Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

Back from our vacation, time for some perspective

I haven't posted in a while so I'll try to do a quick recap:

We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents,  it all well pretty well. No one said anything,  just a few not super happy faces.  Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony.  He was the only baby cc crying,  nonstop,  for 45 minutes.  THAT SURE WENT WELL.

After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration,  half birthday party.  We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law.  All went well and was very tasty!

The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli.  He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?

We had a week and a half trip in early May.  We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them,  even if work did not relent even while I was away,  and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment.  We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them,  so it was nice.  And I got to see my brother too.  Flying with a one year old was...  Stressful.  And packed.  Not the easiest of endeavors.  But we managed and came back in one piece,  even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach -  I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well.  During our trip,  baby Peanut cut his first molar.  Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.

I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation.  It was uneventful.  Cookie forgot,  though after some drama he got me flowers the next day.  They were pretty :)

I also had my period that day,  the first one since I got pregnant.  Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant.  Meh.  But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!

Turning 31 kind of freaked me up.  I can't believe I'm over thirty.  I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.

Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now.  I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients.  The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish,  so it's a bit of a daunting project.  But things are moving forward this week.

I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week.  I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock.  I did pretty well in the last trimester,  so at least all those Sundays paid up.

I am feeling better after our trip.  I was..  Angry and disappointed while we were on it,  because I couldn't leave work behind,  because I couldn't go to the beach,  because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so,  still not over his casein intolerance,  still not night weaned,  etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods,  I managed to recharge.  I'm grateful l we got to go.

As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today,  I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now.  Of those,  7 years I've been a free agent.  I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like,  I have pretty much made it on my own,  and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had.  It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing,  and that's something to b  proud of.

Frayed at the edges

I guess there are only so many posts I can make about being depressed and dealing with the waves of anxiety that keep throwing me off balance, but here is one more.

The holidays are always a taxing time for me. Seeing so much family and meeting friends and going to Christmas' parties (which I bypassed entirely this year) usually means that by December 26th I'm really frayed at the edges. By the end of the year I am on the verge of screaming. I don't have much time to recharge and it's cold and I know it sounds so ungrateful, like, ugh, I have all this *family* and *friends*, but it's not that! I love seeing them, but my energy levels just plummet as the season progresses.

Add baby Peanut to the mix and our household is hella tired, including the baby. He's missing naps and going really late to bed and missing baths and his meds for the reflux and too excited to eat and skipping meals, getting up early to meet people, so many new uncles and aunts! So much love! It's awesome and I am so happy that he got to meet pretty much everybody, and that they met him and had a chance of spending time with him one on one. It's been awesome! And exhausting!

Tomorrow I'm starting the house addition I didn't want to start during Christmas' week. I don't want to start it tomorrow either. I took on another project for a facade as well. I don't know how to stop! I don't want to have so much work right now, but I don't think I can outright stop working. I feel overwhelmed and anxious and stressed, as is the usual lately.

A friend had a c-section last Monday. I am really glad that everything went really well, specially because she lost a baby last year. We were pregnant together for a while. She seems to be doing so well, she's so happy and seems so relaxed! I... I am envious of how quickly she bonded with her baby, of how together she seems. I feel like I'm falling to pieces while she breezes through the first week post partum. Of course I'm glad for her! I don't wish PPD/PPA on anyone. I wish I was more together, though.

I dropped my phone on Christmas Eve and broke the display. This has been one really expensive December. But, on the bright side, I saw all of my college friends this week. I had breakfast/lunch/dinner with them, and I saw Cookie's college friends as well. It was awesome. I felt loved and comfortable and laughed a lot. I am thankful. Here's to good friends, family, and a healthier 2016.

Last day of school

First, good news: my friend from school who had an aneurysm is improving. She's awake and talking and even sent a few texts to the school group. Which I think is amazing! I am so, so happy! At school we have gotten some activities done on her behalf, to help pay for the bills, and my 7th semester students rallied together after I asked them to help me organize an activity, and they really, really touched my heart. They are a group a wonderfully caring kids, I m really glad I got to see them work together like this before the school year ends.

On that note, this is the last day of classes! I am soooo grateful this is almost over. Next week we have exams, and at the other school I have two weeks left. But this is it. I made it. Anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, depression, I made it through one trying semester. Not as the best teacher I can be, not with the results I would usually wish for, not proud of all my decisions, but I Made It. I am taking a bow and retiring from teaching for a while, and it's bitter sweet, because I love so much about it. The look of interest, that bright eyed look when something clicks, their pride in their work when it's well done, the rush of adrenaline when I'm loving what I'm doing and I feel like I'm making a difference. But the other parts, the ones I don't care for, those have become too difficult right now to deal with.

