It is what it is

Just sent what I could manage to do of my thesis for the final revision. Still didn't manage even half of it, but it is what it is, and I'll finish it with time.

I gotta be kinder with myself. I am doing everything I can.

In the good news department, the structural ultrasound and my glucose test are done, and the results are in, and everything looks good!

I am doing everything I can. Everything will be okay.

23 weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks over here. I hoped to get some rest during Holy Week and Easter, but work hasn't let up at all. My actual for real this time deadline to turn in the final revision of the thesis is next Tuesday. I am not done, and barely any further than I was 4 weeks ago. So I guess there's that.

Work at my  brother's construction site is going well. Quite a few kinks lately but progress continues. He apparently got over his money drama quicker than I could stop worrying about his money drama, and decided he would finish most of what he has planned and if money didn't stretch then he would take money from his home account instead of his savings account and hope for the best. Wuh. If it was necessary he would ask my dad for a loan. The end! Which is... Exactly what I had told him, so he just put me through 5 days of stress a couple of weeks ago for nothing. I did charge him a lower rate than regular clients and we agreed that I would be the last to get paid, but he insisted I charged him because work is work. And boy is it work lately...

Usually no one works during the Holy Days, but my workers decided to work both Thursday and Friday. Turns out, between Thursday evening and Friday morning someone broke in a stole power tools from the construction site. They stole two angle grinders that belonged to the tile installers and my rotary hammer drill. This was an absolute pain in the ass because a) all the workers wanted to blame one another, b) I really am barely breaking even as it is, and don't have money to buy a new one. The drama was long and stressful and annoying. Bottom line, though, the power tools are gone. So. We gotta replace them somehow.

Baby Peanut has been sick for almost two weeks too. First a stomach bug or something, followed by two days of being okay, followed by what looked like a cold but has continued to get worse. Today was the first day the ped could see us, and looks like a sinus infection. Last night it was fever and vomit and he has been coughing for several nights, so... The transition to his bed had a bit of a set back, and I'm sleeping awfully. He has been making some progress towards potty training though! Showing interest and sitting in his potty and peeing there. I'm trying to take it easy and follow his cue. Yesterday he was being an asshole and he tried to sit on one of the dogs and she bit him in the face. Thankfully it wasn't anything bad, just a scrap, and it wasn't an angry or violent bite, more of a back off kind of thing, and I seriously had been after him for exactly the same thing with the other dogs.. But I got distracted and he got hurt. So I have been feeling pretty low and like an awful mom.

Next week Peanut turns two, but I still can't figure out how to have a party that won't be super stressful for me, given how.. Rambunctious his cousins are. I just want a little get together with kids his age, but I can't seem to figure out any way for that to happen without insulting family. At this point I will probably do nothing. I can't figure it out and I don't have much time to plan :S most of next week's morning will be spent at the doctor or getting studies done. Monday is my structural ultrasound and Tuesday I have to take the glucose test and Friday I have a visit with my Obgyn to check the results. Then we - theoretically - leave for a week long trip to the beach with my parents. It will be very nice to be out of town, but the car drive is about 9 hours long and my doctor isn't very happy about the idea. We will do the drive in two days and with plenty of stops, but still... I'm a bit worried. I hope all goes well.

Pregnancy has been mostly okay these weeks, beyond a couple of low pressure episodes. I got meds for it and some advice from the doctor in my  last visit and everything seems to be going well. Baby is moving a lot more and I can definitely feel it. He kicked Cookie last week for the first time, so that was exciting! I started a prenatal "gentle" yoga class last week. I'm loving it but it's also sort of kicking my ass! It's only two classes a week and I had to miss one this week, but it's doing me a lot of good I think. Specially mentally. I've been using that time to try to connect with this baby and its very emotional and sweet. That has been a highlight of my week!

I landed a project to design a restaurant. I am stressed because I don't really do commercial design, mostly just residential stuff. It's a really big project too, and I'm not super good at 3D rendering, so I'm gonna have to work on my skills while I design. I also started a small renovation today that I hope will be done by the middle of next week. So... Work is flowing, which is nice, but I'm feeling overwhelmed, which isn't so nice.

I turn 32 next month. I admit there is an undercurrent in my brain that is freaking out. Shouldn't I feel like I have it together yet???

Feeling low

My thesis is due next week and I am nowhere, truly, really, certainly, nowhere near done. I accept that I won't finish it on time, though I wish I could have more done to send to the final revision. I don't know if I'll have time to work on it, though.

