5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

Leave it up to fate

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and debating whether to change doctors. I'm leaning towards no at this point but I think I need to check some options anyway. My doctor - she delivered Peanut- is not super behind the idea of having a vaginal birth after my last c section.  I know I have a good chance at having a natural birth, so I really want to aim for one. She says I wouldn't be allowed to push on the third stage of labor and instead they would use forceps, which.. :/ I have read the VBAC guidelines and it's not indicated. I don't know.

On the other hand, this baby has turned already, but looks like his head is pretty big too. He might not engage. If he doesn't engage by the 39th week I think I will just go ahead and schedule the c-section as she recommended. I'm not sure of what to do at this point.

I'm feeling really tired most days, sleep isn't great in the third trimester. The heat is also not helping at all, it was awful all of last week. It's been raining a bit this week, so that's something. Baby Peanut sleeps in his bed some nights and some nights he doesn't. Last night he slept in my arms most of the night. It can be exhausting, even though I know this is not forever. He still wakes to ask for milk once at around 3 am. But now he wants to prepare his own bottle and will cry and scream bloody murder if we don't decipher what he wants. We are having a lot more tantrums. They last up to 45 minutes, it's rough. It's very hard to keep my cool sometimes, no matter how much respectful and gentle parenting means to me. He is so big and heavy too! These past few weeks I just can't carry him up in arms for very long. He's a bit over 34 inches tall and a bit over 28 lbs.

Potty training is going okay. I have moved on to putting him in cotton underwear and he has less accidents than with pull ups. He still sleeps in a diaper though. I think he wakes dry some mornings, but not all, and putting him in the toilet first thing in the morning is just not happening right now. He wakes up angry and we usually have a shortish tantrum when he wakes. A diaper a day is pretty great improvement though, so I take it!

He is also showering some days. Not all days, but sometimes he gathers enough courage to go in the shower in the afternoon. So that's good! I had given up for the time being but on Sundays he sees his cousins shower at my in laws' place and it encouraged him to try.

We have mostly settled on Isaac as this new baby's name. He's perfectly on track in weight and growth it seems, about 1.25 kg. I have put on 12.5kg so far :S I am counting calories and trying to be more mindful of what I eat because gahhh I am so swollen, I need to stop gaining so much weight :(

Two and a half months to go. Work hasn't let up and I am not close to finishing anything. Which worries me a bit. Not much time to rest. But I hope I can wrap things up in the next 5-6 weeks. I really need to rest and prepare for baby Ozzy's birth.

On the bright side, I just bought three maternity shirts. It makes me feel good to wear stuff that fits!

26 weeks

So we are in the last week of the second trimester. I am so not ready to enter the final stretch! So much work left to do, I have done very little baby prep... Gahhh.

We began with potty training this week. At this rate I feel like it might be the only thing I accomplish before the baby is due, since Eli is back to sleeping in our bed. We went to the beach for a week and he slept with us, so coming back home and trying to get him in is bed again was like starting from zero. And I'm tired. I don't sleep very well on his single bed, it was a 10 hour drive in each direction, just... No. So we're back to bed sharing. I also gave up on getting him to take showers instead of using his baby bath. He cried a lot, obviously it was very upsetting and really the bath is not that big a deal. He'll outgrow it eventually.

Today Cookie is taking Peanut to their first baby music class. I took him to the trial class and he seemed to like it, so I HOPE they'll have a good time. It's the first time Cookie takes the baby to do something on their own. In two years. So... Yeah! I am currently enjoying the quiet house, though I have to leave for the construction in a bit.

 The trip to the beach went well. The drive there was very long, but Peanut was a champ through all of it. He was afraid of the sea and didn't like the texture of sand, and took quite a while to warm up to the pool... But we went to an aquarium and he had fun, I think, just in general. I enjoyed myself too, and I think it gave Cookie time to see Eli in better situations than their usual 7-10 pm stretch. We had a photo session with a "professional" photographer at the hotel. He wasn't very good, really, but some of the pictures were nice and I'm just glad to have nice pics of this pregnancy and the beach and all. Peanut looked adorable in all of them :) I'm off to work,  but just look at him! He is my love beyond all love.

23 weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks over here. I hoped to get some rest during Holy Week and Easter, but work hasn't let up at all. My actual for real this time deadline to turn in the final revision of the thesis is next Tuesday. I am not done, and barely any further than I was 4 weeks ago. So I guess there's that.

Work at my  brother's construction site is going well. Quite a few kinks lately but progress continues. He apparently got over his money drama quicker than I could stop worrying about his money drama, and decided he would finish most of what he has planned and if money didn't stretch then he would take money from his home account instead of his savings account and hope for the best. Wuh. If it was necessary he would ask my dad for a loan. The end! Which is... Exactly what I had told him, so he just put me through 5 days of stress a couple of weeks ago for nothing. I did charge him a lower rate than regular clients and we agreed that I would be the last to get paid, but he insisted I charged him because work is work. And boy is it work lately...

