2 months old

It's been a month since I last posted and wow was September kinda crap. I spent I think every weekend sick and in a particular on taking care of Cookie, who had a really bad case of food poisoning that ended with him getting dehydrated and needing a trip to the hospital to get an IV.

I had mastitis for the first time last month too. Never had it with Peanut, but a combination of factors seemed to end in the infection. Isaac started sleeping a bit longer (it didn't last, though he is starting to sleep 6 hours in a row again! I know sleep isn't linear so I'm not expecting this to last or progress to longer stretches, but anything can happen!). I wore a bra that was too tight. Isaac is a much less vigorous feeder than Eli, and likes my right breast much better than the left one, which is the one that produces more and the one that ended up with the infection. It was very painful and I felt really awful, like a really bad flu. I had to go to a different OBGyn because mine was out of town. It wasn't the best of experiences (though also not the worst). The doctor told me I got the infection because the baby didn't have a schedule for feeds, which is bullshit and goes to show that doctors most often than not know very little about breastfeeding. He prescribed me antibiotics and I got better over the course of the week. I managed to see my doctor later that week too and got my six week check up. All looks good! She also recommended a cream I had been applying on my breast, which is meant for milk cows. It works wonders! I ended up trying everything: the cow cream, the antibiotics, a mega dose of vitamin C, probiotics, hot compresses, hot showers, massages... I hope it never comes back!

The doctors (mine and the new one) pissed me off some. My doctor insisted quite a lot that I get an intrauterine hormone device. I don't want any hormones nor do I want an intrauterine device. I know people who had theirs migrate outside the uterus and required surgery to remove it. The doctor was so adamant about birth control I accepted a prescription for the mini pill, but I don't plan to fill it. What part of no hormones is hard to get? I've been learning the sympto thermal method and I said I would use condoms. My sex drive is non existing. Whyyyy did she need to be so pushy about the hormonal birth control? In the end she said "well I guess we'll see you in two years with your third pregnancy". Like that was a terrible thing (she didn't ask if that was in my plans or not), like clearly I couldn't keep myself from getting knocked up. Before that, the new doctor acted kind of disbelieving when I said I had mastitis. When he finished his check up he said "well, it looks like you correctly self diagnosed". As if it was such a surprise? I mean, can't a woman  be trusted to know her body? To research, to learn how to take care of herself? Ugh.

Anyway, baby Oz is doing great. He's a smaller baby than Peanut was, but he is putting weight at a great rate! He weights 5.600 kg at his two month mark. I am down to 66.6 kg today, so I still have over 7 kg to lose. Still, not bad for the two month mark. I'm finally wearing normal people clothes as of last week! My transition pants! I am done putting away the kids clothes and my maternity clothes and donating everything that didn't make the cut. I want to start painting the house, first outside, and then maaaaaybe the living area. It would be a lot of work so I don't know... Baby Oz feeds very often so even though I'm not doing much I don't have a lot of time to be productive.

I did a bit of work this past month and it looks like I might start a small renovation in a couple of weeks, though nothing is certain yet. I'm not really feeling ready to work yet, but I am trying to keep myself open to whatever comes my way. I am contemplating sitting down with Cookie to see if we can cut expenses and if it would be okay with him if I took a few months off work entirely to stay home. I doubt he would say no but I don't know if I can get myself to say no to work if it comes my way. I really want to get to the thesis too, I realize I need to get back to teaching (construction has been awfully stressing the past year and a half and the economy is pretty bad for the sector right now). So if I want to go back to teaching I *need* to finish my MBA for good. It just makes more sense now than it did a few months ago.

I also want more time to spend with the kids without worrying about anything else. Last night  a dear friend lost her pregnancy. I'm incredibly sad for her, and it sharply put things in perspective. These babies of mine, they need mom more than anything else. Work can wait. I will figure things out when they don't need me quite so much. Right now, they are all *I* need.

5 weeks old

Baby Oz is a month old already! What's the saying? The days are long but the years are short, man. Nights can be excruciatingly long, but come 6 am as the skies clear I feel a bit more resigned and let the day wash over us.

He's waking up at 1:30, 3, 5 and 7. On bad nights it's every hour. I decided this week to just get up at 7 instead of trying to sleep another hour. I'm going to bed around 10:30, but Isaac goes down around 8 pm. Peanut goes to bed around 10:30-11, so it's a juggling act. We're slowly developing a routine, so I'm feeling a bit more confident as the days pass.

