Birth story

Baby Isaac was born on Thursday 10th, in a pretty warm August day, at 9 am exactly. After a last day of errands and getting checked at the doctor's, we went to bed really late on Wednesday. At midnight we were still chatting in bed and trying to convince Peanut to go to sleep. He kept putting his little hand on his chest and saying "big brother". He also had quite a meltdown earlier, probably because he picked up on all my stress. We slept very little - Cookie probably about three hours, me maybe 5. Then we got up, got ready, and were out of the house by 6:20. We dropped Peanut with my parents -he was awake and cried when we left, clearly upset. It was so hard for me to leave.

We seldom talked about it but it was like the pink elephant in the room: Cookie and I were terrified that something might go wrong and that I could die. I was also terrified that something might happen to the baby and we might return home empty handed. Just. It's a difficult day, where we face our mortality really closely. So saying goodbye to Peanut was very hard, thinking... It could be the last time. I am so dramatic about this. But I know it's also a deep fear for Cookie.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:35, filled the entrance paperwork, got into our room. Turns out it was the same room I was with Elías! Room 202, the one in the corner. It was kind of cool, to be here again. I changed into a robe and around 7:15 they had me prepared and rolled me into the waiting surgery room. I met the anesthesiologist, Dr. Ramos, and the pediatrician on call, Dr. Andrade. The ped was kind of really brisk and not particularly warm, so I'm glad he wasn't on call when I had Peanut. This time around I'm a bit more comfortable and less afraid, so... I'm just doing what I know. Dr. Ramos was really kind. He gave me the epidural around 8:05, and I barely felt a thing. He stayed by my side the whole surgery and would give me the play by play of everything that was happening or would happen. He also let Cookie in when the cutting had started and took care of him when he was almost passing out. Poor Cookie. He didn't get to cut the cord this time, he almost fainted when they were cleaning the baby, says seeing the head come out of the open cavity was too much like they pulling an organ out of me. He recovered and we got to the pictures in the OR, though! Cookie left with the ped, and Dr. Ramos stayed with me, chatting me up and giving me druuugs. I found out then he is my Obg's husband, which was funny I didn't know before! She did a wonderful job and by 10:30 I was in the recovery room. It took me longer this time to recover, about an hour and a half, so I came into our room around noon. Cookie was pretty worried by then, since with Peanut I took about an hour less to be back.

I was in quite some pain and I still feel very sore. The afterbirth pains are probably the worst, though I have also been coughing a bit and it's THE WORST. I got up and walked a tiny bit yesterday evening, and I'm still pretty famished (I didn't get to eat or drink anything from 10:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day, and then my only meal after that was half an apple and a plate of plain cereal with milk around 6). I brought some snacks from home so I had a protein bar for dinner but... Well. I am waiting eagerly for breakfast!

Baby Isaac weighted 2.950 kg and measured 52 cms long. He was born at 39 weeks exactly. Elías was born at 39 weeks and 3 days, weighted 3.560 kg and measured 50 cms. So I have a skinnier baby this time! My milk hasn't fully come in but I'm definitely producing, Isaac only had one ounce of formula before I came out of recovery, and has since been latching like a super champ and breastfeeding on demand (around every 3-4 hours). Between all the personnel checking on us and the feeds and the diaper changes (which have fallen entirely on Cookie this time) I had about 5 hours of broken sleep last night. I'm still pretty tired, but it's daytime, and I always feel happy when the day comes.

Eli spent the morning with my parents yesterday, then left around 1:30 to spend the afternoon with my mother in law. He went to sister in law's place and all the cousins had what looks like a great time! Then he went back to my parents house to spend the night and it looks like he didn't wake all night long and still sleeping! So... Yay! I miss him a lot.

Cookie has been the sweetest with the baby and has been taking care of me. I have felt kind of sad at being this impaired/disgusting (all my womanly glory right now is very bloody and awkward). But its so awesome to see him be a dad of a newborn again, without all the fear we had the first time around.

Breakfast is here! I am thankful for so much right now, our family, our friends, our healthy baby and my recovery. I actually cried when I saw baby Isaac for the first time! Such a difference from the emotional  distance and clumsiness I felt with Eli's emergency c-section. I hope PPD and PPA give me a break this time around.

Welcome home, little one. Mommy loves you so much.

All my ducks in a row

38 weeks and two days today! I had a visit with the doctor yesterday, and ended with a date for a c-section. So August 10th, that's our date with baby Oz! Can't wait to meet him!! Sadly, the pelvic exam showed no cervix maturation at all, it's still really high and long. Baby hasn't descended yet, even though he is in position, just... No progress. I have been having contractions on and off since Tuesday, walking a lot, been on hands and knees.. Done what I could to help him descend. But nothing yet. It's very unlikely that he will be born naturally before the c-section date, but it could still happen, I guess. I feel some what disappointed, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid of the c-section, but I know I can do this.

Baby Oz is measuring a week behind on his measurements, but seems to weight about 3.100 kg. So not that small! Amniotic liquid is still fine, and the placenta looks pretty mature and calcified. So... He is just about ready! I will be 39 weeks on Thursday, so. I think we are ready for showtime.

I haven't felt that great this week, between the heat and the awful swelling. My hands and feet hurt a lot, and I feel like someone kicked my public bone, just.. Sore all over. Plus the contractions, even if they aren't exactly painful, it's like mild cramps and lots of tightness. But I managed to get all my work done! I finished updating the plans for the vineyard restaurant and looks like I'll get that part of the job paid next week (just sent my invoice!). The house I designed with my friend P is done, we will meet the clients for the (hopefully) last time on Monday. I hope we get that finalized and paid, so that will only leave my brother left to pay. That makes me feel a bit less stressed! Work will be slow for a while and that is fine with me.

Cookie is right smack in the middle of his seasonal depression, though I know he is making an effort to be calm and cool at home, it's definitely making his life hard at work and just making him feel low and short tempered. But he knows what he is feeling and that it has nothing to do with anything other than his hormonal cycles, and I know it's not related to us or the baby or anything else, so hopefully we can navigate this without too much pain. He gets worse as August progresses, though, so we are just getting started. I'm gonna be a bit engrossed with the baby and Peanut, but I hope I remember he needs emotional support too. And that the circumstances pull him out of it a bit too!

