2018

I haven't posted in too long! I keep thinking, I'll find some time soon, and then I never do. So this might be short and disjointed but better than nothing!

Christmas came and went and so did the new year. I was exhausted with all the family gatherings and the super last minute shopping. I was out shopping the 23rd still. It was... Gah. But I was glad to see my brother and he met baby Isaac! They really connected, it was very cute.

I decided to start the new year with a clean financial slate, so I used my savings to pay off the credit cards. I set up to do a new budget for the house and did a frugality challenge for January. I set up to not eat out for a month, which was haaaaard but I made it! I'm working on my savings, which were decimated by 2017 and working for family. I'm taking a class on investing in stocks, and enjoying it! I'm also fully back to work, doing a couple of projects and the consulting thing for the construction company. Which means I can better plan our spending since I have an income again.

Last month was a fraught time while I searched for a preschool for Peanut. Turns out we can't really afford to pay for two preschools. Cookie really wanted a montessori but it was too much, we could not afford to have two kids in any of them in two years. We could barely afford one kid. So.. I visited 8 schools and called a bunch more. It was exhausting. In the end we decided for a mixed method school, it's run by a non profit, so the costs are mostly symbolic. We ended deciding against public school because the classes were packed, but it was our second choice. That consumed a lot of my time and energy last month, and put me and Cookie at odds. He doesn't enjoy talking about money and all of his nephews attend his childhood school, which was the montessori we definitely couldn't afford. My father in law offered to help pay for part of Peanut's tuition there, but that just made things worse...

In any case, I went and signed Peanut up at his new (super hippie) school yesterday. We haven't said anything to my in-laws about it yet and I suspect they won't be thrilled about our choice but I'm happy with the school and we are comfortable with the tuition. And I think that kind of peace is worth a bit of family drama.

My anxiety is quiet for now, though I'm a bit depressed just in general. Cookie and I are a bit disconnected, which makes me sad, but I'm so tired all the time... It's hard to make time for us. He will be out of town for work next week so we'll be apart for Valentine's. It's no big deal but still... I wish we could reconnect and I wish I felt normal and not like I'm barely making it every day.

I know this feeling won't last. Everything is in flux right now. Baby Oz is starting to eat solids, and turning 6 months tomorrow. He's so big, and so happy. We just need to be kind to each other and wait until the kids need us a bit less. It will happen. And I will miss my babies.

5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

My ultimate hospital bag list

Today is out last day at the hospital, and for posterity (and in case I need a refresher a few years from now), here's what we really used and needed:

Baby wipes and diapers
Water bottles
Phone and chargers
Battery bank
Kindle
Glasses
Dried plums
Protein bars/snacks
Lanolin
Shampoo
Toothbrush
Baby nail clippers
Two pillows
Comb
Lotion
Mints
Lip balm
Pj's for Cookie
Underwear
Sanitary pads
Baby clothes in NB and 0-3 sizes
Baby blanket for ride home

I tried to use everything the hospital provided but they kept asking us for clothes for the baby, and allowed me to use pads and underwear. I don't remember that from last time around. I also didn't really use the nursing pillow, a small pillow was much more comfortable to have around the bed.
I don't think I need two changes of clothes, though. I will probably leave in the pants and shirt I wore coming in, since the dress I brought doesn't sound very appealing right now. Not a bad choice, just... I don't know. Less easy to move around.

I also brought nursing pads that were completely unnecessary, and this time I didn't bring a diary or a pen and didn't miss them at all.

I was in an LOT of pain last night and cried quite a bit because moving is so hard. I hope today is better. I am only getting oral acetaminophen now, so pain management is now what would be at home. I'm a bit afraid. But today I'm going home, and I'm seeing my dearest Peanut, so all will be better somehow. Can't wait to have our family together and have my boys meet each other. Isaac is such a calm baby, and he's so lucky Peanut has taught us so much. I can't wait to be their mom.