Usually no one works during the Holy Days, but my workers decided to work both Thursday and Friday. Turns out, between Thursday evening and Friday morning someone broke in a stole power tools from the construction site. They stole two angle grinders that belonged to the tile installers and my rotary hammer drill. This was an absolute pain in the ass because a) all the workers wanted to blame one another, b) I really am barely breaking even as it is, and don't have money to buy a new one. The drama was long and stressful and annoying. Bottom line, though, the power tools are gone. So. We gotta replace them somehow.

Baby Peanut has been sick for almost two weeks too. First a stomach bug or something, followed by two days of being okay, followed by what looked like a cold but has continued to get worse. Today was the first day the ped could see us, and looks like a sinus infection. Last night it was fever and vomit and he has been coughing for several nights, so... The transition to his bed had a bit of a set back, and I'm sleeping awfully. He has been making some progress towards potty training though! Showing interest and sitting in his potty and peeing there. I'm trying to take it easy and follow his cue. Yesterday he was being an asshole and he tried to sit on one of the dogs and she bit him in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad, just a scrap, and it wasn't an angry or violent bite, more of a back off kind of thing, and I seriously had been after him for exactly the same thing with the other dogs.. But I got distracted and he got hurt. So I have been feeling pretty low and like an awful mom.

Next week Peanut turns two, but I still can't figure out how to have a party that won't be super stressful for me, given how.. Rambunctious his cousins are. I just want a little get together with kids his age, but I can't seem to figure out any way for that to happen without insulting family. At this point I will probably do nothing. I can't figure it out and I don't have much time to plan :S most of next week's morning will be spent at the doctor or getting studies done. Monday is my structural ultrasound and Tuesday I have to take the glucose test and Friday I have a visit with my Obgyn to check the results. Then we - theoretically - leave for a week long trip to the beach with my parents. It will be very nice to be out of town, but the car drive is about 9 hours long and my doctor isn't very happy about the idea. We will do the drive in two days and with plenty of stops, but still... I'm a bit worried. I hope all goes well.

Pregnancy has been mostly okay these weeks, beyond a couple of low pressure episodes. I got meds for it and some advice from the doctor in my  last visit and everything seems to be going well. Baby is moving a lot more and I can definitely feel it. He kicked Cookie last week for the first time, so that was exciting! I started a prenatal "gentle" yoga class last week. I'm loving it but it's also sort of kicking my ass! It's only two classes a week and I had to miss one this week, but it's doing me a lot of good I think. Specially mentally. I've been using that time to try to connect with this baby and its very emotional and sweet. That has been a highlight of my week!

I landed a project to design a restaurant. I am stressed because I don't really do commercial design, mostly just residential stuff. It's a really big project too, and I'm not super good at 3D rendering, so I'm gonna have to work on my skills while I design. I also started a small renovation today that I hope will be done by the middle of next week. So... Work is flowing, which is nice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, which isn't so nice.

I turn 32 next month. I admit there is an undercurrent in my brain that is freaking out. Shouldn't I feel like I have it together yet???

Feeling low

My thesis is due next week and I am nowhere, truly, really, certainly, nowhere near done. I accept that I won't finish it on time, though I wish I could have more done to send to the final revision. I don't know if I'll have time to work on it, though.

Work was going so well. It kind of still is, in that I'm meeting all deadlines with flying colors and things are getting done and looking good. But as it turns out, my brother is running out of money and this somehow took us both by surprise. I don't know if I could have prepared him for it? Help him plan better? But we had a chat on Thursday that almost ended with him in tears and I was being a cold hearted bitch - money is what it is. You either have it or you don't, I can't really stretch it that far. But it made me feel really low, and I think he didn't take my cold approach very well. I now feel like I should have worked more on my thesis than on the construction, given that now that we are running out of money we aren't in a hurry anymore to finish to he can move. Hindsight and all, but it still makes me feel really low.

There's also the matter of charging him for my work. I don't know what to do. Do I? At all? Do I tell him that we can put that on the freezer so he can pay me later? I'm not doing well financially at all, all this working for family is really bad for business. Knowing he's struggling to pay for the renovation is just making me feel awful about charging him. But... It is my only income. I don't know.

Cookie has been sick for over two weeks now. He just finished his course of antibiotics, but he's also running a bad bad allergy that only triggers at night in our room. So. He's slept in the living room the last two nights. In a way I guess that's better for both of us because I was getting awful sleep with him coughing and Peanut waking up, and he's also resting more because he's not coughing all night anymore, but. Yeah. This is not doing us any favors. Him feeling sick means less help with Baby Peanut, and more general crankiness. Which means I'm more tired and more prone to get angry, specially if he's cranky over video games and difficult to be around. I can barely hold it together as it is.

I reached week 20 of this pregnancy, so we're halfway there. I was feeling pretty great until last Thursday, when I went on a crazy cleaning spree trying to vacuum and de-clutter as much as possible to see if that helped with Cookie's allergy. It didn't. And then Friday I felt super crap, ready-to-run-to-the-hospital bad. But it was while I was grocery shopping, so I was alone, and ended up deciding to just try to take I easy instead of alarming my mom. I... I gotta say, I feel pretty lonely lately. Feeling sick and sleep deprivation are hard, but just in general I feel like nothing gets  lined up right. As soon as I get something working I feel like everything else falls apart.