I have an impossible time trying to not take it personally when they don't pay attention. When the work they deliver it's shit. When they ignore me, lie to me, whine and complain every step of the way. Dealing with The Powers That Be, trying to justify my poor results when I'm trying my best and the students just don't care. Having one group working great and one doing crap, unsure of what I'm doing wrong. Wasting time and energy, when they are just too tired/overwhelmed to listed to me, work with me, engage with me. Perhaps I was putting too much emphasis on Me, and not enough on what they can do by themselves. I felt like I tried everything I knew, and failed them. At this point of my life, when my own balance is so, so brittle, I can't afford to fail others because I don't have energy to spare trying to snatch victory from defeat.

The game is over, for now. I feel very relieved.

Elias is teething, again. Sort of? Last time the third tooth never came in, so it looks like we're dealing with it again. It's been a couple of rough days, where all he wants is to nurse and be held and cry. Poor baby Peanut. I really want to be there for him more. He's now mobile, not crawling but rolling from back to tummy to back to tummy as means of transportation. He is a delight, always laughing, giving hugs, shakily waving hello.

He wakes up in our bed, with sleepy eyes and damp hair. He turns to me and smiles. He lifts one chubby hand, and slowly waves hello.

Hello, baby. School is over. We can stay in bed a little while.

Sad and worried

This has been a very difficult week for people I love dearly. Monday we had a national holiday so Cookie stayed home and I only worked half a day at the renovations, and no school.

Tuesday I found out my best friend had been through emergency surgery. She texted me and said, "So, I was two months pregnant..."

Was.

It broke my heart. I can't put myself in her shoes, I cannot imagine the fear and the sadness. Everything happened so fast, it was so scary. She was bleeding and they got to the doctor, discovered it was an ectopic pregnancy, and had the tube removed in an emergency surgery, apparently minutes away from a ruptured tube. I am so sad for her loss. Thankfully she's recovering well.

On Wednesday another friend, one of the few people I befriended at school, had an aneurism. It's very serious and still touch and go. She's young and always seemed so healthy, such a happy and positive, sweet and relaxed person. She has an 9 month old baby boy and a 4 year old daughter. I am sick with worry and sadness, I hope, I pray, that she recovers.

I had not prayed in a long time, my relationship with God being very complicated. When we married by the church I promised myself I would try for real, not just to get it done. I tried for a while but... It's hard to be a catholic when you are more liberal minded. I keep falling off the wagon. But I've been trying again, lately (mostly because if we are baptizing baby Peanut I don't want to do it just to get it done, I wish I could really believe), and so, here I am.

I pray my friend recovers. Her family needs her so much. The world needs more people like her, good and joyful people. More, not less. Her baby needs her so much. I cannot imagine.

I pray my best friend recovers quickly, that God gives her strenght and love to deal with her loss, that she is able to have more children if she so wishes.

I pray for the sick, for my pregnant friends and family, for my family, for myself. I don't know if it's hypocrisy, to fall back into prayer when things get hard, I suppose it is.

I don't really know what else I can do.

Old beloved faces

We had an awful night last night. Baby Peanut woke up every two hours all night long, with a couple of stretches of 20 minutes between awakenings. I felt like I was losing it. Picking him up from the pack and play or from the bed can be kind of awkward -holy 17 pounds, baby!- and my back felt like it was going to give up.

After three students messaged me saying they were not making it to class today and a whole group telling me they were out on a visit and were going to come in late, I decided to skip school today. Screw it. I needed a break. So I went to order the day's construction materials after breakfast and then headed to my mom's. We went shopping for a baby chair, and I got an awesomeeee oneeee, and it was on sale, and we looked at clothes and mom bought a sweater and everything was really nice!

Then K sent me a message about how she thought the installation of the lighting fixtures was included on the budget, and it sent me into a tizzy of anxiety and thebudgetsayslightingfixturesarenotincluededaughnooaughaugh and that kind of destroyed my ability to decide if I should buy a baby bathtub or not. The one we have is my brother's, and his baby will be born in December and Peanut will be 8 months then so maybe I won't need a tub but then I don't want to shower twice every day also I always said bath time should be daddy time so *fizzles crackles explodes*

So I didn't buy the tub though I think I will be back to get it. We really won't have a changing station otherwise, and I don't want to rely on my brother not needing it to keep our routine.

Anyway! Wow, those were a lot of words about nothing. When I was going through my anxiety attack at the store, I also got a call from my best friend. He moved away a few years ago, then hooked up with one of the few real friends I've made after school and she moved away as well. They are in town! For a wedding! Surprise, did I want to have lunch? *fizzles crackles explodes with happines* I can't even begin to explain how good it is to see them, how much I miss my friends. I've been super lucky and I have seen all but one of them this year. It always hits me hard, realizing how lonely I feel when I say goodbye. These people, I chose them, and they chose me, and we work to keep our friendships going. It's not about the convenience of seeing each other at work, not the forced friendships of routine. These are my *friends*. I miss the hell out of them, and I'm incredibly lucky to have had a day with them, amidst so many difficult days.