2018

I haven't posted in too long! I keep thinking, I'll find some time soon, and then I never do. So this might be short and disjointed but better than nothing!

Christmas came and went and so did the new year. I was exhausted with all the family gatherings and the super last minute shopping. I was out shopping the 23rd still. It was... Gah. But I was glad to see my brother and he met baby Isaac! They really connected, it was very cute.

I decided to start the new year with a clean financial slate, so I used my savings to pay off the credit cards. I set up to do a new budget for the house and did a frugality challenge for January. I set up to not eat out for a month, which was haaaaard but I made it! I'm working on my savings, which were decimated by 2017 and working for family. I'm taking a class on investing in stocks, and enjoying it! I'm also fully back to work, doing a couple of projects and the consulting thing for the construction company. Which means I can better plan our spending since I have an income again.

Last month was a fraught time while I searched for a preschool for Peanut. Turns out we can't really afford to pay for two preschools. Cookie really wanted a montessori but it was too much, we could not afford to have two kids in any of them in two years. We could barely afford one kid. So.. I visited 8 schools and called a bunch more. It was exhausting. In the end we decided for a mixed method school, it's run by a non profit, so the costs are mostly symbolic. We ended deciding against public school because the classes were packed, but it was our second choice. That consumed a lot of my time and energy last month, and put me and Cookie at odds. He doesn't enjoy talking about money and all of his nephews attend his childhood school, which was the montessori we definitely couldn't afford. My father in law offered to help pay for part of Peanut's tuition there, but that just made things worse...

In any case, I went and signed Peanut up at his new (super hippie) school yesterday. We haven't said anything to my in-laws about it yet and I suspect they won't be thrilled about our choice but I'm happy with the school and we are comfortable with the tuition. And I think that kind of peace is worth a bit of family drama.

My anxiety is quiet for now, though I'm a bit depressed just in general. Cookie and I are a bit disconnected, which makes me sad, but I'm so tired all the time... It's hard to make time for us. He will be out of town for work next week so we'll be apart for Valentine's. It's no big deal but still... I wish we could reconnect and I wish I felt normal and not like I'm barely making it every day.

I know this feeling won't last. Everything is in flux right now. Baby Oz is starting to eat solids, and turning 6 months tomorrow. He's so big, and so happy. We just need to be kind to each other and wait until the kids need us a bit less. It will happen. And I will miss my babies.

5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

Cast iron skillet and the quest to reduce waste

I am still very much pregnant (35 weeks!) and the heat is still pretty awful, though rain has finally started! Quite late for the season, but yay for rain! The downside is that downcast days always make my blood pressure drop so I have been feeling much sluggier. I had a couple of great weeks, after the doctor  sent me extra iron. Apparently I was borderline anemic for quite a while!

A couple months ago I saw an 8" cast iron skillet at the grocery store. They aren't common and I had been curious for a long time, so I bought one. The thing is, I have an on and off affair with cooking, sometimes I don't really have time for long seasons to cook proper, time consuming meals, or to experiment. But then I do, or something spurs my excitement again, and it's so much fun! And so much more budget conscious! So today I decided to try and season my skillet, which got me really excited, and I am cooking my first steak in it right now! I am already seeing how I'm gonna get all THIS IS MY NEW THING over it. It all started with being excited to cook again, but it quickly tied to how long lasting these things are. I heard this guy say, "if you are lucky to have inherited a skillet from your grandma..." and it totally blew my mind. I would love to have had inherited a skillet from my grandma! That's so awesome! I have been married for only four years and I have already given away my most used Teflon pan and another one is really ugly and burned. It never occurred to me that this one was made to last generations.

I'm currently attempting to lower our waste output as much as possible. I had gotten really lazy about the compost, was buying mini boxed juices for Peanut and feeling bad about the straws and the sugar and all around just... Feeling like I wasn't making enough of an effort. So I am trying! Cold composting our kitchen vegetable scraps, using less plastic and buying things with the least amount possible of packaging. It means making a lot of decisions while shopping! I am also trying to be more frugal, which is NOT an easy thing for me. I shop to entertain myself, to relieve stress, when I'm sad, when I'm happy.. Just. Gahhh. But I'm trying to have a more minimal lifestyle. Trying! I don't want my boys to learn from mom that we can find solace in things.

I am also struggling financially a lot lately. I finished the construction for my brother last Friday. It took over a month to finish all of the last details, and the electrician abandoned the construction without finishing and after I had fully paid him. So I had to pay out of my pocket for what was unfinished and the stuff he took with him. It wasn't that much but... Well. My brother hasn't paid me a cent since March. I am very strapped right now. Other projects arena still ongoing (the design for the restaurant is near done, and a house I'm doing with my friend P is going well), but no money from those until they are done. I did finish the plans for the house for the project I was waiting on the engineers, but that money has come and gone (it wasn't much to start with, just a bit more than the electrician fiasco actually).

I also found out I was in deep trouble with my taxes about a month ago. My previous accountant screwed me over by lazying around to the point where I had missed documentation since December 2014. My current accountant has been doing magic, turning over all the super overdue paperwork and making magic. So far it seems like I owe about 1/10 of what I had initially calculated, so she must be a warlock. I just found out last night it won't be as much as I had thought, which has me in a better mood than I had been in a while! Specially because I didn't have money to pay the initial amount I had calculated. I told Cookie about the whole shitstorm and he has been very supportive and was going to help me pay it, but looks like I might be able to cover it after all. I inquired and apparently there is nothing I can do about or to my previous accountant. Just, too bad! You got screwed! Better luck next time!

Downsizing on expenses is the best I can do at the moment, specially because I won't have any savings to fall back on while I'm on 'maternity leave'. Part of the joys of being your own boss (and obviously, of being crap at trying to provide some security for yourself). I hope I learn some lessons out of this.

I am focusing on the good and the exciting though. Baby Peanut is fully potty trained and has been since the end of June! Even night potty training is done! He started to take off his diaper one day before sleep and we gave in and put him in underwear. Soon awesome! It was a mostly painless process, I am super proud of him. It was all over in two months! We are still bedsharing (whateverrrrr) but he is showering 4 or 5 days a week. Success!! He got excited about the shower after seeing his older cousins at my in laws' house use it, and now there is barely any drama! Hurray! This is great news because I can't really pick him up from his tub anymore. He is around 13.5 kg and I am so damn big right now, it's just really hard (I do it if he won't agree to the shower, but I would rather let him off the hook and not bath him at all if it comes to that). Baby Oz will be here soon! He weights 2.35 kg and is in position and I will do what I can do help him engage, hopefully I can have my VBAC. But if not, I will be okay. I know a c section recovery, I know I can do this. I can be a good mom. Not everyday, not all day, but I try my best, and these two boys will be the work of my life. I love them too much to fail.