In the end I think it was just more low pressure fun times, combined with being physically exhausted. I felt somewhat better yesterday until nighttime. I have an appointment tomorrow for the 20 week check up, so I'll bring my low pressure up again.

We are transitioning baby Peanut to his own bed. We are still room sharing and I expect we will continue to do so for a couple of years still, unless he asks for his own room. Once the baby is born, I feel like being all in one room would make him feel less displaced. He still wakes once or twice a night to ask for milk or for me to lay down with him, and I start up the night in his bed 3 out of 4 nights. Sometimes I only get two hours of sleep in my bed. But tomorrow will mark two weeks since we started and we haven't had him in our bed a single night, which is something of an achievement. He does cry and asks to sleep in the big bed, but I offer to go down to his instead and it usually works okay. He wakes up crying much less often than when he slept with us, which is also good! We are also introducing him to the shower really slowly. He's afraid of the falling water, so he cries when we shower him instead of bathing him in his baby bath. But he's almost too big for his bath now! It's a bit unwieldy. He'll turn two by the end of this month. I need to figure out a lot in this coming months and get some sort of new routines for him before the new baby is here. I don't want him to feel like his world is falling apart because of his brother :(

I'm planning to toilet train him in May. We will take a road trip to the beach with my parents the first week of May, so once we are back I'm tackling that. I hope it goes smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I'm dreading the heat this summer. I haven't gained as much weight as with Peanut's pregnancy so far, but I'm still retaining a lot of water and my digestion is so slow.. I already feel uncomfortable and have pain in my legs and feet. I'm trying to walk more, which does help, but I haven't been able to really stick to a daily schedule.

These past weeks I bought a package of newborn sized diapers, three size 0 pj's and one 3 months sized pj for the new baby (code named Ozymandias, or Ozzy for short). It's been a slowwww road to confidence. I almost broke down in the diapers aisle when I picked the diapers. What if I was jinxing him? What if something terrible happened? I know it can happen. I know nothing is ever certain. But I bought some tiny footed pj's  just the same. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but for me it was a great leap of faith. Can't wait to meet you, baby Oz.

Early mornings

Poor baby Peanut is feeling sick and woke us up around 5:40, moaning in his sleep because of a fever. He had thrown up around midnight while Cookie was out with friends, so I called him and he came home running to help me cope (sick baby and cleaning vomit when I just woke up from a couple hours of sleep was.. Very confusing at the least!). When I tried to take his temp and give him meds he started crying uncontrollably and ended up throwing up again. We cleaned him up and undressed him and gave him meds and they fell asleep, but it was starting to be light outside... And when it starts to dawn, I get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and feel refreshed (even in five hours of broken sleep) and it's hard to fall back asleep. So. I'm just checking the Internet and laying down and listening to my loves sleep. It's  very nice and relaxing! I know this budding headache is gonna get worst and that I really will need to take a nap later, but for now the sun is up and everything will be okay.

Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.

A year and a half

Baby Peanut is so 18 months old!  A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week,  since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).

What's new?  Well,  he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars.  He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall.  He loves to dance.  He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah!  Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night,  though he asks for milk once a night usually.  But his bottle is right there so. . .  Easy peasy.

It hasn't made much of an impact in my life,  the change in sleep.  I thought it would,  but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better.  I am not particularly better rested these days.  I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship,  though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while,  I was crying over everything,  having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal,  though.

I tried St.  John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.

I am feeling very desperate these days,  though,  about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off.  December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that.  I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean.  I have tried,  but every month is something different that is a money black hole.  The robbery,  the dogs,  this month is the car insurance,  next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . .  I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.

The MBA is four weeks from being over.  I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is.  I should be doing homework right now,  instead of writing here,  but I felt like crying.  This week I got an assignment turned back,  the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over,  because it doesn't fit the content of the week.  Except it does,  he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them.  I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back,  because obviously it would make him lose face.  So fuck me instead,   right?  I can do useless homework all day.  The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen.  I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it,  how can any teacher do what he us doing.  Just.  Why bother with any of this.

I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday.  I know what the long term plan is.  But knowing is not helping me get through this.  My day to day feels like such a struggle,  the long term just doesn't carry  much weight right now.

My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose,  and had to have surgery.  Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands,  and it's very clear to  me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried.  But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort.  I just. . .  Can't.  Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass.  But I need to draw a line somewhere.  I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.

Being in debt makes me crazy.  Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it,  not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work,  but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . .  I know plenty of people have it worst than me.  I know this.  I am fine.  I can pay this debt.  I am healthy.  I have a beautiful family.  I have the support of my loved ones.  Please,  God,  just let me stay one step ahead of this madness.  Help me find my peace.  Help me be patient.  Please,  God.

I can't do it all.  Help me figure this out.

End of summer

Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half.  How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day.  Poor dude,  I guess he's tired.  He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after  the burglary.

I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while.  It's weird,  I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place.  So I guess he has been improving!  I don't think I mentioned before,  but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old.  He can now eat cheese!  And yogurt!  And eat cereal with milk,  and pizza,  and cream,  and cake and chocolate and just anything  he sees!  Which means that so do I!!! That was a big,  nice change.  He loves  ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt.  I still try to keep him from eating crap food,  but I don't like forbidding foods,  I feel like it just makes them more attractive.  He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake,  so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.

