping! I am also trying to be more frugal, which is NOT an easy thing for me. I shop to entertain myself, to relieve stress, when I'm sad, when I'm happy.. Just. Gahhh. But I'm trying to have a more minimal lifestyle. Trying! I don't want my boys to learn from mom that we can find solace in things.

I am also struggling financially a lot lately. I finished the construction for my brother last Friday. It took over a month to finish all of the last details, and the electrician abandoned the construction without finishing and after I had fully paid him. So I had to pay out of my pocket for what was unfinished and the stuff he took with him. It wasn't that much but... Well. My brother hasn't paid me a cent since March. I am very strapped right now. Other projects arena still ongoing (the design for the restaurant is near done, and a house I'm doing with my friend P is going well), but no money from those until they are done. I did finish the plans for the house for the project I was waiting on the engineers, but that money has come and gone (it wasn't much to start with, just a bit more than the electrician fiasco actually).

I also found out I was in deep trouble with my taxes about a month ago. My previous accountant screwed me over by lazying around to the point where I had missed documentation since December 2014. My current accountant has been doing magic, turning over all the super overdue paperwork and making magic. So far it seems like I owe about 1/10 of what I had initially calculated, so she must be a warlock. I just found out last night it won't be as much as I had thought, which has me in a better mood than I had been in a while! Specially because I didn't have money to pay the initial amount I had calculated. I told Cookie about the whole shitstorm and he has been very supportive and was going to help me pay it, but looks like I might be able to cover it after all. I inquired and apparently there is nothing I can do about or to my previous accountant. Just, too bad! You got screwed! Better luck next time!

Downsizing on expenses is the best I can do at the moment, specially because I won't have any savings to fall back on while I'm on 'maternity leave'. Part of the joys of being your own boss (and obviously, of being crap at trying to provide some security for yourself). I hope I learn some lessons out of this.

I am focusing on the good and the exciting though. Baby Peanut is fully potty trained and has been since the end of June! Even night potty training is done! He started to take off his diaper one day before sleep and we gave in and put him in underwear. Soon awesome! It was a mostly painless process, I am super proud of him. It was all over in two months! We are still bedsharing (whateverrrrr) but he is showering 4 or 5 days a week. Success!! He got excited about the shower after seeing his older cousins at my in laws' house use it, and now there is barely any drama! Hurray! This is great news because I can't really pick him up from his tub anymore. He is around 13.5 kg and I am so damn big right now, it's just really hard (I do it if he won't agree to the shower, but I would rather let him off the hook and not bath him at all if it comes to that). Baby Oz will be here soon! He weights 2.35 kg and is in position and I will do what I can do help him engage, hopefully I can have my VBAC. But if not, I will be okay. I know a c section recovery, I know I can do this. I can be a good mom. Not everyday, not all day, but I try my best, and these two boys will be the work of my life. I love them too much to fail.

31 weeks and freaking out

This heaaaaat, my God. It's been 40°C all of last week and it looks like all of this wee will be 38°C and up. It's horrible, I don't know what I expected but pregnancy and this heat wave is just awful, I never feel dehydrated, but my pressure drops and I get nauseated. I know now that *that's* how dehydration is looking right now, so I'm drinking quite a lot of Gatorade. I know it's not optimal, but plain water doesn't get my pressure up and electrolytes taste horrible.

Work is EXACTLY the same as it was two weeks ago. Construction still not finished (I hope this is the last week). Still waiting for the engineer to send me the house calculations to finish that project. The vineyard is going very slowly - that one is entirely my fault. I got obsessed with the cleaning and decluttering and didn't work on it very much the past two weeks. My kitchen is looking amazing though! So open! I have done about half of Peanut and Oz's closet, and half the pantry too. My desk and the laundry, though, remain awful.

We had to fix our water pump last week and I had to buy a new washer. Mine broke again for the second time in six months and the repair was half what a refurbished one was, so... Screw it. The new washer is pretty awesome but it's been an expensive couple of weeks.

Potty training had a bit of a curve ball last week, with Peanut having a regression and deciding not tell us when he had to use the potty. But we seem to be back on track and we have had two nights of dry diapers, so perhaps we can transition to NO DIAPERS AT ALL in the next few weeks! That would be pretty cool. I am super proud of Baby Peanut, he has been a champ through all of the training and it hasn't been anywhere as painful as I thought it would be.

I am flirting with getting the Marie Kondo book but I fear I will go crazy with the de clutter given how strong my nesting is going already. But.. It sounds like something that I would love so much!

For the past month or so I have been doing some lactation consultations! All for free, obviously, since I don't have any certifications. I have enjoyed them a lot! So far only with two women, but one of them is a very young single mom and she needs a lot of reassurance, so we keep in touch and talk about her progress and problems a lot. It has been really rewarding helping other moms! And a great reminder that the first eight weeks of a baby are No Joke. I hope baby Oz and I have a smooth breastfeeding start. I hope baby Oz is healthy and all goes well. I am scared. But all that is left to do is wait.

It recently occurred to me that this might be my last pregnancy. I would like to have at least another baby, but... Who knows. I'm scared and hope everything goes well at the birth and that we can add to our family in a couple of years again but who knows if we will be able to. One of our friends is undergoing fertility treatments to try and conceive for the first time. We are crossing our fingers for them. This is such a rocky road... Who knows what's in store for all of us. I hope I can enjoy and connect with baby Oz instead of going through so many months of PPD like with Peanut. Time goes by so fast, I can't believe Peanut is already a toddler.

26 weeks

So we are in the last week of the second trimester. I am so not ready to enter the final stretch! So much work left to do, I have done very little baby prep... Gahhh.

