18 weeks!

Today we are 18 weeks into this pregnancy, and the first Braxton Hicks construction just woke me up. Uhhh.. I don't  remember having them this weakly last time, but I don't really remember when they started.

I feel the baby move very lightly sometimes, which is different from baby Peanut's pregnancy. Then again, he always measured ahead, and this baby is measuring consistently to the day. We saw the doctor last week and to avoid any more "I guess the baby is asleep" moments, I had a bunch of mini chocolates before the appointment. Baby was very active! Everything looked okay, and we got to find out we are having a boy!! Baby Peanut is having a baby brother! I'm so excited!

Since then I think Cookie has connected with the pregnancy a lot the bit more. We had our fourth anniversary last week too, and some time alone, so that might have helped with his disposition too. He's also trying to be calmer around Peanut, all out of his own accord. Last Saturday he got really worked up with Elias because he had a bunch of tantrums while we were downtown (nothing terrible but not fun, his usual I am not getting to do what I want meltdowns) but then on Sunday we went to my in laws place and all of my nephews were hell. Just, so difficult and mean to each other and exhausting to be around, and Peanut was.. Peanut. Just, his bumbly, almost two year old playful self. And on by he way home he apologized to Peanut for losing it the day before, a said he was gonna try to be calmer because clearly Elias wasn't a brat. We are all a work in progress, I know!

I'm feeling a bit sad and annoyed because my mom said something last Tuesday that got to me. She always calls Peanut her baby, but Tuesday she called him her son in front of her sisters. I said, you know, no, my son. And she said, yeah, that's what you say. And... It makes me feel like I need to figure out a way to not leave Peanut so many hours under her care. I love her and I know she means well, but if she thinks that then s be probably thinks I am abusing her willingness to look after him? I'm struggling right now because I work a few hours in the morning and then I leave for another 3 hours for the thesis class. So yes, that's a lot of hours. I stayed on with Peanut yesterday morning but I couldn't get any work done so that's not a long term solution. I don't know. It makes me angry, to think she doesn't see me as my own boy's mom. But perhaps I'm just angry because it makes me sad that she (or worse, Peanut) might think that.

On the whole thesis subject, I haven't done a THING this week, which is terrible. I only have what is left of this week and three more before the class is over and the thesis has to be turned in. It probably won't be finished but it has to be mostly done or at least done to the bare bones. That... Man. I'm not sure I can do it. It's so much work  and my brother also wants the interiors of his house ready to be painted by the end of the month or the beginning of April. I'm a bit worried at this point.

Still. I'm going to take more time off today and take Peanut to the park and see the ducks. I feel guilty for all the time away I'm spending from him, and some time at the park will be fun, I think. Only one more month and the thesis will take less time from my afternoons, at least.

Early mornings

Poor baby Peanut is feeling sick and woke us up around 5:40, moaning in his sleep because of a fever. He had thrown up around midnight while Cookie was out with friends, so I called him and he came home running to help me cope (sick baby and cleaning vomit when I just woke up from a couple hours of sleep was.. Very confusing at the least!). When I tried to take his temp and give him meds he started crying uncontrollably and ended up throwing up again. We cleaned him up and undressed him and gave him meds and they fell asleep, but it was starting to be light outside... And when it starts to dawn, I get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and feel refreshed (even in five hours of broken sleep) and it's hard to fall back asleep. So. I'm just checking the Internet and laying down and listening to my loves sleep. It's  very nice and relaxing! I know this budding headache is gonna get worst and that I really will need to take a nap later, but for now the sun is up and everything will be okay.

Hello anxiety my old friend

Since I was at the OBG last week I've been running a low undercurrent of anxiety about the baby. Not seeing it move in the ultrasound is keeping me very on edge. I'm very afraid that his heart might have stopped beating sometime after that.  I can't seem to get beyond that thought.

Things are very tense between me and Cookie. I don't know if it's my hormones or just his usual february-march depression season,  but it's hard to get along. We always seem to have a much harder time getting along when there is no physicality between us, but it's a vicious circle. It's hard to want to be physical when you are annoyed or pissed at the other person all the time. I feel like he has very little empathy for what I'm going through (aka being pregnant, parenting a toddler and trying to finish the MBA, plus work), he has relapsed into not doing any house chores and he is a super grouch with Baby Peanut most of the time. All he worries about is taking Peanut out of our bed, and reaching him to sleep by himself. I don't see what the big deal is. He will, eventually. And also, other than complain, he hasn't come up with any strategies or plan or done anything to achieve it. So. It's mostly just complaining waiting for me to "fix" it. I shouldn't really complain this much, I know he's overwhelmed and he didn't really want another pregnancy (I didn't know it at the time, but it is what it is).