31 weeks and freaking out

This heaaaaat, my God. It's been 40°C all of last week and it looks like all of this wee will be 38°C and up. It's horrible, I don't know what I expected but pregnancy and this heat wave is just awful, I never feel dehydrated, but my pressure drops and I get nauseated. I know now that *that's* how dehydration is looking right now, so I'm drinking quite a lot of Gatorade. I know it's not optimal, but plain water doesn't get my pressure up and electrolytes taste horrible.

Work is EXACTLY the same as it was two weeks ago. Construction still not finished (I hope this is the last week). Still waiting for the engineer to send me the house calculations to finish that project. The vineyard is going very slowly - that one is entirely my fault. I got obsessed with the cleaning and decluttering and didn't work on it very much the past two weeks. My kitchen is looking amazing though! So open! I have done about half of Peanut and Oz's closet, and half the pantry too. My desk and the laundry, though, remain awful.

We had to fix our water pump last week and I had to buy a new washer. Mine broke again for the second time in six months and the repair was half what a refurbished one was, so... Screw it. The new washer is pretty awesome but it's been an expensive couple of weeks.

Potty training had a bit of a curve ball last week, with Peanut having a regression and deciding not tell us when he had to use the potty. But we seem to be back on track and we have had two nights of dry diapers, so perhaps we can transition to NO DIAPERS AT ALL in the next few weeks! That would be pretty cool. I am super proud of Baby Peanut, he has been a champ through all of the training and it hasn't been anywhere as painful as I thought it would be.

I am flirting with getting the Marie Kondo book but I fear I will go crazy with the de clutter given how strong my nesting is going already. But.. It sounds like something that I would love so much!

For the past month or so I have been doing some lactation consultations! All for free, obviously, since I don't have any certifications. I have enjoyed them a lot! So far only with two women, but one of them is a very young single mom and she needs a lot of reassurance, so we keep in touch and talk about her progress and problems a lot. It has been really rewarding helping other moms! And a great reminder that the first eight weeks of a baby are No Joke. I hope baby Oz and I have a smooth breastfeeding start. I hope baby Oz is healthy and all goes well. I am scared. But all that is left to do is wait.

It recently occurred to me that this might be my last pregnancy. I would like to have at least another baby, but... Who knows. I'm scared and hope everything goes well at the birth and that we can add to our family in a couple of years again but who knows if we will be able to. One of our friends is undergoing fertility treatments to try and conceive for the first time. We are crossing our fingers for them. This is such a rocky road... Who knows what's in store for all of us. I hope I can enjoy and connect with baby Oz instead of going through so many months of PPD like with Peanut. Time goes by so fast, I can't believe Peanut is already a toddler.

The state of this anxious mind

I'm starting to feel like there is no more time for anything. The baby will be here in 10 weeks, at most. Work is not finished or close to, so I'm thinking about dropping whatever is left. But then... I am so broke, it's been a couple of expensive months between baby preparations and our trip to the beach. I don't know what to do!

The master and building plans for a house I designed last year are almost done, at least. I am waiting on some info from the client, and from plans from the engineers. But my part is pretty much done, at least. That only leaves my brother's construction  which is.. Going OK but just not ending in time, and the restaurant/vineyard protect. This is the one I'm thinking of dropping. I hope I can ramp up my productivity the next two weeks or so. Whatever is left after that... Well. I guess we'll see. I just wish  could take a break!

I'm debating whether or not to have a baby shower. On the one hand, I don't really need much for this baby. On the other hand.. I feel a bit lousy not celebrating this baby too! If he was a girl I would probably have one, so... I kinda think I should plan something. My mom hates them so I feel awkward bringing it up. My friend P has offered help, so maybe I'll do the tacky thing and throw it myself with her help?

I bought a new car seat for Peanut this week so I can wash and prepare his old one for baby Oz. I also finally sent the designs to the carpenter for Peanut's bed and for baby Oz's side sleeper. I hope we'll get them soon! Other than getting those things, I think we are mostly set. Peanut's potty training is going fantastic. We barely have any accidents, he's wearing underwear all day now and there has been no drama. He just goes! I'm so glad he showed interest around the time we wanted to try and teach him. This should definitely teach me a lesson that it really is not about what I want but about what he is ready and willing to try.

Bedsharing has been uncomfortable lately. Peanut hugs me most of the night or just has to be touching me somehow to sleep calmly. Which is very sweet, but also hot and not easy, specially this pregnant. I don't really want to fight him for this, though. I guess he feels like he needs the extra reassurance, and he'll sleep on his own when he feels he can. His new bed will put his mattress just 10 cms below ours, so I think that will help.

Nesting this time around feels like a lot of cleaning and decluttering and organizing. I am almost done organizing our closet, which I feel has never looked better. I bought pregnancy clothes that fit *me*, instead of using everything borrowed. That has helped my mood! If I never wear them again it's okay. I accept this might just be a one summer wardrobe, but feeling frumpy and wearing big, not-me styles was getting me down. Next on my decluttering list is my desk (ngggghhhh), our laundry room (ngahhhhhhh) and Peanut's closet. Maybe our kitchen, if time allows. It probably won't, given the state of everything else :S

This pregnancy has also been a bit different  in that I am not as hairy! Ha ha, no Chewbacca belly this time around. And the linea nigra is also much fainter. Still no stretch marks *crosses fingers* though so far I have put on 12.8 kg. Yikes.