We began with potty training this week. At this rate I feel like it might be the only thing I accomplish before the baby is due, since Eli is back to sleeping in our bed. We went to the beach for a week and he slept with us, so coming back home and trying to get him in is bed again was like starting from zero. And I'm tired. I don't sleep very well on his single bed, it was a 10 hour drive in each direction, just... No. So we're back to bed sharing. I also gave up on getting him to take showers instead of using his baby bath. He cried a lot, obviously it was very upsetting and really the bath is not that big a deal. He'll outgrow it eventually.

Today Cookie is taking Peanut to their first baby music class. I took him to the trial class and he seemed to like it, so I HOPE they'll have a good time. It's the first time Cookie takes the baby to do something on their own. In two years. So... Yeah! I am currently enjoying the quiet house, though I have to leave for the construction in a bit.

 The trip to the beach went well. The drive there was very long, but Peanut was a champ through all of it. He was afraid of the sea and didn't like the texture of sand, and took quite a while to warm up to the pool... But we went to an aquarium and he had fun, I think, just in general. I enjoyed myself too, and I think it gave Cookie time to see Eli in better situations than their usual 7-10 pm stretch. We had a photo session with a "professional" photographer at the hotel. He wasn't very good, really, but some of the pictures were nice and I'm just glad to have nice pics of this pregnancy and the beach and all. Peanut looked adorable in all of them :) I'm off to work,  but just look at him! He is my love beyond all love.

23 weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks over here. I hoped to get some rest during Holy Week and Easter, but work hasn't let up at all. My actual for real this time deadline to turn in the final revision of the thesis is next Tuesday. I am not done, and barely any further than I was 4 weeks ago. So I guess there's that.

Work at my  brother's construction site is going well. Quite a few kinks lately but progress continues. He apparently got over his money drama quicker than I could stop worrying about his money drama, and decided he would finish most of what he has planned and if money didn't stretch then he would take money from his home account instead of his savings account and hope for the best. Wuh. If it was necessary he would ask my dad for a loan. The end! Which is... Exactly what I had told him, so he just put me through 5 days of stress a couple of weeks ago for nothing. I did charge him a lower rate than regular clients and we agreed that I would be the last to get paid, but he insisted I charged him because work is work. And boy is it work lately...

Usually no one works during the Holy Days, but my workers decided to work both Thursday and Friday. Turns out, between Thursday evening and Friday morning someone broke in a stole power tools from the construction site. They stole two angle grinders that belonged to the tile installers and my rotary hammer drill. This was an absolute pain in the ass because a) all the workers wanted to blame one another, b) I really am barely breaking even as it is, and don't have money to buy a new one. The drama was long and stressful and annoying. Bottom line, though, the power tools are gone. So. We gotta replace them somehow.

Baby Peanut has been sick for almost two weeks too. First a stomach bug or something, followed by two days of being okay, followed by what looked like a cold but has continued to get worse. Today was the first day the ped could see us, and looks like a sinus infection. Last night it was fever and vomit and he has been coughing for several nights, so... The transition to his bed had a bit of a set back, and I'm sleeping awfully. He has been making some progress towards potty training though! Showing interest and sitting in his potty and peeing there. I'm trying to take it easy and follow his cue. Yesterday he was being an asshole and he tried to sit on one of the dogs and she bit him in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad, just a scrap, and it wasn't an angry or violent bite, more of a back off kind of thing, and I seriously had been after him for exactly the same thing with the other dogs.. But I got distracted and he got hurt. So I have been feeling pretty low and like an awful mom.

Next week Peanut turns two, but I still can't figure out how to have a party that won't be super stressful for me, given how.. Rambunctious his cousins are. I just want a little get together with kids his age, but I can't seem to figure out any way for that to happen without insulting family. At this point I will probably do nothing. I can't figure it out and I don't have much time to plan :S most of next week's morning will be spent at the doctor or getting studies done. Monday is my structural ultrasound and Tuesday I have to take the glucose test and Friday I have a visit with my Obgyn to check the results. Then we - theoretically - leave for a week long trip to the beach with my parents. It will be very nice to be out of town, but the car drive is about 9 hours long and my doctor isn't very happy about the idea. We will do the drive in two days and with plenty of stops, but still... I'm a bit worried. I hope all goes well.

Pregnancy has been mostly okay these weeks, beyond a couple of low pressure episodes. I got meds for it and some advice from the doctor in my  last visit and everything seems to be going well. Baby is moving a lot more and I can definitely feel it. He kicked Cookie last week for the first time, so that was exciting! I started a prenatal "gentle" yoga class last week. I'm loving it but it's also sort of kicking my ass! It's only two classes a week and I had to miss one this week, but it's doing me a lot of good I think. Specially mentally. I've been using that time to try to connect with this baby and its very emotional and sweet. That has been a highlight of my week!

I landed a project to design a restaurant. I am stressed because I don't really do commercial design, mostly just residential stuff. It's a really big project too, and I'm not super good at 3D rendering, so I'm gonna have to work on my skills while I design. I also started a small renovation today that I hope will be done by the middle of next week. So... Work is flowing, which is nice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, which isn't so nice.

I turn 32 next month. I admit there is an undercurrent in my brain that is freaking out. Shouldn't I feel like I have it together yet???

Feeling low

My thesis is due next week and I am nowhere, truly, really, certainly, nowhere near done. I accept that I won't finish it on time, though I wish I could have more done to send to the final revision. I don't know if I'll have time to work on it, though.

Work was going so well. It kind of still is, in that I'm meeting all deadlines with flying colors and things are getting done and looking good. But as it turns out, my brother is running out of money and this somehow took us both by surprise. I don't know if I could have prepared him for it? Help him plan better? But we had a chat on Thursday that almost ended with him in tears and I was being a cold hearted bitch - money is what it is. You either have it or you don't, I can't really stretch it that far. But it made me feel really low, and I think he didn't take my cold approach very well. I now feel like I should have worked more on my thesis than on the construction, given that now that we are running out of money we aren't in a hurry anymore to finish to he can move. Hindsight and all, but it still makes me feel really low.