Sleep is still fractured.  He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way,  so it was hard for a couple of weeks.  But before that,  I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being,  cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all,  so obviously he was making up with night calories.

I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep.  I am sleeping two or three hours between takes,  so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago.  I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed,  unless I spend the night with him on it.  It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week,  but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy.  So I either climb back down with him or pull him into  our bed again.  Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it.  It's not worth the trouble.

Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep.  Or,  I guess it's more accurate to say,  Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out.  Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it.  I don't even mind,  to be honest,  I don't know what the big deal is.

Do I wish he had weaned by now?  Maybe,  yeah.  It would be nice to wear all of my clothes,  regardless of the ease of access to my boobs.  I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep.  But I also love cradling him like a baby,  and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs.  I love his heavy,  sweaty little body.  I am in awe of how fast he's growing,  how big he is,  how smart and human he is.  It's such a short stage,  even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD,  like,  capital HARD  and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know,  an entire human being  is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis,  what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea.  But it's so short.

Almost a year and a half is gone.  When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough?  Am I producing enough milk?  Did he pee and poop enough today?  Is he breathing?  It was so exhausting.  I was worried about his survival all the time.  Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies,  pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess.  It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress.  I do my best to let him be.  He's turning out to be a joy of a little person.  This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man?  I never thought I was capable of so much love,  never knew I was this strong.

Cookie and I are doing much better too.  There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May.  We do what we can, we take care of each other,  we make it through another day.  I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming,  inexplicable,  but also a conscious,  faithful decision.  We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.

Everything changes but stays the same

The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules.  Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep,  since he can climb down from it or up to our bed,  but really,  is not even  that bad.  I like that he can lay on his bed,  get up,  climb down,  play around,  climb back.  I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows,  around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.

Sleep is the same.  He keeps waking every hour and a half.  Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night.  He is sleeping longer naps,  though,  which is good!  From an hour to two and a half,  depending on how hot it is,  where he is sleeping,  noise,  etc.

Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months,  breastfeeding was just about being dependant,  nothing else.  I keep telling myself,  you know,  it's not personal,  it's not about you,  it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her,  but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is.  It's hard to not feel judged.  I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common,  but it's hard to hear things like that,  like I'm doing him some psychological harm.  Or the implicit idea that I'm weak,  because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why,  surely,  he doesn't sleep through the night.

It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night.  I have tried giving him a heavy dinner,  massages,  letting him cry,  singing him to sleep instead of nursing him,  putting him in his pen and walking away,  staying with him,  putting him to bed earlier,  later.  Everything I can think of.  Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just..  Nothing.  And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else,  all other aspects of his life, he's doing great.  He eats great,  he's very social,  loving,  gentle, silly and fun,  he's growing well,  he's healthy and happy...

He doesn't sleep well.  He's still nursing at 14 months,  with no weaning in sight,  no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean,  but haven't managed it). On my calmest days,  I say,  he'll sleep when he sleeps.  He's so big already,  this is what's left of his baby hood.

On my bad days,  I feel defeated,  embarrassed,  tired,  a failure of a mother and wife.  Because yes,  I wish he would sleep.  On his bed.  All night.

But all we have is today,  this reality we live in,  and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it.  I must let it go.  Be here,  present,  today.  Enjoy his baby hands on my breast,  his twinkling eyes,  his heavy little body on my own,  and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom.  One day it will be gone,  and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy.  I don't want to spend it suffering.

I will try to have more good,  patient days,  and let go.

New bed!

Yesterday I bought a matress for Baby Peanut and it arrived today!  I'm attempting to move him tonight.  I'll still be super close as I put the matress beside my side of the bed,  so hopefully the night feeding won't be too difficult.

Baby Peanut is still asking for milk four or five times a night.  I have heard it all at this point: that he doesn't need milk at night,  that my milk isn't good enough anymore,  that his wakings are my fault for not sleep training him/weaning him,  that he'll sleep when he walks/turns one/stops teething...  I really just think he'll sleeps when he sleeps at this point.   I have done at least one more attempt at night weaning him since I last mentioned it here,  and the results were the same: inconsolable crying for 45 minutes  followed by sighs and weeping while he sleeps.  It was in no way restful for him or for me,  and he keeps waking every two or three hours,  so I'm really not interested in seeing if the cycle repeats all night long.

He was excited about the bed and played a lot before bedtime.  He wa happy about being able to climb up and down easily,  and seemed to like the feeling of a semi closed pen. I hope we have a good night!  I really want us to transition without tears.  

Elimination diet, teeth and walking

I managed to get two weeks without caffeine without slips this week,  plus a week without rice,  our new suspect.  The caffeine elimination didn't seem to have much effect,  but the rice elimination might have.  Baby Peanut hasn't had reflux in a while and I think he's sleeping better,  still waking up but more because he wakes when we move than because he's in pain.  Not sure if it's the elimination diet or if it's because he cut his eight tooth last weekend.  It could be either,  really!  This whole parenting thing is so not a science!