So despite all my attempts... I didn't get much time to rest or get my house in order. But I managed some! I might still have time to sort my desk, even. Sadly, the thing that was completely relegated was my thesis. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it or finish it. I really hope I can have some progress on it by December, but who knows. I hope, as life changes again and everything falls back into a new place, I'll find time to close that chapter of my life. I think, if it's all harder than I think, next year when Peanut starts kindergarten, I'll have a chance to finish it. A year is a long time to go! But I would rather enjoy my babies than anything else.

I'm so excited! And scared! I hope it all go es well!

37 weeks

Time is going by so fast these last weeks! So much work left to do, and preparations, I am a bit of a worried mess. I had been feeling pretty good until the heat returned this week. My feet hurt so bad every time I stand up, and I have officially gained more weight than with Peanut's whole pregnancy. I'm 17.5 kg over my starting weight, which was 59 kg. With Eli I gained 17 kg total and started at 58, and he was born st 39 weeks and 1 day. So. I will most likely reach 19 kg by the end of this pregnancy :S I think a big part of that is water weight, my legs look like overstuffed sausages, no ankles left! It looks a bit scary by the end of the day, to be honest.

On the work front: vineyard restaurant on hold because they haven't paid the last advance. The house I'm working at with P is nearing the end of the project, next week we can turn it in, I think. Still not getting paid anywhere. My brother asked me for some time, and the new consultation I started this month for a construction company pays per client, but at the end of each process. So. Though I have seen six clients this month, I probably won't be finishing their process until October or so.

I did end up going shopping despite my attempts to curb my spending and its... Infuriating. I need better self control. I bought a toy for when baby Isaac meets Elías (that, or his Christmas gift, I might just pack it away), Christmas presents for one of my nephews (clothes), a birthday present for one of my nephews that turns 3 tomorrow (a lunchbox), lanolin for breastfeeding and a post partum belly lotion. Uhm, also some breastfeeding underwear and a blush, clearance winter pants and some clothes for both the kids, and two t-shirts for Cookie that I am super pissed about because I laundered them yesterday and they shrunk to the point where even I can't wear them. Wtf? So... Clearly I bought too much stuff. Even if it's things we'll use (and some we really needed), I'm annoyed at myself.

The whole Christmas shopping in July is maybe extreme, but I try to buy things on sale for my nephews and nieces because there are so many now! It looks like we will make a gift exchange this year, to reduce the amount of stuff they get, so I should be good for it now!

I took my car for a thorough cleaning today and will pick it up in a few, and then I'll install the baby seat. That's another thing off my list! I have my hospital bag ready, and next week will have people over to clean our furniture. On Friday I will head for an exam with the doctor and we'll check my cervix to see where we are. I am still hoping for a VBAC. Baby Oz weights 2.6 kg now, so he's smaller than Peanut was. I hope we can do it! The waiting is almost over!

Cast iron skillet and the quest to reduce waste

I am still very much pregnant (35 weeks!) and the heat is still pretty awful, though rain has finally started! Quite late for the season, but yay for rain! The downside is that downcast days always make my blood pressure drop so I have been feeling much sluggier. I had a couple of great weeks, after the doctor  sent me extra iron. Apparently I was borderline anemic for quite a while!

A couple months ago I saw an 8" cast iron skillet at the grocery store. They aren't common and I had been curious for a long time, so I bought one. The thing is, I have an on and off affair with cooking, sometimes I don't really have time for long seasons to cook proper, time consuming meals, or to experiment. But then I do, or something spurs my excitement again, and it's so much fun! And so much more budget conscious! So today I decided to try and season my skillet, which got me really excited, and I am cooking my first steak in it right now! I am already seeing how I'm gonna get all THIS IS MY NEW THING over it. It all started with being excited to cook again, but it quickly tied to how long lasting these things are. I heard this guy say, "if you are lucky to have inherited a skillet from your grandma..." and it totally blew my mind. I would love to have had inherited a skillet from my grandma! That's so awesome! I have been married for only four years and I have already given away my most used Teflon pan and another one is really ugly and burned. It never occurred to me that this one was made to last generations.

I'm currently attempting to lower our waste output as much as possible. I had gotten really lazy about the compost, was buying mini boxed juices for Peanut and feeling bad about the straws and the sugar and all around just... Feeling like I wasn't making enough of an effort. So I am trying! Cold composting our kitchen vegetable scraps, using less plastic and buying things with the least amount possible of packaging. It means making a lot of decisions while shopping! I am also trying to be more frugal, which is NOT an easy thing for me. I shop to entertain myself, to relieve stress, when I'm sad, when I'm happy.. Just. Gahhh. But I'm trying to have a more minimal lifestyle. Trying! I don't want my boys to learn from mom that we can find solace in things.

I am also struggling financially a lot lately. I finished the construction for my brother last Friday. It took over a month to finish all of the last details, and the electrician abandoned the construction without finishing and after I had fully paid him. So I had to pay out of my pocket for what was unfinished and the stuff he took with him. It wasn't that much but... Well. My brother hasn't paid me a cent since March. I am very strapped right now. Other projects arena still ongoing (the design for the restaurant is near done, and a house I'm doing with my friend P is going well), but no money from those until they are done. I did finish the plans for the house for the project I was waiting on the engineers, but that money has come and gone (it wasn't much to start with, just a bit more than the electrician fiasco actually).

I also found out I was in deep trouble with my taxes about a month ago. My previous accountant screwed me over by lazying around to the point where I had missed documentation since December 2014. My current accountant has been doing magic, turning over all the super overdue paperwork and making magic. So far it seems like I owe about 1/10 of what I had initially calculated, so she must be a warlock. I just found out last night it won't be as much as I had thought, which has me in a better mood than I had been in a while! Specially because I didn't have money to pay the initial amount I had calculated. I told Cookie about the whole shitstorm and he has been very supportive and was going to help me pay it, but looks like I might be able to cover it after all. I inquired and apparently there is nothing I can do about or to my previous accountant. Just, too bad! You got screwed! Better luck next time!