There's also the matter of charging him for my work. I don't know what to do. Do I? At all? Do I tell him that we can put that on the freezer so he can pay me later? I'm not doing well financially at all, all this working for family is really bad for business. Knowing he's struggling to pay for the renovation is just making me feel awful about charging him. But... It is my only income. I don't know.

Cookie has been sick for over two weeks now. He just finished his course of antibiotics, but he's also running a bad bad allergy that only triggers at night in our room. So. He's slept in the living room the last two nights. In a way I guess that's better for both of us because I was getting awful sleep with him coughing and Peanut waking up, and he's also resting more because he's not coughing all night anymore, but. Yeah. This is not doing us any favors. Him feeling sick means less help with Baby Peanut, and more general crankiness. Which means I'm more tired and more prone to get angry, specially if he's cranky over video games and difficult to be around. I can barely hold it together as it is.

I reached week 20 of this pregnancy, so we're halfway there. I was feeling pretty great until last Thursday, when I went on a crazy cleaning spree trying to vacuum and de-clutter as much as possible to see if that helped with Cookie's allergy. It didn't. And then Friday I felt super crap, ready-to-run-to-the-hospital bad. But it was while I was grocery shopping, so I was alone, and ended up deciding to just try to take I easy instead of alarming my mom. I... I gotta say, I feel pretty lonely lately. Feeling sick and sleep deprivation are hard, but just in general I feel like nothing gets  lined up right. As soon as I get something working I feel like everything else falls apart.

In the end I think it was just more low pressure fun times, combined with being physically exhausted. I felt somewhat better yesterday until nighttime. I have an appointment tomorrow for the 20 week check up, so I'll bring my low pressure up again.

We are transitioning baby Peanut to his own bed. We are still room sharing and I expect we will continue to do so for a couple of years still, unless he asks for his own room. Once the baby is born, I feel like being all in one room would make him feel less displaced. He still wakes once or twice a night to ask for milk or for me to lay down with him, and I start up the night in his bed 3 out of 4 nights. Sometimes I only get two hours of sleep in my bed. But tomorrow will mark two weeks since we started and we haven't had him in our bed a single night, which is something of an achievement. He does cry and asks to sleep in the big bed, but I offer to go down to his instead and it usually works okay. He wakes up crying much less often than when he slept with us, which is also good! We are also introducing him to the shower really slowly. He's afraid of the falling water, so he cries when we shower him instead of bathing him in his baby bath. But he's almost too big for his bath now! It's a bit unwieldy. He'll turn two by the end of this month. I need to figure out a lot in this coming months and get some sort of new routines for him before the new baby is here. I don't want him to feel like his world is falling apart because of his brother :(

I'm planning to toilet train him in May. We will take a road trip to the beach with my parents the first week of May, so once we are back I'm tackling that. I hope it goes smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I'm dreading the heat this summer. I haven't gained as much weight as with Peanut's pregnancy so far, but I'm still retaining a lot of water and my digestion is so slow.. I already feel uncomfortable and have pain in my legs and feet. I'm trying to walk more, which does help, but I haven't been able to really stick to a daily schedule.

These past weeks I bought a package of newborn sized diapers, three size 0 pj's and one 3 months sized pj for the new baby (code named Ozymandias, or Ozzy for short). It's been a slowwww road to confidence. I almost broke down in the diapers aisle when I picked the diapers. What if I was jinxing him? What if something terrible happened? I know it can happen. I know nothing is ever certain. But I bought some tiny footed pj's  just the same. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but for me it was a great leap of faith. Can't wait to meet you, baby Oz.

18 weeks!

Today we are 18 weeks into this pregnancy, and the first Braxton Hicks construction just woke me up. Uhhh.. I don't  remember having them this weakly last time, but I don't really remember when they started.

I feel the baby move very lightly sometimes, which is different from baby Peanut's pregnancy. Then again, he always measured ahead, and this baby is measuring consistently to the day. We saw the doctor last week and to avoid any more "I guess the baby is asleep" moments, I had a bunch of mini chocolates before the appointment. Baby was very active! Everything looked okay, and we got to find out we are having a boy!! Baby Peanut is having a baby brother! I'm so excited!

Since then I think Cookie has connected with the pregnancy a lot the bit more. We had our fourth anniversary last week too, and some time alone, so that might have helped with his disposition too. He's also trying to be calmer around Peanut, all out of his own accord. Last Saturday he got really worked up with Elias because he had a bunch of tantrums while we were downtown (nothing terrible but not fun, his usual I am not getting to do what I want meltdowns) but then on Sunday we went to my in laws place and all of my nephews were hell. Just, so difficult and mean to each other and exhausting to be around, and Peanut was.. Peanut. Just, his bumbly, almost two year old playful self. And on by he way home he apologized to Peanut for losing it the day before, a said he was gonna try to be calmer because clearly Elias wasn't a brat. We are all a work in progress, I know!

I'm feeling a bit sad and annoyed because my mom said something last Tuesday that got to me. She always calls Peanut her baby, but Tuesday she called him her son in front of her sisters. I said, you know, no, my son. And she said, yeah, that's what you say. And... It makes me feel like I need to figure out a way to not leave Peanut so many hours under her care. I love her and I know she means well, but if she thinks that then s be probably thinks I am abusing her willingness to look after him? I'm struggling right now because I work a few hours in the morning and then I leave for another 3 hours for the thesis class. So yes, that's a lot of hours. I stayed on with Peanut yesterday morning but I couldn't get any work done so that's not a long term solution. I don't know. It makes me angry, to think she doesn't see me as my own boy's mom. But perhaps I'm just angry because it makes me sad that she (or worse, Peanut) might think that.