He's also beginning to walk unassisted!  Two days ago he did it for my parents first and then for me later,  a half dozen wobbly steps laughing all the way.  I am so proud of him!  He is such a happy dude!  I think he'll be more confident and walking more in the next few days,  so he'll be fully walking for our May vacation!  He'll be a year old in two weeks! So,  so soon.

We just got him his passport today as well. I feel like he's becoming a toddler so fast!  How can it be??  He was a chubby baby just a few months ago.

I'm thinking of getting a fancy watch for Cookie for Baby Peanut's birthday.  I've been thinking about buying it for a while,  but it's very expensive,  but Elias' birthday is also our first parenthood anniversary.  And I think we're doing a good job.  He's a great dad.  We have come a long way!

Work is absolutely crazy right now. So.  Much. Work.  I can't get anything off my plate!  Which is causing me some recurrent anxiety,  but I hope I can get on top of things before our trip.  Last time I was super swamped with work before a trip I got pregnant!  Now I have an almost one year old to wrangle.  I sure can use the vacation,  I'm really looking forward to the time with our family and friends. And no work.  No work at all.

Sleepless adventures

It's been two weeks since I quit caffeine. Coffee and tea joined the list of things I really wish I could have, along with hot dog bread, hamburger bread, pizza, enchiladas, creamy pasta, smoothies, yogurt, and all dairy. Quitting dairy was hard at first, but I am mostly used to it by now, it's just eating out and craving desserts that get tough. Caffeine, on the other hand... at first it wasn't hard to quit, I expected some withdrawal and super sleepiness but I felt fine. But I've been craving it kind of bad on and off since then, and I've had a couple of slips during the Holy Week break.

Anyway, it seems to me that quitting caffeine has had no effect on Baby Peanut's sleep(less) nights. He had one good night last week where he slept four hours (angels singing!) and another night where he slept two 3 hour-long chunks and... that's it. I know it takes a while for my body to get rid of all traces of caffeine and a while for his little body to clean up too, and I know the process has been impeded by the occasional slip, but.. I had hoped to see more improvement than this.

I will do my best to keep at it for at least two full weeks with no slips, and if I see no improvement I'm just going to allow myself to have it again. He had excellent naps during this long weekend and still had terrible nights, so I don't know what else to do. The good news, though, is that he hasn't fall asleep on the breast three nights in a row, he eats until he pushes me away and then just chats and babbles for 10-15 minutes while he drifts of, which is great! I have hope!

Cookie took two weeks off work and had a staycation, which was nice. I still had to work but I tried to take it easier, though I definitely felt frustrated by the lack of productivity. Today is his first day back at work and I'm feeling closer to normal.

I've been battling anxiety for a couple of weeks. I had a bad experience in the decoration project, where a mason worker took the opportunity to go inside the apartment when I was alone and closed the door behind him, and started to chat me up. It raised all the flags in my head and scared the shit out of me, and I ended up literally running after my friend's car. When I mentioned the incident to the client he was concerned, but also made me feel like I had provoked him, asking me if I had previously chatted with the guy. Which I had! As normal people do! what normal people don't do is wait until a woman is alone to go and lock themselves with her. Just.  Ugh.

Our decorative pillows business is selling head rests and bed stands made to order, and we had a run in with a client that ordered a model and a day after we delivered them to her place, she called to say her husband hadn't liked them and they wanted their money back. Which might be a possibility if we were a furniture store, which we aren't. There's a reason they are made to order, so we don't have stock, and because people want pretty specific things when they come to us. Anyway, the husband had a bad vibe around him, like the problem was that she had done the ordering and purchasing while he was away from home or something, along with problems like the bed stand didn't fit through their stairs (it was a regular double bed) and that the landlord didn't want them to remove a window to take it upstairs. She then said she had though it was a pull apart bed stand, which she never mentioned. And that it was too small for their double. I got very suspicious, because these are not small and mattresses have standard sizes, and I think the problem is that they have a queen size and ordered a double. All of which is not my problem! He did seem extremely macho and patronizing and she was super subdued and quiet around him, which is making me dread dealing with them. I don't really want to face him, and I hate having these thoughts about not being "alone". But.. better safe than sorry, I guess.

So.. work is making me a big anxious, specially because I'm behind and there's weird people out there, but everything is going mostly well. Baby Peanut is 11 months today! He's crawling around, cruising around furniture, making signs ("all done" and "dog" this weekend!) and being awesome. He's so bigggg, crazy little man.

10 months!

Baby Peanut is now crawling!  No more army crawling with his face,  but honest to God crawling.  He also cruises around furniture and is fearless standing up,  often trying to walk on his own (and failing quite spectacularly still,  but he tries!) I love hearing his laugh as we run after the dogs or towards his grandma,  or just walking around the house,  laughing because he is so proud of himself.  He has the best laugh.

He weights 10 kilos fully clothed,  so probably more like 9.800. We are up to date with his vaccines and he is chubby but leaner and has a big big head.

Such a big head.  

Sleep is still a crazy endeavor.  He still wakes about every hour and a half/two hours.  I don't know how to improve on that,  though we got through the worst of the growth spurt/sleep regression (hard to call it a regression when he hasn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row since in months)  by going back to his reflux medication.  After all the meds from The Cold From Hell his stomach just wasn't the same.  I'm back on a strict no dairy products diet and he's back on Nexium. I think part of the problem was that he got 5 teeth in a month, so maybe... Sleep might improve?  Someday! 

