*Crosses fingers*
December has been kind to me! I just got an email from a real state company where I interviewed months ago, saying my fees had been approved, so I will be their external Interior design consultor! I have high hopes for this job, I hope it'll open doors and help me maintain better finances!
I am also super super thankful that I put in all the work, no shortcuts, on the one class that wasn't shitty this last trimester of the MBA. Two weeks after classes were done I checked grades - knowing I had done well, I hadn't bothered before- aaaand... I had failed that class. Which made no sense! The only thing I didn't have graded before was the final exam, and I knew I had done well. Except...
I never saw the "next page" button at the start of the exam. So. I answered only one third of the questions.
Cue a total freak out because now was TOO LATE to try and talk to the teacher or do anything about it, except cry and take the class again next year. I quickly logged in to see my kardex only to see I had been graded a 9.4/10. The teacher didn't say anything, but used what I did of the exam as my totality of the exam, instead of the actual grade I got from the automatic grading from the platform. I am so thankful!!! That he took the time to see why I had failed and that he decided to help me out. I almost passed out from the fear out and the relief, it was the stupidest of mistakes.
I am also super lucky and very happy to say I'm pregnant! I'm currently 7 weeks along, so it's still very early, but I'm feeling queasy and sick mostly every day, so... Hormones are doing their thing! I went to the doctor last week to confirm the home test, and everything looked okay. Next week I'll be there again to look for a heartbeat, so I'm hoping all goes well.
Cookie was rather surprised, since he thought we were safe. I thought we were trying for a baby, so we had a big misunderstanding there :S he was surprised and maybe not super excited at first, but he's gotten around the idea and think he's happy. Baby Peanut is being very possessive of mommy, more than usual, and I'm really tired these days, but I think he's gonna be excited as things start to progress.
Things I forgot were very annoying about being pregnant: people touching my stomach. I am not showing at all!! Ugh, it's so uncomfortable :S my family telling everyone they know and their neighbor. I am not going super public, I did tell my family, but.. I don't know. I don't feel comfortable sharing so much right now. But here I am! With the blog! But still.. Also: the nausea, the swelling (why so soon??), the low blood pressure and the reflux. I don't remember feeling quite like this like last time around, though I am also a lot more positive right now. I am cautious, but I will try to enjoy the experience as much as I can, since I was so freaked out and obsessed with what could go wrong.
I hope 2017 keeps on with the good fortune! Have a great new year, everyone!
viernes, 30 de diciembre de 2016
sábado, 10 de diciembre de 2016
The end of the MBA!
I am incredibly thankful and happy to declare the trimester is finished! Last week I turned in the last final projects, and with that I have finished all the credits of the MBA! All that is left is doing the English accreditation, which I should have done forever ago but I haven't, and the thesis. I have a few options to do the thesis, which is my current dilemma, but that is not taking any joy from the fact that I AM DONE!
I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother, who helped me get through this. It never felt like it was ever the right time, I never had enough time or enthusiasm, was never fully in an academic mode. I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation, but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best, but it wasn't just hard, it was a sacrifice. I had never felt like that before. It probably sounds super dramatic, but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders, that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.
The dilemma right now is, there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class, based on our final project, to turn that into the thesis. It sounds like a good idea, except the class was awful, the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I... I really want to finish, but I don't know if I want that. I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid, so I'm worried about taking the "high road" and just not finishing.
I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture, mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine. There used to be one, but it moved to a much smaller city in the state, and we wonder why. In any case, glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.
Work is okay. November was insane, since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands. She's now fine, thank God, but it made everything really hard and packed.
I continue to struggle financially. Nothing new there, though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment. For no particular reason, really! I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having the financial security my parents have. And he made me realize that's dumb. One, because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs, no matter how gradually. And two, because we are not in a void. My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build, and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever. They helped each other every day of their lives, and they he'll their brothers and sisters, and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days. And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that, so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed. Because it's never as hard as we think.
I also found a new home for Ahri, he dog I rescued! Right on Thanksgiving, too! She was adopted by three roommates, they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways. I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!
Baby Peanut is a delight, though he has been sick this past month. Nothing serious, but he hasnt been feeling great, the poor thing. He is loving Christmas this year, all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations, the stores... He is so gleeful! I'm loving this time of year with him.
Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby. It's mostly just not preventing at this point, since it's hard to keep a much more active love life. Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have. But we'll see! Maybe! I'm excited! I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35, we should probably get on the program. And he said yeah, we probably should, and then just stopped preventing. And here we are! I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky, so we'll see. I'll keep you posted!