On the whole thesis subject, I haven't done a THING this week, which is terrible. I only have what is left of this week and three more before the class is over and the thesis has to be turned in. It probably won't be finished but it has to be mostly done or at least done to the bare bones. That... Man. I'm not sure I can do it. It's so much work  and my brother also wants the interiors of his house ready to be painted by the end of the month or the beginning of April. I'm a bit worried at this point.

Still. I'm going to take more time off today and take Peanut to the park and see the ducks. I feel guilty for all the time away I'm spending from him, and some time at the park will be fun, I think. Only one more month and the thesis will take less time from my afternoons, at least.

Week 12

Here we are approaching the end of the first trimester! This pregnancy is going by so fast, despite how much more laid back I'm being than with the first. I have had very little work this past month -not to speak, besides, of the work I let slide and go away because I wasn't feeling well and didn't care about it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because holy molly, do we have things to pay for this month- so I have mostly hung out at my parents place, taken naps, felt sick and nauseous, played with Elias and be moody.

Hormones are a difficult, difficult thing. I am still not out of the woods with the nausea and reflux, and if past experience is any indicator, reflux is here to stay for the next 6 months, and I'm cranky and moody and sad for no reason, or, maybe not for no reason, but feeling sick for two straight months hasn't done much good for my disposition. Poor Cookie has been dealing as he can. I have felt better these past few days, at least health-wise, so I hope my mood improves too! I am feeling the nesting, too. Nghhh. Want to.. build furniture... paint rooms.. fix house...

We saw the doctor last Friday. The baby is looking good! It moved and waved a bit, was measuring a day behind, though at this point it was hard to measure the size by either the vaginal or external ultrasound. Next month we'll probably find if it's a boy or a girl. I'm still nervous and will probably will continue to feel nervous all the way to the 20 week anomaly scan. And then after that, I'm sure I'll feel nervous until we hit viability, and then all the way until the baby is born, anxiously counting kicks and terrified of something happening. Buttttt. Despite my absolute neurosis, I gotta say I think I'm much calmer this time around! IMAGINE WHAT A WRECK I WAS LAST TIME. But we're nearing the end of the first trimester, so miscarriage is less and less likely with every week. I know, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about the worst that can happen all the time. I know this state of anxiety will lead me to PPD and PPA again. I don't think I can control it, though. I have had several talks with my SIL, the one who went through hell to bring her daughter to term after 5(6?) miscarries, and she keeps telling me I have no reason to believe something will go wrong. That I have to relax. No warning signs. All is well. RELAX. And I feel like, how can I let go? How do you let go?

I think I should probably try yoga this time around. Last time I was being super tight with money because everyone talked about how expensive babies are and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, and financial security has always been this huge thing for me, the room it gives you to breathe, that I decided no to spend money on yoga classes. But... PPD and PPA were hell. And I've read that you are more likely to have them if you already had them once, AND that having anxiety during pregnancy is also a big factor for PPA. Perhaps some centering and exercise can help?

Things that are different this time around:
-I'm not so concerned about money. Yes, babies come with their share of expenses. But last time I had nothing and clothes and baby stuff made it's way to me through friends and family, I know what we need and what we don't, we have all our cloth diapers, I know I can exclusively breastfeed barring any health complications. And newborns are tiny. They don't need a lot, not really. And the rest of the stuff, you have time to figure it out when they are born and they grow and actually need stuff.

-I have actually lost weight this month. Gahhhh. The nausea has been incapacitating some days, thankfully just a handful, but in any case I can't stomach a lot of foods so this month I actually lost a kilo instead of putting any weight. I started at 58 (I think? 59 maybe?) and was at 63 after the holidays (stuffing my face during the holidays is a tradition!! I was not giving that up!) and this past Friday I was down to 62 kg. The doctor says she doesn't think I'll put as much weight this time around since I have to be after Baby Peanut, so I'm more active. She might have a point!

-My blood pressure has always been kind of low, but these days it doesn't take much to lower it to the point where I feel dizzy and out of breath and my heart rate skyrockets. I don't remember this from the last time around.

-I'm already showing a little bit! Kind of saw that coming given that it's my second pregnancy and that Baby Peanut's pregnancy gave me diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles kind of tore appart and you could fit three fingers between them, like.. I can't explain it. It's weird and it was super painful while I was pregnant.) I have already been told I will need surgery to repair the muscles at some point. I think I looked almost normal by 6-8 months postpartum, so I think my muscles kind of recovered? but anyway, I have a small belly at 12 weeks. It's cute! I'm enjoying it!

-Oh, not new, probably, but last time I had no way of knowing if I was crazy (my doctor would say yes, definitely crazy) or I could actually feel the baby moving at 11 weeks or so. I can now say I have never felt those tiny popcorn popping taps but when pregnant. I felt them at 10w3d this time around. I know, too early. Can't be that. Must be gas. I am pretty sure I know how gas feels at this point, though (awful, it's hell, gahhhh) and those? Not gas. I don't feel them all the time or every day, just sometimes when I'm laying down. Tap tap tap. Tap. It's very awesome.

Baby Peanut still doesn't seem to get anything when I try to tell him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he is the best baby in the universe. It's been a difficult month of tantrums and separation anxiety with me, he's more and more willful every day, but.. I think it's also developmentally normal. His dad gets so exasperated because he doesn't seem to be listening most of the time, and looks like he is ignoring us when we tell him something. Specially if he's looking at something at the TV *eyerolls* I WONDER WHOM HE RESEMBLES. I told him this morning that Baby Peanut is just operating at a different speed from us, and that he has to make sure he has his attention, and then.. wait. And wait some more. And yes, sometimes he's ignoring us because what we want doesn't align with what he wants, so.. it's easier to ignore us. But I think that's just a maturity thing, a mechanism. I can repeat myself and help him do what I need him to do, and sometimes it makes him cry, but... I think in time he will understand? And I know everyone, not just kids, functions at different speeds. It's just a personality thing. I get exasperated with Cookie ALL THE TIME because he takes forever to do things I ask him to, and sometimes waits long enough that he forgets to do them entirely. He got a bit offended with me when I said that, ooops. But... maybe he'll think about that and be a bit more patient with the baby.