I'm tired a lot of the time and I fall asleep before 9 most days. I know we need to spend time together. It's really hard to find the time. I wish he was more excited about the baby, about Peanut. He seems like it's all such a chore. I suppose he's depressed, though he's never particularly expressive about our family. I don't know. It's bringing me down.

On the bright side, work is going okay and I'm slowly making progress on the thesis. I wrote two pages yesterday! Haha. I know it's not much, and I'm having trouble going over the academic papers on my subject, it's hard to stay focused... But I keep finding interesting data and sources, so I think that's also progress of a sort, even if I haven't read it yet. I need to write another two pages for today's class, so I should sit down to work... Soon.

Gotta find some motivation first...

15 weeks

So here I am! Second trimester, woohooo! I'm feeling much better. No more low pressure kicking my ass, much less nausea (only here and there, when I'm very tired or hungry), no heartburn *dances* not a lot of energy, really, still waiting for that to improve, but I'm definitely feeling better.

Yesterday I went to see the doctor by myself due to a vaginal infection. I know you were dying to know that. Anyway, as I was there, and the doctor asked if I had recently changed soap brands, I remembered that yes, I had, and also, this had happened with Baby Peanut's pregnancy too. I got a prescription soap (again) and some treatment. I am hoping it improves. I got to briefly see the baby. It wasn't moving at all so I freaked out, but the heartbeat was strong. I guess he or she was sleeping? Doctor said not to worry. But of course I'm worrying. I go back in two weeks to get proper measurements of growth, so... I hope everything looks okay then.

This is also my second week of the thesis seminar I'm taking. I went to the graduation ceremony on February 10th, and all that is left is WRITING THIS THESIS HELL YEAH. the seminar is 7 weeks long, so 5 to go. I.. Could be making faster progress I admit. But I am still on track with our assignments, so that's good! The seminar is really exhausting, though. I take it Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 4 to 6, but the traffic both ways is pretty bad, so it's an hour of very defensive driving that is almost as taxing as the class. My brother is teaching the class, which was news to both of us until the first day! It's a bit weird and maybe even uncomfortable for him? Not sure. But he's a good teacher and I am glad I'm with him and not someone else who's just half assing the seminar. I usually end up fast asleep before 9, though :S poor Cookie is not enjoying this time of our lives :(

Last week I also picked up Ahri, the dog I had rescued back in September. The owners no longer could care for her due to moving to a rental house with a no pets policy, though to be honest I think they just wanted to get rid of her. I don't think they enjoyed the responsibility and just found a good excuse to return her. It's been... A bit stressful at times, because Odin and Ahri are constantly fighting and trying to mount each other, but slowly things seem to be calming down. It's an improvement anyway of the situation we were in last time she lived with us, when I had to take Odin to my parents' place for two months because they couldn't be together. Odin was so obsessed with mounting her that he lost weight and had a doggie penis emergency. It was.. Not sustainable. This time around is more manageable. They have even slept inside several nights. In theory we will put her up for adoption again.

I kind of don't want to put the poor dog through it, so even though three dogs are too may dogs in our home, I think if we can coexist in peace I'll just let it be. She deserves a good home, and love, and I can't stand the idea of her getting rejected again. It's impossible to expect her to behave and be calm if her world keeps getting turned  around. Cookie tells me, no matter what, she's better off than in the streets, and he's right, but we'll see. Gotta mend our broken hearts (mostly mine, she doesn't seem to give a shit about not seeing her adopters anymore).

Baby Peanut is doing well! We have a few more words (ma= more and abo=heart (which makes no sense, but whatever, it is what it is)). He has some very willful, difficult days sometimes. I think he's also getting adjusted at my new school schedule, since he was used to having me around for the afternoon. He loves to help me cook and help his grandpa water the plants. Adores his dogs and watching YouTube, mostly children's songs but also Journey's Separate Ways, which he has loved since he was a little baby. He likes OK Go's videos, and Heartstone weekly highlights (Yeah, the game. We guess because he sees dad play it?). Sometimes when I'm driving and a song he likes comes on in the radio, he starts clapping to the rhythm in his chair, which is pretty funny. When I try to tell him about a baby in mommy's tummy, he either ignores me or tells me it's "abaubau" (a dog). I guess.. Uh.. I guess that's better than ignoring it? He does like dogs, so...

