Can't say I'm surprised

On Thursday I turned in all the end of semester paperwork, grades and whatnot. I also finally succumbed to a cold on Wednesday evening.

This poor body has been pushed and abused quite a lot for the past few months (if you count pregnancy as abuse, and maybe it does, then over a year) so I'm not surprised I finally came down with something. I gotta say, it was a long time coming, and it happens often that once I'm out of the thick of stress I come down with anything that's floating around. Cookie woke up with a scratchy throat today (also not surprisingly, but he was sure his immune system would prevail) but at least baby Peanut is not sick. I hope my milk protects him, because he's being a handful as it is.

I think we just started the 8th month development leap, and it hasn't messed with his nightsleep too much (yet, I am sure the sleep regression is just around the corner), other than a couple of nights where he woke at 4:30 ready to play but I manage to get him back to sleep around 5 or 5:30, mostly without intervening. He has sort of dropped one nap (nooo), the really early one, the one I used to get breakfast while he slept. So it's been a week of transitions. He has, though, stabilized his sitting so he can now hang out on the floor without much danger, he's starting to use the pincer grasp, he's very mobile rolling and sort of scooting around (mostly backwards),  and this week he signed milk and more for the first time! I haven't seen the more sign, though my mom has, while feeding him, but he's signing milk while he breastfeeds almost every feeding now, and last night he signed it when we were about to get him in the tub, when I knew he was hungry. So, yay!! I don't think I'm imagining things!

I haven't signed consistently since I wasn't sure I was getting through him, but I am determined to sign more things more often! Hopefully the signing will help with the newfound communication "skill" he's developed: screaming bloody murder. It sounds like we're killing him and it depletes our patience in like two seconds. Nghhh. I know he's frustrated because he wants to do things but he can't yet, and his brain is going much faster than his chubby body, but boy can he scream.

It's been a whirlwind of a week with him, specially while I'm under the weather, but work is slowing down a bit. H&C's house is doneeee, my parents' bathroom is doneeee, the industrial park zoning project is doneee (and paid!) so I'm only dealing with Mrs. T's renovation right now and two projects, the office remo one that is still kicking my ass (mostly because I don't want to do it) and a new project for one of Cookie's coworkers, a facade redesign for an old house. I haven't even started that one. I'm trying to take it easy a bit, though I think once I kick this cold I'm just going to feel much, much better than I have in months.

Fingers crossed.

More goodbyes

My architecture students did their last exam today. I graded final projects and exams and gave them a last goodbye. Tomorrow, if I can finish filling out paperwork and grading, will be my last day at both schools, and even then it's just turning in grades.

So, more or less, it is over.

I tried to be inspiring and give some good advice. I tried as I could, given my mental state, to be fair and give them my best. I find myself feeling sorry I wasn't a better teacher. It was a disservice to my students. I wish I could talk to myself back in June, or July. Tell her that she was allowed to say no.

I am going to work on that, saying no. No to all the things that aren't adding to my life, that aren't fulfilling, that aren't needed. I need to say no to people, no to friends that are not looking out for me. I need to say no, and let go of things, and move on. Close doors and then forget about them, instead of wondering what was behind them.

Yesterday I took Elias to a photoshoot. I decided to buy one on an impulse, and I ended up not planning anything special for it. He was adorable and well behaved and I enjoyed the moment a lot. We took some pics of him breasfeeding, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. He has been such a gift. He is teaching me so, so much, it's such a cliche. But he is an amazing teacher.

I finish my teaching season feeling less than amazing, definitely humbled, but proud that I honored my commitment and that in the process, I learned more about myself than what I managed to teach. I hope at least some of that awareness shone through my depression and they got something out of it.

Last day of school

First, good news: my friend from school who had an aneurysm is improving. She's awake and talking and even sent a few texts to the school group. Which I think is amazing! I am so, so happy! At school we have gotten some activities done on her behalf, to help pay for the bills, and my 7th semester students rallied together after I asked them to help me organize an activity, and they really, really touched my heart. They are a group a wonderfully caring kids, I m really glad I got to see them work together like this before the school year ends.

