martes, 27 de septiembre de 2016

End of summer

Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half.  How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day.  Poor dude,  I guess he's tired.  He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after  the burglary.

I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while.  It's weird,  I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place.  So I guess he has been improving!  I don't think I mentioned before,  but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old.  He can now eat cheese!  And yogurt!  And eat cereal with milk,  and pizza,  and cream,  and cake and chocolate and just anything  he sees!  Which means that so do I!!! That was a big,  nice change.  He loves  ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt.  I still try to keep him from eating crap food,  but I don't like forbidding foods,  I feel like it just makes them more attractive.  He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake,  so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.

Sleep is still fractured.  He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way,  so it was hard for a couple of weeks.  But before that,  I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being,  cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all,  so obviously he was making up with night calories.

I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep.  I am sleeping two or three hours between takes,  so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago.  I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed,  unless I spend the night with him on it.  It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week,  but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy.  So I either climb back down with him or pull him into  our bed again.  Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it.  It's not worth the trouble.

Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep.  Or,  I guess it's more accurate to say,  Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out.  Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it.  I don't even mind,  to be honest,  I don't know what the big deal is.

Do I wish he had weaned by now?  Maybe,  yeah.  It would be nice to wear all of my clothes,  regardless of the ease of access to my boobs.  I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep.  But I also love cradling him like a baby,  and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs.  I love his heavy,  sweaty little body.  I am in awe of how fast he's growing,  how big he is,  how smart and human he is.  It's such a short stage,  even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD,  like,  capital HARD  and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know,  an entire human being  is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis,  what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea.  But it's so short.

Almost a year and a half is gone.  When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough?  Am I producing enough milk?  Did he pee and poop enough today?  Is he breathing?  It was so exhausting.  I was worried about his survival all the time.  Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies,  pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess.  It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress.  I do my best to let him be.  He's turning out to be a joy of a little person.  This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man?  I never thought I was capable of so much love,  never knew I was this strong.

Cookie and I are doing much better too.  There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May.  We do what we can, we take care of each other,  we make it through another day.  I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming,  inexplicable,  but also a conscious,  faithful decision.  We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.

viernes, 23 de septiembre de 2016

Everything is vanity

I had a rough day yesterday.  After leaving home at 9 am to take Baby Peanut to my mother's place,  I had breakfast with her and then went back home to do homework.  When I parked outside the fence was open and the front door was wide open as well.  No signs of the dogs.

In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV,  the game boy and some games,  my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles.  They stole our calm and safety.  They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.

I am thankful that it was just things.  Thankful for my dogs' safety.  Thankful I wasn't home,  and that I didn't return while they were still there.  I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.

I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed.  I was an adult!  I think!  I did call my mom right after the cops,  to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood,  before I found them in the bedroom.  I called Cookie,  and my father in law (because the rifles,  I had no idea of what we had).  But...  It was weird,  after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes,  that this was..  Manageable.

Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed.  I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you.  But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.

Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes.  It made me feel better.

All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.

Nothing we do or experience is permanent.  All things keep on changing and still,  staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe.  Our lives are so short.  We better enjoy what matters,  because it will be here for only a second.


domingo, 21 de agosto de 2016

To the mom in the park

We met yesterday at the park,  you with your husband and your 14 month old and me with  Cookie and our 15 month old.  You looked younger than us,  and you seemed worried about everything about your baby.  When our husbands went off to catch pokemons (the real reason we were all there)  you asked me how old our baby was,  two years?  And worried about how small your baby was,  how thin,  and asked if our baby was in daycare.  How you were going crazy staying in all day with him,  but you couldn't decide if it was a good idea to part with him.  You worried about how little he spoke (I know I worry about that too  and your baby had more words than Baby Peanut)  and confessed,  with almost an apology,  that he had always been breastfed and was still breastfeeding.

Mom At the Park,  I wanna tell you,  your baby is perfect.  I'm not saying this in a bullshitty  way,  like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are,  too,  says my instinct and my heart).  But he spoke well,  he had great coordination,  he shared rocks with Elias,  he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw.  Your baby is developmentally normal.  Perfect.

Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones.  Stop worrying.  Don't apologize,  and certainly not to me,  a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.

I know I worry too.  I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight  too,  because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet...  He's meeting his milestones.  He's happy and crazy and fine.  Sure,  he's big,  compared to your baby.  Or your baby,  he's small,  compared to mine.  But did you see them compare each other?  They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff.  They grow.  They play.  They are happy.