I'm also having some really vivid dreams. I forgot hormones did a number on that too. Nightmares have been super scary. Dreams very convoluted. Last night, though, I dreamed I had given birth to this baby. It had been a natural birth, it was a girl, she had been born at 38 1/2 weeks, and had weighted 3.250 kg. A very precise dream! I'm writing it down  in case it comes true :P oh, and my mom was VERY INSISTENT we called her Georgette. LOL, what the...? We'll see, I guess.

GEORGETTE IS DEFINITELY NOT ON THE TABLE THOUGH.

Week 12

Here we are approaching the end of the first trimester! This pregnancy is going by so fast, despite how much more laid back I'm being than with the first. I have had very little work this past month -not to speak, besides, of the work I let slide and go away because I wasn't feeling well and didn't care about it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because holy molly, do we have things to pay for this month- so I have mostly hung out at my parents place, taken naps, felt sick and nauseous, played with Elias and be moody.

Hormones are a difficult, difficult thing. I am still not out of the woods with the nausea and reflux, and if past experience is any indicator, reflux is here to stay for the next 6 months, and I'm cranky and moody and sad for no reason, or, maybe not for no reason, but feeling sick for two straight months hasn't done much good for my disposition. Poor Cookie has been dealing as he can. I have felt better these past few days, at least health-wise, so I hope my mood improves too! I am feeling the nesting, too. Nghhh. Want to.. build furniture... paint rooms.. fix house...

We saw the doctor last Friday. The baby is looking good! It moved and waved a bit, was measuring a day behind, though at this point it was hard to measure the size by either the vaginal or external ultrasound. Next month we'll probably find if it's a boy or a girl. I'm still nervous and will probably will continue to feel nervous all the way to the 20 week anomaly scan. And then after that, I'm sure I'll feel nervous until we hit viability, and then all the way until the baby is born, anxiously counting kicks and terrified of something happening. Buttttt. Despite my absolute neurosis, I gotta say I think I'm much calmer this time around! IMAGINE WHAT A WRECK I WAS LAST TIME. But we're nearing the end of the first trimester, so miscarriage is less and less likely with every week. I know, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about the worst that can happen all the time. I know this state of anxiety will lead me to PPD and PPA again. I don't think I can control it, though. I have had several talks with my SIL, the one who went through hell to bring her daughter to term after 5(6?) miscarries, and she keeps telling me I have no reason to believe something will go wrong. That I have to relax. No warning signs. All is well. RELAX. And I feel like, how can I let go? How do you let go?

I think I should probably try yoga this time around. Last time I was being super tight with money because everyone talked about how expensive babies are and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, and financial security has always been this huge thing for me, the room it gives you to breathe, that I decided no to spend money on yoga classes. But... PPD and PPA were hell. And I've read that you are more likely to have them if you already had them once, AND that having anxiety during pregnancy is also a big factor for PPA. Perhaps some centering and exercise can help?

Things that are different this time around:
-I'm not so concerned about money. Yes, babies come with their share of expenses. But last time I had nothing and clothes and baby stuff made it's way to me through friends and family, I know what we need and what we don't, we have all our cloth diapers, I know I can exclusively breastfeed barring any health complications. And newborns are tiny. They don't need a lot, not really. And the rest of the stuff, you have time to figure it out when they are born and they grow and actually need stuff.

-I have actually lost weight this month. Gahhhh. The nausea has been incapacitating some days, thankfully just a handful, but in any case I can't stomach a lot of foods so this month I actually lost a kilo instead of putting any weight. I started at 58 (I think? 59 maybe?) and was at 63 after the holidays (stuffing my face during the holidays is a tradition!! I was not giving that up!) and this past Friday I was down to 62 kg. The doctor says she doesn't think I'll put as much weight this time around since I have to be after Baby Peanut, so I'm more active. She might have a point!

-My blood pressure has always been kind of low, but these days it doesn't take much to lower it to the point where I feel dizzy and out of breath and my heart rate skyrockets. I don't remember this from the last time around.