Downsizing on expenses is the best I can do at the moment, specially because I won't have any savings to fall back on while I'm on 'maternity leave'. Part of the joys of being your own boss (and obviously, of being crap at trying to provide some security for yourself). I hope I learn some lessons out of this.

I am focusing on the good and the exciting though. Baby Peanut is fully potty trained and has been since the end of June! Even night potty training is done! He started to take off his diaper one day before sleep and we gave in and put him in underwear. Soon awesome! It was a mostly painless process, I am super proud of him. It was all over in two months! We are still bedsharing (whateverrrrr) but he is showering 4 or 5 days a week. Success!! He got excited about the shower after seeing his older cousins at my in laws' house use it, and now there is barely any drama! Hurray! This is great news because I can't really pick him up from his tub anymore. He is around 13.5 kg and I am so damn big right now, it's just really hard (I do it if he won't agree to the shower, but I would rather let him off the hook and not bath him at all if it comes to that). Baby Oz will be here soon! He weights 2.35 kg and is in position and I will do what I can do help him engage, hopefully I can have my VBAC. But if not, I will be okay. I know a c section recovery, I know I can do this. I can be a good mom. Not everyday, not all day, but I try my best, and these two boys will be the work of my life. I love them too much to fail.

31 weeks and freaking out

This heaaaaat, my God. It's been 40°C all of last week and it looks like all of this wee will be 38°C and up. It's horrible, I don't know what I expected but pregnancy and this heat wave is just awful, I never feel dehydrated, but my pressure drops and I get nauseated. I know now that *that's* how dehydration is looking right now, so I'm drinking quite a lot of Gatorade. I know it's not optimal, but plain water doesn't get my pressure up and electrolytes taste horrible.

Work is EXACTLY the same as it was two weeks ago. Construction still not finished (I hope this is the last week). Still waiting for the engineer to send me the house calculations to finish that project. The vineyard is going very slowly - that one is entirely my fault. I got obsessed with the cleaning and decluttering and didn't work on it very much the past two weeks. My kitchen is looking amazing though! So open! I have done about half of Peanut and Oz's closet, and half the pantry too. My desk and the laundry, though, remain awful.

We had to fix our water pump last week and I had to buy a new washer. Mine broke again for the second time in six months and the repair was half what a refurbished one was, so... Screw it. The new washer is pretty awesome but it's been an expensive couple of weeks.

Potty training had a bit of a curve ball last week, with Peanut having a regression and deciding not tell us when he had to use the potty. But we seem to be back on track and we have had two nights of dry diapers, so perhaps we can transition to NO DIAPERS AT ALL in the next few weeks! That would be pretty cool. I am super proud of Baby Peanut, he has been a champ through all of the training and it hasn't been anywhere as painful as I thought it would be.

I am flirting with getting the Marie Kondo book but I fear I will go crazy with the de clutter given how strong my nesting is going already. But.. It sounds like something that I would love so much!

For the past month or so I have been doing some lactation consultations! All for free, obviously, since I don't have any certifications. I have enjoyed them a lot! So far only with two women, but one of them is a very young single mom and she needs a lot of reassurance, so we keep in touch and talk about her progress and problems a lot. It has been really rewarding helping other moms! And a great reminder that the first eight weeks of a baby are No Joke. I hope baby Oz and I have a smooth breastfeeding start. I hope baby Oz is healthy and all goes well. I am scared. But all that is left to do is wait.

It recently occurred to me that this might be my last pregnancy. I would like to have at least another baby, but... Who knows. I'm scared and hope everything goes well at the birth and that we can add to our family in a couple of years again but who knows if we will be able to. One of our friends is undergoing fertility treatments to try and conceive for the first time. We are crossing our fingers for them. This is such a rocky road... Who knows what's in store for all of us. I hope I can enjoy and connect with baby Oz instead of going through so many months of PPD like with Peanut. Time goes by so fast, I can't believe Peanut is already a toddler.

The state of this anxious mind

I'm starting to feel like there is no more time for anything. The baby will be here in 10 weeks, at most. Work is not finished or close to, so I'm thinking about dropping whatever is left. But then... I am so broke, it's been a couple of expensive months between baby preparations and our trip to the beach. I don't know what to do!

The master and building plans for a house I designed last year are almost done, at least. I am waiting on some info from the client, and from plans from the engineers. But my part is pretty much done, at least. That only leaves my brother's construction  which is.. Going OK but just not ending in time, and the restaurant/vineyard protect. This is the one I'm thinking of dropping. I hope I can ramp up my productivity the next two weeks or so. Whatever is left after that... Well. I guess we'll see. I just wish  could take a break!

I'm debating whether or not to have a baby shower. On the one hand, I don't really need much for this baby. On the other hand.. I feel a bit lousy not celebrating this baby too! If he was a girl I would probably have one, so... I kinda think I should plan something. My mom hates them so I feel awkward bringing it up. My friend P has offered help, so maybe I'll do the tacky thing and throw it myself with her help?

I bought a new car seat for Peanut this week so I can wash and prepare his old one for baby Oz. I also finally sent the designs to the carpenter for Peanut's bed and for baby Oz's side sleeper. I hope we'll get them soon! Other than getting those things, I think we are mostly set. Peanut's potty training is going fantastic. We barely have any accidents, he's wearing underwear all day now and there has been no drama. He just goes! I'm so glad he showed interest around the time we wanted to try and teach him. This should definitely teach me a lesson that it really is not about what I want but about what he is ready and willing to try.

Bedsharing has been uncomfortable lately. Peanut hugs me most of the night or just has to be touching me somehow to sleep calmly. Which is very sweet, but also hot and not easy, specially this pregnant. I don't really want to fight him for this, though. I guess he feels like he needs the extra reassurance, and he'll sleep on his own when he feels he can. His new bed will put his mattress just 10 cms below ours, so I think that will help.