I suppose I should get back to work. I'm currently making 3D visualizations of my brother's fixer upper. It's not very interesting work, and I'm kind of DONE working with family, but we're just getting started to work on his new house. So. I'll be there for the next 3-4 months, I think. I've been at my SIL's house for the past 3 months. And before that, 5 months at my BIL's house. I reaaaally don't like mixing family and work. SIL's house has been... not the best of experiences. But I'll be over soon. They are happy with the work that was done, so that's good. I need to finish my brother's visualizations so I can start working on a design for a house. Cookie and I are going to attempt to build and sell a house. We already have a property! We are finalizing the paperwork, but it's ours. I am unsure we can make this work financially, so I have to be super diligent with both design and budgeting, and then a hawk at construction. But... even if I realize it won't work when I budget it, at least the money is no longer at the bank. Our economy is not very reassuring right now. I know we have a couple of difficult years ahead of us, between Trump's foreign policies and our own upcoming elections. So I hope... I don't know. I hope everything turns out right. It's a scary time to be bringing a new life to the world.

Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

Fortune on my side

*Crosses fingers*

December has been kind to me!  I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago,  saying my fees had been approved,  so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job,  I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!

I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work,  no shortcuts,  on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA.  Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well,  I hadn't bothered before- aaaand...  I had failed that class.  Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam,  and I knew I had done well.  Except...

I never saw the "next page"  button at the start of the exam.  So.  I answered only one third of the questions.

Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it,  except cry and take the class again next year.  I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything,  but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam,  instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform.  I am so thankful!!!  That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out.  I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief,  it was the stupidest of mistakes.

I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant!  I'm currently 7 weeks along,  so it's still very early,  but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day,  so...  Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test,  and everything  looked okay.  Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat,  so I'm hoping all goes well.

Cookie was rather surprised,  since he  thought we were safe.  I thought we were trying for a baby,  so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not  super excited at first,  but he's gotten around the idea and  think he's happy.  Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy,  more than usual,  and I'm really tired these days,  but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.

Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach.  I am not showing at all!!  Ugh,  it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public,  I did tell my family,  but..  I don't know.  I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now.  But here I am!  With the blog! But still..  Also:  the nausea,  the swelling (why so soon??),  the low blood pressure and the reflux.  I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around,  though I am also a lot more positive right now.  I am cautious,  but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can,  since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.

I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune!  Have a great new year,  everyone!

The end of the MBA!

I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished!  Last week I turned in the last final projects,  and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA!  All that is left is doing the English accreditation,  which  I should have done forever ago but I haven't,  and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis,  which is my current dilemma,  but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!

 I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother,  who helped me get through this.  It never felt like it was ever the right time,  I never had enough time or enthusiasm,  was never fully in an academic mode.  I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation,  but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best,  but it wasn't just hard,  it was a sacrifice.  I had never felt like that before.  It probably sounds super dramatic,  but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders,  that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.

The dilemma right now is,  there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class,  based on our final project,  to turn that into the thesis.  It sounds like a good idea,  except the class was awful,  the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I...  I really want to finish,  but I don't know if I want that.  I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid,  so I'm worried about taking the "high road"  and just not finishing.

I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture,  mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine.  There used to be one,  but it moved to a much smaller city in the state,  and we wonder why.  In any case,  glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.

Work is okay.  November was insane,  since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands.  She's now fine,  thank God, but it made everything  really hard and packed.

I continue to struggle financially.  Nothing new there,  though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment.  For no particular reason,  really!  I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having  the financial security my parents have.  And he made me realize that's dumb. One,  because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs,  no matter how gradually.  And two,  because we are not in a void.  My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build,  and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever.  They helped each other every day of their lives,  and they he'll their brothers and sisters,  and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days.  And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that,  so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed.  Because it's never as hard as we think.

I also found a new home for Ahri,  he dog I rescued!  Right on Thanksgiving,  too!  She  was adopted by three roommates,  they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways.  I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!

Baby Peanut is a delight,  though he has been sick this past month.  Nothing serious,  but he hasnt been feeling great,  the poor thing.  He is loving Christmas this year,  all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations,  the stores...  He is so gleeful!  I'm loving this time of year with him.

Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby.  It's mostly just not preventing at this point,  since it's hard to keep a much more active love life.  Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have.  But we'll see!  Maybe!  I'm excited!  I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35,  we should probably get on the program.  And he said yeah,  we probably should,  and then just stopped preventing.  And here we are!  I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky,  so we'll see.  I'll keep you posted!

A year and a half

Baby Peanut is so 18 months old!  A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week,  since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).

What's new?  Well,  he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars.  He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall.  He loves to dance.  He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah!  Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night,  though he asks for milk once a night usually.  But his bottle is right there so. . .  Easy peasy.

It hasn't made much of an impact in my life,  the change in sleep.  I thought it would,  but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better.  I am not particularly better rested these days.  I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship,  though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while,  I was crying over everything,  having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal,  though.

I tried St.  John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.

I am feeling very desperate these days,  though,  about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off.  December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that.  I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean.  I have tried,  but every month is something different that is a money black hole.  The robbery,  the dogs,  this month is the car insurance,  next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . .  I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.

The MBA is four weeks from being over.  I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is.  I should be doing homework right now,  instead of writing here,  but I felt like crying.  This week I got an assignment turned back,  the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over,  because it doesn't fit the content of the week.  Except it does,  he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them.  I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back,  because obviously it would make him lose face.  So fuck me instead,   right?  I can do useless homework all day.  The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen.  I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it,  how can any teacher do what he us doing.  Just.  Why bother with any of this.