Let's not worry so much,  you and I.  I didn't mention,  because I felt a little weird,  but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday.  Your baby is adorable and perfect.  You are doing a great job.

I know it's hard to believe.  But I think we both are.

domingo, 10 de julio de 2016

Everything changes but stays the same

The new single bed has made pretty much no difference in our sleeping schedules.  Other than it being more difficult to put Baby Peanut to sleep,  since he can climb down from it or up to our bed,  but really,  is not even  that bad.  I like that he can lay on his bed,  get up,  climb down,  play around,  climb back.  I think it makes him feel much more independent and it shows,  around the house he can spend more and more time playing by himself while I clean or cook.

Sleep is the same.  He keeps waking every hour and a half.  Still nurses at least three times during the day and pretty much with every waking during the night.  He is sleeping longer naps,  though,  which is good!  From an hour to two and a half,  depending on how hot it is,  where he is sleeping,  noise,  etc.

Someone close to me made a fb post about how after 9 months,  breastfeeding was just about being dependant,  nothing else.  I keep telling myself,  you know,  it's not personal,  it's not about you,  it's about her baby and what she thinks is best for her,  but I see her very often and she knows what our nursing relationship is.  It's hard to not feel judged.  I know nursing a 14 month old is not that common,  but it's hard to hear things like that,  like I'm doing him some psychological harm.  Or the implicit idea that I'm weak,  because I can't stand to put limits and wean him/stop cosleeping /stop roomsharing. That is why,  surely,  he doesn't sleep through the night.

It makes me feel bad because I wish he would sleep through the night.  I have tried giving him a heavy dinner,  massages,  letting him cry,  singing him to sleep instead of nursing him,  putting him in his pen and walking away,  staying with him,  putting him to bed earlier,  later.  Everything I can think of.  Gentle methods and controlled crying methods and just..  Nothing.  And if does make me feel like a failure. But everything else,  all other aspects of his life, he's doing great.  He eats great,  he's very social,  loving,  gentle, silly and fun,  he's growing well,  he's healthy and happy...

He doesn't sleep well.  He's still nursing at 14 months,  with no weaning in sight,  no matter if I might want to or not (I would like to night wean,  but haven't managed it). On my calmest days,  I say,  he'll sleep when he sleeps.  He's so big already,  this is what's left of his baby hood.

On my bad days,  I feel defeated,  embarrassed,  tired,  a failure of a mother and wife.  Because yes,  I wish he would sleep.  On his bed.  All night.

But all we have is today,  this reality we live in,  and whatever I wish was but isn't is not part of it.  I must let it go.  Be here,  present,  today.  Enjoy his baby hands on my breast,  his twinkling eyes,  his heavy little body on my own,  and the long nights where all there is is this peaceful bond between baby and mom.  One day it will be gone,  and it will feel like it was such a short time to enjoy.  I don't want to spend it suffering.

I will try to have more good,  patient days,  and let go.

miércoles, 29 de junio de 2016

New bed!

Yesterday I bought a matress for Baby Peanut and it arrived today!  I'm attempting to move him tonight.  I'll still be super close as I put the matress beside my side of the bed,  so hopefully the night feeding won't be too difficult.

Baby Peanut is still asking for milk four or five times a night.  I have heard it all at this point: that he doesn't need milk at night,  that my milk isn't good enough anymore,  that his wakings are my fault for not sleep training him/weaning him,  that he'll sleep when he walks/turns one/stops teething...  I really just think he'll sleeps when he sleeps at this point.   I have done at least one more attempt at night weaning him since I last mentioned it here,  and the results were the same: inconsolable crying for 45 minutes  followed by sighs and weeping while he sleeps.  It was in no way restful for him or for me,  and he keeps waking every two or three hours,  so I'm really not interested in seeing if the cycle repeats all night long.

He was excited about the bed and played a lot before bedtime.  He wa happy about being able to climb up and down easily,  and seemed to like the feeling of a semi closed pen. I hope we have a good night!  I really want us to transition without tears.  

martes, 21 de junio de 2016

The return of the anxiety monster

It's been a difficult couple of weeks.  This weekend in particular was very draining as work has piled on and gotten very demanding,  with clients that aren't satisfied with the end results and projects that have turned to be huge investments of time,  eating away at any profit that we were going to make.
I have stress dreams and lay awake in the small hours of the morning,  thinking of everything that might go wrong and thinking how I can run away from all the imagined disasters.  I am exhausted,  physically and mentally,  short tempered,  sad,  just about ready to drop all work projects and just stay home with the baby.