On that note, this is the last day of classes! I am soooo grateful this is almost over. Next week we have exams, and at the other school I have two weeks left. But this is it. I made it. Anxiety, stress, sleeplessness, depression, I made it through one trying semester. Not as the best teacher I can be, not with the results I would usually wish for, not proud of all my decisions, but I Made It. I am taking a bow and retiring from teaching for a while, and it's bitter sweet, because I love so much about it. The look of interest, that bright eyed look when something clicks, their pride in their work when it's well done, the rush of adrenaline when I'm loving what I'm doing and I feel like I'm making a difference. But the other parts, the ones I don't care for, those have become too difficult right now to deal with.

I have an impossible time trying to not take it personally when they don't pay attention. When the work they deliver it's shit. When they ignore me, lie to me, whine and complain every step of the way. Dealing with The Powers That Be, trying to justify my poor results when I'm trying my best and the students just don't care. Having one group working great and one doing crap, unsure of what I'm doing wrong. Wasting time and energy, when they are just too tired/overwhelmed to listed to me, work with me, engage with me. Perhaps I was putting too much emphasis on Me, and not enough on what they can do by themselves. I felt like I tried everything I knew, and failed them. At this point of my life, when my own balance is so, so brittle, I can't afford to fail others because I don't have energy to spare trying to snatch victory from defeat.

The game is over, for now. I feel very relieved.

Elias is teething, again. Sort of? Last time the third tooth never came in, so it looks like we're dealing with it again. It's been a couple of rough days, where all he wants is to nurse and be held and cry. Poor baby Peanut. I really want to be there for him more. He's now mobile, not crawling but rolling from back to tummy to back to tummy as means of transportation. He is a delight, always laughing, giving hugs, shakily waving hello.

He wakes up in our bed, with sleepy eyes and damp hair. He turns to me and smiles. He lifts one chubby hand, and slowly waves hello.

Hello, baby. School is over. We can stay in bed a little while.

Teeth invasion

Two weeks ago I took the baby for his shots and had his 6 months visit with the doctor. He said the teeth weren't giving any signs of coming out yet, but that they could crop in a matter of days at any time. This was on Thursday, by Sunday the first tooth had broken his gums! Poor baby was all sorts of crabby. Next friday, bam! Second tooth! Yesterday I thought I saw a third tooth coming in, the first of the top ones. It's like baby Peanut hit six months and decided to Be A Big Boy in a matter of weeks!

There have been a couple of biting incidents. Not cool at all. Baby Center is all "babies that are properly latched and eating can't really bite because their tongue is covering their teeth" but keeping a wriggly baby eating and well latched at all times is not really possible. So. A couple of bites and mama is a bit paranoid.

I'm having a stressful (haaaa!) time with work. K's house is finished in theory but she decided that there are a dozen issues now, that my work has been unprofessional and that charging her for it is very unfair. After seven months. After everything is finished. She owes me around $180 dlls, which makes this the stupidest problem. I just want her to accept that the job is done, if she doesn't want to pay I don't even care anymore, but she also keeps stalling a meeting to see all these issues she has. It's been two weeks since she decided everything was wronnnngggg but she hasn't agreed to see us any day. This morning was to be it, but she excused herself very very early today and has not appointed a new time. It's driving me crazy. It makes me really sad. I know for certain that I did the best I could. I know things aren't perfect, because nothing ever is, but to the extent of my habilities I did my best. I wish she could see it.

H&C's house is alsoooo not finished because the electric door people have nooottttt finishedddd and it is going to drive me insane, to have all these things just hanging on forever. Work with Ms. Prado is going well, if a bit glitchy, and I'm starting a new job today, a cosmetic remo and some repairs for Ms. T. I am hoping so hard that all this work will be done by Christmas so I can take some time off.