I'm so thankful to Cookie and my parents and my brother, who helped me get through this. It never felt like it was ever the right time, I never had enough time or enthusiasm, was never fully in an academic mode. I suppose that wasn't a realistic expectation, but I had thought I would be the kind of student I used to be in college. I did my best, but it wasn't just hard, it was a sacrifice. I had never felt like that before. It probably sounds super dramatic, but I honestly feel like it was a great weight on my shoulders, that eventually became Cookie and the baby's burden as well.
The dilemma right now is, there is a virtual seminar being offered by the teacher of my last class, based on our final project, to turn that into the thesis. It sounds like a good idea, except the class was awful, the teacher was crap and the project sacked. I... I really want to finish, but I don't know if I want that. I don't think I can write the thesis on my own without a structured class or aid, so I'm worried about taking the "high road" and just not finishing.
I would like my thesis subject to be the feasibility of a glass recycling plant in my city as a business venture, mostly because I feel shit about throwing glass bottles to the trash and because it's kind of a entrepreneur dream of mine. There used to be one, but it moved to a much smaller city in the state, and we wonder why. In any case, glass is not collected here because it's not cost effective to drive it to the plant.
Work is okay. November was insane, since my partner had a freak accident and everything fell into my hands. She's now fine, thank God, but it made everything really hard and packed.
I continue to struggle financially. Nothing new there, though I feel a bit less concerned at the moment. For no particular reason, really! I had a nice talk with one of my brothers about affording a house and how I never see myself having the financial security my parents have. And he made me realize that's dumb. One, because we keep growing and doing better in our jobs, no matter how gradually. And two, because we are not in a void. My parents built their life on the foundation my grandparents help them build, and that legacy didn't end when they graduated or married or whatever. They helped each other every day of their lives, and they he'll their brothers and sisters, and into that legacy of love I was brought up and will remain until the end of my days. And I will pass that on. We are very blessed and we must remember that, so we can give to others even when we feel overwhelmed. Because it's never as hard as we think.
I also found a new home for Ahri, he dog I rescued! Right on Thanksgiving, too! She was adopted by three roommates, they seem to be happy with her and her crazy ways. I miss her but now my dogs are both back home and everything is back to normal! I'm so glad we found her a good home!
Baby Peanut is a delight, though he has been sick this past month. Nothing serious, but he hasnt been feeling great, the poor thing. He is loving Christmas this year, all the lights and the tree and my parents Christmas train, my in law decorations, the stores... He is so gleeful! I'm loving this time of year with him.
Cookie and I are also now trying for another baby. It's mostly just not preventing at this point, since it's hard to keep a much more active love life. Baby Peanut's schedule remains the best birth control we have. But we'll see! Maybe! I'm excited! I mentioned that if we want three kids before I turn 35, we should probably get on the program. And he said yeah, we probably should, and then just stopped preventing. And here we are! I either get my period in the next few days or we got really lucky, so we'll see. I'll keep you posted!
domingo, 6 de noviembre de 2016
A year and a half
Baby Peanut is so 18 months old! A full year and a half has gone by (and then another week, since I didn't write about this when the 28th turned aroud).
What's new? Well, he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars. He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall. He loves to dance. He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah! Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night, though he asks for milk once a night usually. But his bottle is right there so. . . Easy peasy.
It hasn't made much of an impact in my life, the change in sleep. I thought it would, but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better. I am not particularly better rested these days. I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship, though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while, I was crying over everything, having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal, though.
I tried St. John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.
I am feeling very desperate these days, though, about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off. December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that. I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean. I have tried, but every month is something different that is a money black hole. The robbery, the dogs, this month is the car insurance, next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . . I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.
The MBA is four weeks from being over. I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is. I should be doing homework right now, instead of writing here, but I felt like crying. This week I got an assignment turned back, the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over, because it doesn't fit the content of the week. Except it does, he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them. I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back, because obviously it would make him lose face. So fuck me instead, right? I can do useless homework all day. The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen. I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it, how can any teacher do what he us doing. Just. Why bother with any of this.
I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday. I know what the long term plan is. But knowing is not helping me get through this. My day to day feels like such a struggle, the long term just doesn't carry much weight right now.
My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose, and had to have surgery. Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands, and it's very clear to me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried. But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort. I just. . . Can't. Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass. But I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.