Nesting this time around feels like a lot of cleaning and decluttering and organizing. I am almost done organizing our closet, which I feel has never looked better. I bought pregnancy clothes that fit *me*, instead of using everything borrowed. That has helped my mood! If I never wear them again it's okay. I accept this might just be a one summer wardrobe, but feeling frumpy and wearing big, not-me styles was getting me down. Next on my decluttering list is my desk (ngggghhhh), our laundry room (ngahhhhhhh) and Peanut's closet. Maybe our kitchen, if time allows. It probably won't, given the state of everything else :S

This pregnancy has also been a bit different  in that I am not as hairy! Ha ha, no Chewbacca belly this time around. And the linea nigra is also much fainter. Still no stretch marks *crosses fingers* though so far I have put on 12.8 kg. Yikes.

I asked about the thesis revisions this week. I haven't heard anything from the school or my brother, despite seeing him pretty much everyday and getting his house-related texts a gazillion times a day, that oh yeah, they are bugging him about the finished projects. Like why haven't we turned them in. I got so frustrated!!! I haven't worked on it at all because we had a deadline and THEN we were supposed to get some input. I know I should still be working to finish it, I accept now that I probably won't finish it this year at all, but he could have at some point said "Hey, there is still time and they are expecting you to turn the finished project in the next two months" OR SOMETHING. When I said, well, so be it, I don't have time to finish it now, he was all "oh, you can still do it and send it to me in these next weeks". Hmmhnnmmhnmmm. Yeah no that's a) not a real deadline and b) I am swamped with work and so damn pregnant and I can't really write half a thesis in the "next weeks" however many weeks that might be. 2? 3? 6? Gah. I feel so frustrated and like such a failure. I know I'll get around it. Sometime. Probably next year, when Peanut starts kindergarten so baby Oz can stay with my mom. I don't know what work will look like for a while, with both babies in tow. I can't really leave them both with my mom, so. I assume I will stop working for a while, or at the very least take it very slow.

Things not unlike the first pregnancy? How scared I am for what the future will look like. It's weird, it's like mourning my current identity all over again. I didn't think it would be that different, but... The unknown is always scary. I am so excited for baby Oz though. I can't wait to meet you little one. Mommy loves you so much already.

Leave it up to fate

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and debating whether to change doctors. I'm leaning towards no at this point but I think I need to check some options anyway. My doctor - she delivered Peanut- is not super behind the idea of having a vaginal birth after my last c section.  I know I have a good chance at having a natural birth, so I really want to aim for one. She says I wouldn't be allowed to push on the third stage of labor and instead they would use forceps, which.. :/ I have read the VBAC guidelines and it's not indicated. I don't know.

On the other hand, this baby has turned already, but looks like his head is pretty big too. He might not engage. If he doesn't engage by the 39th week I think I will just go ahead and schedule the c-section as she recommended. I'm not sure of what to do at this point.

I'm feeling really tired most days, sleep isn't great in the third trimester. The heat is also not helping at all, it was awful all of last week. It's been raining a bit this week, so that's something. Baby Peanut sleeps in his bed some nights and some nights he doesn't. Last night he slept in my arms most of the night. It can be exhausting, even though I know this is not forever. He still wakes to ask for milk once at around 3 am. But now he wants to prepare his own bottle and will cry and scream bloody murder if we don't decipher what he wants. We are having a lot more tantrums. They last up to 45 minutes, it's rough. It's very hard to keep my cool sometimes, no matter how much respectful and gentle parenting means to me. He is so big and heavy too! These past few weeks I just can't carry him up in arms for very long. He's a bit over 34 inches tall and a bit over 28 lbs.

Potty training is going okay. I have moved on to putting him in cotton underwear and he has less accidents than with pull ups. He still sleeps in a diaper though. I think he wakes dry some mornings, but not all, and putting him in the toilet first thing in the morning is just not happening right now. He wakes up angry and we usually have a shortish tantrum when he wakes. A diaper a day is pretty great improvement though, so I take it!

He is also showering some days. Not all days, but sometimes he gathers enough courage to go in the shower in the afternoon. So that's good! I had given up for the time being but on Sundays he sees his cousins shower at my in laws' place and it encouraged him to try.

We have mostly settled on Isaac as this new baby's name. He's perfectly on track in weight and growth it seems, about 1.25 kg. I have put on 12.5kg so far :S I am counting calories and trying to be more mindful of what I eat because gahhh I am so swollen, I need to stop gaining so much weight :(

Two and a half months to go. Work hasn't let up and I am not close to finishing anything. Which worries me a bit. Not much time to rest. But I hope I can wrap things up in the next 5-6 weeks. I really need to rest and prepare for baby Ozzy's birth.

On the bright side, I just bought three maternity shirts. It makes me feel good to wear stuff that fits!

23 weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks over here. I hoped to get some rest during Holy Week and Easter, but work hasn't let up at all. My actual for real this time deadline to turn in the final revision of the thesis is next Tuesday. I am not done, and barely any further than I was 4 weeks ago. So I guess there's that.

Work at my  brother's construction site is going well. Quite a few kinks lately but progress continues. He apparently got over his money drama quicker than I could stop worrying about his money drama, and decided he would finish most of what he has planned and if money didn't stretch then he would take money from his home account instead of his savings account and hope for the best. Wuh. If it was necessary he would ask my dad for a loan. The end! Which is... Exactly what I had told him, so he just put me through 5 days of stress a couple of weeks ago for nothing. I did charge him a lower rate than regular clients and we agreed that I would be the last to get paid, but he insisted I charged him because work is work. And boy is it work lately...

Usually no one works during the Holy Days, but my workers decided to work both Thursday and Friday. Turns out, between Thursday evening and Friday morning someone broke in a stole power tools from the construction site. They stole two angle grinders that belonged to the tile installers and my rotary hammer drill. This was an absolute pain in the ass because a) all the workers wanted to blame one another, b) I really am barely breaking even as it is, and don't have money to buy a new one. The drama was long and stressful and annoying. Bottom line, though, the power tools are gone. So. We gotta replace them somehow.