Birth story

Baby Isaac was born on Thursday 10th, in a pretty warm August day, at 9 am exactly. After a last day of errands and getting checked at the doctor's, we went to bed really late on Wednesday. At midnight we were still chatting in bed and trying to convince Peanut to go to sleep. He kept putting his little hand on his chest and saying "big brother". He also had quite a meltdown earlier, probably because he picked up on all my stress. We slept very little - Cookie probably about three hours, me maybe 5. Then we got up, got ready, and were out of the house by 6:20. We dropped Peanut with my parents -he was awake and cried when we left, clearly upset. It was so hard for me to leave.

We seldom talked about it but it was like the pink elephant in the room: Cookie and I were terrified that something might go wrong and that I could die. I was also terrified that something might happen to the baby and we might return home empty handed. Just. It's a difficult day, where we face our mortality really closely. So saying goodbye to Peanut was very hard, thinking... It could be the last time. I am so dramatic about this. But I know it's also a deep fear for Cookie.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:35, filled the entrance paperwork, got into our room. Turns out it was the same room I was with Elías! Room 202, the one in the corner. It was kind of cool, to be here again. I changed into a robe and around 7:15 they had me prepared and rolled me into the waiting surgery room. I met the anesthesiologist, Dr. Ramos, and the pediatrician on call, Dr. Andrade. The ped was kind of really brisk and not particularly warm, so I'm glad he wasn't on call when I had Peanut. This time around I'm a bit more comfortable and less afraid, so... I'm just doing what I know. Dr. Ramos was really kind. He gave me the epidural around 8:05, and I barely felt a thing. He stayed by my side the whole surgery and would give me the play by play of everything that was happening or would happen. He also let Cookie in when the cutting had started and took care of him when he was almost passing out. Poor Cookie. He didn't get to cut the cord this time, he almost fainted when they were cleaning the baby, says seeing the head come out of the open cavity was too much like they pulling an organ out of me. He recovered and we got to the pictures in the OR, though! Cookie left with the ped, and Dr. Ramos stayed with me, chatting me up and giving me druuugs. I found out then he is my Obg's husband, which was funny I didn't know before! She did a wonderful job and by 10:30 I was in the recovery room. It took me longer this time to recover, about an hour and a half, so I came into our room around noon. Cookie was pretty worried by then, since with Peanut I took about an hour less to be back.

I was in quite some pain and I still feel very sore. The afterbirth pains are probably the worst, though I have also been coughing a bit and it's THE WORST. I got up and walked a tiny bit yesterday evening, and I'm still pretty famished (I didn't get to eat or drink anything from 10:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day, and then my only meal after that was half an apple and a plate of plain cereal with milk around 6). I brought some snacks from home so I had a protein bar for dinner but... Well. I am waiting eagerly for breakfast!

Baby Isaac weighted 2.950 kg and measured 52 cms long. He was born at 39 weeks exactly. Elías was born at 39 weeks and 3 days, weighted 3.560 kg and measured 50 cms. So I have a skinnier baby this time! My milk hasn't fully come in but I'm definitely producing, Isaac only had one ounce of formula before I came out of recovery, and has since been latching like a super champ and breastfeeding on demand (around every 3-4 hours). Between all the personnel checking on us and the feeds and the diaper changes (which have fallen entirely on Cookie this time) I had about 5 hours of broken sleep last night. I'm still pretty tired, but it's daytime, and I always feel happy when the day comes.

Eli spent the morning with my parents yesterday, then left around 1:30 to spend the afternoon with my mother in law. He went to sister in law's place and all the cousins had what looks like a great time! Then he went back to my parents house to spend the night and it looks like he didn't wake all night long and still sleeping! So... Yay! I miss him a lot.

Cookie has been the sweetest with the baby and has been taking care of me. I have felt kind of sad at being this impaired/disgusting (all my womanly glory right now is very bloody and awkward). But its so awesome to see him be a dad of a newborn again, without all the fear we had the first time around.

Breakfast is here! I am thankful for so much right now, our family, our friends, our healthy baby and my recovery. I actually cried when I saw baby Isaac for the first time! Such a difference from the emotional  distance and clumsiness I felt with Eli's emergency c-section. I hope PPD and PPA give me a break this time around.

Welcome home, little one. Mommy loves you so much.