Being in debt makes me crazy. Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it, not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work, but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . . I know plenty of people have it worst than me. I know this. I am fine. I can pay this debt. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have the support of my loved ones. Please, God, just let me stay one step ahead of this madness. Help me find my peace. Help me be patient. Please, God.
I can't do it all. Help me figure this out.
What's new? Well, he has all his baby teeth except for the 2 year old molars. He weights 11.3 kg and 81 cms tall. He loves to dance. He's fully weaned and mostly sleeps through the night (! ! ). Yeah! Once I weaned him he started to sleep through the night, though he asks for milk once a night usually. But his bottle is right there so. . . Easy peasy.
It hasn't made much of an impact in my life, the change in sleep. I thought it would, but I guess I was sleeping more than I thought, or resting better. I am not particularly better rested these days. I am still mourning our breastfeeding relationship, though I am through with the hormonal rollercoaster. It was really bad for a while, I was crying over everything, having tremors and insomnia. I still don't feel 100% normal, though.
I tried St. John's Worth capsules but I haven't seen much of a difference.
I am feeling very desperate these days, though, about money and work and the MBA. I am in some debt, and I don't have enough money coming from unfinished projects to pay it off. December is also coming so I have to pay end of the year bonuses and I have no money reserved for that. I have done a terrible job this year at keeping my finances lean. I have tried, but every month is something different that is a money black hole. The robbery, the dogs, this month is the car insurance, next month is Christmas and the end of year bonuses. . . I will need to ask Cookie to bail me out of the debt but it makes me feel like an absolute failure.
The MBA is four weeks from being over. I can't stand what an absolute waste of time it is. I should be doing homework right now, instead of writing here, but I felt like crying. This week I got an assignment turned back, the teacher thinks I copied it and wants me to do it over, because it doesn't fit the content of the week. Except it does, he just forgot what the presentations he sent over actually have in them. I pointed out where I got the content from and he won't track back, because obviously it would make him lose face. So fuck me instead, right? I can do useless homework all day. The other class is a completely waste of time and oxygen. I can't wrap my head around the fraud that it is to charge for it, how can any teacher do what he us doing. Just. Why bother with any of this.
I know why I'm doing it, and Cookie tries to motivate me and remind me I need the master degree if I want to go back to teaching someday. I know what the long term plan is. But knowing is not helping me get through this. My day to day feels like such a struggle, the long term just doesn't carry much weight right now.
My friend P had an accident on Monday and broke her nose, and had to have surgery. Everything from our side business suddenly fell into my hands, and it's very clear to me right now that I couldn't care less about it if I tried. But I don't want to let it all fall through because I know she's really making and effort. I just. . . Can't. Maybe it's just an emotional hurdle that I am refusing to pass. But I need to draw a line somewhere. I can't find a place to draw it and I feel cornered.
Being in debt makes me crazy. Working all the time and being so tired and having nothing to show for it, not being able to enjoy the fruits of that work, but just barely getting by all the time with the water juuuuust under my chin. . . I know plenty of people have it worst than me. I know this. I am fine. I can pay this debt. I am healthy. I have a beautiful family. I have the support of my loved ones. Please, God, just let me stay one step ahead of this madness. Help me find my peace. Help me be patient. Please, God.
I can't do it all. Help me figure this out.
lunes, 3 de octubre de 2016
Sudden weaning and the mourning of our breastfeeding relationship
Well.
This was a weekend indeed.
Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around. When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.
You know where this is going.
So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously, I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around. I kept thinking of the Bible, of all things. "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." So we had a family discussion, in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house, or pay for more vet bills, or take in all the dogs I ever run into) and I just fell into a hole of despair.
When we left it was raining a lot, and we couldn't find the dog. My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking... She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.
So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much). So I did.
I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay, not even too thin, and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly. We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana. It went... Okayish. They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay, more like from Odin to Lana, Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother) but things have been okay. I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection. Expensive vet bills and all, I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.
Anyway.
On Sunday we were piled together in bed, me, Cookie and the baby, both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA. Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower, and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm. I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS) and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby. We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case, because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.
Shit.
And because of the meds, I had to stop breastfeeding.
I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end. I am... So, so sad. It's so hard to give this up, I am not prepared. I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and... Now it's over.
In theory we could start over in two days. But.. I don't think it's fair to him, to ask him to wean twice.
This was the most difficult, rewarding, amazing thing I have ever done. It was bigger than me, it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.
Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.
No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.
There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.
But oh, we will never be one again in this life.
This was a weekend indeed.