I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday.  I know what the long term plan is.  But knowing is not helping me get through this.  My day to day feels like such a struggle,  the long term just doesn't carry  much weight right now.

My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose,  and had to have surgery.  Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands,  and it's very clear to  me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried.  But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort.  I just. . .  Can't.  Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass.  But I need to draw a line somewhere.  I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.

Being in debt makes me crazy.  Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it,  not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work,  but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . .  I know plenty of people have it worst than me.  I know this.  I am fine.  I can pay this debt.  I am healthy.  I have a beautiful family.  I have the support of my loved ones.  Please,  God,  just let me stay one step ahead of this madness.  Help me find my peace.  Help me be patient.  Please,  God.

I can't do it all.  Help me figure this out.

The return of the anxiety monster

It's been a difficult couple of weeks.  This weekend in particular was very draining as work has piled on and gotten very demanding,  with clients that aren't satisfied with the end results and projects that have turned to be huge investments of time,  eating away at any profit that we were going to make.
I have stress dreams and lay awake in the small hours of the morning,  thinking of everything that might go wrong and thinking how I can run away from all the imagined disasters.  I am exhausted,  physically and mentally,  short tempered,  sad,  just about ready to drop all work projects and just stay home with the baby.

The MBA is eating away at the few free hours of the weekend.  I am constantly on,  working or thinking about work,  on the phone or preparing budgets and presentations or driving around and buying whatever we need at the construction site.  This is my job,  I know,  it's not asking anything unexpected of me,  but I can barely hold it together.

Cookie and I are having problems too.  Two weeks ago I was on the verge of leaving.  I managed to calm down and we talked,  mostly about redistribution of house chores,  because I am so tired all the time,  I just need something to be off my plate.  Anything.  But it did get really ugly,  even if it was a very calm conversation,  and he said he was ready to leave too, but he was much more confident in our love than I was.  I have been praying and asking for strength and patience and understanding,  because I do love him, and I don't want us to fail.

I thought I was over PPD and PPA.  Thought I had managed to get past them on my own.  But here we are again,  very much in the same state I was in late November.  Needing help and unsure if I want to medicate.

Baby Peanut is doing great.  He walks and plays and climbs and crawls.  I think he's a bit behind since he really doesn't say anything but mama.  But he signs some and I know he understand a lot,  so I hope his vocabulary grows before it officially becomes a speech delay.  He is gorgeous.  Loves his dogs and gently pets them,  loves to give kisses and hugs,  flirts with all the ladies he sees.  I don't know why I torture myself with work.  I wish I had more time for my baby and a more relaxed life.

I guess I'm the only one that can find the balance,  no matter how hard it might be to say no and drop clients and projects.  Something has to give.

Back from our vacation, time for some perspective

I haven't posted in a while so I'll try to do a quick recap:

We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents,  it all well pretty well. No one said anything,  just a few not super happy faces.  Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony.  He was the only baby cc crying,  nonstop,  for 45 minutes.  THAT SURE WENT WELL.

After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration,  half birthday party.  We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law.  All went well and was very tasty!

The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli.  He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?

We had a week and a half trip in early May.  We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them,  even if work did not relent even while I was away,  and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment.  We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them,  so it was nice.  And I got to see my brother too.  Flying with a one year old was...  Stressful.  And packed.  Not the easiest of endeavors.  But we managed and came back in one piece,  even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach -  I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well.  During our trip,  baby Peanut cut his first molar.  Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.

I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation.  It was uneventful.  Cookie forgot,  though after some drama he got me flowers the next day.  They were pretty :)

I also had my period that day,  the first one since I got pregnant.  Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant.  Meh.  But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!

Turning 31 kind of freaked me up.  I can't believe I'm over thirty.  I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.

Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now.  I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients.  The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish,  so it's a bit of a daunting project.  But things are moving forward this week.

I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week.  I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock.  I did pretty well in the last trimester,  so at least all those Sundays paid up.

I am feeling better after our trip.  I was..  Angry and disappointed while we were on it,  because I couldn't leave work behind,  because I couldn't go to the beach,  because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so,  still not over his casein intolerance,  still not night weaned,  etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods,  I managed to recharge.  I'm grateful l we got to go.

As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today,  I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now.  Of those,  7 years I've been a free agent.  I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like,  I have pretty much made it on my own,  and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had.  It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing,  and that's something to b  proud of.

Elimination diet, teeth and walking

I managed to get two weeks without caffeine without slips this week,  plus a week without rice,  our new suspect.  The caffeine elimination didn't seem to have much effect,  but the rice elimination might have.  Baby Peanut hasn't had reflux in a while and I think he's sleeping better,  still waking up but more because he wakes when we move than because he's in pain.  Not sure if it's the elimination diet or if it's because he cut his eight tooth last weekend.  It could be either,  really!  This whole parenting thing is so not a science!

He's also beginning to walk unassisted!  Two days ago he did it for my parents first and then for me later,  a half dozen wobbly steps laughing all the way.  I am so proud of him!  He is such a happy dude!  I think he'll be more confident and walking more in the next few days,  so he'll be fully walking for our May vacation!  He'll be a year old in two weeks! So,  so soon.

We just got him his passport today as well. I feel like he's becoming a toddler so fast!  How can it be??  He was a chubby baby just a few months ago.

I'm thinking of getting a fancy watch for Cookie for Baby Peanut's birthday.  I've been thinking about buying it for a while,  but it's very expensive,  but Elias' birthday is also our first parenthood anniversary.  And I think we're doing a good job.  He's a great dad.  We have come a long way!