Baby Peanut has been sick for almost two weeks too. First a stomach bug or something, followed by two days of being okay, followed by what looked like a cold but has continued to get worse. Today was the first day the ped could see us, and looks like a sinus infection. Last night it was fever and vomit and he has been coughing for several nights, so... The transition to his bed had a bit of a set back, and I'm sleeping awfully. He has been making some progress towards potty training though! Showing interest and sitting in his potty and peeing there. I'm trying to take it easy and follow his cue. Yesterday he was being an asshole and he tried to sit on one of the dogs and she bit him in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad, just a scrap, and it wasn't an angry or violent bite, more of a back off kind of thing, and I seriously had been after him for exactly the same thing with the other dogs.. But I got distracted and he got hurt. So I have been feeling pretty low and like an awful mom.

Next week Peanut turns two, but I still can't figure out how to have a party that won't be super stressful for me, given how.. Rambunctious his cousins are. I just want a little get together with kids his age, but I can't seem to figure out any way for that to happen without insulting family. At this point I will probably do nothing. I can't figure it out and I don't have much time to plan :S most of next week's morning will be spent at the doctor or getting studies done. Monday is my structural ultrasound and Tuesday I have to take the glucose test and Friday I have a visit with my Obgyn to check the results. Then we - theoretically - leave for a week long trip to the beach with my parents. It will be very nice to be out of town, but the car drive is about 9 hours long and my doctor isn't very happy about the idea. We will do the drive in two days and with plenty of stops, but still... I'm a bit worried. I hope all goes well.

Pregnancy has been mostly okay these weeks, beyond a couple of low pressure episodes. I got meds for it and some advice from the doctor in my  last visit and everything seems to be going well. Baby is moving a lot more and I can definitely feel it. He kicked Cookie last week for the first time, so that was exciting! I started a prenatal "gentle" yoga class last week. I'm loving it but it's also sort of kicking my ass! It's only two classes a week and I had to miss one this week, but it's doing me a lot of good I think. Specially mentally. I've been using that time to try to connect with this baby and its very emotional and sweet. That has been a highlight of my week!

I landed a project to design a restaurant. I am stressed because I don't really do commercial design, mostly just residential stuff. It's a really big project too, and I'm not super good at 3D rendering, so I'm gonna have to work on my skills while I design. I also started a small renovation today that I hope will be done by the middle of next week. So... Work is flowing, which is nice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, which isn't so nice.

I turn 32 next month. I admit there is an undercurrent in my brain that is freaking out. Shouldn't I feel like I have it together yet???

Feeling low

My thesis is due next week and I am nowhere, truly, really, certainly, nowhere near done. I accept that I won't finish it on time, though I wish I could have more done to send to the final revision. I don't know if I'll have time to work on it, though.

Work was going so well. It kind of still is, in that I'm meeting all deadlines with flying colors and things are getting done and looking good. But as it turns out, my brother is running out of money and this somehow took us both by surprise. I don't know if I could have prepared him for it? Help him plan better? But we had a chat on Thursday that almost ended with him in tears and I was being a cold hearted bitch - money is what it is. You either have it or you don't, I can't really stretch it that far. But it made me feel really low, and I think he didn't take my cold approach very well. I now feel like I should have worked more on my thesis than on the construction, given that now that we are running out of money we aren't in a hurry anymore to finish to he can move. Hindsight and all, but it still makes me feel really low.

There's also the matter of charging him for my work. I don't know what to do. Do I? At all? Do I tell him that we can put that on the freezer so he can pay me later? I'm not doing well financially at all, all this working for family is really bad for business. Knowing he's struggling to pay for the renovation is just making me feel awful about charging him. But... It is my only income. I don't know.

Cookie has been sick for over two weeks now. He just finished his course of antibiotics, but he's also running a bad bad allergy that only triggers at night in our room. So. He's slept in the living room the last two nights. In a way I guess that's better for both of us because I was getting awful sleep with him coughing and Peanut waking up, and he's also resting more because he's not coughing all night anymore, but. Yeah. This is not doing us any favors. Him feeling sick means less help with Baby Peanut, and more general crankiness. Which means I'm more tired and more prone to get angry, specially if he's cranky over video games and difficult to be around. I can barely hold it together as it is.

I reached week 20 of this pregnancy, so we're halfway there. I was feeling pretty great until last Thursday, when I went on a crazy cleaning spree trying to vacuum and de-clutter as much as possible to see if that helped with Cookie's allergy. It didn't. And then Friday I felt super crap, ready-to-run-to-the-hospital bad. But it was while I was grocery shopping, so I was alone, and ended up deciding to just try to take I easy instead of alarming my mom. I... I gotta say, I feel pretty lonely lately. Feeling sick and sleep deprivation are hard, but just in general I feel like nothing gets  lined up right. As soon as I get something working I feel like everything else falls apart.

In the end I think it was just more low pressure fun times, combined with being physically exhausted. I felt somewhat better yesterday until nighttime. I have an appointment tomorrow for the 20 week check up, so I'll bring my low pressure up again.

We are transitioning baby Peanut to his own bed. We are still room sharing and I expect we will continue to do so for a couple of years still, unless he asks for his own room. Once the baby is born, I feel like being all in one room would make him feel less displaced. He still wakes once or twice a night to ask for milk or for me to lay down with him, and I start up the night in his bed 3 out of 4 nights. Sometimes I only get two hours of sleep in my bed. But tomorrow will mark two weeks since we started and we haven't had him in our bed a single night, which is something of an achievement. He does cry and asks to sleep in the big bed, but I offer to go down to his instead and it usually works okay. He wakes up crying much less often than when he slept with us, which is also good! We are also introducing him to the shower really slowly. He's afraid of the falling water, so he cries when we shower him instead of bathing him in his baby bath. But he's almost too big for his bath now! It's a bit unwieldy. He'll turn two by the end of this month. I need to figure out a lot in this coming months and get some sort of new routines for him before the new baby is here. I don't want him to feel like his world is falling apart because of his brother :(

I'm planning to toilet train him in May. We will take a road trip to the beach with my parents the first week of May, so once we are back I'm tackling that. I hope it goes smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I'm dreading the heat this summer. I haven't gained as much weight as with Peanut's pregnancy so far, but I'm still retaining a lot of water and my digestion is so slow.. I already feel uncomfortable and have pain in my legs and feet. I'm trying to walk more, which does help, but I haven't been able to really stick to a daily schedule.