He has 7 teeth now,  and swollen gums on the top premolars canines.  Gah.  I thought we might have to wean soon when he got all the teeth because he was chaffing my nipples when he sucked,  but things have improved and we're back on track.  I would like to meet my one year goal,  then we'll see how we feel about it.  He loves to breastfeed and shows no signs of self weaning,  but I'm starting to feel more ready to stop...  I don't want to quit cold turkey or anything,  and it wasn't even on my kind for a long time, so lately when I eye my non-breastfeeding friendly clothes I just think to myself that soon he'll be done with this part of his life,  and it's bittersweet.  I will miss this connection a lot.  

Work is really busy right now,  though I'm still struggling financially.  Teaching was my only steady income so I'm fully freelancing right now. Construction on C&D's house is going well,  but I'm not taking any money from there yet.  I am working with an old client on the design for her new home's bathrooms and fixing some issues the house has, but that's only just starting.  Our side business of decorative pillows has been doing really well thanks to Pam's hard work,  so I'm doing what I can to help and keep up.  We're decorating and apartment for rent for a client,  which has been a lot of scavenging for good design for cheap.  I hope we'll be done with that next week.  The MBA program is kicking my ass, finding time to do homework is proving really difficult.  The classes are really off my area of knowledge and the teachers aren't doing much explaining,  which is a problem I have ran into a lot with the online program.  But we're halfway done with this trimester!  I can do it!  I have one mandatory credit left and three optional ones,  so mayyyybe the optional ones can be less ass kicking?  I am just realizing this,  I am almost done with the core classes!

After a lot of working  around hurdles it seems like we might get him baptized this month.  I want to do a little get together but it's a bit daunting.  So much family!  Such unruly nephews! I fear it might be a disaster! But I will be glad to get that done and all the possible drama out of the way (there has been a lot of drama with my in laws about our choice of godparents,  but as it often plays out,  it's mostly passive aggressive drama).   

I welcome March feeling better.  February was better than January,  mood wise if not sleep wise, and I think March is going to be better.  I am hopeful.  I am thankful.  It's all going to be okay. 

About sleep

I've been reading a lot about sleep and "self soothing" given the madness that is our nightlife.  I have natural leaned towards attachment/evolutionary parenting f as a parenting style,  feeling good about the way it fits our family.   I decided to breastfeed,  which led to co-sleeping and then bedsharing,  and my biggest problem has been how other people react when they find out,  not the act itself.  I babywear when possible and try to keep the baby from crying by being responsive.  We did try (and failed spectacularly)  to Ferberize at 5 months,  when I was not sleeping and going crazy.  Now I see that it was too soon to even try (sleep training before six months isn't even recommended,  no matter what my in laws say)  and I have realized that Baby Peanut is probably  not even a candidate for sleep training.

Ask Moxie has excellent posts about tension increasers and decreasers. A tension increaser gets more and more worked up as he cries,  and a decreaser calms down after a good cry.  I have a hard time with even the idea of CIO because I am a tension increaser myself: crying leads to feeling exhausted,  sick,  like the world is an awful place,  blerg.  It doesn't really help me process and feel better,  it's just an explosion of energy and them an awful long period of recovery.  If I have a good cry,  it usually takes me all day and all night to feel back to normal.  Crying is just not my cup of tea.

I think Cookie is also an increaser since he marinades in gloom and doesn't bounce back easily from anger or sadness,  but I am not as sure with him as I am with myself.  He just doesn't cry.  What I do know,  is that he is a terrible sleeper.  He fights sleep all day and all night,  wants to stay up playing,  gets in awful moods because he is tired and eventually he crashes.

So I don't think it's hard to guess that we have a tension increaser baby as well. Knowing that not responding to crying alters a baby's cortisol levels (cortisol being the stress hormone) up to 4 times the normal level,  I can't really justify to myself to let Eli cry in hopes he'll fall asleep alone and that he'll learn to "self soothe",  when I can't at 30 years old.  Some babies don't signal when they wake (so,  no crying)  but some babies do.  When do they *have* to stop signaling when they wake?  Like all things babies,  each baby is different,  and the neurological maturity each has will dictate when he reaches his milestone.

Last week I was talking with my friend Pam,  and she told me her grandma,  a 94 year old,  asked her if her toddler was sleeping through the night.  Her boy is 26 months old,  and she said yes,  of course he was,  and her grandma was surprised because he was very young and kids take a long time to sleep through the night.  So.  I guess,  somewhere between the time she raised her babies and now,  we decided babies had to be "independent sleepers" once they hit 6 months old.