Work was going so well. It kind of still is, in that I'm meeting all deadlines with flying colors and things are getting done and looking good. But as it turns out, my brother is running out of money and this somehow took us both by surprise. I don't know if I could have prepared him for it? Help him plan better? But we had a chat on Thursday that almost ended with him in tears and I was being a cold hearted bitch - money is what it is. You either have it or you don't, I can't really stretch it that far. But it made me feel really low, and I think he didn't take my cold approach very well. I now feel like I should have worked more on my thesis than on the construction, given that now that we are running out of money we aren't in a hurry anymore to finish to he can move. Hindsight and all, but it still makes me feel really low.

There's also the matter of charging him for my work. I don't know what to do. Do I? At all? Do I tell him that we can put that on the freezer so he can pay me later? I'm not doing well financially at all, all this working for family is really bad for business. Knowing he's struggling to pay for the renovation is just making me feel awful about charging him. But... It is my only income. I don't know.

Cookie has been sick for over two weeks now. He just finished his course of antibiotics, but he's also running a bad bad allergy that only triggers at night in our room. So. He's slept in the living room the last two nights. In a way I guess that's better for both of us because I was getting awful sleep with him coughing and Peanut waking up, and he's also resting more because he's not coughing all night anymore, but. Yeah. This is not doing us any favors. Him feeling sick means less help with Baby Peanut, and more general crankiness. Which means I'm more tired and more prone to get angry, specially if he's cranky over video games and difficult to be around. I can barely hold it together as it is.

I reached week 20 of this pregnancy, so we're halfway there. I was feeling pretty great until last Thursday, when I went on a crazy cleaning spree trying to vacuum and de-clutter as much as possible to see if that helped with Cookie's allergy. It didn't. And then Friday I felt super crap, ready-to-run-to-the-hospital bad. But it was while I was grocery shopping, so I was alone, and ended up deciding to just try to take I easy instead of alarming my mom. I... I gotta say, I feel pretty lonely lately. Feeling sick and sleep deprivation are hard, but just in general I feel like nothing gets  lined up right. As soon as I get something working I feel like everything else falls apart.

In the end I think it was just more low pressure fun times, combined with being physically exhausted. I felt somewhat better yesterday until nighttime. I have an appointment tomorrow for the 20 week check up, so I'll bring my low pressure up again.

We are transitioning baby Peanut to his own bed. We are still room sharing and I expect we will continue to do so for a couple of years still, unless he asks for his own room. Once the baby is born, I feel like being all in one room would make him feel less displaced. He still wakes once or twice a night to ask for milk or for me to lay down with him, and I start up the night in his bed 3 out of 4 nights. Sometimes I only get two hours of sleep in my bed. But tomorrow will mark two weeks since we started and we haven't had him in our bed a single night, which is something of an achievement. He does cry and asks to sleep in the big bed, but I offer to go down to his instead and it usually works okay. He wakes up crying much less often than when he slept with us, which is also good! We are also introducing him to the shower really slowly. He's afraid of the falling water, so he cries when we shower him instead of bathing him in his baby bath. But he's almost too big for his bath now! It's a bit unwieldy. He'll turn two by the end of this month. I need to figure out a lot in this coming months and get some sort of new routines for him before the new baby is here. I don't want him to feel like his world is falling apart because of his brother :(

I'm planning to toilet train him in May. We will take a road trip to the beach with my parents the first week of May, so once we are back I'm tackling that. I hope it goes smoothly. Fingers crossed.

I'm dreading the heat this summer. I haven't gained as much weight as with Peanut's pregnancy so far, but I'm still retaining a lot of water and my digestion is so slow.. I already feel uncomfortable and have pain in my legs and feet. I'm trying to walk more, which does help, but I haven't been able to really stick to a daily schedule.

These past weeks I bought a package of newborn sized diapers, three size 0 pj's and one 3 months sized pj for the new baby (code named Ozymandias, or Ozzy for short). It's been a slowwww road to confidence. I almost broke down in the diapers aisle when I picked the diapers. What if I was jinxing him? What if something terrible happened? I know it can happen. I know nothing is ever certain. But I bought some tiny footed pj's  just the same. Maybe it seems ridiculous, but for me it was a great leap of faith. Can't wait to meet you, baby Oz.

18 weeks!

Today we are 18 weeks into this pregnancy, and the first Braxton Hicks construction just woke me up. Uhhh.. I don't  remember having them this weakly last time, but I don't really remember when they started.

I feel the baby move very lightly sometimes, which is different from baby Peanut's pregnancy. Then again, he always measured ahead, and this baby is measuring consistently to the day. We saw the doctor last week and to avoid any more "I guess the baby is asleep" moments, I had a bunch of mini chocolates before the appointment. Baby was very active! Everything looked okay, and we got to find out we are having a boy!! Baby Peanut is having a baby brother! I'm so excited!