Oz started to smile socially today! He has an adorable big smile, wispy crazy hair and a receding hairline that makes him look like and old man. He has light gray eyes and is putting on weight like a champ. Breastfeeding is going well! I gave up all dairy again and it hasn't been quite as hard as the last time. I am eating for four people, though, so I haven't lost much weight :/ I still weight 9.5 kg more than when I got pregnant (9 down, at least!), and I really
need to get my snacking under control.

Our sleeping arrangement is currently a huge family bed. Peanut isn't sleeping on his bed, so that single bed remains unused at the side of our king. He is sleeping in the middle of the king bed, snuggling up to me or his dad. Oz is sleeping most of the night in a cosleeper next to me, the rest of the night either on top of my chest or the crook of my arm. It's a bit crowded but also a really sweet feeling, laying down with my babies snuggling up. This season of life, I know it won't last. It will be over too soon, my boys won't remember how they would sleep wrapped around my arms. I will forget the details, too. How warm they are, their sighs, the softly whispered "mommy"  when all is dark, Peanut asking to be covered with a blanket. I will just say they slept with us, as if that was all there was to it.

So yeah, I am sleep deprived, as expected with a one month old. It's hard. But I also don't want to miss a single night.

17 days

Baby Oz is 17 days old (I think?) and being super cute and sweet. He's a very laid back baby, though he spends most of the day and night up in arms. No one is giving me grief about it tough, my in laws are as interested as I am in having a tiny baby bundled up in their arms. So it's been a sweet time.

It has also been a difficult time, physically and emotionally. Baby Oz has reflux and he complains most of by he night, the poor thing. I'm very tired, sleeping 4 or 5 hours a day. The wound hurts, my insides hurt, the recovery is going slowly. Peanut needs a lot of attention and love and I try to give him everything he needs to cope with the changes but it's difficult.

I feel grotesque, with my wound and my extra skin and the huge boobs. I smell bad, I am in all sorts of pain, my nipples leak over all of my clothes... It's hard. Cookie is trying to keep the flame on but... I just feel grotesque.

Breastfeeding is going very well  so I have that going for me. I really need some normalcy and my routine. Cookie goes back to work on Monday, so we'll slowly figure life out again then.

I love my boys in ways I can't explain. Baby Oz is teaching  me love is not a finite resource. I heard it all before, but the love can't be explained.

Im falling asleep as I type. Guess I'll keep writing later.

My ultimate hospital bag list

Today is out last day at the hospital, and for posterity (and in case I need a refresher a few years from now), here's what we really used and needed:

Baby wipes and diapers
Water bottles
Phone and chargers
Battery bank
Kindle
Glasses
Dried plums
Protein bars/snacks
Lanolin
Shampoo
Toothbrush
Baby nail clippers
Two pillows
Comb
Lotion
Mints
Lip balm
Pj's for Cookie
Underwear
Sanitary pads
Baby clothes in NB and 0-3 sizes
Baby blanket for ride home

I tried to use everything the hospital provided but they kept asking us for clothes for the baby, and allowed me to use pads and underwear. I don't remember that from last time around. I also didn't really use the nursing pillow, a small pillow was much more comfortable to have around the bed.
I don't think I need two changes of clothes, though. I will probably leave in the pants and shirt I wore coming in, since the dress I brought doesn't sound very appealing right now. Not a bad choice, just... I don't know. Less easy to move around.

I also brought nursing pads that were completely unnecessary, and this time I didn't bring a diary or a pen and didn't miss them at all.

I was in an LOT of pain last night and cried quite a bit because moving is so hard. I hope today is better. I am only getting oral acetaminophen now, so pain management is now what would be at home. I'm a bit afraid. But today I'm going home, and I'm seeing my dearest Peanut, so all will be better somehow. Can't wait to have our family together and have my boys meet each other. Isaac is such a calm baby, and he's so lucky Peanut has taught us so much. I can't wait to be their mom.

Birth story

Baby Isaac was born on Thursday 10th, in a pretty warm August day, at 9 am exactly. After a last day of errands and getting checked at the doctor's, we went to bed really late on Wednesday. At midnight we were still chatting in bed and trying to convince Peanut to go to sleep. He kept putting his little hand on his chest and saying "big brother". He also had quite a meltdown earlier, probably because he picked up on all my stress. We slept very little - Cookie probably about three hours, me maybe 5. Then we got up, got ready, and were out of the house by 6:20. We dropped Peanut with my parents -he was awake and cried when we left, clearly upset. It was so hard for me to leave.