Work is absolutely crazy right now. So.  Much. Work.  I can't get anything off my plate!  Which is causing me some recurrent anxiety,  but I hope I can get on top of things before our trip.  Last time I was super swamped with work before a trip I got pregnant!  Now I have an almost one year old to wrangle.  I sure can use the vacation,  I'm really looking forward to the time with our family and friends. And no work.  No work at all.

Sleepless adventures

It's been two weeks since I quit caffeine. Coffee and tea joined the list of things I really wish I could have, along with hot dog bread, hamburger bread, pizza, enchiladas, creamy pasta, smoothies, yogurt, and all dairy. Quitting dairy was hard at first, but I am mostly used to it by now, it's just eating out and craving desserts that get tough. Caffeine, on the other hand... at first it wasn't hard to quit, I expected some withdrawal and super sleepiness but I felt fine. But I've been craving it kind of bad on and off since then, and I've had a couple of slips during the Holy Week break.

Anyway, it seems to me that quitting caffeine has had no effect on Baby Peanut's sleep(less) nights. He had one good night last week where he slept four hours (angels singing!) and another night where he slept two 3 hour-long chunks and... that's it. I know it takes a while for my body to get rid of all traces of caffeine and a while for his little body to clean up too, and I know the process has been impeded by the occasional slip, but.. I had hoped to see more improvement than this.

I will do my best to keep at it for at least two full weeks with no slips, and if I see no improvement I'm just going to allow myself to have it again. He had excellent naps during this long weekend and still had terrible nights, so I don't know what else to do. The good news, though, is that he hasn't fall asleep on the breast three nights in a row, he eats until he pushes me away and then just chats and babbles for 10-15 minutes while he drifts of, which is great! I have hope!

Cookie took two weeks off work and had a staycation, which was nice. I still had to work but I tried to take it easier, though I definitely felt frustrated by the lack of productivity. Today is his first day back at work and I'm feeling closer to normal.

I've been battling anxiety for a couple of weeks. I had a bad experience in the decoration project, where a mason worker took the opportunity to go inside the apartment when I was alone and closed the door behind him, and started to chat me up. It raised all the flags in my head and scared the shit out of me, and I ended up literally running after my friend's car. When I mentioned the incident to the client he was concerned, but also made me feel like I had provoked him, asking me if I had previously chatted with the guy. Which I had! As normal people do! what normal people don't do is wait until a woman is alone to go and lock themselves with her. Just.  Ugh.

Our decorative pillows business is selling head rests and bed stands made to order, and we had a run in with a client that ordered a model and a day after we delivered them to her place, she called to say her husband hadn't liked them and they wanted their money back. Which might be a possibility if we were a furniture store, which we aren't. There's a reason they are made to order, so we don't have stock, and because people want pretty specific things when they come to us. Anyway, the husband had a bad vibe around him, like the problem was that she had done the ordering and purchasing while he was away from home or something, along with problems like the bed stand didn't fit through their stairs (it was a regular double bed) and that the landlord didn't want them to remove a window to take it upstairs. She then said she had though it was a pull apart bed stand, which she never mentioned. And that it was too small for their double. I got very suspicious, because these are not small and mattresses have standard sizes, and I think the problem is that they have a queen size and ordered a double. All of which is not my problem! He did seem extremely macho and patronizing and she was super subdued and quiet around him, which is making me dread dealing with them. I don't really want to face him, and I hate having these thoughts about not being "alone". But.. better safe than sorry, I guess.

So.. work is making me a big anxious, specially because I'm behind and there's weird people out there, but everything is going mostly well. Baby Peanut is 11 months today! He's crawling around, cruising around furniture, making signs ("all done" and "dog" this weekend!) and being awesome. He's so bigggg, crazy little man.

10 months!

Baby Peanut is now crawling!  No more army crawling with his face,  but honest to God crawling.  He also cruises around furniture and is fearless standing up,  often trying to walk on his own (and failing quite spectacularly still,  but he tries!) I love hearing his laugh as we run after the dogs or towards his grandma,  or just walking around the house,  laughing because he is so proud of himself.  He has the best laugh.

He weights 10 kilos fully clothed,  so probably more like 9.800. We are up to date with his vaccines and he is chubby but leaner and has a big big head.

Such a big head.  

Sleep is still a crazy endeavor.  He still wakes about every hour and a half/two hours.  I don't know how to improve on that,  though we got through the worst of the growth spurt/sleep regression (hard to call it a regression when he hasn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row since in months)  by going back to his reflux medication.  After all the meds from The Cold From Hell his stomach just wasn't the same.  I'm back on a strict no dairy products diet and he's back on Nexium. I think part of the problem was that he got 5 teeth in a month, so maybe... Sleep might improve?  Someday! 

He has 7 teeth now,  and swollen gums on the top premolars canines.  Gah.  I thought we might have to wean soon when he got all the teeth because he was chaffing my nipples when he sucked,  but things have improved and we're back on track.  I would like to meet my one year goal,  then we'll see how we feel about it.  He loves to breastfeed and shows no signs of self weaning,  but I'm starting to feel more ready to stop...  I don't want to quit cold turkey or anything,  and it wasn't even on my kind for a long time, so lately when I eye my non-breastfeeding friendly clothes I just think to myself that soon he'll be done with this part of his life,  and it's bittersweet.  I will miss this connection a lot.  

Work is really busy right now,  though I'm still struggling financially.  Teaching was my only steady income so I'm fully freelancing right now. Construction on C&D's house is going well,  but I'm not taking any money from there yet.  I am working with an old client on the design for her new home's bathrooms and fixing some issues the house has, but that's only just starting.  Our side business of decorative pillows has been doing really well thanks to Pam's hard work,  so I'm doing what I can to help and keep up.  We're decorating and apartment for rent for a client,  which has been a lot of scavenging for good design for cheap.  I hope we'll be done with that next week.  The MBA program is kicking my ass, finding time to do homework is proving really difficult.  The classes are really off my area of knowledge and the teachers aren't doing much explaining,  which is a problem I have ran into a lot with the online program.  But we're halfway done with this trimester!  I can do it!  I have one mandatory credit left and three optional ones,  so mayyyybe the optional ones can be less ass kicking?  I am just realizing this,  I am almost done with the core classes!