I asked about the thesis revisions this week. I haven't heard anything from the school or my brother, despite seeing him pretty much everyday and getting his house-related texts a gazillion times a day, that oh yeah, they are bugging him about the finished projects. Like why haven't we turned them in. I got so frustrated!!! I haven't worked on it at all because we had a deadline and THEN we were supposed to get some input. I know I should still be working to finish it, I accept now that I probably won't finish it this year at all, but he could have at some point said "Hey, there is still time and they are expecting you to turn the finished project in the next two months" OR SOMETHING. When I said, well, so be it, I don't have time to finish it now, he was all "oh, you can still do it and send it to me in these next weeks". Hmmhnnmmhnmmm. Yeah no that's a) not a real deadline and b) I am swamped with work and so damn pregnant and I can't really write half a thesis in the "next weeks" however many weeks that might be. 2? 3? 6? Gah. I feel so frustrated and like such a failure. I know I'll get around it. Sometime. Probably next year, when Peanut starts kindergarten so baby Oz can stay with my mom. I don't know what work will look like for a while, with both babies in tow. I can't really leave them both with my mom, so. I assume I will stop working for a while, or at the very least take it very slow.

Things not unlike the first pregnancy? How scared I am for what the future will look like. It's weird, it's like mourning my current identity all over again. I didn't think it would be that different, but... The unknown is always scary. I am so excited for baby Oz though. I can't wait to meet you little one. Mommy loves you so much already.

Leave it up to fate

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and debating whether to change doctors. I'm leaning towards no at this point but I think I need to check some options anyway. My doctor - she delivered Peanut- is not super behind the idea of having a vaginal birth after my last c section.  I know I have a good chance at having a natural birth, so I really want to aim for one. She says I wouldn't be allowed to push on the third stage of labor and instead they would use forceps, which.. :/ I have read the VBAC guidelines and it's not indicated. I don't know.

On the other hand, this baby has turned already, but looks like his head is pretty big too. He might not engage. If he doesn't engage by the 39th week I think I will just go ahead and schedule the c-section as she recommended. I'm not sure of what to do at this point.

I'm feeling really tired most days, sleep isn't great in the third trimester. The heat is also not helping at all, it was awful all of last week. It's been raining a bit this week, so that's something. Baby Peanut sleeps in his bed some nights and some nights he doesn't. Last night he slept in my arms most of the night. It can be exhausting, even though I know this is not forever. He still wakes to ask for milk once at around 3 am. But now he wants to prepare his own bottle and will cry and scream bloody murder if we don't decipher what he wants. We are having a lot more tantrums. They last up to 45 minutes, it's rough. It's very hard to keep my cool sometimes, no matter how much respectful and gentle parenting means to me. He is so big and heavy too! These past few weeks I just can't carry him up in arms for very long. He's a bit over 34 inches tall and a bit over 28 lbs.

Potty training is going okay. I have moved on to putting him in cotton underwear and he has less accidents than with pull ups. He still sleeps in a diaper though. I think he wakes dry some mornings, but not all, and putting him in the toilet first thing in the morning is just not happening right now. He wakes up angry and we usually have a shortish tantrum when he wakes. A diaper a day is pretty great improvement though, so I take it!

He is also showering some days. Not all days, but sometimes he gathers enough courage to go in the shower in the afternoon. So that's good! I had given up for the time being but on Sundays he sees his cousins shower at my in laws' place and it encouraged him to try.

We have mostly settled on Isaac as this new baby's name. He's perfectly on track in weight and growth it seems, about 1.25 kg. I have put on 12.5kg so far :S I am counting calories and trying to be more mindful of what I eat because gahhh I am so swollen, I need to stop gaining so much weight :(

Two and a half months to go. Work hasn't let up and I am not close to finishing anything. Which worries me a bit. Not much time to rest. But I hope I can wrap things up in the next 5-6 weeks. I really need to rest and prepare for baby Ozzy's birth.

On the bright side, I just bought three maternity shirts. It makes me feel good to wear stuff that fits!

26 weeks

So we are in the last week of the second trimester. I am so not ready to enter the final stretch! So much work left to do, I have done very little baby prep... Gahhh.

We began with potty training this week. At this rate I feel like it might be the only thing I accomplish before the baby is due, since Eli is back to sleeping in our bed. We went to the beach for a week and he slept with us, so coming back home and trying to get him in is bed again was like starting from zero. And I'm tired. I don't sleep very well on his single bed, it was a 10 hour drive in each direction, just... No. So we're back to bed sharing. I also gave up on getting him to take showers instead of using his baby bath. He cried a lot, obviously it was very upsetting and really the bath is not that big a deal. He'll outgrow it eventually.

Today Cookie is taking Peanut to their first baby music class. I took him to the trial class and he seemed to like it, so I HOPE they'll have a good time. It's the first time Cookie takes the baby to do something on their own. In two years. So... Yeah! I am currently enjoying the quiet house, though I have to leave for the construction in a bit.

 The trip to the beach went well. The drive there was very long, but Peanut was a champ through all of it. He was afraid of the sea and didn't like the texture of sand, and took quite a while to warm up to the pool... But we went to an aquarium and he had fun, I think, just in general. I enjoyed myself too, and I think it gave Cookie time to see Eli in better situations than their usual 7-10 pm stretch. We had a photo session with a "professional" photographer at the hotel. He wasn't very good, really, but some of the pictures were nice and I'm just glad to have nice pics of this pregnancy and the beach and all. Peanut looked adorable in all of them :) I'm off to work,  but just look at him! He is my love beyond all love.

23 weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks over here. I hoped to get some rest during Holy Week and Easter, but work hasn't let up at all. My actual for real this time deadline to turn in the final revision of the thesis is next Tuesday. I am not done, and barely any further than I was 4 weeks ago. So I guess there's that.

Work at my  brother's construction site is going well. Quite a few kinks lately but progress continues. He apparently got over his money drama quicker than I could stop worrying about his money drama, and decided he would finish most of what he has planned and if money didn't stretch then he would take money from his home account instead of his savings account and hope for the best. Wuh. If it was necessary he would ask my dad for a loan. The end! Which is... Exactly what I had told him, so he just put me through 5 days of stress a couple of weeks ago for nothing. I did charge him a lower rate than regular clients and we agreed that I would be the last to get paid, but he insisted I charged him because work is work. And boy is it work lately...

Usually no one works during the Holy Days, but my workers decided to work both Thursday and Friday. Turns out, between Thursday evening and Friday morning someone broke in a stole power tools from the construction site. They stole two angle grinders that belonged to the tile installers and my rotary hammer drill. This was an absolute pain in the ass because a) all the workers wanted to blame one another, b) I really am barely breaking even as it is, and don't have money to buy a new one. The drama was long and stressful and annoying. Bottom line, though, the power tools are gone. So. We gotta replace them somehow.

