Week 12

Here we are approaching the end of the first trimester! This pregnancy is going by so fast, despite how much more laid back I'm being than with the first. I have had very little work this past month -not to speak, besides, of the work I let slide and go away because I wasn't feeling well and didn't care about it, which in turn makes me feel guilty because holy molly, do we have things to pay for this month- so I have mostly hung out at my parents place, taken naps, felt sick and nauseous, played with Elias and be moody.

Hormones are a difficult, difficult thing. I am still not out of the woods with the nausea and reflux, and if past experience is any indicator, reflux is here to stay for the next 6 months, and I'm cranky and moody and sad for no reason, or, maybe not for no reason, but feeling sick for two straight months hasn't done much good for my disposition. Poor Cookie has been dealing as he can. I have felt better these past few days, at least health-wise, so I hope my mood improves too! I am feeling the nesting, too. Nghhh. Want to.. build furniture... paint rooms.. fix house...

We saw the doctor last Friday. The baby is looking good! It moved and waved a bit, was measuring a day behind, though at this point it was hard to measure the size by either the vaginal or external ultrasound. Next month we'll probably find if it's a boy or a girl. I'm still nervous and will probably will continue to feel nervous all the way to the 20 week anomaly scan. And then after that, I'm sure I'll feel nervous until we hit viability, and then all the way until the baby is born, anxiously counting kicks and terrified of something happening. Buttttt. Despite my absolute neurosis, I gotta say I think I'm much calmer this time around! IMAGINE WHAT A WRECK I WAS LAST TIME. But we're nearing the end of the first trimester, so miscarriage is less and less likely with every week. I know, I know. I shouldn't be thinking about the worst that can happen all the time. I know this state of anxiety will lead me to PPD and PPA again. I don't think I can control it, though. I have had several talks with my SIL, the one who went through hell to bring her daughter to term after 5(6?) miscarries, and she keeps telling me I have no reason to believe something will go wrong. That I have to relax. No warning signs. All is well. RELAX. And I feel like, how can I let go? How do you let go?

I think I should probably try yoga this time around. Last time I was being super tight with money because everyone talked about how expensive babies are and I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to go back to work, and financial security has always been this huge thing for me, the room it gives you to breathe, that I decided no to spend money on yoga classes. But... PPD and PPA were hell. And I've read that you are more likely to have them if you already had them once, AND that having anxiety during pregnancy is also a big factor for PPA. Perhaps some centering and exercise can help?

Things that are different this time around:
-I'm not so concerned about money. Yes, babies come with their share of expenses. But last time I had nothing and clothes and baby stuff made it's way to me through friends and family, I know what we need and what we don't, we have all our cloth diapers, I know I can exclusively breastfeed barring any health complications. And newborns are tiny. They don't need a lot, not really. And the rest of the stuff, you have time to figure it out when they are born and they grow and actually need stuff.

-I have actually lost weight this month. Gahhhh. The nausea has been incapacitating some days, thankfully just a handful, but in any case I can't stomach a lot of foods so this month I actually lost a kilo instead of putting any weight. I started at 58 (I think? 59 maybe?) and was at 63 after the holidays (stuffing my face during the holidays is a tradition!! I was not giving that up!) and this past Friday I was down to 62 kg. The doctor says she doesn't think I'll put as much weight this time around since I have to be after Baby Peanut, so I'm more active. She might have a point!

-My blood pressure has always been kind of low, but these days it doesn't take much to lower it to the point where I feel dizzy and out of breath and my heart rate skyrockets. I don't remember this from the last time around.

-I'm already showing a little bit! Kind of saw that coming given that it's my second pregnancy and that Baby Peanut's pregnancy gave me diastasis recti (my abdominal muscles kind of tore appart and you could fit three fingers between them, like.. I can't explain it. It's weird and it was super painful while I was pregnant.) I have already been told I will need surgery to repair the muscles at some point. I think I looked almost normal by 6-8 months postpartum, so I think my muscles kind of recovered? but anyway, I have a small belly at 12 weeks. It's cute! I'm enjoying it!

-Oh, not new, probably, but last time I had no way of knowing if I was crazy (my doctor would say yes, definitely crazy) or I could actually feel the baby moving at 11 weeks or so. I can now say I have never felt those tiny popcorn popping taps but when pregnant. I felt them at 10w3d this time around. I know, too early. Can't be that. Must be gas. I am pretty sure I know how gas feels at this point, though (awful, it's hell, gahhhh) and those? Not gas. I don't feel them all the time or every day, just sometimes when I'm laying down. Tap tap tap. Tap. It's very awesome.