The MBA is eating away at the few free hours of the weekend.  I am constantly on,  working or thinking about work,  on the phone or preparing budgets and presentations or driving around and buying whatever we need at the construction site.  This is my job,  I know,  it's not asking anything unexpected of me,  but I can barely hold it together.

Cookie and I are having problems too.  Two weeks ago I was on the verge of leaving.  I managed to calm down and we talked,  mostly about redistribution of house chores,  because I am so tired all the time,  I just need something to be off my plate.  Anything.  But it did get really ugly,  even if it was a very calm conversation,  and he said he was ready to leave too, but he was much more confident in our love than I was.  I have been praying and asking for strength and patience and understanding,  because I do love him, and I don't want us to fail.

I thought I was over PPD and PPA.  Thought I had managed to get past them on my own.  But here we are again,  very much in the same state I was in late November.  Needing help and unsure if I want to medicate.

Baby Peanut is doing great.  He walks and plays and climbs and crawls.  I think he's a bit behind since he really doesn't say anything but mama.  But he signs some and I know he understand a lot,  so I hope his vocabulary grows before it officially becomes a speech delay.  He is gorgeous.  Loves his dogs and gently pets them,  loves to give kisses and hugs,  flirts with all the ladies he sees.  I don't know why I torture myself with work.  I wish I had more time for my baby and a more relaxed life.

I guess I'm the only one that can find the balance,  no matter how hard it might be to say no and drop clients and projects.  Something has to give.

martes, 24 de mayo de 2016

Back from our vacation, time for some perspective

I haven't posted in a while so I'll try to do a quick recap:

We had Baby Peanut's baptism on April 23rd. After all the in law drama due our choice of godparents,  it all well pretty well. No one said anything,  just a few not super happy faces.  Baby Peanut cried for the whole ceremony.  He was the only baby cc crying,  nonstop,  for 45 minutes.  THAT SURE WENT WELL.

After the ceremony we had a family party at my parents' place, half baptism celebration,  half birthday party.  We had tacos and a Totoro cake made by one of my sisters in law.  All went well and was very tasty!

The next weekend we took a family photo session and had a smash the cake session for Eli.  He was scared of his cake and cried every time he touched it. I guess the texture creeped him out?

We had a week and a half trip in early May.  We stayed with my college friends and I had a wonderful time with them,  even if work did not relent even while I was away,  and despite how exhausting it was to take care of baby Peanut outside our routine and environment.  We also got to see Cookie's cousins and family and spend some days with them,  so it was nice.  And I got to see my brother too.  Flying with a one year old was...  Stressful.  And packed.  Not the easiest of endeavors.  But we managed and came back in one piece,  even if we had to forgo the trip to the beach -  I realized once we were planning it that Eli wouldn't do the four and a half hour drive well.  During our trip,  baby Peanut cut his first molar.  Poor guy didn't want to eat any solids for a week.

I turned 31 the day we returned from our vacation.  It was uneventful.  Cookie forgot,  though after some drama he got me flowers the next day.  They were pretty :)

I also had my period that day,  the first one since I got pregnant.  Which was annoying as hell. I also felt crappy and kind of disappointed because I thought I was pregnant.  Meh.  But at least I guess it's back on the realm of possibilities!

Turning 31 kind of freaked me up.  I can't believe I'm over thirty.  I feel like the last time I noticed I was still 27.

Work is pretty packed though I managed to finally get some stuff off my plate and I'm dealing with things as they come for now.  I landed a big job, finishing the construction of the house of one of my first clients.  The original architect left them mid construction and there's a lot to fix and finish,  so it's a bit of a daunting project.  But things are moving forward this week.

I finished two classes of the MBA in April and I started another two this last week.  I hope I can get better organized this trimester so I don't end up working every Sunday against the clock.  I did pretty well in the last trimester,  so at least all those Sundays paid up.

I am feeling better after our trip.  I was..  Angry and disappointed while we were on it,  because I couldn't leave work behind,  because I couldn't go to the beach,  because taking care of the baby is exhausting and we are nowhere near sleeping the whole night (he is still waking up every two hours or so,  still not over his casein intolerance,  still not night weaned,  etc). But I think even if I wasn't in the best of moods,  I managed to recharge.  I'm grateful l we got to go.

As I was finishing drafting the as-built plans for the big project today,  I realized I've been working for almost 12 years now.  Of those,  7 years I've been a free agent.  I need to realize that no matter what the short term looks like,  I have pretty much made it on my own,  and I gotta be proud of all that work and grateful for all the opportunities I have had.  It hasn't always been easy but I'm still standing,  and that's something to b  proud of.