Baby Peanut has been sick for almost two weeks too. First a stomach bug or something, followed by two days of being okay, followed by what looked like a cold but has continued to get worse. Today was the first day the ped could see us, and looks like a sinus infection. Last night it was fever and vomit and he has been coughing for several nights, so... The transition to his bed had a bit of a set back, and I'm sleeping awfully. He has been making some progress towards potty training though! Showing interest and sitting in his potty and peeing there. I'm trying to take it easy and follow his cue. Yesterday he was being an asshole and he tried to sit on one of the dogs and she bit him in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad, just a scrap, and it wasn't an angry or violent bite, more of a back off kind of thing, and I seriously had been after him for exactly the same thing with the other dogs.. But I got distracted and he got hurt. So I have been feeling pretty low and like an awful mom.

Next week Peanut turns two, but I still can't figure out how to have a party that won't be super stressful for me, given how.. Rambunctious his cousins are. I just want a little get together with kids his age, but I can't seem to figure out any way for that to happen without insulting family. At this point I will probably do nothing. I can't figure it out and I don't have much time to plan :S most of next week's morning will be spent at the doctor or getting studies done. Monday is my structural ultrasound and Tuesday I have to take the glucose test and Friday I have a visit with my Obgyn to check the results. Then we - theoretically - leave for a week long trip to the beach with my parents. It will be very nice to be out of town, but the car drive is about 9 hours long and my doctor isn't very happy about the idea. We will do the drive in two days and with plenty of stops, but still... I'm a bit worried. I hope all goes well.

Pregnancy has been mostly okay these weeks, beyond a couple of low pressure episodes. I got meds for it and some advice from the doctor in my  last visit and everything seems to be going well. Baby is moving a lot more and I can definitely feel it. He kicked Cookie last week for the first time, so that was exciting! I started a prenatal "gentle" yoga class last week. I'm loving it but it's also sort of kicking my ass! It's only two classes a week and I had to miss one this week, but it's doing me a lot of good I think. Specially mentally. I've been using that time to try to connect with this baby and its very emotional and sweet. That has been a highlight of my week!

I landed a project to design a restaurant. I am stressed because I don't really do commercial design, mostly just residential stuff. It's a really big project too, and I'm not super good at 3D rendering, so I'm gonna have to work on my skills while I design. I also started a small renovation today that I hope will be done by the middle of next week. So... Work is flowing, which is nice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, which isn't so nice.

I turn 32 next month. I admit there is an undercurrent in my brain that is freaking out. Shouldn't I feel like I have it together yet???

Feeling low

My thesis is due next week and I am nowhere, truly, really, certainly, nowhere near done. I accept that I won't finish it on time, though I wish I could have more done to send to the final revision. I don't know if I'll have time to work on it, though.

Work was going so well. It kind of still is, in that I'm meeting all deadlines with flying colors and things are getting done and looking good. But as it turns out, my brother is running out of money and this somehow took us both by surprise. I don't know if I could have prepared him for it? Help him plan better? But we had a chat on Thursday that almost ended with him in tears and I was being a cold hearted bitch - money is what it is. You either have it or you don't, I can't really stretch it that far. But it made me feel really low, and I think he didn't take my cold approach very well. I now feel like I should have worked more on my thesis than on the construction, given that now that we are running out of money we aren't in a hurry anymore to finish to he can move. Hindsight and all, but it still makes me feel really low.

There's also the matter of charging him for my work. I don't know what to do. Do I? At all? Do I tell him that we can put that on the freezer so he can pay me later? I'm not doing well financially at all, all this working for family is really bad for business. Knowing he's struggling to pay for the renovation is just making me feel awful about charging him. But... It is my only income. I don't know.

Cookie has been sick for over two weeks now. He just finished his course of antibiotics, but he's also running a bad bad allergy that only triggers at night in our room. So. He's slept in the living room the last two nights. In a way I guess that's better for both of us because I was getting awful sleep with him coughing and Peanut waking up, and he's also resting more because he's not coughing all night anymore, but. Yeah. This is not doing us any favors. Him feeling sick means less help with Baby Peanut, and more general crankiness. Which means I'm more tired and more prone to get angry, specially if he's cranky over video games and difficult to be around. I can barely hold it together as it is.

I reached week 20 of this pregnancy, so we're halfway there. I was feeling pretty great until last Thursday, when I went on a crazy cleaning spree trying to vacuum and de-clutter as much as possible to see if that helped with Cookie's allergy. It didn't. And then Friday I felt super crap, ready-to-run-to-the-hospital bad. But it was while I was grocery shopping, so I was alone, and ended up deciding to just try to take I easy instead of alarming my mom. I... I gotta say, I feel pretty lonely lately. Feeling sick and sleep deprivation are hard, but just in general I feel like nothing gets  lined up right. As soon as I get something working I feel like everything else falls apart.

In the end I think it was just more low pressure fun times, combined with being physically exhausted. I felt somewhat better yesterday until nighttime. I have an appointment tomorrow for the 20 week check up, so I'll bring my low pressure up again.

We are transitioning baby Peanut to his own bed. We are still room sharing and I expect we will continue to do so for a couple of years still, unless he asks for his own room. Once the baby is born, I feel like being all in one room would make him feel less displaced. He still wakes once or twice a night to ask for milk or for me to lay down with him, and I start up the night in his bed 3 out of 4 nights. Sometimes I only get two hours of sleep in my bed. But tomorrow will mark two weeks since we started and we haven't had him in our bed a single night, which is something of an achievement. He does cry and asks to sleep in the big bed, but I offer to go down to his instead and it usually works okay. He wakes up crying much less often than when he slept with us, which is also good! We are also introducing him to the shower really slowly. He's afraid of the falling water, so he cries when we shower him instead of bathing him in his baby bath. But he's almost too big for his bath now! It's a bit unwieldy. He'll turn two by the end of this month. I need to figure out a lot in this coming months and get some sort of new routines for him before the new baby is here. I don't want him to feel like his world is falling apart because of his brother :(

I'm planning to toilet train him in May. We will take a road trip to the beach with my parents the first week of May, so once we are back I'm tackling that. I hope it goes smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I'm dreading the heat this summer. I haven't gained as much weight as with Peanut's pregnancy so far, but I'm still retaining a lot of water and my digestion is so slow.. I already feel uncomfortable and have pain in my legs and feet. I'm trying to walk more, which does help, but I haven't been able to really stick to a daily schedule.

