Damned if I do, damned if I don't

My stomach hurts and I feel an awful void when it's 8:20 am and I haven't eaten yet.  I try to take it slow.  Half a banana,  maybe some berries,  an apple.  Something to calm down my stomach while I make breakfast.  It barely lasts.

I make breakfast and I inhale it,  wolfing down eggs and bread,  tortillas and beans,  bacon or tamales,  whatever scratches my itch that morning.  I try not to eat too much,  but I am SO HUNGRY.

Then I start to feel queasy.  Not the nausea of an empty stomach anymore,  but the "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that"  feeling.  My stomach hurts,  reflux starts to flare.  I begin to bloat.  By the end of the day  I look four months pregnant despite not showing at all in the morning.  By noon I have that empty feeling again,  and the cycle starts over,  but I feel worse and worse as the day progresses.

I go to bed.  Wake up with reflux and nausea a bunch of times,  until in the middle of the night I wake up once feeling okay.  I feel relieved.  Maybe today will be easier on my stomach...

And then it starts all over again.

The first trimester is a tough bitch.

Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.

Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

Fortune on my side

*Crosses fingers*

December has been kind to me!  I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago,  saying my fees had been approved,  so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job,  I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!

I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work,  no shortcuts,  on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA.  Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well,  I hadn't bothered before- aaaand...  I had failed that class.  Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam,  and I knew I had done well.  Except...

I never saw the "next page"  button at the start of the exam.  So.  I answered only one third of the questions.

Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it,  except cry and take the class again next year.  I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything,  but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam,  instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform.  I am so thankful!!!  That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out.  I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief,  it was the stupidest of mistakes.

I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant!  I'm currently 7 weeks along,  so it's still very early,  but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day,  so...  Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test,  and everything  looked okay.  Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat,  so I'm hoping all goes well.

Cookie was rather surprised,  since he  thought we were safe.  I thought we were trying for a baby,  so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not  super excited at first,  but he's gotten around the idea and  think he's happy.  Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy,  more than usual,  and I'm really tired these days,  but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.

Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach.  I am not showing at all!!  Ugh,  it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public,  I did tell my family,  but..  I don't know.  I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now.  But here I am!  With the blog! But still..  Also:  the nausea,  the swelling (why so soon??),  the low blood pressure and the reflux.  I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around,  though I am also a lot more positive right now.  I am cautious,  but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can,  since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.

I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune!  Have a great new year,  everyone!

The end of the MBA!

I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished!  Last week I turned in the last final projects,  and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA!  All that is left is doing the English accreditation,  which  I should have done forever ago but I haven't,  and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis,  which is my current dilemma,  but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!

 I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother,  who helped me get through this.  It never felt like it was ever the right time,  I never had enough time or enthusiasm,  was never fully in an academic mode.  I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation,  but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best,  but it wasn't just hard,  it was a sacrifice.  I had never felt like that before.  It probably sounds super dramatic,  but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders,  that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.

The dilemma right now is,  there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class,  based on our final project,  to turn that into the thesis.  It sounds like a good idea,  except the class was awful,  the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I...  I really want to finish,  but I don't know if I want that.  I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid,  so I'm worried about taking the "high road"  and just not finishing.

I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture,  mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine.  There used to be one,  but it moved to a much smaller city in the state,  and we wonder why.  In any case,  glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.

Work is okay.  November was insane,  since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands.  She's now fine,  thank God, but it made everything  really hard and packed.

I continue to struggle financially.  Nothing new there,  though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment.  For no particular reason,  really!  I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having  the financial security my parents have.  And he made me realize that's dumb. One,  because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs,  no matter how gradually.  And two,  because we are not in a void.  My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build,  and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever.  They helped each other every day of their lives,  and they he'll their brothers and sisters,  and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days.  And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that,  so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed.  Because it's never as hard as we think.

I also found a new home for Ahri,  he dog I rescued!  Right on Thanksgiving,  too!  She  was adopted by three roommates,  they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways.  I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!

Baby Peanut is a delight,  though he has been sick this past month.  Nothing serious,  but he hasnt been feeling great,  the poor thing.  He is loving Christmas this year,  all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations,  the stores...  He is so gleeful!  I'm loving this time of year with him.

Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby.  It's mostly just not preventing at this point,  since it's hard to keep a much more active love life.  Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have.  But we'll see!  Maybe!  I'm excited!  I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35,  we should probably get on the program.  And he said yeah,  we probably should,  and then just stopped preventing.  And here we are!  I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky,  so we'll see.  I'll keep you posted!

A year and a half

Baby Peanut is so 18 months old!  A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week,  since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).

What's new?  Well,  he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars.  He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall.  He loves to dance.  He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah!  Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night,  though he asks for milk once a night usually.  But his bottle is right there so. . .  Easy peasy.

It hasn't made much of an impact in my life,  the change in sleep.  I thought it would,  but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better.  I am not particularly better rested these days.  I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship,  though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while,  I was crying over everything,  having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal,  though.

I tried St.  John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.

I am feeling very desperate these days,  though,  about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off.  December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that.  I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean.  I have tried,  but every month is something different that is a money black hole.  The robbery,  the dogs,  this month is the car insurance,  next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . .  I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.

The MBA is four weeks from being over.  I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is.  I should be doing homework right now,  instead of writing here,  but I felt like crying.  This week I got an assignment turned back,  the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over,  because it doesn't fit the content of the week.  Except it does,  he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them.  I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back,  because obviously it would make him lose face.  So fuck me instead,   right?  I can do useless homework all day.  The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen.  I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it,  how can any teacher do what he us doing.  Just.  Why bother with any of this.

I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday.  I know what the long term plan is.  But knowing is not helping me get through this.  My day to day feels like such a struggle,  the long term just doesn't carry  much weight right now.

My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose,  and had to have surgery.  Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands,  and it's very clear to  me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried.  But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort.  I just. . .  Can't.  Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass.  But I need to draw a line somewhere.  I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.

Being in debt makes me crazy.  Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it,  not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work,  but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . .  I know plenty of people have it worst than me.  I know this.  I am fine.  I can pay this debt.  I am healthy.  I have a beautiful family.  I have the support of my loved ones.  Please,  God,  just let me stay one step ahead of this madness.  Help me find my peace.  Help me be patient.  Please,  God.

I can't do it all.  Help me figure this out.

Sudden weaning and the mourning of our breastfeeding relationship

Well.

This was a weekend indeed.

Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around.  When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.

You know where this is going.

So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously,  I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around.  I kept thinking of the Bible,  of all things.  "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine,  you did for me." So we had a family discussion,  in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house,  or pay for more vet bills,  or take in all the dogs I ever run into)  and I just fell into a hole of despair.

When we left it was raining a lot,  and we couldn't find the dog.  My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking...  She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.

So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much).  So I did.

I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay,  not even too thin,  and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly.  We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana.  It went...  Okayish.  They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay,  more like from Odin to  Lana,  Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother)  but things have been okay.  I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection.  Expensive vet bills and all,  I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.

Anyway.

On Sunday we were piled together in bed,  me,  Cookie and the baby,  both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA.  Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower,  and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm.  I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS)  and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby.  We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case,  because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.

Shit.

And because of the meds,  I had to stop breastfeeding.

I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end.  I am...  So,  so sad.  It's so hard to give this up,  I am not prepared.  I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and...  Now it's over.

In theory we could start over in two days.  But..  I don't think it's fair to him,  to ask him to wean twice.

This was the most difficult,  rewarding,  amazing thing I have ever done.  It was bigger than me,  it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.

Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.

No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.

There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.

But oh, we will never be one again in this life.