Baby Peanut still doesn't seem to get anything when I try to tell him there's a baby in mommy's belly, but he is the best baby in the universe. It's been a difficult month of tantrums and separation anxiety with me, he's more and more willful every day, but.. I think it's also developmentally normal. His dad gets so exasperated because he doesn't seem to be listening most of the time, and looks like he is ignoring us when we tell him something. Specially if he's looking at something at the TV *eyerolls* I WONDER WHOM HE RESEMBLES. I told him this morning that Baby Peanut is just operating at a different speed from us, and that he has to make sure he has his attention, and then.. wait. And wait some more. And yes, sometimes he's ignoring us because what we want doesn't align with what he wants, so.. it's easier to ignore us. But I think that's just a maturity thing, a mechanism. I can repeat myself and help him do what I need him to do, and sometimes it makes him cry, but... I think in time he will understand? And I know everyone, not just kids, functions at different speeds. It's just a personality thing. I get exasperated with Cookie ALL THE TIME because he takes forever to do things I ask him to, and sometimes waits long enough that he forgets to do them entirely. He got a bit offended with me when I said that, ooops. But... maybe he'll think about that and be a bit more patient with the baby.

I suppose I should get back to work. I'm currently making 3D visualizations of my brother's fixer upper. It's not very interesting work, and I'm kind of DONE working with family, but we're just getting started to work on his new house. So. I'll be there for the next 3-4 months, I think. I've been at my SIL's house for the past 3 months. And before that, 5 months at my BIL's house. I reaaaally don't like mixing family and work. SIL's house has been... not the best of experiences. But I'll be over soon. They are happy with the work that was done, so that's good. I need to finish my brother's visualizations so I can start working on a design for a house. Cookie and I are going to attempt to build and sell a house. We already have a property! We are finalizing the paperwork, but it's ours. I am unsure we can make this work financially, so I have to be super diligent with both design and budgeting, and then a hawk at construction. But... even if I realize it won't work when I budget it, at least the money is no longer at the bank. Our economy is not very reassuring right now. I know we have a couple of difficult years ahead of us, between Trump's foreign policies and our own upcoming elections. So I hope... I don't know. I hope everything turns out right. It's a scary time to be bringing a new life to the world.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't

My stomach hurts and I feel an awful void when it's 8:20 am and I haven't eaten yet.  I try to take it slow.  Half a banana,  maybe some berries,  an apple.  Something to calm down my stomach while I make breakfast.  It barely lasts.

I make breakfast and I inhale it,  wolfing down eggs and bread,  tortillas and beans,  bacon or tamales,  whatever scratches my itch that morning.  I try not to eat too much,  but I am SO HUNGRY.

Then I start to feel queasy.  Not the nausea of an empty stomach anymore,  but the "maybe I shouldn't have eaten that"  feeling.  My stomach hurts,  reflux starts to flare.  I begin to bloat.  By the end of the day  I look four months pregnant despite not showing at all in the morning.  By noon I have that empty feeling again,  and the cycle starts over,  but I feel worse and worse as the day progresses.

I go to bed.  Wake up with reflux and nausea a bunch of times,  until in the middle of the night I wake up once feeling okay.  I feel relieved.  Maybe today will be easier on my stomach...

And then it starts all over again.

The first trimester is a tough bitch.

Slow and anxious

I'm not feeling all that well lately.  A bit of nausea and a bit of reflux and a lot of sleepiness make me really slow.  And unproductive.  It's hard to get motivated.

I am also having some problems sleeping.  Baby Peanut sleeps with us still,  and whenever he wakes he scoots close to get cuddles to fall back asleep,  which is the cutest,  sweetest thing in the world.  But even if that only happens twice a night,  and it's not big deal, you have to add the 3+ times I have to get up to pee,  plus random insomnia.  I have a very hard time self regulating my temperature,  I get cold-hot-cold-hot and it keeps waking me up.  I don't get very good rest these days.

I have been having catastrophic thoughts and dreams again.  When I was pregnant with Peanut I was obsessed with something bad happening.  I ran into blogs of people who were living through the hell  that is infertility,  multiple losses and termination for medical  reasons.  I can't explain what is in with me,  why I get obsessed with these stories,  harrowing and so deeply private and painful.  But I'm back at it,  reading the journeys of people  who have had to face incredibly hard choices and pain.  I don't know if I just want some confirmation that even if the worst happens, you can survive that pain.  It's...  A bit shameful,  I guess.  I have no place reading their journey,  I am a bystander who has no business there.  But... I hope they find their peace,  their miracles.  I learn a bit about all the terrors that can happen,  but also a lot about how strong and kind the human heart can be.  And maybe I can be more careful on the way I interact with the world.