These past weeks I bought a package of newborn sized diapers, three size 0 pj's and one 3 months sized pj for the new baby (code named Ozymandias, or Ozzy for short). It's been a slowwww road to confidence. I almost broke down in the diapers aisle when I picked the diapers. What if I was jinxing him? What if something terrible happened? I know it can happen. I know nothing is ever certain. But I bought some tiny footed pj's  just the same. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but for me it was a great leap of faith. Can't wait to meet you, baby Oz.

18 weeks!

Today we are 18 weeks into this pregnancy, and the first Braxton Hicks construction just woke me up. Uhhh.. I don't  remember having them this weakly last time, but I don't really remember when they started.

I feel the baby move very lightly sometimes, which is different from baby Peanut's pregnancy. Then again, he always measured ahead, and this baby is measuring consistently to the day. We saw the doctor last week and to avoid any more "I guess the baby is asleep" moments, I had a bunch of mini chocolates before the appointment. Baby was very active! Everything looked okay, and we got to find out we are having a boy!! Baby Peanut is having a baby brother! I'm so excited!

Since then I think Cookie has connected with the pregnancy a lot the bit more. We had our fourth anniversary last week too, and some time alone, so that might have helped with his disposition too. He's also trying to be calmer around Peanut, all out of his own accord. Last Saturday he got really worked up with Elias because he had a bunch of tantrums while we were downtown (nothing terrible but not fun, his usual I am not getting to do what I want meltdowns) but then on Sunday we went to my in laws place and all of my nephews were hell. Just, so difficult and mean to each other and exhausting to be around, and Peanut was.. Peanut. Just, his bumbly, almost two year old playful self. And on by he way home he apologized to Peanut for losing it the day before, a said he was gonna try to be calmer because clearly Elias wasn't a brat. We are all a work in progress, I know!

I'm feeling a bit sad and annoyed because my mom said something last Tuesday that got to me. She always calls Peanut her baby, but Tuesday she called him her son in front of her sisters. I said, you know, no, my son. And she said, yeah, that's what you say. And... It makes me feel like I need to figure out a way to not leave Peanut so many hours under her care. I love her and I know she means well, but if she thinks that then s be probably thinks I am abusing her willingness to look after him? I'm struggling right now because I work a few hours in the morning and then I leave for another 3 hours for the thesis class. So yes, that's a lot of hours. I stayed on with Peanut yesterday morning but I couldn't get any work done so that's not a long term solution. I don't know. It makes me angry, to think she doesn't see me as my own boy's mom. But perhaps I'm just angry because it makes me sad that she (or worse, Peanut) might think that.

On the whole thesis subject, I haven't done a THING this week, which is terrible. I only have what is left of this week and three more before the class is over and the thesis has to be turned in. It probably won't be finished but it has to be mostly done or at least done to the bare bones. That... Man. I'm not sure I can do it. It's so much work  and my brother also wants the interiors of his house ready to be painted by the end of the month or the beginning of April. I'm a bit worried at this point.

Still. I'm going to take more time off today and take Peanut to the park and see the ducks. I feel guilty for all the time away I'm spending from him, and some time at the park will be fun, I think. Only one more month and the thesis will take less time from my afternoons, at least.

15 weeks

So here I am! Second trimester, woohooo! I'm feeling much better. No more low pressure kicking my ass, much less nausea (only here and there, when I'm very tired or hungry), no heartburn *dances* not a lot of energy, really, still waiting for that to improve, but I'm definitely feeling better.

Yesterday I went to see the doctor by myself due to a vaginal infection. I know you were dying to know that. Anyway, as I was there, and the doctor asked if I had recently changed soap brands, I remembered that yes, I had, and also, this had happened with Baby Peanut's pregnancy too. I got a prescription soap (again) and some treatment. I am hoping it improves. I got to briefly see the baby. It wasn't moving at all so I freaked out, but the heartbeat was strong. I guess he or she was sleeping? Doctor said not to worry. But of course I'm worrying. I go back in two weeks to get proper measurements of growth, so... I hope everything looks okay then.

This is also my second week of the thesis seminar I'm taking. I went to the graduation ceremony on February 10th, and all that is left is WRITING THIS THESIS HELL YEAH. the seminar is 7 weeks long, so 5 to go. I.. Could be making faster progress I admit. But I am still on track with our assignments, so that's good! The seminar is really exhausting, though. I take it Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 4 to 6, but the traffic both ways is pretty bad, so it's an hour of very defensive driving that is almost as taxing as the class. My brother is teaching the class, which was news to both of us until the first day! It's a bit weird and maybe even uncomfortable for him? Not sure. But he's a good teacher and I am glad I'm with him and not someone else who's just half assing the seminar. I usually end up fast asleep before 9, though :S poor Cookie is not enjoying this time of our lives :(

Last week I also picked up Ahri, the dog I had rescued back in September. The owners no longer could care for her due to moving to a rental house with a no pets policy, though to be honest I think they just wanted to get rid of her. I don't think they enjoyed the responsibility and just found a good excuse to return her. It's been... A bit stressful at times, because Odin and Ahri are constantly fighting and trying to mount each other, but slowly things seem to be calming down. It's an improvement anyway of the situation we were in last time she lived with us, when I had to take Odin to my parents' place for two months because they couldn't be together. Odin was so obsessed with mounting her that he lost weight and had a doggie penis emergency. It was.. Not sustainable. This time around is more manageable. They have even slept inside several nights. In theory we will put her up for adoption again.

I kind of don't want to put the poor dog through it, so even though three dogs are too may dogs in our home, I think if we can coexist in peace I'll just let it be. She deserves a good home, and love, and I can't stand the idea of her getting rejected again. It's impossible to expect her to behave and be calm if her world keeps getting turned  around. Cookie tells me, no matter what, she's better off than in the streets, and he's right, but we'll see. Gotta mend our broken hearts (mostly mine, she doesn't seem to give a shit about not seeing her adopters anymore).

