Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.