I also found really interesting research about the vagal nerve, that might correlate with the tension increaser and decreaser concepts (I made this correlation myself,  so obviously might be wrong).  Some babies (specially preemies,  but many full term)  are born with an immature vagal system.  The vagal nerve controls the heart,  stomach,  breathing,  sucking and the facial muscles.  It's the nerve that controls our heartbeat when we need to fight or fly,  allowing it to speed up by releasing a "break",  letting us use more resources in time of need.  Immature vagal nerves don't put the break back on when the demanding activity (breastfeeding,  for example,  or crying)  ends,  making the baby feel like the danger,  so to speak,  hasn't passed.  So they are more difficult to calm.  Breastfeeding apparently helps the vagal nerve to mature,  but I think it can probably explain why some babies just don't calm easily after the crying starts, so CIO is just not going to work for them since it's physiologically impossible for them to calm down unaided.
Cookie asked how this can help us with our crazy nights and I guess it can't!  Except to teach me patience and let me be there for baby Peanut,  reassuring him that he is safe,  he is loved,  mama is right here.

Things my doctor said

You look sad.

I think you have post partum depression and we didn't catch it earlier.

How long has it been,  10 months?  Why didn't you come sooner?

We could give you some antidepressants,  though if you are still breastfeeding...

If you continue to feel bad and you decide to wean the baby,  we can get you on some meds.

----

Soooo. I am not on meds. I don't plan to wean Baby Peanut for a while.  My breastfeeding goal was one year,  and I feel like the worst of the PPD and PPA is mostly over.

I ended up going to the doctor because an unrelated problem.  It seems I might have some sort of allergy and irritation on the lady parts.  Funnnn. If the treatment doesn't work I'm in for some testing,  since it's making our love life pretty much non existent.  Meh. We have had some arguments and lots of guilt and unhappiness in that department.  The doctor says part of the problem is the PPD,  but there is definitely something else going on.  So.

Peanut continues to not sleep,  even worse than before.  Wakes every hour,  every hour and a half.  It's difficult.  Very,  very difficult.  I had stopped the reflux medication but I think we're going to go back to it, and hopefully the sleep will improve.  He's getting better at crawling though!  Still not quite there,  but getting there!

I've been reading a lot about sleep.  It's not helping to improve his sleep,  but it's very interesting and I think it's helping me to cope,  at least.  He'll sleep when he sleeps,  I guess!

9 months

So finally little Peanut has lived in the outside world as long as he lived in my womb.  That is some really crazy perspective.

He's currently fighting a throat infection, and though he has been better yesterday and today,  he's still on antibiotics (or,  more like back on antibiotics,  since he finished the prescribed period but the symptoms persist so the doctor said to continue a few more days).  It has been a very difficult week,  though in general I feel like January was a bit better.  This week was marked by bouts of vomiting,  fever,  screaming and crying while we gave him dose after dose of medicines and a really exhausted household.

This week also marks my return to the MBA.  I am terrified because I have very little free time for homework,  so even though it's all virtual,  or maybe because it is,  it is really hard to dedicate six or eight hours a week to it.  I am struggling because when I'm home with the husband and the baby there is really not a way to disengage from them.

I made a resolution this week to talk people around me up,  instead of complaining about them (this week was heavy on the complaining side), but I struggle with the level of shared responsibility for the baby with Cookie.  Doing homework (or more like,  trying and failing)  for the master is just one symptom of the problem.  I don't know how to breach the subject without having an open war,  but I think I'm reaching the point that if it takes a full blown ugly argument  to touch the subject,  I'll have a full blown ugly argument.  I know I tend to blame other people and be angry with them when things don't go as I planned them,  when in reality I am also to blame and most things cannot be planned or expected to go as one wishes,  so I reaaaally need to work on that because it's a very ugly trait of mine.

So.  Talking up.  Not blaming (even if it's done 90% just in my head).  Add those to my 2016 list,  along with having a meatless dinner a week (this week is was fried rice with veggies,  last week it was veggie chow mein! I am looking for more suggestions/ideas!) and cooking more.  Since I got pregnant and most of last year I really pushed the envelope on eating out because no time,  cooking making me nauseous,  etc,  but it's hurting our budget.  I am trying to get back on track on the budgeting and better financial organization as well.  So far...  Uhh. Well,  as soon as I finish paying my car insurance I'll be debt free,  and ready to start saving again.  Last year I didn't meet my savings mark because I went crazy on December.  Between Christmas presents and impulse buys and paying bonuses for my eventual employees (some of them,  like our cleaning lady and my first mason at work not really eventual at all)  it got really out of hand.

We also had a few things to pay for that hit me this month,  one of them our water pump breaking and needing to be entirely replaced (waaah!)  and the yearly house taxes and the car yearly service.  On the good news,  I finished Ms.  T's house renovation and I am mostly done with a facade project. The project that was stressing me out the most kind of fell through the cracks and the client never contacted me again.  I think we are even?  The first payment does cover what I did, pretty much,  so.   I am not worrying about it anymore.

On the work department there are some new projects on the horizon.  Tomorrow me and Pam are meeting a client for whom we made an interior design proposal and budget last week.  Cris and David's house addition,  which I started on December,  is going a bit slowly,  but it's going well,  so I'm hoping February shows some mayor advances there.  Currently we have all the columns and the iron structure for the major beams of the first floor,  which I hope we can pour  next weekend.  So by the end of next month I hope we'll be working on the second floor's roof.