-I'm already showing a little bit! Kind of saw that coming given that it's my second pregnancy and that Baby Peanut's pregnancy gave me diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles kind of tore appart and you could fit three fingers between them, like.. I can't explain it. It's weird and it was super painful while I was pregnant.) I have already been told I will need surgery to repair the muscles at some point. I think I looked almost normal by 6-8 months postpartum, so I think my muscles kind of recovered? but anyway, I have a small belly at 12 weeks. It's cute! I'm enjoying it!

-Oh, not new, probably, but last time I had no way of knowing if I was crazy (my doctor would say yes, definitely crazy) or I could actually feel the baby moving at 11 weeks or so. I can now say I have never felt those tiny popcorn popping taps but when pregnant. I felt them at 10w3d this time around. I know, too early. Can't be that. Must be gas. I am pretty sure I know how gas feels at this point, though (awful, it's hell, gahhhh) and those? Not gas. I don't feel them all the time or every day, just sometimes when I'm laying down. Tap tap tap. Tap. It's very awesome.

Baby Peanut still doesn't seem to get anything when I try to tell him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he is the best baby in the universe. It's been a difficult month of tantrums and separation anxiety with me, he's more and more willful every day, but.. I think it's also developmentally normal. His dad gets so exasperated because he doesn't seem to be listening most of the time, and looks like he is ignoring us when we tell him something. Specially if he's looking at something at the TV *eyerolls* I WONDER WHOM HE RESEMBLES. I told him this morning that Baby Peanut is just operating at a different speed from us, and that he has to make sure he has his attention, and then.. wait. And wait some more. And yes, sometimes he's ignoring us because what we want doesn't align with what he wants, so.. it's easier to ignore us. But I think that's just a maturity thing, a mechanism. I can repeat myself and help him do what I need him to do, and sometimes it makes him cry, but... I think in time he will understand? And I know everyone, not just kids, functions at different speeds. It's just a personality thing. I get exasperated with Cookie ALL THE TIME because he takes forever to do things I ask him to, and sometimes waits long enough that he forgets to do them entirely. He got a bit offended with me when I said that, ooops. But... maybe he'll think about that and be a bit more patient with the baby.

I suppose I should get back to work. I'm currently making 3D visualizations of my brother's fixer upper. It's not very interesting work, and I'm kind of DONE working with family, but we're just getting started to work on his new house. So. I'll be there for the next 3-4 months, I think. I've been at my SIL's house for the past 3 months. And before that, 5 months at my BIL's house. I reaaaally don't like mixing family and work. SIL's house has been... not the best of experiences. But I'll be over soon. They are happy with the work that was done, so that's good. I need to finish my brother's visualizations so I can start working on a design for a house. Cookie and I are going to attempt to build and sell a house. We already have a property! We are finalizing the paperwork, but it's ours. I am unsure we can make this work financially, so I have to be super diligent with both design and budgeting, and then a hawk at construction. But... even if I realize it won't work when I budget it, at least the money is no longer at the bank. Our economy is not very reassuring right now. I know we have a couple of difficult years ahead of us, between Trump's foreign policies and our own upcoming elections. So I hope... I don't know. I hope everything turns out right. It's a scary time to be bringing a new life to the world.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

My stomach hurts and I feel an awful void when it's 8:20 am and I haven't eaten yet.  I try to take it slow.  Half a banana,  maybe some berries,  an apple.  Something to calm down my stomach while I make breakfast.  It barely lasts.

I make breakfast and I inhale it,  wolfing down eggs and bread,  tortillas and beans,  bacon or tamales,  whatever scratches my itch that morning.  I try not to eat too much,  but I am SO HUNGRY.

Then I start to feel queasy.  Not the nausea of an empty stomach anymore,  but the "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that"  feeling.  My stomach hurts,  reflux starts to flare.  I begin to bloat.  By the end of the day  I look four months pregnant despite not showing at all in the morning.  By noon I have that empty feeling again,  and the cycle starts over,  but I feel worse and worse as the day progresses.

I go to bed.  Wake up with reflux and nausea a bunch of times,  until in the middle of the night I wake up once feeling okay.  I feel relieved.  Maybe today will be easier on my stomach...

And then it starts all over again.

The first trimester is a tough bitch.

Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.