We are five weeks away from the end of the semester. One of those weeks is finals so I keep telling myself I just have to make it through another month without blowing up, and we'll be done. My students aren't helping much, though, whining and complaining every step of the way. I know I have been doing much of the same, but I feel like I'm gritting my teeth through every class with them, I see no glimmers of passion or interest. I brings me down, specially giving that it's my favorite subject to teach, Lanscaping. But I just feel like the biggest nerd, super excited about permaculture and companion planting and rain gardens and everyone looking like ughh, when will she let it go? And there's few creatures better than a 19 year old at throwing disdainful looks. It shouldn't matter to me! I'm an adult! Right? ...it definitely gets to me, though.

I am dreading talking with the department heads at both schools to let them know I'm quitting. I know both will try to convince me not to, for different reasons, and they can be really pushy (which is how I ended with so many hours this semester). It's hard because, in theory, I love my classes. I love teaching. I loved teaching? I am not sure I have it in me anymore, though. I do know I need to take some time to work on my mental health. Which is the speech I'm working on, because it would be a shit thing to tell a teacher you neeed them to work regardless of their mental health, right?

A friend of mine went through PPD and is encouraging me to make an appointment with her psychiatrist. I keep thinking about it but not doing anything. I feel like, if I can find some time for myself, some of the anxiety will go away. So I think I'm going to give myself until January, see if I feel better or not, before going to a doctor for meds. By then I think I'll know for sure if I can work through this on my own. I do feel a bit more stable these days -we're back at having some sort of sleeping routine, so even if Peanut wakes 5/6 times a night, I'm sleeping better- but I'm usually exhausted and Cookie suffers for it. It's hard to not be resentful of his freedom. But I have talked about it a bit with him, and it helped, and he's trying to have us tag along with him more. Even if it's not freedom, at least is something of a social life, which is more than what I had.

Baby Peanut is beginning to be able to stay ib a sitting position for a short time, which xan be fun. He's a super happy and smiley baby. I love his silly face :3