The state of this anxious mind

I'm starting to feel like there is no more time for anything. The baby will be here in 10 weeks, at most. Work is not finished or close to, so I'm thinking about dropping whatever is left. But then... I am so broke, it's been a couple of expensive months between baby preparations and our trip to the beach. I don't know what to do!

The master and building plans for a house I designed last year are almost done, at least. I am waiting on some info from the client, and from plans from the engineers. But my part is pretty much done, at least. That only leaves my brother's construction  which is.. Going OK but just not ending in time, and the restaurant/vineyard protect. This is the one I'm thinking of dropping. I hope I can ramp up my productivity the next two weeks or so. Whatever is left after that... Well. I guess we'll see. I just wish  could take a break!

I'm debating whether or not to have a baby shower. On the one hand, I don't really need much for this baby. On the other hand.. I feel a bit lousy not celebrating this baby too! If he was a girl I would probably have one, so... I kinda think I should plan something. My mom hates them so I feel awkward bringing it up. My friend P has offered help, so maybe I'll do the tacky thing and throw it myself with her help?

I bought a new car seat for Peanut this week so I can wash and prepare his old one for baby Oz. I also finally sent the designs to the carpenter for Peanut's bed and for baby Oz's side sleeper. I hope we'll get them soon! Other than getting those things, I think we are mostly set. Peanut's potty training is going fantastic. We barely have any accidents, he's wearing underwear all day now and there has been no drama. He just goes! I'm so glad he showed interest around the time we wanted to try and teach him. This should definitely teach me a lesson that it really is not about what I want but about what he is ready and willing to try.

Bedsharing has been uncomfortable lately. Peanut hugs me most of the night or just has to be touching me somehow to sleep calmly. Which is very sweet, but also hot and not easy, specially this pregnant. I don't really want to fight him for this, though. I guess he feels like he needs the extra reassurance, and he'll sleep on his own when he feels he can. His new bed will put his mattress just 10 cms below ours, so I think that will help.

Nesting this time around feels like a lot of cleaning and decluttering and organizing. I am almost done organizing our closet, which I feel has never looked better. I bought pregnancy clothes that fit *me*, instead of using everything borrowed. That has helped my mood! If I never wear them again it's okay. I accept this might just be a one summer wardrobe, but feeling frumpy and wearing big, not-me styles was getting me down. Next on my decluttering list is my desk (ngggghhhh), our laundry room (ngahhhhhhh) and Peanut's closet. Maybe our kitchen, if time allows. It probably won't, given the state of everything else :S

This pregnancy has also been a bit different  in that I am not as hairy! Ha ha, no Chewbacca belly this time around. And the linea nigra is also much fainter. Still no stretch marks *crosses fingers* though so far I have put on 12.8 kg. Yikes.

I asked about the thesis revisions this week. I haven't heard anything from the school or my brother, despite seeing him pretty much everyday and getting his house-related texts a gazillion times a day, that oh yeah, they are bugging him about the finished projects. Like why haven't we turned them in. I got so frustrated!!! I haven't worked on it at all because we had a deadline and THEN we were supposed to get some input. I know I should still be working to finish it, I accept now that I probably won't finish it this year at all, but he could have at some point said "Hey, there is still time and they are expecting you to turn the finished project in the next two months" OR SOMETHING. When I said, well, so be it, I don't have time to finish it now, he was all "oh, you can still do it and send it to me in these next weeks". Hmmhnnmmhnmmm. Yeah no that's a) not a real deadline and b) I am swamped with work and so damn pregnant and I can't really write half a thesis in the "next weeks" however many weeks that might be. 2? 3? 6? Gah. I feel so frustrated and like such a failure. I know I'll get around it. Sometime. Probably next year, when Peanut starts kindergarten so baby Oz can stay with my mom. I don't know what work will look like for a while, with both babies in tow. I can't really leave them both with my mom, so. I assume I will stop working for a while, or at the very least take it very slow.

Things not unlike the first pregnancy? How scared I am for what the future will look like. It's weird, it's like mourning my current identity all over again. I didn't think it would be that different, but... The unknown is always scary. I am so excited for baby Oz though. I can't wait to meet you little one. Mommy loves you so much already.