Transformations (and anxiety)

For the longest time I have thought about personal transformations like something out of an anime. You know, the magical girl twirling lights and wardrobe change, all very Sailor Moon-like. I know that makes aaaabsolutely no sense. But, I thought, someday that might happen to me, you know, I'll turn into and adult or an spiritual person or I'll find enlightening or whatever it is one is supposed to turn into and be a competent, self assured thirty something.

I'm struggling.

I guess everyone does. Probably everyone feels like a fake too. Which is really scary to think about, if everyone else is also just faking it.. Everything seems just so much more fallible. At least if it was only me faking it, the world would have some direction. But the world certainly looks like a dumpster fire right now, so...

I'm struggling with anxiety a lot. Again. Not in the same way as with Peanut, those first 9-10 months. I haven't had anxiety attacks. But these days I lay awake, worrying about war, about refugees, about nuclear bombs. Will my children have a chance to live in a better world than I? Will they grow up with fear, with war, displaced? I would do everything  for them. Anything. I am terrified of the world. I don't feel like I can make a difference.

I think the only thing I have some power over (and even then, not as much as I wish/think) is their education. Trying to make them turn out right. Caring, self assured people. Empathic. Resilient. Brave.

But I am so afraid for them. I love them beyond what I thought was possible. Every cliche, every over used expression. They are my world, my motivation, my pride. My babies.

I never noticed any magical girl twirling transformation. Yet here I am, transformed. A mom. My heart out there, in the light of their eyes. Aching even when they laugh, because I know they will grow, that even in the best possible outcome, they don't belong to me. They belong to themselves, and they will never know that I can't never, ever, be who I was before them again. Never can my heart be whole inside my chest again. Motherhood is excruciating. It pulls me in every direction at once, full of joy and pride and fear and longing, sleepless and insecure.

But I am not who I was. Love is transformative. I am humbled and anxious, aware of the fears of my mother and of all the mothers before her. I am not as bold as I was. Not as certain. Was I ever certain? Less, then.

But I have also found connection. Sisterhood. Gentle looks and hundreds of benedictions. I think the phrase I hear most from strangers is "God keep your children". They mean it. I feel like the world is so much scarier, but people are so kind, too. I'm touched by how people don't think twice to offer me help. I was proud to be unapproachable and aloof, to have people fear me or feel uncomfortable in my company. It made me feel like I was better than them.

My insecurities made me a fool. I know they still do. I am terrified of how they will affect my kids. What my neuroses will do to them, how will they shape them. I must be better, confront these weaknesses, expose them to the light and see them for what they are. Childish justifications of character flaws. Nothing special, and in that they keep me from fully engaging with people, a great liability. I can't do this alone.

So... I don't know how to face these fears. They are so big, I can't really convince myself they are unwarranted. But I know post partum anxiety is real. I have been here before. Depression lurks around the corners. If I'm not tired enough to just pass out at night, they keep me up for hours. I hope writing about them helps me handle them, or at least normalizes them enough so I can talk about them freely so they don't become dark shadows around me and my kids.

5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

My ultimate hospital bag list

Today is out last day at the hospital, and for posterity (and in case I need a refresher a few years from now), here's what we really used and needed:

Baby wipes and diapers
Water bottles
Phone and chargers
Battery bank
Kindle
Glasses
Dried plums
Protein bars/snacks
Lanolin
Shampoo
Toothbrush
Baby nail clippers
Two pillows
Comb
Lotion
Mints
Lip balm
Pj's for Cookie
Underwear
Sanitary pads
Baby clothes in NB and 0-3 sizes
Baby blanket for ride home

I tried to use everything the hospital provided but they kept asking us for clothes for the baby, and allowed me to use pads and underwear. I don't remember that from last time around. I also didn't really use the nursing pillow, a small pillow was much more comfortable to have around the bed.
I don't think I need two changes of clothes, though. I will probably leave in the pants and shirt I wore coming in, since the dress I brought doesn't sound very appealing right now. Not a bad choice, just... I don't know. Less easy to move around.

I also brought nursing pads that were completely unnecessary, and this time I didn't bring a diary or a pen and didn't miss them at all.

I was in an LOT of pain last night and cried quite a bit because moving is so hard. I hope today is better. I am only getting oral acetaminophen now, so pain management is now what would be at home. I'm a bit afraid. But today I'm going home, and I'm seeing my dearest Peanut, so all will be better somehow. Can't wait to have our family together and have my boys meet each other. Isaac is such a calm baby, and he's so lucky Peanut has taught us so much. I can't wait to be their mom.

Birth story

Baby Isaac was born on Thursday 10th, in a pretty warm August day, at 9 am exactly. After a last day of errands and getting checked at the doctor's, we went to bed really late on Wednesday. At midnight we were still chatting in bed and trying to convince Peanut to go to sleep. He kept putting his little hand on his chest and saying "big brother". He also had quite a meltdown earlier, probably because he picked up on all my stress. We slept very little - Cookie probably about three hours, me maybe 5. Then we got up, got ready, and were out of the house by 6:20. We dropped Peanut with my parents -he was awake and cried when we left, clearly upset. It was so hard for me to leave.