Since then I think Cookie has connected with the pregnancy a lot the bit more. We had our fourth anniversary last week too, and some time alone, so that might have helped with his disposition too. He's also trying to be calmer around Peanut, all out of his own accord. Last Saturday he got really worked up with Elias because he had a bunch of tantrums while we were downtown (nothing terrible but not fun, his usual I am not getting to do what I want meltdowns) but then on Sunday we went to my in laws place and all of my nephews were hell. Just, so difficult and mean to each other and exhausting to be around, and Peanut was.. Peanut. Just, his bumbly, almost two year old playful self. And on by he way home he apologized to Peanut for losing it the day before, a said he was gonna try to be calmer because clearly Elias wasn't a brat. We are all a work in progress, I know!

I'm feeling a bit sad and annoyed because my mom said something last Tuesday that got to me. She always calls Peanut her baby, but Tuesday she called him her son in front of her sisters. I said, you know, no, my son. And she said, yeah, that's what you say. And... It makes me feel like I need to figure out a way to not leave Peanut so many hours under her care. I love her and I know she means well, but if she thinks that then s be probably thinks I am abusing her willingness to look after him? I'm struggling right now because I work a few hours in the morning and then I leave for another 3 hours for the thesis class. So yes, that's a lot of hours. I stayed on with Peanut yesterday morning but I couldn't get any work done so that's not a long term solution. I don't know. It makes me angry, to think she doesn't see me as my own boy's mom. But perhaps I'm just angry because it makes me sad that she (or worse, Peanut) might think that.

On the whole thesis subject, I haven't done a THING this week, which is terrible. I only have what is left of this week and three more before the class is over and the thesis has to be turned in. It probably won't be finished but it has to be mostly done or at least done to the bare bones. That... Man. I'm not sure I can do it. It's so much work  and my brother also wants the interiors of his house ready to be painted by the end of the month or the beginning of April. I'm a bit worried at this point.

Still. I'm going to take more time off today and take Peanut to the park and see the ducks. I feel guilty for all the time away I'm spending from him, and some time at the park will be fun, I think. Only one more month and the thesis will take less time from my afternoons, at least.

Early mornings

Poor baby Peanut is feeling sick and woke us up around 5:40, moaning in his sleep because of a fever. He had thrown up around midnight while Cookie was out with friends, so I called him and he came home running to help me cope (sick baby and cleaning vomit when I just woke up from a couple hours of sleep was.. Very confusing at the least!). When I tried to take his temp and give him meds he started crying uncontrollably and ended up throwing up again. We cleaned him up and undressed him and gave him meds and they fell asleep, but it was starting to be light outside... And when it starts to dawn, I get the feeling that things are going to be okay, and feel refreshed (even in five hours of broken sleep) and it's hard to fall back asleep. So. I'm just checking the Internet and laying down and listening to my loves sleep. It's  very nice and relaxing! I know this budding headache is gonna get worst and that I really will need to take a nap later, but for now the sun is up and everything will be okay.

Hello anxiety my old friend

Since I was at the OBG last week I've been running a low undercurrent of anxiety about the baby. Not seeing it move in the ultrasound is keeping me very on edge. I'm very afraid that his heart might have stopped beating sometime after that.  I can't seem to get beyond that thought.

Things are very tense between me and Cookie. I don't know if it's my hormones or just his usual february-march depression season,  but it's hard to get along. We always seem to have a much harder time getting along when there is no physicality between us, but it's a vicious circle. It's hard to want to be physical when you are annoyed or pissed at the other person all the time. I feel like he has very little empathy for what I'm going through (aka being pregnant, parenting a toddler and trying to finish the MBA, plus work), he has relapsed into not doing any house chores and he is a super grouch with Baby Peanut most of the time. All he worries about is taking Peanut out of our bed, and reaching him to sleep by himself. I don't see what the big deal is. He will, eventually. And also, other than complain, he hasn't come up with any strategies or plan or done anything to achieve it. So. It's mostly just complaining waiting for me to "fix" it. I shouldn't really complain this much, I know he's overwhelmed and he didn't really want another pregnancy (I didn't know it at the time, but it is what it is).

I'm tired a lot of the time and I fall asleep before 9 most days. I know we need to spend time together. It's really hard to find the time. I wish he was more excited about the baby, about Peanut. He seems like it's all such a chore. I suppose he's depressed, though he's never particularly expressive about our family. I don't know. It's bringing me down.