We seldom talked about it but it was like the pink elephant in the room: Cookie and I were terrified that something might go wrong and that I could die. I was also terrified that something might happen to the baby and we might return home empty handed. Just. It's a difficult day, where we face our mortality really closely. So saying goodbye to Peanut was very hard, thinking... It could be the last time. I am so dramatic about this. But I know it's also a deep fear for Cookie.

We arrived at the hospital at 6:35, filled the entrance paperwork, got into our room. Turns out it was the same room I was with Elías! Room 202, the one in the corner. It was kind of cool, to be here again. I changed into a robe and around 7:15 they had me prepared and rolled me into the waiting surgery room. I met the anesthesiologist, Dr. Ramos, and the pediatrician on call, Dr. Andrade. The ped was kind of really brisk and not particularly warm, so I'm glad he wasn't on call when I had Peanut. This time around I'm a bit more comfortable and less afraid, so... I'm just doing what I know. Dr. Ramos was really kind. He gave me the epidural around 8:05, and I barely felt a thing. He stayed by my side the whole surgery and would give me the play by play of everything that was happening or would happen. He also let Cookie in when the cutting had started and took care of him when he was almost passing out. Poor Cookie. He didn't get to cut the cord this time, he almost fainted when they were cleaning the baby, says seeing the head come out of the open cavity was too much like they pulling an organ out of me. He recovered and we got to the pictures in the OR, though! Cookie left with the ped, and Dr. Ramos stayed with me, chatting me up and giving me druuugs. I found out then he is my Obg's husband, which was funny I didn't know before! She did a wonderful job and by 10:30 I was in the recovery room. It took me longer this time to recover, about an hour and a half, so I came into our room around noon. Cookie was pretty worried by then, since with Peanut I took about an hour less to be back.

I was in quite some pain and I still feel very sore. The afterbirth pains are probably the worst, though I have also been coughing a bit and it's THE WORST. I got up and walked a tiny bit yesterday evening, and I'm still pretty famished (I didn't get to eat or drink anything from 10:30 pm to 3:30 pm the next day, and then my only meal after that was half an apple and a plate of plain cereal with milk around 6). I brought some snacks from home so I had a protein bar for dinner but... Well. I am waiting eagerly for breakfast!

Baby Isaac weighted 2.950 kg and measured 52 cms long. He was born at 39 weeks exactly. Elías was born at 39 weeks and 3 days, weighted 3.560 kg and measured 50 cms. So I have a skinnier baby this time! My milk hasn't fully come in but I'm definitely producing, Isaac only had one ounce of formula before I came out of recovery, and has since been latching like a super champ and breastfeeding on demand (around every 3-4 hours). Between all the personnel checking on us and the feeds and the diaper changes (which have fallen entirely on Cookie this time) I had about 5 hours of broken sleep last night. I'm still pretty tired, but it's daytime, and I always feel happy when the day comes.

Eli spent the morning with my parents yesterday, then left around 1:30 to spend the afternoon with my mother in law. He went to sister in law's place and all the cousins had what looks like a great time! Then he went back to my parents house to spend the night and it looks like he didn't wake all night long and still sleeping! So... Yay! I miss him a lot.

Cookie has been the sweetest with the baby and has been taking care of me. I have felt kind of sad at being this impaired/disgusting (all my womanly glory right now is very bloody and awkward). But its so awesome to see him be a dad of a newborn again, without all the fear we had the first time around.

Breakfast is here! I am thankful for so much right now, our family, our friends, our healthy baby and my recovery. I actually cried when I saw baby Isaac for the first time! Such a difference from the emotional  distance and clumsiness I felt with Eli's emergency c-section. I hope PPD and PPA give me a break this time around.

Welcome home, little one. Mommy loves you so much.

All my ducks in a row

38 weeks and two days today! I had a visit with the doctor yesterday, and ended with a date for a c-section. So August 10th, that's our date with baby Oz! Can't wait to meet him!! Sadly, the pelvic exam showed no cervix maturation at all, it's still really high and long. Baby hasn't descended yet, even though he is in position, just... No progress. I have been having contractions on and off since Tuesday, walking a lot, been on hands and knees.. Done what I could to help him descend. But nothing yet. It's very unlikely that he will be born naturally before the c-section date, but it could still happen, I guess. I feel some what disappointed, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid of the c-section, but I know I can do this.