I am anxious because so many things can happen to this baby.  I am having episodes again where a paralyzing fear of someone stealing Baby Peanut.  I am afraid of miscarriage,  of in utero fetal demise,  of a neural  tube defect,  of trisomies,   of omphaloceles,  of a diagnoses of incompatible with life,  of death in utero at term,  of complications  at birth, of a hospitalarian infection, of sudden infant death...  The list goes on and on.  I had only started to feel more at peace a few months ago,  going through these same fears again seems such a waste if energy.  What can I do,  anyway?

My godmother has been fighting ovarian cancer for two years.  It's been mostly nonstop,  with chemos and surgeries.  It looks like it has spread again. I saw her last summer when they came to spend a few days with my parents.  She's been always so loving and positive.  Their insurance ran out these past few days with the latest surgery, which is why it all feels so much more final now.  I don't think my mom has admitted to herself that the end is probably near.  I would like to visit them, see her again.  I don't know if we can.  It makes me very sad.  Cancer sucks  so very much.

Heartbeat!

We met with the doctor yesterday and had another ultrasound,  and we have a heartbeat! I am very relieved and excited,  everything looks okay right now,  so I'm going to try to be happy and not worry so much! It's an odd mix,  between worrying that something might be wrong now, or will go wrong in the future,  and then sometimes just forgetting the new baby is there, too focused on the now.  I wish I was one of those glowing,  peaceful,  magical pregnant ladies that I suppose don't exist,  but mostly I'm the nauseous,  super sleepy anxious kind.

The reflux has abated a little bit now that I have remembered to eat all day long,  and with the holidays over I hope I can focus on not gaining so much weight (4 kilos in 8 weeks,  augh!!),  so right now it's mostly the nausea and tiredness that's keeping me super unproductive.  From time to time I felt very sick due to low pressure and am accelerated pulse,  but the doctor say it's quite normal and caused by hormones.

I feel very awkward around my friend P.  Last year when she lost her baby,  a lot of what went through I felt made us really close.  Then..  Things got difficult between us because of the side business,  and I haven't been very good at handling things. I resent her approach to the business in great part because I don't feel like it's worth all the work.  And I know it will never work if one of us doesn't care,  but a lot of the time last year I was very stressed with projects and the construction and she kept piling things on,  I didn't know  how to ask her to stop.  And so...  Things got a bit cold.  I feel guilty about being pregnant when she has been trying all year.  I know I can't do anything about it,  and I don't want to further distance ourselves,  but I feel sad.  I really hope this year is her year,  and God gives her the child she so wants.

Baby Peanut is having a hard time lately.  All he wants is mamma,  and mamma is often out cold.  He cries when I leave,  cries when my mom leaves without him,  doesn't want to be held by anyone but me and maybe sometimes his "Coco",  my father.  He's sooo taken with my dad,  it's the sweetest thing,  though it does make my mom jealous.  But it's very nice to see them play together and how close Peanut is to him.  My dad has always been a very stoic,  emotionally distant man,  and he open up and warm for Peanut like he does for no one else.  I suppose we were very lucky that he's only now starting to show separation anxiety.  I'm also a bit worried because he still doesn't really talk much.  I know,  he's not two yet,  but all the development guides I've read say he should have around 20 words and some phrases.  And currently we have: mama,  papa,  coco,  ba (his grandma), yes,  no,  abaubau (dog), vroom vroom (car),   "ahí ta"  (here it is).  That's pretty much it.  He makes an "ahhhh"  sound for water, and still signs for food,  more,  cookie and chocolate.   I feel like he should be learning more words?  He babbles and talks a lot,  and he signs to and for things and clearly understands what we tell him,  so...   I also don't know if sounds and stuff like the vroom vroom count as words?  Does it count as talking if it's not the right name?  Like,  Ba for grandma,  it doesn't really make sense.  I don't know!

I guess I gotta chill.  The pediatrician saw him for his 18 month appointment and says he was doing great,  so I really have to learn to be less anxious. It's of no use anyway!

Fortune on my side

*Crosses fingers*

December has been kind to me!  I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago,  saying my fees had been approved,  so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job,  I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!

I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work,  no shortcuts,  on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA.  Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well,  I hadn't bothered before- aaaand...  I had failed that class.  Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam,  and I knew I had done well.  Except...

I never saw the "next page"  button at the start of the exam.  So.  I answered only one third of the questions.

Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it,  except cry and take the class again next year.  I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything,  but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam,  instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform.  I am so thankful!!!  That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out.  I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief,  it was the stupidest of mistakes.

I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant!  I'm currently 7 weeks along,  so it's still very early,  but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day,  so...  Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test,  and everything  looked okay.  Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat,  so I'm hoping all goes well.