Friday night we went to visit our in-laws and only my FIL was around. When we arrived there was a scrawny white dog outside his house.
You know where this is going.
So Eli and I both make an emotional production about the poor little dog because seriously, I cannot see a dog in distress at the doorstep and just turn around. I kept thinking of the Bible, of all things. "Whatever you did for one of the last of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." So we had a family discussion, in which Cookie was the voice of reason (we can't fit another dog in our house, or pay for more vet bills, or take in all the dogs I ever run into) and I just fell into a hole of despair.
When we left it was raining a lot, and we couldn't find the dog. My FIL let us know she had been mounted by several dogs, and I just kept thinking... She's thin and on the streets and probably pregnant and she'll have her puppies in December out in the cold and gahhh.
So on Saturday Cookie said I should go check if she was still there and pick her up (because he is a darling and he loves me very much). So I did.
I took her to the vet and she seems mostly okay, not even too thin, and I found a lonely tick after checking her thoroughly. We applied venom for ticks and gave her some meds and brought her home to meet Odin and Lana. It went... Okayish. They haven't gotten quite used to each other and there is no instant love like between Odin and Lana (okay, more like from Odin to Lana, Lana is still not sure she super likes her asshole brother) but things have been okay. I had another vet visit today and will take Odin later too for a probable ear infection. Expensive vet bills and all, I hope I can spay her and give her up for adoption.
Anyway.
On Sunday we were piled together in bed, me, Cookie and the baby, both my men asleep and me reading for the MBA. Baby Peanut woke up after napping/nursing for like an hour and got up to take a shower, and I discovered a tick had bitten me under my arm. I panicked a bit (I HATE THOSE SHIT BUGS) and went out of the shower to tell Cookie to check himself and the baby. We called our doctor and I was prescribed a dose of meds juuuuust in case, because there's been fatal cases of RMSF in the city.
Shit.
And because of the meds, I had to stop breastfeeding.
I took the meds last night after putting my baby to sleep at my breast. That was the end. I am... So, so sad. It's so hard to give this up, I am not prepared. I wanted this to be gentle and to slowly drop feedings and... Now it's over.
In theory we could start over in two days. But.. I don't think it's fair to him, to ask him to wean twice.
This was the most difficult, rewarding, amazing thing I have ever done. It was bigger than me, it was my body doing things I didn't know it could do. It taught me to tune in into the flows of my life and his life as they entwined.
Nine months I carried him. We had seventeen months of being one for brief moments each day. Never again will I be able to sooth and solve all his pains and woes like this. Never again, until we meet after this life, will we be one. It's painful. I am mourning. I have to deny him again and again and explain sweetly that mommy loves him very much, but the milk is gone.
No more sweaty baby sleeping at my breast. No more twinkly eyes and muffles laughs as he sucks and plays with me.
There will be new ways to bond, new experiences. This was bound to happen someday, sooner rather than later. He will always be my baby.
But oh, we will never be one again in this life.
martes, 27 de septiembre de 2016
End of summer
Tomorrow Baby Peanut will be 17 months old, or one month shy of a year and a half. How quickly time flies! He's currently sleeping next to me after a very cranky evening/day. Poor dude, I guess he's tired. He can probably pick up that Mom and Dad are all wired up after the burglary.
I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while. It's weird, I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place. So I guess he has been improving! I don't think I mentioned before, but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old. He can now eat cheese! And yogurt! And eat cereal with milk, and pizza, and cream, and cake and chocolate and just anything he sees! Which means that so do I!!! That was a big, nice change. He loves ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt. I still try to keep him from eating crap food, but I don't like forbidding foods, I feel like it just makes them more attractive. He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake, so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.
Sleep is still fractured. He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way, so it was hard for a couple of weeks. But before that, I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being, cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all, so obviously he was making up with night calories.
I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep. I am sleeping two or three hours between takes, so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago. I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed, unless I spend the night with him on it. It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week, but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy. So I either climb back down with him or pull him into our bed again. Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it. It's not worth the trouble.
Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say, Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out. Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it. I don't even mind, to be honest, I don't know what the big deal is.
Do I wish he had weaned by now? Maybe, yeah. It would be nice to wear all of my clothes, regardless of the ease of access to my boobs. I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep. But I also love cradling him like a baby, and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs. I love his heavy, sweaty little body. I am in awe of how fast he's growing, how big he is, how smart and human he is. It's such a short stage, even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD, like, capital HARD and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know, an entire human being is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis, what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea. But it's so short.