These past weeks I bought a package of newborn sized diapers, three size 0 pj's and one 3 months sized pj for the new baby (code named Ozymandias, or Ozzy for short). It's been a slowwww road to confidence. I almost broke down in the diapers aisle when I picked the diapers. What if I was jinxing him? What if something terrible happened? I know it can happen. I know nothing is ever certain. But I bought some tiny footed pj's  just the same. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but for me it was a great leap of faith. Can't wait to meet you, baby Oz.

18 weeks!

Today we are 18 weeks into this pregnancy, and the first Braxton Hicks construction just woke me up. Uhhh.. I don't  remember having them this weakly last time, but I don't really remember when they started.

I feel the baby move very lightly sometimes, which is different from baby Peanut's pregnancy. Then again, he always measured ahead, and this baby is measuring consistently to the day. We saw the doctor last week and to avoid any more "I guess the baby is asleep" moments, I had a bunch of mini chocolates before the appointment. Baby was very active! Everything looked okay, and we got to find out we are having a boy!! Baby Peanut is having a baby brother! I'm so excited!

Since then I think Cookie has connected with the pregnancy a lot the bit more. We had our fourth anniversary last week too, and some time alone, so that might have helped with his disposition too. He's also trying to be calmer around Peanut, all out of his own accord. Last Saturday he got really worked up with Elias because he had a bunch of tantrums while we were downtown (nothing terrible but not fun, his usual I am not getting to do what I want meltdowns) but then on Sunday we went to my in laws place and all of my nephews were hell. Just, so difficult and mean to each other and exhausting to be around, and Peanut was.. Peanut. Just, his bumbly, almost two year old playful self. And on by he way home he apologized to Peanut for losing it the day before, a said he was gonna try to be calmer because clearly Elias wasn't a brat. We are all a work in progress, I know!

I'm feeling a bit sad and annoyed because my mom said something last Tuesday that got to me. She always calls Peanut her baby, but Tuesday she called him her son in front of her sisters. I said, you know, no, my son. And she said, yeah, that's what you say. And... It makes me feel like I need to figure out a way to not leave Peanut so many hours under her care. I love her and I know she means well, but if she thinks that then s be probably thinks I am abusing her willingness to look after him? I'm struggling right now because I work a few hours in the morning and then I leave for another 3 hours for the thesis class. So yes, that's a lot of hours. I stayed on with Peanut yesterday morning but I couldn't get any work done so that's not a long term solution. I don't know. It makes me angry, to think she doesn't see me as my own boy's mom. But perhaps I'm just angry because it makes me sad that she (or worse, Peanut) might think that.

On the whole thesis subject, I haven't done a THING this week, which is terrible. I only have what is left of this week and three more before the class is over and the thesis has to be turned in. It probably won't be finished but it has to be mostly done or at least done to the bare bones. That... Man. I'm not sure I can do it. It's so much work  and my brother also wants the interiors of his house ready to be painted by the end of the month or the beginning of April. I'm a bit worried at this point.

Still. I'm going to take more time off today and take Peanut to the park and see the ducks. I feel guilty for all the time away I'm spending from him, and some time at the park will be fun, I think. Only one more month and the thesis will take less time from my afternoons, at least.

Early mornings

Poor baby Peanut is feeling sick and woke us up around 5:40, moaning in his sleep because of a fever. He had thrown up around midnight while Cookie was out with friends, so I called him and he came home running to help me cope (sick baby and cleaning vomit when I just woke up from a couple hours of sleep was.. Very confusing at the least!). When I tried to take his temp and give him meds he started crying uncontrollably and ended up throwing up again. We cleaned him up and undressed him and gave him meds and they fell asleep, but it was starting to be light outside... And when it starts to dawn, I get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and feel refreshed (even in five hours of broken sleep) and it's hard to fall back asleep. So. I'm just checking the Internet and laying down and listening to my loves sleep. It's  very nice and relaxing! I know this budding headache is gonna get worst and that I really will need to take a nap later, but for now the sun is up and everything will be okay.

15 weeks

So here I am! Second trimester, woohooo! I'm feeling much better. No more low pressure kicking my ass, much less nausea (only here and there, when I'm very tired or hungry), no heartburn *dances* not a lot of energy, really, still waiting for that to improve, but I'm definitely feeling better.

Yesterday I went to see the doctor by myself due to a vaginal infection. I know you were dying to know that. Anyway, as I was there, and the doctor asked if I had recently changed soap brands, I remembered that yes, I had, and also, this had happened with Baby Peanut's pregnancy too. I got a prescription soap (again) and some treatment. I am hoping it improves. I got to briefly see the baby. It wasn't moving at all so I freaked out, but the heartbeat was strong. I guess he or she was sleeping? Doctor said not to worry. But of course I'm worrying. I go back in two weeks to get proper measurements of growth, so... I hope everything looks okay then.

This is also my second week of the thesis seminar I'm taking. I went to the graduation ceremony on February 10th, and all that is left is WRITING THIS THESIS HELL YEAH. the seminar is 7 weeks long, so 5 to go. I.. Could be making faster progress I admit. But I am still on track with our assignments, so that's good! The seminar is really exhausting, though. I take it Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 4 to 6, but the traffic both ways is pretty bad, so it's an hour of very defensive driving that is almost as taxing as the class. My brother is teaching the class, which was news to both of us until the first day! It's a bit weird and maybe even uncomfortable for him? Not sure. But he's a good teacher and I am glad I'm with him and not someone else who's just half assing the seminar. I usually end up fast asleep before 9, though :S poor Cookie is not enjoying this time of our lives :(

Last week I also picked up Ahri, the dog I had rescued back in September. The owners no longer could care for her due to moving to a rental house with a no pets policy, though to be honest I think they just wanted to get rid of her. I don't think they enjoyed the responsibility and just found a good excuse to return her. It's been... A bit stressful at times, because Odin and Ahri are constantly fighting and trying to mount each other, but slowly things seem to be calming down. It's an improvement anyway of the situation we were in last time she lived with us, when I had to take Odin to my parents' place for two months because they couldn't be together. Odin was so obsessed with mounting her that he lost weight and had a doggie penis emergency. It was.. Not sustainable. This time around is more manageable. They have even slept inside several nights. In theory we will put her up for adoption again.