Eli's achievements are many!  I haven't weighted or measured him this month,  but he can cruise around the playpen,  stand up supporting himself, and kinda scoot backwards when he tries to crawl.  Crawling is his bane!  He can't get his head around it.  But he claps and says 'mama' and 'apa'  and feeds himself and signs milk and more,  he waves bye bye,  gives many hugs and kisses,  and loves pandas so much.  He points where the panda is on one of his books and loves to touch and look at the box of Takenoko. I am currently trying to teach him the signs for mom,  dad,  grandma,  grandpa, sleep,  cookie,  bath,  all done,  diaper change,  eat and thirsty.  He..  Doesn't seem to give a damn! But maybe soon?

On the sleep front,  we're still bedsharing and he's still waking up multiple times a night to feed.  It's hard,  but this week while he was sick he would only take the breast,  and then for a day and a half he wouldn't even breastfeed much,  he felt so sick,  that I am very grateful that he's feeling better enough to wake up to eat.  I know he will eventually demand less milk,  even if right now it feels like he's the only 9 month old that doesn't sleep a long stretch at night.  I have been trying to coach my sister in law,  who had a failed breastfeeding relationship with her son 7 years ago,  with her new baby.  Her pediatrician  is not supportive at all and this causes her plenty of confusion and anxiety.  My other sister in law's sister also gave birth this month  and I gave some more successful advice to her,  so that makes me happy!  I am still halfway through the breastfeeding online certification class I started months ago,  but a lot of the initial problems with breastfeeding come from un supportive pediatricians or family.  My brother's wife also had a baby girl this month  (so many babies!) but her previous experience was mostly successful,  so we talk about it a lot,   and it's nice to have that to bond over,  since we aren't super close. I am currently That Crazy Breastfeeding Lady, I know.

The baby is asleep to I will return to homework for as long as it lasts!  I can do this!  12 more weeks to go!

The little things

The hardest part of depression right now is my inability to cope with even the smallest of problems. I will be fine for days and then a minor bump juat sends me into paralized fear and anxiety attacks, nightmares and breakdowns. I feel ridiculous, and it's mortifying, knowing people can see how absurd my breakdown is. Cookie is handling things (me) as gently as he can, but I know he's way out of his depth.

Last night baby Peanut bit me twice while he was nursing, after a rough day at work. He was very fussy and difficult, and I lost it. I went to our room to scream into the pillow, then tried to nurse him to sleep when I calmed down, but he just wanted to play. Cookie settled him in the crib and he just started to cry like sixty seconds later. I broke down and cried, big ugly sobs of woe is me. I was so tired and cold and I just needed someone to take over. Which I think might even be normal, except I feel like that about my whole life. I wish someone would take over.

My phone fell on Christmas Eve and the screen shattered. It has been acting up and making my life a little bit harder. I am not dealing with that very well. After the total breakdown of last night Cookie started to search for a new phone or a way to change the screen on this one. And I have to say, just that gesture made me feel better. Like, if he's taking care of that (of me) then I can.. Do the rest? Maybe?

I admit I've been having thoughts of death more often than before. I kind of always have had them, in the back of my mind, and they come to the surface now and then. I quickly forget they were there after a little while. Last night they had their moment, front and center. I had completely forgotten bout them until just now. That might be a good thing? At least they are not pervasive?

I hate the winter cold. It makes everything so much harder. I don't feel like I had much of a break over the holidays, with all the frantic last minute shopping and work and all the gatherings. I hope January gets me a few days to recharge, then everything will (probably) be better.

Random things that keep me distracted

First! Milestones: Baby Peanut is now searching for us around the corner when we play peakaboo, indicating his growing grasp of object permanence. He is also working a lot on his pincer grasp, and he turns the light switch on and off, then turns to look at the lamp, showing his new understanding of cause and consequence. Yay, baby brain!

His sleep is... I have no idea. The regressing seems to be over? He's had some good nights and some bad nights and some night terrors and.. Uhm. I don't know where are we standing right now. I am sleeping as it comes, some nights better than others. Cosleeping and bedsharing are saving my life.

Yesterday we went to the movies for the first time since the baby was born. I don't remeber what was the last movie we watched when I was pregnant. We saw Star Wars last night with Cookie's friends who are visiting from out of town. It was cool! I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would, Elias stayed with my parents and after the movie we picked him up and had everyone over for a late dinner. He napped then socialized and behaved like a champ.

I am not done shopping. Gahhhh. The. Horror. Peanut is a shopping champ, though. Friday he endured three and a half hours of shopping at the mall like it was nothing.

Our water pump and pressurization equipment broke on Friday. We need to buy new ones. This month has been really hard not to overspend.

I am still playing Hearthstone, the Blizzard card game. I started playing in February or March, and the game has kept me company for all the late night feedings and the baby napping on top of me.

I took on a new project with an old client, designing 5 bathrooms for her new, unfinished house. None of my other projects are done yet, though. I am also theoretically starting a new renovation this week but I'm not feeling it. It's Christmas week! Could we maybe start it next week? Ugh.

My friends will be here this week. I can't wait to see them all!! My brother is also arriving tomorrow, he's meeting Elias at last! Two of my sister's in law are due any day now, so I can't wait to meet my new nieces as well.

I barely did anything this weekend. It felt nice, if a bit maddening. At least I wrapped almost all of the presents!