On the bright side, work is going okay and I'm slowly making progress on the thesis. I wrote two pages yesterday! Haha. I know it's not much, and I'm having trouble going over the academic papers on my subject, it's hard to stay focused... But I keep finding interesting data and sources, so I think that's also progress of a sort, even if I haven't read it yet. I need to write another two pages for today's class, so I should sit down to work... Soon.

Gotta find some motivation first...

15 weeks

So here I am! Second trimester, woohooo! I'm feeling much better. No more low pressure kicking my ass, much less nausea (only here and there, when I'm very tired or hungry), no heartburn *dances* not a lot of energy, really, still waiting for that to improve, but I'm definitely feeling better.

Yesterday I went to see the doctor by myself due to a vaginal infection. I know you were dying to know that. Anyway, as I was there, and the doctor asked if I had recently changed soap brands, I remembered that yes, I had, and also, this had happened with Baby Peanut's pregnancy too. I got a prescription soap (again) and some treatment. I am hoping it improves. I got to briefly see the baby. It wasn't moving at all so I freaked out, but the heartbeat was strong. I guess he or she was sleeping? Doctor said not to worry. But of course I'm worrying. I go back in two weeks to get proper measurements of growth, so... I hope everything looks okay then.

This is also my second week of the thesis seminar I'm taking. I went to the graduation ceremony on February 10th, and all that is left is WRITING THIS THESIS HELL YEAH. the seminar is 7 weeks long, so 5 to go. I.. Could be making faster progress I admit. But I am still on track with our assignments, so that's good! The seminar is really exhausting, though. I take it Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 4 to 6, but the traffic both ways is pretty bad, so it's an hour of very defensive driving that is almost as taxing as the class. My brother is teaching the class, which was news to both of us until the first day! It's a bit weird and maybe even uncomfortable for him? Not sure. But he's a good teacher and I am glad I'm with him and not someone else who's just half assing the seminar. I usually end up fast asleep before 9, though :S poor Cookie is not enjoying this time of our lives :(

Last week I also picked up Ahri, the dog I had rescued back in September. The owners no longer could care for her due to moving to a rental house with a no pets policy, though to be honest I think they just wanted to get rid of her. I don't think they enjoyed the responsibility and just found a good excuse to return her. It's been... A bit stressful at times, because Odin and Ahri are constantly fighting and trying to mount each other, but slowly things seem to be calming down. It's an improvement anyway of the situation we were in last time she lived with us, when I had to take Odin to my parents' place for two months because they couldn't be together. Odin was so obsessed with mounting her that he lost weight and had a doggie penis emergency. It was.. Not sustainable. This time around is more manageable. They have even slept inside several nights. In theory we will put her up for adoption again.

I kind of don't want to put the poor dog through it, so even though three dogs are too may dogs in our home, I think if we can coexist in peace I'll just let it be. She deserves a good home, and love, and I can't stand the idea of her getting rejected again. It's impossible to expect her to behave and be calm if her world keeps getting turned  around. Cookie tells me, no matter what, she's better off than in the streets, and he's right, but we'll see. Gotta mend our broken hearts (mostly mine, she doesn't seem to give a shit about not seeing her adopters anymore).

Baby Peanut is doing well! We have a few more words (ma= more and abo=heart (which makes no sense, but whatever, it is what it is)). He has some very willful, difficult days sometimes. I think he's also getting adjusted at my new school schedule, since he was used to having me around for the afternoon. He loves to help me cook and help his grandpa water the plants. Adores his dogs and watching YouTube, mostly children's songs but also Journey's Separate Ways, which he has loved since he was a little baby. He likes OK Go's videos, and Heartstone weekly highlights (Yeah, the game. We guess because he sees dad play it?). Sometimes when I'm driving and a song he likes comes on in the radio, he starts clapping to the rhythm in his chair, which is pretty funny. When I try to tell him about a baby in mommy's tummy, he either ignores me or tells me it's "abaubau" (a dog). I guess.. Uh.. I guess that's better than ignoring it? He does like dogs, so...

I'm also having some really vivid dreams. I forgot hormones did a number on that too. Nightmares have been super scary. Dreams very convoluted. Last night, though, I dreamed I had given birth to this baby. It had been a natural birth, it was a girl, she had been born at 38 1/2 weeks, and had weighted 3.250 kg. A very precise dream! I'm writing it down  in case it comes true :P oh, and my mom was VERY INSISTENT we called her Georgette. LOL, what the...? We'll see, I guess.

GEORGETTE IS DEFINITELY NOT ON THE TABLE THOUGH.