I kind of don't want to put the poor dog through it, so even though three dogs are too may dogs in our home, I think if we can coexist in peace I'll just let it be. She deserves a good home, and love, and I can't stand the idea of her getting rejected again. It's impossible to expect her to behave and be calm if her world keeps getting turned  around. Cookie tells me, no matter what, she's better off than in the streets, and he's right, but we'll see. Gotta mend our broken hearts (mostly mine, she doesn't seem to give a shit about not seeing her adopters anymore).

Baby Peanut is doing well! We have a few more words (ma= more and abo=heart (which makes no sense, but whatever, it is what it is)). He has some very willful, difficult days sometimes. I think he's also getting adjusted at my new school schedule, since he was used to having me around for the afternoon. He loves to help me cook and help his grandpa water the plants. Adores his dogs and watching YouTube, mostly children's songs but also Journey's Separate Ways, which he has loved since he was a little baby. He likes OK Go's videos, and Heartstone weekly highlights (Yeah, the game. We guess because he sees dad play it?). Sometimes when I'm driving and a song he likes comes on in the radio, he starts clapping to the rhythm in his chair, which is pretty funny. When I try to tell him about a baby in mommy's tummy, he either ignores me or tells me it's "abaubau" (a dog). I guess.. Uh.. I guess that's better than ignoring it? He does like dogs, so...

I'm also having some really vivid dreams. I forgot hormones did a number on that too. Nightmares have been super scary. Dreams very convoluted. Last night, though, I dreamed I had given birth to this baby. It had been a natural birth, it was a girl, she had been born at 38 1/2 weeks, and had weighted 3.250 kg. A very precise dream! I'm writing it down  in case it comes true :P oh, and my mom was VERY INSISTENT we called her Georgette. LOL, what the...? We'll see, I guess.

GEORGETTE IS DEFINITELY NOT ON THE TABLE THOUGH.

Week 12

Here we are approaching the end of the first trimester! This pregnancy is going by so fast, despite how much more laid back I'm being than with the first. I have had very little work this past month -not to speak, besides, of the work I let slide and go away because I wasn't feeling well and didn't care about it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because holy molly, do we have things to pay for this month- so I have mostly hung out at my parents place, taken naps, felt sick and nauseous, played with Elias and be moody.

Hormones are a difficult, difficult thing. I am still not out of the woods with the nausea and reflux, and if past experience is any indicator, reflux is here to stay for the next 6 months, and I'm cranky and moody and sad for no reason, or, maybe not for no reason, but feeling sick for two straight months hasn't done much good for my disposition. Poor Cookie has been dealing as he can. I have felt better these past few days, at least health-wise, so I hope my mood improves too! I am feeling the nesting, too. Nghhh. Want to.. build furniture... paint rooms.. fix house...

We saw the doctor last Friday. The baby is looking good! It moved and waved a bit, was measuring a day behind, though at this point it was hard to measure the size by either the vaginal or external ultrasound. Next month we'll probably find if it's a boy or a girl. I'm still nervous and will probably will continue to feel nervous all the way to the 20 week anomaly scan. And then after that, I'm sure I'll feel nervous until we hit viability, and then all the way until the baby is born, anxiously counting kicks and terrified of something happening. Buttttt. Despite my absolute neurosis, I gotta say I think I'm much calmer this time around! IMAGINE WHAT A WRECK I WAS LAST TIME. But we're nearing the end of the first trimester, so miscarriage is less and less likely with every week. I know, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about the worst that can happen all the time. I know this state of anxiety will lead me to PPD and PPA again. I don't think I can control it, though. I have had several talks with my SIL, the one who went through hell to bring her daughter to term after 5(6?) miscarries, and she keeps telling me I have no reason to believe something will go wrong. That I have to relax. No warning signs. All is well. RELAX. And I feel like, how can I let go? How do you let go?

I think I should probably try yoga this time around. Last time I was being super tight with money because everyone talked about how expensive babies are and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, and financial security has always been this huge thing for me, the room it gives you to breathe, that I decided no to spend money on yoga classes. But... PPD and PPA were hell. And I've read that you are more likely to have them if you already had them once, AND that having anxiety during pregnancy is also a big factor for PPA. Perhaps some centering and exercise can help?

Things that are different this time around:
-I'm not so concerned about money. Yes, babies come with their share of expenses. But last time I had nothing and clothes and baby stuff made it's way to me through friends and family, I know what we need and what we don't, we have all our cloth diapers, I know I can exclusively breastfeed barring any health complications. And newborns are tiny. They don't need a lot, not really. And the rest of the stuff, you have time to figure it out when they are born and they grow and actually need stuff.

-I have actually lost weight this month. Gahhhh. The nausea has been incapacitating some days, thankfully just a handful, but in any case I can't stomach a lot of foods so this month I actually lost a kilo instead of putting any weight. I started at 58 (I think? 59 maybe?) and was at 63 after the holidays (stuffing my face during the holidays is a tradition!! I was not giving that up!) and this past Friday I was down to 62 kg. The doctor says she doesn't think I'll put as much weight this time around since I have to be after Baby Peanut, so I'm more active. She might have a point!

-My blood pressure has always been kind of low, but these days it doesn't take much to lower it to the point where I feel dizzy and out of breath and my heart rate skyrockets. I don't remember this from the last time around.

-I'm already showing a little bit! Kind of saw that coming given that it's my second pregnancy and that Baby Peanut's pregnancy gave me diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles kind of tore appart and you could fit three fingers between them, like.. I can't explain it. It's weird and it was super painful while I was pregnant.) I have already been told I will need surgery to repair the muscles at some point. I think I looked almost normal by 6-8 months postpartum, so I think my muscles kind of recovered? but anyway, I have a small belly at 12 weeks. It's cute! I'm enjoying it!

-Oh, not new, probably, but last time I had no way of knowing if I was crazy (my doctor would say yes, definitely crazy) or I could actually feel the baby moving at 11 weeks or so. I can now say I have never felt those tiny popcorn popping taps but when pregnant. I felt them at 10w3d this time around. I know, too early. Can't be that. Must be gas. I am pretty sure I know how gas feels at this point, though (awful, it's hell, gahhhh) and those? Not gas. I don't feel them all the time or every day, just sometimes when I'm laying down. Tap tap tap. Tap. It's very awesome.