Baby Peanut is doing well! We have a few more words (ma= more and abo=heart (which makes no sense, but whatever, it is what it is)). He has some very willful, difficult days sometimes. I think he's also getting adjusted at my new school schedule, since he was used to having me around for the afternoon. He loves to help me cook and help his grandpa water the plants. Adores his dogs and watching YouTube, mostly children's songs but also Journey's Separate Ways, which he has loved since he was a little baby. He likes OK Go's videos, and Heartstone weekly highlights (Yeah, the game. We guess because he sees dad play it?). Sometimes when I'm driving and a song he likes comes on in the radio, he starts clapping to the rhythm in his chair, which is pretty funny. When I try to tell him about a baby in mommy's tummy, he either ignores me or tells me it's "abaubau" (a dog). I guess.. Uh.. I guess that's better than ignoring it? He does like dogs, so...

I'm also having some really vivid dreams. I forgot hormones did a number on that too. Nightmares have been super scary. Dreams very convoluted. Last night, though, I dreamed I had given birth to this baby. It had been a natural birth, it was a girl, she had been born at 38 1/2 weeks, and had weighted 3.250 kg. A very precise dream! I'm writing it down  in case it comes true :P oh, and my mom was VERY INSISTENT we called her Georgette. LOL, what the...? We'll see, I guess.

GEORGETTE IS DEFINITELY NOT ON THE TABLE THOUGH.

Week 12

Here we are approaching the end of the first trimester! This pregnancy is going by so fast, despite how much more laid back I'm being than with the first. I have had very little work this past month -not to speak, besides, of the work I let slide and go away because I wasn't feeling well and didn't care about it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because holy molly, do we have things to pay for this month- so I have mostly hung out at my parents place, taken naps, felt sick and nauseous, played with Elias and be moody.

Hormones are a difficult, difficult thing. I am still not out of the woods with the nausea and reflux, and if past experience is any indicator, reflux is here to stay for the next 6 months, and I'm cranky and moody and sad for no reason, or, maybe not for no reason, but feeling sick for two straight months hasn't done much good for my disposition. Poor Cookie has been dealing as he can. I have felt better these past few days, at least health-wise, so I hope my mood improves too! I am feeling the nesting, too. Nghhh. Want to.. build furniture... paint rooms.. fix house...

We saw the doctor last Friday. The baby is looking good! It moved and waved a bit, was measuring a day behind, though at this point it was hard to measure the size by either the vaginal or external ultrasound. Next month we'll probably find if it's a boy or a girl. I'm still nervous and will probably will continue to feel nervous all the way to the 20 week anomaly scan. And then after that, I'm sure I'll feel nervous until we hit viability, and then all the way until the baby is born, anxiously counting kicks and terrified of something happening. Buttttt. Despite my absolute neurosis, I gotta say I think I'm much calmer this time around! IMAGINE WHAT A WRECK I WAS LAST TIME. But we're nearing the end of the first trimester, so miscarriage is less and less likely with every week. I know, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about the worst that can happen all the time. I know this state of anxiety will lead me to PPD and PPA again. I don't think I can control it, though. I have had several talks with my SIL, the one who went through hell to bring her daughter to term after 5(6?) miscarries, and she keeps telling me I have no reason to believe something will go wrong. That I have to relax. No warning signs. All is well. RELAX. And I feel like, how can I let go? How do you let go?

I think I should probably try yoga this time around. Last time I was being super tight with money because everyone talked about how expensive babies are and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, and financial security has always been this huge thing for me, the room it gives you to breathe, that I decided no to spend money on yoga classes. But... PPD and PPA were hell. And I've read that you are more likely to have them if you already had them once, AND that having anxiety during pregnancy is also a big factor for PPA. Perhaps some centering and exercise can help?

Things that are different this time around:
-I'm not so concerned about money. Yes, babies come with their share of expenses. But last time I had nothing and clothes and baby stuff made it's way to me through friends and family, I know what we need and what we don't, we have all our cloth diapers, I know I can exclusively breastfeed barring any health complications. And newborns are tiny. They don't need a lot, not really. And the rest of the stuff, you have time to figure it out when they are born and they grow and actually need stuff.

-I have actually lost weight this month. Gahhhh. The nausea has been incapacitating some days, thankfully just a handful, but in any case I can't stomach a lot of foods so this month I actually lost a kilo instead of putting any weight. I started at 58 (I think? 59 maybe?) and was at 63 after the holidays (stuffing my face during the holidays is a tradition!! I was not giving that up!) and this past Friday I was down to 62 kg. The doctor says she doesn't think I'll put as much weight this time around since I have to be after Baby Peanut, so I'm more active. She might have a point!

-My blood pressure has always been kind of low, but these days it doesn't take much to lower it to the point where I feel dizzy and out of breath and my heart rate skyrockets. I don't remember this from the last time around.

-I'm already showing a little bit! Kind of saw that coming given that it's my second pregnancy and that Baby Peanut's pregnancy gave me diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles kind of tore appart and you could fit three fingers between them, like.. I can't explain it. It's weird and it was super painful while I was pregnant.) I have already been told I will need surgery to repair the muscles at some point. I think I looked almost normal by 6-8 months postpartum, so I think my muscles kind of recovered? but anyway, I have a small belly at 12 weeks. It's cute! I'm enjoying it!

-Oh, not new, probably, but last time I had no way of knowing if I was crazy (my doctor would say yes, definitely crazy) or I could actually feel the baby moving at 11 weeks or so. I can now say I have never felt those tiny popcorn popping taps but when pregnant. I felt them at 10w3d this time around. I know, too early. Can't be that. Must be gas. I am pretty sure I know how gas feels at this point, though (awful, it's hell, gahhhh) and those? Not gas. I don't feel them all the time or every day, just sometimes when I'm laying down. Tap tap tap. Tap. It's very awesome.