Cookie was rather surprised,  since he  thought we were safe.  I thought we were trying for a baby,  so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not  super excited at first,  but he's gotten around the idea and  think he's happy.  Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy,  more than usual,  and I'm really tired these days,  but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.

Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach.  I am not showing at all!!  Ugh,  it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public,  I did tell my family,  but..  I don't know.  I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now.  But here I am!  With the blog! But still..  Also:  the nausea,  the swelling (why so soon??),  the low blood pressure and the reflux.  I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around,  though I am also a lot more positive right now.  I am cautious,  but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can,  since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.

I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune!  Have a great new year,  everyone!

The end of the MBA!

I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished!  Last week I turned in the last final projects,  and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA!  All that is left is doing the English accreditation,  which  I should have done forever ago but I haven't,  and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis,  which is my current dilemma,  but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!

 I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother,  who helped me get through this.  It never felt like it was ever the right time,  I never had enough time or enthusiasm,  was never fully in an academic mode.  I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation,  but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best,  but it wasn't just hard,  it was a sacrifice.  I had never felt like that before.  It probably sounds super dramatic,  but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders,  that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.

The dilemma right now is,  there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class,  based on our final project,  to turn that into the thesis.  It sounds like a good idea,  except the class was awful,  the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I...  I really want to finish,  but I don't know if I want that.  I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid,  so I'm worried about taking the "high road"  and just not finishing.

I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture,  mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine.  There used to be one,  but it moved to a much smaller city in the state,  and we wonder why.  In any case,  glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.

Work is okay.  November was insane,  since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands.  She's now fine,  thank God, but it made everything  really hard and packed.

I continue to struggle financially.  Nothing new there,  though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment.  For no particular reason,  really!  I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having  the financial security my parents have.  And he made me realize that's dumb. One,  because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs,  no matter how gradually.  And two,  because we are not in a void.  My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build,  and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever.  They helped each other every day of their lives,  and they he'll their brothers and sisters,  and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days.  And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that,  so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed.  Because it's never as hard as we think.

I also found a new home for Ahri,  he dog I rescued!  Right on Thanksgiving,  too!  She  was adopted by three roommates,  they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways.  I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!

Baby Peanut is a delight,  though he has been sick this past month.  Nothing serious,  but he hasnt been feeling great,  the poor thing.  He is loving Christmas this year,  all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations,  the stores...  He is so gleeful!  I'm loving this time of year with him.

Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby.  It's mostly just not preventing at this point,  since it's hard to keep a much more active love life.  Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have.  But we'll see!  Maybe!  I'm excited!  I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35,  we should probably get on the program.  And he said yeah,  we probably should,  and then just stopped preventing.  And here we are!  I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky,  so we'll see.  I'll keep you posted!

A year and a half

Baby Peanut is so 18 months old!  A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week,  since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).

What's new?  Well,  he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars.  He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall.  He loves to dance.  He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah!  Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night,  though he asks for milk once a night usually.  But his bottle is right there so. . .  Easy peasy.

It hasn't made much of an impact in my life,  the change in sleep.  I thought it would,  but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better.  I am not particularly better rested these days.  I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship,  though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while,  I was crying over everything,  having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal,  though.

I tried St.  John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.

I am feeling very desperate these days,  though,  about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off.  December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that.  I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean.  I have tried,  but every month is something different that is a money black hole.  The robbery,  the dogs,  this month is the car insurance,  next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . .  I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.

The MBA is four weeks from being over.  I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is.  I should be doing homework right now,  instead of writing here,  but I felt like crying.  This week I got an assignment turned back,  the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over,  because it doesn't fit the content of the week.  Except it does,  he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them.  I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back,  because obviously it would make him lose face.  So fuck me instead,   right?  I can do useless homework all day.  The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen.  I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it,  how can any teacher do what he us doing.  Just.  Why bother with any of this.

I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday.  I know what the long term plan is.  But knowing is not helping me get through this.  My day to day feels like such a struggle,  the long term just doesn't carry  much weight right now.

My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose,  and had to have surgery.  Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands,  and it's very clear to  me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried.  But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort.  I just. . .  Can't.  Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass.  But I need to draw a line somewhere.  I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.

Being in debt makes me crazy.  Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it,  not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work,  but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . .  I know plenty of people have it worst than me.  I know this.  I am fine.  I can pay this debt.  I am healthy.  I have a beautiful family.  I have the support of my loved ones.  Please,  God,  just let me stay one step ahead of this madness.  Help me find my peace.  Help me be patient.  Please,  God.

I can't do it all.  Help me figure this out.