We seldom talked about it but it was like the pink elephant in the room: Cookie and I were terrified that something might go wrong and that I could die. I was also terrified that something might happen to the baby and we might return home empty handed. Just. It's a difficult day, where we face our mortality really closely. So saying goodbye to Peanut was very hard, thinking... It could be the last time. I am so dramatic about this. But I know it's also a deep fear for Cookie.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:35, filled the entrance paperwork, got into our room. Turns out it was the same room I was with Elías! Room 202, the one in the corner. It was kind of cool, to be here again. I changed into a robe and around 7:15 they had me prepared and rolled me into the waiting surgery room. I met the anesthesiologist, Dr. Ramos, and the pediatrician on call, Dr. Andrade. The ped was kind of really brisk and not particularly warm, so I'm glad he wasn't on call when I had Peanut. This time around I'm a bit more comfortable and less afraid, so... I'm just doing what I know. Dr. Ramos was really kind. He gave me the epidural around 8:05, and I barely felt a thing. He stayed by my side the whole surgery and would give me the play by play of everything that was happening or would happen. He also let Cookie in when the cutting had started and took care of him when he was almost passing out. Poor Cookie. He didn't get to cut the cord this time, he almost fainted when they were cleaning the baby, says seeing the head come out of the open cavity was too much like they pulling an organ out of me. He recovered and we got to the pictures in the OR, though! Cookie left with the ped, and Dr. Ramos stayed with me, chatting me up and giving me druuugs. I found out then he is my Obg's husband, which was funny I didn't know before! She did a wonderful job and by 10:30 I was in the recovery room. It took me longer this time to recover, about an hour and a half, so I came into our room around noon. Cookie was pretty worried by then, since with Peanut I took about an hour less to be back.

I was in quite some pain and I still feel very sore. The afterbirth pains are probably the worst, though I have also been coughing a bit and it's THE WORST. I got up and walked a tiny bit yesterday evening, and I'm still pretty famished (I didn't get to eat or drink anything from 10:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day, and then my only meal after that was half an apple and a plate of plain cereal with milk around 6). I brought some snacks from home so I had a protein bar for dinner but... Well. I am waiting eagerly for breakfast!

Baby Isaac weighted 2.950 kg and measured 52 cms long. He was born at 39 weeks exactly. Elías was born at 39 weeks and 3 days, weighted 3.560 kg and measured 50 cms. So I have a skinnier baby this time! My milk hasn't fully come in but I'm definitely producing, Isaac only had one ounce of formula before I came out of recovery, and has since been latching like a super champ and breastfeeding on demand (around every 3-4 hours). Between all the personnel checking on us and the feeds and the diaper changes (which have fallen entirely on Cookie this time) I had about 5 hours of broken sleep last night. I'm still pretty tired, but it's daytime, and I always feel happy when the day comes.

Eli spent the morning with my parents yesterday, then left around 1:30 to spend the afternoon with my mother in law. He went to sister in law's place and all the cousins had what looks like a great time! Then he went back to my parents house to spend the night and it looks like he didn't wake all night long and still sleeping! So... Yay! I miss him a lot.

Cookie has been the sweetest with the baby and has been taking care of me. I have felt kind of sad at being this impaired/disgusting (all my womanly glory right now is very bloody and awkward). But its so awesome to see him be a dad of a newborn again, without all the fear we had the first time around.

Breakfast is here! I am thankful for so much right now, our family, our friends, our healthy baby and my recovery. I actually cried when I saw baby Isaac for the first time! Such a difference from the emotional  distance and clumsiness I felt with Eli's emergency c-section. I hope PPD and PPA give me a break this time around.

Welcome home, little one. Mommy loves you so much.

Back from our vacation, time for some perspective

I haven't posted in a while so I'll try to do a quick recap:

We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents,  it all well pretty well. No one said anything,  just a few not super happy faces.  Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony.  He was the only baby cc crying,  nonstop,  for 45 minutes.  THAT SURE WENT WELL.

After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration,  half birthday party.  We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law.  All went well and was very tasty!

The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli.  He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?

We had a week and a half trip in early May.  We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them,  even if work did not relent even while I was away,  and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment.  We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them,  so it was nice.  And I got to see my brother too.  Flying with a one year old was...  Stressful.  And packed.  Not the easiest of endeavors.  But we managed and came back in one piece,  even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach -  I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well.  During our trip,  baby Peanut cut his first molar.  Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.

I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation.  It was uneventful.  Cookie forgot,  though after some drama he got me flowers the next day.  They were pretty :)

I also had my period that day,  the first one since I got pregnant.  Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant.  Meh.  But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!