I finally told my area heads at both schools that I won't return next semester, and they were very nice. They said I could return whenever I wanted, and one of them even offered to take over my class right now if I needed the mental space. I want to do things right and finish the semester, but knowing he understands makes a world of difference.

We are five weeks away from the end of the semester. One of those weeks is finals so I keep telling myself I just have to make it through another month without blowing up, and we'll be done. My students aren't helping much, though, whining and complaining every step of the way. I know I have been doing much of the same, but I feel like I'm gritting my teeth through every class with them, I see no glimmers of passion or interest. I brings me down, specially giving that it's my favorite subject to teach, Lanscaping. But I just feel like the biggest nerd, super excited about permaculture and companion planting and rain gardens and everyone looking like ughh, when will she let it go? And there's few creatures better than a 19 year old at throwing disdainful looks. It shouldn't matter to me! I'm an adult! Right? ...it definitely gets to me, though.

I am dreading talking with the department heads at both schools to let them know I'm quitting. I know both will try to convince me not to, for different reasons, and they can be really pushy (which is how I ended with so many hours this semester). It's hard because, in theory, I love my classes. I love teaching. I loved teaching? I am not sure I have it in me anymore, though. I do know I need to take some time to work on my mental health. Which is the speech I'm working on, because it would be a shit thing to tell a teacher you neeed them to work regardless of their mental health, right?

A friend of mine went through PPD and is encouraging me to make an appointment with her psychiatrist. I keep thinking about it but not doing anything. I feel like, if I can find some time for myself, some of the anxiety will go away. So I think I'm going to give myself until January, see if I feel better or not, before going to a doctor for meds. By then I think I'll know for sure if I can work through this on my own. I do feel a bit more stable these days -we're back at having some sort of sleeping routine, so even if Peanut wakes 5/6 times a night, I'm sleeping better- but I'm usually exhausted and Cookie suffers for it. It's hard to not be resentful of his freedom. But I have talked about it a bit with him, and it helped, and he's trying to have us tag along with him more. Even if it's not freedom, at least is something of a social life, which is more than what I had.

Baby Peanut is beginning to be able to stay ib a sitting position for a short time, which xan be fun. He's a super happy and smiley baby. I love his silly face :3

One day closer to still not being done

The pergola at K's house got delayed again, but I'm crossing my fingers and hoping tomorrow will be the day. Today they were running late and I had to leave the keys to my partner, who couldn't meet them when they were finally ready and they didn't want to wait for her for an hour, so they rescheduled the installation for tomorrow.

The electrician fiiiinally made it to L's backyard, the other unfinished renovation, but after taking a look at the light s
witch a drizzle started to fall, so he rescheduled for tomorrow as well.

No one showed up at H&C's entryway construction today. It happens some mondays.

I did manage to prepare class and make it to my classes, so at least that's something! 9 more weeks! I am dreading informing both schools that I won't be returning next semester. I know the Design school will be short of teachers next January, so I think they expected me to take on more classes, not to step down, but I don't think my mind is in the right place right now for teaching.

I don't feel patient or inspiring, I don't feel particularly passionate about my classes or my job. I don't have much time to prepare classes or grade. And the running around trying to make it to the campuses at a set time regardless of the baby or whatever disaster of the week crops at the construction is driving me crazy.  I will miss some things, some of my students and the joy of talking about the subjects I really like. I love learning new things and passing them on. I love helping students when they are feeling low or conflicted. I will miss the academic feel, the contrast of the mental and emotional challenge of teaching with the physicial and practical challenge of construction. And I will miss the steady pay, the call of the siren for the freelancer in this unsteady economy.

I was very sad last December when I figured out I would not be hired in January because of my upcoming due date. I mourned the loss of that aspect of me, unsure if they would rehire me this Summer. It never crossed my mind that coming back was a mistake. The set is over and I'm half heartedly singing an encore. I hope I'll have a chance to teach again in the future, but for now I'm ready for the semester to be over.