Baby Oz is measuring a week behind on his measurements, but seems to weight about 3.100 kg. So not that small! Amniotic liquid is still fine, and the placenta looks pretty mature and calcified. So... He is just about ready! I will be 39 weeks on Thursday, so. I think we are ready for showtime.

I haven't felt that great this week, between the heat and the awful swelling. My hands and feet hurt a lot, and I feel like someone kicked my public bone, just.. Sore all over. Plus the contractions, even if they aren't exactly painful, it's like mild cramps and lots of tightness. But I managed to get all my work done! I finished updating the plans for the vineyard restaurant and looks like I'll get that part of the job paid next week (just sent my invoice!). The house I designed with my friend P is done, we will meet the clients for the (hopefully) last time on Monday. I hope we get that finalized and paid, so that will only leave my brother left to pay. That makes me feel a bit less stressed! Work will be slow for a while and that is fine with me.

Cookie is right smack in the middle of his seasonal depression, though I know he is making an effort to be calm and cool at home, it's definitely making his life hard at work and just making him feel low and short tempered. But he knows what he is feeling and that it has nothing to do with anything other than his hormonal cycles, and I know it's not related to us or the baby or anything else, so hopefully we can navigate this without too much pain. He gets worse as August progresses, though, so we are just getting started. I'm gonna be a bit engrossed with the baby and Peanut, but I hope I remember he needs emotional support too. And that the circumstances pull him out of it a bit too!

So despite all my attempts... I didn't get much time to rest or get my house in order. But I managed some! I might still have time to sort my desk, even. Sadly, the thing that was completely relegated was my thesis. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it or finish it. I really hope I can have some progress on it by December, but who knows. I hope, as life changes again and everything falls back into a new place, I'll find time to close that chapter of my life. I think, if it's all harder than I think, next year when Peanut starts kindergarten, I'll have a chance to finish it. A year is a long time to go! But I would rather enjoy my babies than anything else.

I'm so excited! And scared! I hope it all go es well!

37 weeks

Time is going by so fast these last weeks! So much work left to do, and preparations, I am a bit of a worried mess. I had been feeling pretty good until the heat returned this week. My feet hurt so bad every time I stand up, and I have officially gained more weight than with Peanut's whole pregnancy. I'm 17.5 kg over my starting weight, which was 59 kg. With Eli I gained 17 kg total and started at 58, and he was born st 39 weeks and 1 day. So. I will most likely reach 19 kg by the end of this pregnancy :S I think a big part of that is water weight, my legs look like overstuffed sausages, no ankles left! It looks a bit scary by the end of the day, to be honest.

On the work front: vineyard restaurant on hold because they haven't paid the last advance. The house I'm working at with P is nearing the end of the project, next week we can turn it in, I think. Still not getting paid anywhere. My brother asked me for some time, and the new consultation I started this month for a construction company pays per client, but at the end of each process. So. Though I have seen six clients this month, I probably won't be finishing their process until October or so.

I did end up going shopping despite my attempts to curb my spending and its... Infuriating. I need better self control. I bought a toy for when baby Isaac meets Elías (that, or his Christmas gift, I might just pack it away), Christmas presents for one of my nephews (clothes), a birthday present for one of my nephews that turns 3 tomorrow (a lunchbox), lanolin for breastfeeding and a post partum belly lotion. Uhm, also some breastfeeding underwear and a blush, clearance winter pants and some clothes for both the kids, and two t-shirts for Cookie that I am super pissed about because I laundered them yesterday and they shrunk to the point where even I can't wear them. Wtf? So... Clearly I bought too much stuff. Even if it's things we'll use (and some we really needed), I'm annoyed at myself.

The whole Christmas shopping in July is maybe extreme, but I try to buy things on sale for my nephews and nieces because there are so many now! It looks like we will make a gift exchange this year, to reduce the amount of stuff they get, so I should be good for it now!

I took my car for a thorough cleaning today and will pick it up in a few, and then I'll install the baby seat. That's another thing off my list! I have my hospital bag ready, and next week will have people over to clean our furniture. On Friday I will head for an exam with the doctor and we'll check my cervix to see where we are. I am still hoping for a VBAC. Baby Oz weights 2.6 kg now, so he's smaller than Peanut was. I hope we can do it! The waiting is almost over!