Turning 31 kind of freaked me up.  I can't believe I'm over thirty.  I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.

Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now.  I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients.  The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish,  so it's a bit of a daunting project.  But things are moving forward this week.

I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week.  I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock.  I did pretty well in the last trimester,  so at least all those Sundays paid up.

I am feeling better after our trip.  I was..  Angry and disappointed while we were on it,  because I couldn't leave work behind,  because I couldn't go to the beach,  because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so,  still not over his casein intolerance,  still not night weaned,  etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods,  I managed to recharge.  I'm grateful l we got to go.

As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today,  I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now.  Of those,  7 years I've been a free agent.  I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like,  I have pretty much made it on my own,  and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had.  It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing,  and that's something to b  proud of.

Random things that keep me distracted

First! Milestones: Baby Peanut is now searching for us around the corner when we play peakaboo, indicating his growing grasp of object permanence. He is also working a lot on his pincer grasp, and he turns the light switch on and off, then turns to look at the lamp, showing his new understanding of cause and consequence. Yay, baby brain!

His sleep is... I have no idea. The regressing seems to be over? He's had some good nights and some bad nights and some night terrors and.. Uhm. I don't know where are we standing right now. I am sleeping as it comes, some nights better than others. Cosleeping and bedsharing are saving my life.

Yesterday we went to the movies for the first time since the baby was born. I don't remeber what was the last movie we watched when I was pregnant. We saw Star Wars last night with Cookie's friends who are visiting from out of town. It was cool! I enjoyed the movie more than I thought I would, Elias stayed with my parents and after the movie we picked him up and had everyone over for a late dinner. He napped then socialized and behaved like a champ.

I am not done shopping. Gahhhh. The. Horror. Peanut is a shopping champ, though. Friday he endured three and a half hours of shopping at the mall like it was nothing.

Our water pump and pressurization equipment broke on Friday. We need to buy new ones. This month has been really hard not to overspend.

I am still playing Hearthstone, the Blizzard card game. I started playing in February or March, and the game has kept me company for all the late night feedings and the baby napping on top of me.

I took on a new project with an old client, designing 5 bathrooms for her new, unfinished house. None of my other projects are done yet, though. I am also theoretically starting a new renovation this week but I'm not feeling it. It's Christmas week! Could we maybe start it next week? Ugh.

My friends will be here this week. I can't wait to see them all!! My brother is also arriving tomorrow, he's meeting Elias at last! Two of my sister's in law are due any day now, so I can't wait to meet my new nieces as well.

I barely did anything this weekend. It felt nice, if a bit maddening. At least I wrapped almost all of the presents!

Hit the ground running

Baby Peanut is six  and a half months old. Almost 29 weeks, yikes! In ten weeks he will have spent as much time in my womb as outside, I can't wrap my head around that. I grew that baby! From scratch! He used to fit in my womb, whaaaat. Giant baby is now 9 kg, so we're a kilo away from tripling his birth weight. Or in another words, what the hell. It is super cool to know that I grew him from scratch (disassociated as I am from the whole birth/pregnancy) and that then I fattened this little piggy too, all with my body. It makes me feel really cool, to be able to keep a human being alive and thriving! I've been suuuuper lucky in that we had no glitches breastfeeding, for the most part. I have also been super lucky to have a friend who recently went through all of these, and who has been supporting me and helping me cope, and that I live in the information era, where all I need to do is google and read.

Which I have done. A LOT.

So much, in fact, that I am always surprised when I hear other people don't over research. My SILs don't even have a pregnancy app! Or a weekly pregnancy calendar! Or two dozen blogs about pregnancy/parenting/cloth diapers/attachment parenting/co-sleeping/the burning issue in me head this week. I have to laugh at myself and my neurosis, but it really does help. I feel like even if everything is new and challenging, at least I have some sort of safety line.

These mornings I've been starting to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. Not every day, and and more often than not I'm still half a kilo away from it, but I'm really happy aboit it. Everything changed, though. There's less in some places (ass, where did you go?) And much more in other places, at least temporarily (fun cleavage!), and lots of.. Looseness? Skin being... Weird? I guess I'm still a long way from my skin getting used to having less to cover. My abdominal diastasis is mostly recovered too, less than once centimeter to go. It was very creepy for a while, to have that hole between the muscles.

And then there's my chia pet head. Apparently by the lenght of the new hair I have, the moment Baby Peanut was born I started growing a new layer of hair. So I have this... Cap. Of sorts. Of an inch and a half long hairs, fanning everywhere. Like a chia pet. They cannot be tamed. I look pretty ridiculous and kond of unkempt, and my students already noticed them and ughh I almost died of embarrasment at their puzzled looks and comments of "you have... A lot of tiny hairs." YES THANK YOU. But I guess soon they will flatten out? If not, at least there's only 3 more weeks of school and then there will be no more 20 year olds commenting on my mommy style trending chia pet hair.