Almost a year and a half is gone. When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough? Am I producing enough milk? Did he pee and poop enough today? Is he breathing? It was so exhausting. I was worried about his survival all the time. Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies, pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess. It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress. I do my best to let him be. He's turning out to be a joy of a little person. This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man? I never thought I was capable of so much love, never knew I was this strong.
Cookie and I are doing much better too. There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May. We do what we can, we take care of each other, we make it through another day. I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming, inexplicable, but also a conscious, faithful decision. We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.
I realized I haven't written much about his sleep in a while. It's weird, I feel like not much has changed but when I read my last sleep entry it just takes me back to a much worse place. So I guess he has been improving! I don't think I mentioned before, but he finally managed to overcome his lactose intolerance and silent reflux a few weeks after he turned 13 months old. He can now eat cheese! And yogurt! And eat cereal with milk, and pizza, and cream, and cake and chocolate and just anything he sees! Which means that so do I!!! That was a big, nice change. He loves ice cream and chocolate and cookies and yogurt. I still try to keep him from eating crap food, but I don't like forbidding foods, I feel like it just makes them more attractive. He is observing excellent portion control even with things like cookies and cake, so I want to encourage a healthy relationship with food.
Sleep is still fractured. He cut a canine last week and another two are on the way, so it was hard for a couple of weeks. But before that, I had been somewhat successful cutting down the milk takes at night from 4 or 5 to 2 or 3. I am back to just letting him be for the time being, cutting teeth is no fun for him and he wasn't eating much at all, so obviously he was making up with night calories.
I'm feeling pretty zen about his sleep. I am sleeping two or three hours between takes, so that's a great improvement over an hour and a half or less from a few months ago. I can function much better! He is not really sleeping on his bed, unless I spend the night with him on it. It's a comfy matress so I do it a couple of times a week, but whenever I climb into my bed he wakes up in less than an hour and asks for mommy. So I either climb back down with him or pull him into our bed again. Other nights he starts in our bed and just sleeps there, screw it. It's not worth the trouble.
Another great development is that sometimes Cookie can put him down to sleep. Or, I guess it's more accurate to say, Cookie can sit down with him while he falls asleep when I am already passed out. Which also means he doesn't always falls asleep at the breast! That too is kind of new - he always kind of could fall asleep without the breast but he still prefers it. I don't even mind, to be honest, I don't know what the big deal is.
Do I wish he had weaned by now? Maybe, yeah. It would be nice to wear all of my clothes, regardless of the ease of access to my boobs. I would be nice to sleep all night or to have personal time after he goes to sleep. But I also love cradling him like a baby, and I love his smiles and the twinkle of his eyes when he's nursing and I'm tickling him and singing silly songs. I love his heavy, sweaty little body. I am in awe of how fast he's growing, how big he is, how smart and human he is. It's such a short stage, even if it doesn't quite feel like it because it's HARD, like, capital HARD and strenuous and exhausting and stressful and you know, an entire human being is being formed in your care and you can barely take care of yourself on the daily basis, what the he'll are you doing and who thought putting you in charge was a good idea. But it's so short.
Almost a year and a half is gone. When he was a little tiny baby all I could think was is he eating enough? Am I producing enough milk? Did he pee and poop enough today? Is he breathing? It was so exhausting. I was worried about his survival all the time. Nowadays he sits on his chair and I serve rice and meat and veggies, pour water in a mug and he eats with his hands and his fork and his spoon and when he gets bored he throws food to the dogs and I worry about him not breaking the cup or doing a mess. It's certainly a less dramatic kind of stress. I do my best to let him be. He's turning out to be a joy of a little person. This journey of discovering who he is and helping him become a man? I never thought I was capable of so much love, never knew I was this strong.
Cookie and I are doing much better too. There's been some bad days but nothing like it was back in May. We do what we can, we take care of each other, we make it through another day. I'm grateful we can do this together. Parenthood has been a lesson about Love in every aspect. How it can be overwhelming, inexplicable, but also a conscious, faithful decision. We made a promise to each other and we're working together because it's worth keeping.
viernes, 23 de septiembre de 2016
Everything is vanity
I had a rough day yesterday. After leaving home at 9 am to take Baby Peanut to my mother's place, I had breakfast with her and then went back home to do homework. When I parked outside the fence was open and the front door was wide open as well. No signs of the dogs.
In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV, the game boy and some games, my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles. They stole our calm and safety. They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.
I am thankful that it was just things. Thankful for my dogs' safety. Thankful I wasn't home, and that I didn't return while they were still there. I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.