After a lot of working  around hurdles it seems like we might get him baptized this month.  I want to do a little get together but it's a bit daunting.  So much family!  Such unruly nephews! I fear it might be a disaster! But I will be glad to get that done and all the possible drama out of the way (there has been a lot of drama with my in laws about our choice of godparents,  but as it often plays out,  it's mostly passive aggressive drama).   

I welcome March feeling better.  February was better than January,  mood wise if not sleep wise, and I think March is going to be better.  I am hopeful.  I am thankful.  It's all going to be okay. 

9 months

So finally little Peanut has lived in the outside world as long as he lived in my womb.  That is some really crazy perspective.

He's currently fighting a throat infection, and though he has been better yesterday and today,  he's still on antibiotics (or,  more like back on antibiotics,  since he finished the prescribed period but the symptoms persist so the doctor said to continue a few more days).  It has been a very difficult week,  though in general I feel like January was a bit better.  This week was marked by bouts of vomiting,  fever,  screaming and crying while we gave him dose after dose of medicines and a really exhausted household.

This week also marks my return to the MBA.  I am terrified because I have very little free time for homework,  so even though it's all virtual,  or maybe because it is,  it is really hard to dedicate six or eight hours a week to it.  I am struggling because when I'm home with the husband and the baby there is really not a way to disengage from them.

I made a resolution this week to talk people around me up,  instead of complaining about them (this week was heavy on the complaining side), but I struggle with the level of shared responsibility for the baby with Cookie.  Doing homework (or more like,  trying and failing)  for the master is just one symptom of the problem.  I don't know how to breach the subject without having an open war,  but I think I'm reaching the point that if it takes a full blown ugly argument  to touch the subject,  I'll have a full blown ugly argument.  I know I tend to blame other people and be angry with them when things don't go as I planned them,  when in reality I am also to blame and most things cannot be planned or expected to go as one wishes,  so I reaaaally need to work on that because it's a very ugly trait of mine.

So.  Talking up.  Not blaming (even if it's done 90% just in my head).  Add those to my 2016 list,  along with having a meatless dinner a week (this week is was fried rice with veggies,  last week it was veggie chow mein! I am looking for more suggestions/ideas!) and cooking more.  Since I got pregnant and most of last year I really pushed the envelope on eating out because no time,  cooking making me nauseous,  etc,  but it's hurting our budget.  I am trying to get back on track on the budgeting and better financial organization as well.  So far...  Uhh. Well,  as soon as I finish paying my car insurance I'll be debt free,  and ready to start saving again.  Last year I didn't meet my savings mark because I went crazy on December.  Between Christmas presents and impulse buys and paying bonuses for my eventual employees (some of them,  like our cleaning lady and my first mason at work not really eventual at all)  it got really out of hand.

We also had a few things to pay for that hit me this month,  one of them our water pump breaking and needing to be entirely replaced (waaah!)  and the yearly house taxes and the car yearly service.  On the good news,  I finished Ms.  T's house renovation and I am mostly done with a facade project. The project that was stressing me out the most kind of fell through the cracks and the client never contacted me again.  I think we are even?  The first payment does cover what I did, pretty much,  so.   I am not worrying about it anymore.

On the work department there are some new projects on the horizon.  Tomorrow me and Pam are meeting a client for whom we made an interior design proposal and budget last week.  Cris and David's house addition,  which I started on December,  is going a bit slowly,  but it's going well,  so I'm hoping February shows some mayor advances there.  Currently we have all the columns and the iron structure for the major beams of the first floor,  which I hope we can pour  next weekend.  So by the end of next month I hope we'll be working on the second floor's roof.

Eli's achievements are many!  I haven't weighted or measured him this month,  but he can cruise around the playpen,  stand up supporting himself, and kinda scoot backwards when he tries to crawl.  Crawling is his bane!  He can't get his head around it.  But he claps and says 'mama' and 'apa'  and feeds himself and signs milk and more,  he waves bye bye,  gives many hugs and kisses,  and loves pandas so much.  He points where the panda is on one of his books and loves to touch and look at the box of Takenoko. I am currently trying to teach him the signs for mom,  dad,  grandma,  grandpa, sleep,  cookie,  bath,  all done,  diaper change,  eat and thirsty.  He..  Doesn't seem to give a damn! But maybe soon?

On the sleep front,  we're still bedsharing and he's still waking up multiple times a night to feed.  It's hard,  but this week while he was sick he would only take the breast,  and then for a day and a half he wouldn't even breastfeed much,  he felt so sick,  that I am very grateful that he's feeling better enough to wake up to eat.  I know he will eventually demand less milk,  even if right now it feels like he's the only 9 month old that doesn't sleep a long stretch at night.  I have been trying to coach my sister in law,  who had a failed breastfeeding relationship with her son 7 years ago,  with her new baby.  Her pediatrician  is not supportive at all and this causes her plenty of confusion and anxiety.  My other sister in law's sister also gave birth this month  and I gave some more successful advice to her,  so that makes me happy!  I am still halfway through the breastfeeding online certification class I started months ago,  but a lot of the initial problems with breastfeeding come from un supportive pediatricians or family.  My brother's wife also had a baby girl this month  (so many babies!) but her previous experience was mostly successful,  so we talk about it a lot,   and it's nice to have that to bond over,  since we aren't super close. I am currently That Crazy Breastfeeding Lady, I know.

The baby is asleep to I will return to homework for as long as it lasts!  I can do this!  12 more weeks to go!