Baby Peanut still doesn't seem to get anything when I try to tell him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he is the best baby in the universe. It's been a difficult month of tantrums and separation anxiety with me, he's more and more willful every day, but.. I think it's also developmentally normal. His dad gets so exasperated because he doesn't seem to be listening most of the time, and looks like he is ignoring us when we tell him something. Specially if he's looking at something at the TV *eyerolls* I WONDER WHOM HE RESEMBLES. I told him this morning that Baby Peanut is just operating at a different speed from us, and that he has to make sure he has his attention, and then.. wait. And wait some more. And yes, sometimes he's ignoring us because what we want doesn't align with what he wants, so.. it's easier to ignore us. But I think that's just a maturity thing, a mechanism. I can repeat myself and help him do what I need him to do, and sometimes it makes him cry, but... I think in time he will understand? And I know everyone, not just kids, functions at different speeds. It's just a personality thing. I get exasperated with Cookie ALL THE TIME because he takes forever to do things I ask him to, and sometimes waits long enough that he forgets to do them entirely. He got a bit offended with me when I said that, ooops. But... maybe he'll think about that and be a bit more patient with the baby.

I suppose I should get back to work. I'm currently making 3D visualizations of my brother's fixer upper. It's not very interesting work, and I'm kind of DONE working with family, but we're just getting started to work on his new house. So. I'll be there for the next 3-4 months, I think. I've been at my SIL's house for the past 3 months. And before that, 5 months at my BIL's house. I reaaaally don't like mixing family and work. SIL's house has been... not the best of experiences. But I'll be over soon. They are happy with the work that was done, so that's good. I need to finish my brother's visualizations so I can start working on a design for a house. Cookie and I are going to attempt to build and sell a house. We already have a property! We are finalizing the paperwork, but it's ours. I am unsure we can make this work financially, so I have to be super diligent with both design and budgeting, and then a hawk at construction. But... even if I realize it won't work when I budget it, at least the money is no longer at the bank. Our economy is not very reassuring right now. I know we have a couple of difficult years ahead of us, between Trump's foreign policies and our own upcoming elections. So I hope... I don't know. I hope everything turns out right. It's a scary time to be bringing a new life to the world.

Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

The end of the MBA!

I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished!  Last week I turned in the last final projects,  and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA!  All that is left is doing the English accreditation,  which  I should have done forever ago but I haven't,  and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis,  which is my current dilemma,  but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!

 I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother,  who helped me get through this.  It never felt like it was ever the right time,  I never had enough time or enthusiasm,  was never fully in an academic mode.  I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation,  but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best,  but it wasn't just hard,  it was a sacrifice.  I had never felt like that before.  It probably sounds super dramatic,  but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders,  that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.

The dilemma right now is,  there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class,  based on our final project,  to turn that into the thesis.  It sounds like a good idea,  except the class was awful,  the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I...  I really want to finish,  but I don't know if I want that.  I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid,  so I'm worried about taking the "high road"  and just not finishing.

I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture,  mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine.  There used to be one,  but it moved to a much smaller city in the state,  and we wonder why.  In any case,  glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.

Work is okay.  November was insane,  since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands.  She's now fine,  thank God, but it made everything  really hard and packed.

I continue to struggle financially.  Nothing new there,  though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment.  For no particular reason,  really!  I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having  the financial security my parents have.  And he made me realize that's dumb. One,  because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs,  no matter how gradually.  And two,  because we are not in a void.  My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build,  and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever.  They helped each other every day of their lives,  and they he'll their brothers and sisters,  and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days.  And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that,  so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed.  Because it's never as hard as we think.

I also found a new home for Ahri,  he dog I rescued!  Right on Thanksgiving,  too!  She  was adopted by three roommates,  they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways.  I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!

Baby Peanut is a delight,  though he has been sick this past month.  Nothing serious,  but he hasnt been feeling great,  the poor thing.  He is loving Christmas this year,  all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations,  the stores...  He is so gleeful!  I'm loving this time of year with him.

Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby.  It's mostly just not preventing at this point,  since it's hard to keep a much more active love life.  Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have.  But we'll see!  Maybe!  I'm excited!  I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35,  we should probably get on the program.  And he said yeah,  we probably should,  and then just stopped preventing.  And here we are!  I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky,  so we'll see.  I'll keep you posted!

A year and a half

Baby Peanut is so 18 months old!  A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week,  since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).

What's new?  Well,  he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars.  He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall.  He loves to dance.  He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah!  Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night,  though he asks for milk once a night usually.  But his bottle is right there so. . .  Easy peasy.

It hasn't made much of an impact in my life,  the change in sleep.  I thought it would,  but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better.  I am not particularly better rested these days.  I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship,  though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while,  I was crying over everything,  having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal,  though.

I tried St.  John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.

I am feeling very desperate these days,  though,  about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off.  December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that.  I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean.  I have tried,  but every month is something different that is a money black hole.  The robbery,  the dogs,  this month is the car insurance,  next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . .  I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.

The MBA is four weeks from being over.  I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is.  I should be doing homework right now,  instead of writing here,  but I felt like crying.  This week I got an assignment turned back,  the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over,  because it doesn't fit the content of the week.  Except it does,  he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them.  I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back,  because obviously it would make him lose face.  So fuck me instead,   right?  I can do useless homework all day.  The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen.  I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it,  how can any teacher do what he us doing.  Just.  Why bother with any of this.

I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday.  I know what the long term plan is.  But knowing is not helping me get through this.  My day to day feels like such a struggle,  the long term just doesn't carry  much weight right now.

My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose,  and had to have surgery.  Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands,  and it's very clear to  me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried.  But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort.  I just. . .  Can't.  Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass.  But I need to draw a line somewhere.  I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.

Being in debt makes me crazy.  Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it,  not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work,  but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . .  I know plenty of people have it worst than me.  I know this.  I am fine.  I can pay this debt.  I am healthy.  I have a beautiful family.  I have the support of my loved ones.  Please,  God,  just let me stay one step ahead of this madness.  Help me find my peace.  Help me be patient.  Please,  God.

I can't do it all.  Help me figure this out.

Sudden weaning and the mourning of our breastfeeding relationship

Well.

This was a weekend indeed.

Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around.  When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.

You know where this is going.

So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously,  I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around.  I kept thinking of the Bible,  of all things.  "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine,  you did for me." So we had a family discussion,  in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house,  or pay for more vet bills,  or take in all the dogs I ever run into)  and I just fell into a hole of despair.

When we left it was raining a lot,  and we couldn't find the dog.  My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking...  She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.