I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed. I was an adult! I think! I did call my mom right after the cops, to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood, before I found them in the bedroom. I called Cookie, and my father in law (because the rifles, I had no idea of what we had). But... It was weird, after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes, that this was.. Manageable.
Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed. I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you. But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.
Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes. It made me feel better.
All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.
Nothing we do or experience is permanent. All things keep on changing and still, staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe. Our lives are so short. We better enjoy what matters, because it will be here for only a second.
In less than an hour the people who broke into our home stole our TV, the game boy and some games, my engagement ring and a few hunting rifles. They stole our calm and safety. They were considerate enough to trap our dogs inside a bedroom so they wouldn't run away.
I am thankful that it was just things. Thankful for my dogs' safety. Thankful I wasn't home, and that I didn't return while they were still there. I'm so thankful that we were spared all the worst things that could have happened.
I am surprised I managed to field the whole thing while staying mostly composed. I was an adult! I think! I did call my mom right after the cops, to ask her to go search for the dogs around the neighborhood, before I found them in the bedroom. I called Cookie, and my father in law (because the rifles, I had no idea of what we had). But... It was weird, after so many small things have sent me into anxiety attacks and awful episodes, that this was.. Manageable.
Tomorrow we'll get an alarm system installed. I don't think there is anything that you can do when people want to harm you. But I also saw a lot of good people that were willing to help.
Yesterday's reading was from Eclessiastes. It made me feel better.
All rivers go to the sea,
Yet never does the sea become full.
To the place where they go,
The rivers keep on going.
Nothing we do or experience is permanent. All things keep on changing and still, staying the same. Our tribulations are so small for God and the universe. Our lives are so short. We better enjoy what matters, because it will be here for only a second.
domingo, 21 de agosto de 2016
To the mom in the park
We met yesterday at the park, you with your husband and your 14 month old and me with Cookie and our 15 month old. You looked younger than us, and you seemed worried about everything about your baby. When our husbands went off to catch pokemons (the real reason we were all there) you asked me how old our baby was, two years? And worried about how small your baby was, how thin, and asked if our baby was in daycare. How you were going crazy staying in all day with him, but you couldn't decide if it was a good idea to part with him. You worried about how little he spoke (I know I worry about that too and your baby had more words than Baby Peanut) and confessed, with almost an apology, that he had always been breastfed and was still breastfeeding.
Mom At the Park, I wanna tell you, your baby is perfect. I'm not saying this in a bullshitty way, like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are, too, says my instinct and my heart). But he spoke well, he had great coordination, he shared rocks with Elias, he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw. Your baby is developmentally normal. Perfect.
Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones. Stop worrying. Don't apologize, and certainly not to me, a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.
I know I worry too. I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight too, because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet... He's meeting his milestones. He's happy and crazy and fine. Sure, he's big, compared to your baby. Or your baby, he's small, compared to mine. But did you see them compare each other? They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff. They grow. They play. They are happy.
Let's not worry so much, you and I. I didn't mention, because I felt a little weird, but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday. Your baby is adorable and perfect. You are doing a great job.
I know it's hard to believe. But I think we both are.
Mom At the Park, I wanna tell you, your baby is perfect. I'm not saying this in a bullshitty way, like how all babies are perfect no matter what (though they are, too, says my instinct and my heart). But he spoke well, he had great coordination, he shared rocks with Elias, he walked and climbed and sat up and down and drank from a cup with a straw. Your baby is developmentally normal. Perfect.
Perhaps it's not often that normal and perfect are used as synonyms, but it doesn't matter what weight percentile your baby falls in if he's staying in his curve and developing all his milestones. Stop worrying. Don't apologize, and certainly not to me, a stranger in the park that also still breastfeeds her gigant headed 15 month old.
I know I worry too. I mentioned his lack of words and his giant head and I didn't say anything but I worry about his weight too, because he used to be super chubby and he's becoming lean and I read that's normal but he's falling odd his curve and yet... He's meeting his milestones. He's happy and crazy and fine. Sure, he's big, compared to your baby. Or your baby, he's small, compared to mine. But did you see them compare each other? They were trading rocks and playing with sticks and touching each other and giggling. They don't worry about that stuff. They grow. They play. They are happy.
Let's not worry so much, you and I. I didn't mention, because I felt a little weird, but I should have said so anyway: you looked really pretty yesterday. Your baby is adorable and perfect. You are doing a great job.
I know it's hard to believe. But I think we both are.
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