Baby Peanut still doesn't seem to get anything when I try to tell him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he is the best baby in the universe. It's been a difficult month of tantrums and separation anxiety with me, he's more and more willful every day, but.. I think it's also developmentally normal. His dad gets so exasperated because he doesn't seem to be listening most of the time, and looks like he is ignoring us when we tell him something. Specially if he's looking at something at the TV *eyerolls* I WONDER WHOM HE RESEMBLES. I told him this morning that Baby Peanut is just operating at a different speed from us, and that he has to make sure he has his attention, and then.. wait. And wait some more. And yes, sometimes he's ignoring us because what we want doesn't align with what he wants, so.. it's easier to ignore us. But I think that's just a maturity thing, a mechanism. I can repeat myself and help him do what I need him to do, and sometimes it makes him cry, but... I think in time he will understand? And I know everyone, not just kids, functions at different speeds. It's just a personality thing. I get exasperated with Cookie ALL THE TIME because he takes forever to do things I ask him to, and sometimes waits long enough that he forgets to do them entirely. He got a bit offended with me when I said that, ooops. But... maybe he'll think about that and be a bit more patient with the baby.

I suppose I should get back to work. I'm currently making 3D visualizations of my brother's fixer upper. It's not very interesting work, and I'm kind of DONE working with family, but we're just getting started to work on his new house. So. I'll be there for the next 3-4 months, I think. I've been at my SIL's house for the past 3 months. And before that, 5 months at my BIL's house. I reaaaally don't like mixing family and work. SIL's house has been... not the best of experiences. But I'll be over soon. They are happy with the work that was done, so that's good. I need to finish my brother's visualizations so I can start working on a design for a house. Cookie and I are going to attempt to build and sell a house. We already have a property! We are finalizing the paperwork, but it's ours. I am unsure we can make this work financially, so I have to be super diligent with both design and budgeting, and then a hawk at construction. But... even if I realize it won't work when I budget it, at least the money is no longer at the bank. Our economy is not very reassuring right now. I know we have a couple of difficult years ahead of us, between Trump's foreign policies and our own upcoming elections. So I hope... I don't know. I hope everything turns out right. It's a scary time to be bringing a new life to the world.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

My stomach hurts and I feel an awful void when it's 8:20 am and I haven't eaten yet.  I try to take it slow.  Half a banana,  maybe some berries,  an apple.  Something to calm down my stomach while I make breakfast.  It barely lasts.

I make breakfast and I inhale it,  wolfing down eggs and bread,  tortillas and beans,  bacon or tamales,  whatever scratches my itch that morning.  I try not to eat too much,  but I am SO HUNGRY.

Then I start to feel queasy.  Not the nausea of an empty stomach anymore,  but the "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that"  feeling.  My stomach hurts,  reflux starts to flare.  I begin to bloat.  By the end of the day  I look four months pregnant despite not showing at all in the morning.  By noon I have that empty feeling again,  and the cycle starts over,  but I feel worse and worse as the day progresses.

I go to bed.  Wake up with reflux and nausea a bunch of times,  until in the middle of the night I wake up once feeling okay.  I feel relieved.  Maybe today will be easier on my stomach...

And then it starts all over again.

The first trimester is a tough bitch.

Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.

Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

Fortune on my side

*Crosses fingers*

December has been kind to me!  I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago,  saying my fees had been approved,  so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job,  I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!

I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work,  no shortcuts,  on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA.  Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well,  I hadn't bothered before- aaaand...  I had failed that class.  Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam,  and I knew I had done well.  Except...

I never saw the "next page"  button at the start of the exam.  So.  I answered only one third of the questions.

Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it,  except cry and take the class again next year.  I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything,  but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam,  instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform.  I am so thankful!!!  That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out.  I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief,  it was the stupidest of mistakes.

I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant!  I'm currently 7 weeks along,  so it's still very early,  but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day,  so...  Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test,  and everything  looked okay.  Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat,  so I'm hoping all goes well.

Cookie was rather surprised,  since he  thought we were safe.  I thought we were trying for a baby,  so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not  super excited at first,  but he's gotten around the idea and  think he's happy.  Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy,  more than usual,  and I'm really tired these days,  but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.

Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach.  I am not showing at all!!  Ugh,  it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public,  I did tell my family,  but..  I don't know.  I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now.  But here I am!  With the blog! But still..  Also:  the nausea,  the swelling (why so soon??),  the low blood pressure and the reflux.  I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around,  though I am also a lot more positive right now.  I am cautious,  but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can,  since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.

I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune!  Have a great new year,  everyone!

The end of the MBA!

I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished!  Last week I turned in the last final projects,  and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA!  All that is left is doing the English accreditation,  which  I should have done forever ago but I haven't,  and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis,  which is my current dilemma,  but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!

 I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother,  who helped me get through this.  It never felt like it was ever the right time,  I never had enough time or enthusiasm,  was never fully in an academic mode.  I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation,  but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best,  but it wasn't just hard,  it was a sacrifice.  I had never felt like that before.  It probably sounds super dramatic,  but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders,  that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.

The dilemma right now is,  there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class,  based on our final project,  to turn that into the thesis.  It sounds like a good idea,  except the class was awful,  the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I...  I really want to finish,  but I don't know if I want that.  I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid,  so I'm worried about taking the "high road"  and just not finishing.

I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture,  mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine.  There used to be one,  but it moved to a much smaller city in the state,  and we wonder why.  In any case,  glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.

Work is okay.  November was insane,  since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands.  She's now fine,  thank God, but it made everything  really hard and packed.

I continue to struggle financially.  Nothing new there,  though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment.  For no particular reason,  really!  I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having  the financial security my parents have.  And he made me realize that's dumb. One,  because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs,  no matter how gradually.  And two,  because we are not in a void.  My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build,  and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever.  They helped each other every day of their lives,  and they he'll their brothers and sisters,  and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days.  And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that,  so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed.  Because it's never as hard as we think.

I also found a new home for Ahri,  he dog I rescued!  Right on Thanksgiving,  too!  She  was adopted by three roommates,  they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways.  I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!

Baby Peanut is a delight,  though he has been sick this past month.  Nothing serious,  but he hasnt been feeling great,  the poor thing.  He is loving Christmas this year,  all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations,  the stores...  He is so gleeful!  I'm loving this time of year with him.

Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby.  It's mostly just not preventing at this point,  since it's hard to keep a much more active love life.  Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have.  But we'll see!  Maybe!  I'm excited!  I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35,  we should probably get on the program.  And he said yeah,  we probably should,  and then just stopped preventing.  And here we are!  I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky,  so we'll see.  I'll keep you posted!