More goodbyes

My architecture students did their last exam today. I graded final projects and exams and gave them a last goodbye. Tomorrow, if I can finish filling out paperwork and grading, will be my last day at both schools, and even then it's just turning in grades.

So, more or less, it is over.

I tried to be inspiring and give some good advice. I tried as I could, given my mental state, to be fair and give them my best. I find myself feeling sorry I wasn't a better teacher. It was a disservice to my students. I wish I could talk to myself back in June, or July. Tell her that she was allowed to say no.

I am going to work on that, saying no. No to all the things that aren't adding to my life, that aren't fulfilling, that aren't needed. I need to say no to people, no to friends that are not looking out for me. I need to say no, and let go of things, and move on. Close doors and then forget about them, instead of wondering what was behind them.

Yesterday I took Elias to a photoshoot. I decided to buy one on an impulse, and I ended up not planning anything special for it. He was adorable and well behaved and I enjoyed the moment a lot. We took some pics of him breasfeeding, and I'm really looking forward to seeing them. He has been such a gift. He is teaching me so, so much, it's such a cliche. But he is an amazing teacher.

I finish my teaching season feeling less than amazing, definitely humbled, but proud that I honored my commitment and that in the process, I learned more about myself than what I managed to teach. I hope at least some of that awareness shone through my depression and they got something out of it.