So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much).  So I did.

I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay,  not even too thin,  and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly.  We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana.  It went...  Okayish.  They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay,  more like from Odin to  Lana,  Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother)  but things have been okay.  I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection.  Expensive vet bills and all,  I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.

Anyway.

On Sunday we were piled together in bed,  me,  Cookie and the baby,  both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA.  Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower,  and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm.  I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS)  and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby.  We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case,  because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.

Shit.

And because of the meds,  I had to stop breastfeeding.

I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end.  I am...  So,  so sad.  It's so hard to give this up,  I am not prepared.  I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and...  Now it's over.

In theory we could start over in two days.  But..  I don't think it's fair to him,  to ask him to wean twice.

This was the most difficult,  rewarding,  amazing thing I have ever done.  It was bigger than me,  it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.

Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.

No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.

There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.

But oh, we will never be one again in this life.

End of summer

Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half.  How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day.  Poor dude,  I guess he's tired.  He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after  the burglary.

I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while.  It's weird,  I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place.  So I guess he has been improving!  I don't think I mentioned before,  but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old.  He can now eat cheese!  And yogurt!  And eat cereal with milk,  and pizza,  and cream,  and cake and chocolate and just anything  he sees!  Which means that so do I!!! That was a big,  nice change.  He loves  ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt.  I still try to keep him from eating crap food,  but I don't like forbidding foods,  I feel like it just makes them more attractive.  He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake,  so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.

Sleep is still fractured.  He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way,  so it was hard for a couple of weeks.  But before that,  I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being,  cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all,  so obviously he was making up with night calories.

I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep.  I am sleeping two or three hours between takes,  so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago.  I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed,  unless I spend the night with him on it.  It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week,  but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy.  So I either climb back down with him or pull him into  our bed again.  Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it.  It's not worth the trouble.

Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep.  Or,  I guess it's more accurate to say,  Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out.  Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it.  I don't even mind,  to be honest,  I don't know what the big deal is.

Do I wish he had weaned by now?  Maybe,  yeah.  It would be nice to wear all of my clothes,  regardless of the ease of access to my boobs.  I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep.  But I also love cradling him like a baby,  and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs.  I love his heavy,  sweaty little body.  I am in awe of how fast he's growing,  how big he is,  how smart and human he is.  It's such a short stage,  even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD,  like,  capital HARD  and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know,  an entire human being  is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis,  what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea.  But it's so short.

Almost a year and a half is gone.  When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough?  Am I producing enough milk?  Did he pee and poop enough today?  Is he breathing?  It was so exhausting.  I was worried about his survival all the time.  Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies,  pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess.  It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress.  I do my best to let him be.  He's turning out to be a joy of a little person.  This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man?  I never thought I was capable of so much love,  never knew I was this strong.

Cookie and I are doing much better too.  There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May.  We do what we can, we take care of each other,  we make it through another day.  I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming,  inexplicable,  but also a conscious,  faithful decision.  We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.

To the mom in the park

We met yesterday at the park,  you with your husband and your 14 month old and me with  Cookie and our 15 month old.  You looked younger than us,  and you seemed worried about everything about your baby.  When our husbands went off to catch pokemons (the real reason we were all there)  you asked me how old our baby was,  two years?  And worried about how small your baby was,  how thin,  and asked if our baby was in daycare.  How you were going crazy staying in all day with him,  but you couldn't decide if it was a good idea to part with him.  You worried about how little he spoke (I know I worry about that too  and your baby had more words than Baby Peanut)  and confessed,  with almost an apology,  that he had always been breastfed and was still breastfeeding.

Mom At the Park,  I wanna tell you,  your baby is perfect.  I'm not saying this in a bullshitty  way,  like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are,  too,  says my instinct and my heart).  But he spoke well,  he had great coordination,  he shared rocks with Elias,  he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw.  Your baby is developmentally normal.  Perfect.

Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones.  Stop worrying.  Don't apologize,  and certainly not to me,  a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.

I know I worry too.  I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight  too,  because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet...  He's meeting his milestones.  He's happy and crazy and fine.  Sure,  he's big,  compared to your baby.  Or your baby,  he's small,  compared to mine.  But did you see them compare each other?  They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff.  They grow.  They play.  They are happy.

Let's not worry so much,  you and I.  I didn't mention,  because I felt a little weird,  but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday.  Your baby is adorable and perfect.  You are doing a great job.

I know it's hard to believe.  But I think we both are.

Everything changes but stays the same

The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules.  Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep,  since he can climb down from it or up to our bed,  but really,  is not even  that bad.  I like that he can lay on his bed,  get up,  climb down,  play around,  climb back.  I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows,  around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.

Sleep is the same.  He keeps waking every hour and a half.  Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night.  He is sleeping longer naps,  though,  which is good!  From an hour to two and a half,  depending on how hot it is,  where he is sleeping,  noise,  etc.

Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months,  breastfeeding was just about being dependant,  nothing else.  I keep telling myself,  you know,  it's not personal,  it's not about you,  it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her,  but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is.  It's hard to not feel judged.  I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common,  but it's hard to hear things like that,  like I'm doing him some psychological harm.  Or the implicit idea that I'm weak,  because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why,  surely,  he doesn't sleep through the night.

It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night.  I have tried giving him a heavy dinner,  massages,  letting him cry,  singing him to sleep instead of nursing him,  putting him in his pen and walking away,  staying with him,  putting him to bed earlier,  later.  Everything I can think of.  Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just..  Nothing.  And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else,  all other aspects of his life, he's doing great.  He eats great,  he's very social,  loving,  gentle, silly and fun,  he's growing well,  he's healthy and happy...

He doesn't sleep well.  He's still nursing at 14 months,  with no weaning in sight,  no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean,  but haven't managed it). On my calmest days,  I say,  he'll sleep when he sleeps.  He's so big already,  this is what's left of his baby hood.

On my bad days,  I feel defeated,  embarrassed,  tired,  a failure of a mother and wife.  Because yes,  I wish he would sleep.  On his bed.  All night.

But all we have is today,  this reality we live in,  and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it.  I must let it go.  Be here,  present,  today.  Enjoy his baby hands on my breast,  his twinkling eyes,  his heavy little body on my own,  and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom.  One day it will be gone,  and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy.  I don't want to spend it suffering.

I will try to have more good,  patient days,  and let go.