All my ducks in a row

38 weeks and two days today! I had a visit with the doctor yesterday, and ended with a date for a c-section. So August 10th, that's our date with baby Oz! Can't wait to meet him!! Sadly, the pelvic exam showed no cervix maturation at all, it's still really high and long. Baby hasn't descended yet, even though he is in position, just... No progress. I have been having contractions on and off since Tuesday, walking a lot, been on hands and knees.. Done what I could to help him descend. But nothing yet. It's very unlikely that he will be born naturally before the c-section date, but it could still happen, I guess. I feel some what disappointed, but I suppose there is nothing I can do about it. I am afraid of the c-section, but I know I can do this.

Baby Oz is measuring a week behind on his measurements, but seems to weight about 3.100 kg. So not that small! Amniotic liquid is still fine, and the placenta looks pretty mature and calcified. So... He is just about ready! I will be 39 weeks on Thursday, so. I think we are ready for showtime.

I haven't felt that great this week, between the heat and the awful swelling. My hands and feet hurt a lot, and I feel like someone kicked my public bone, just.. Sore all over. Plus the contractions, even if they aren't exactly painful, it's like mild cramps and lots of tightness. But I managed to get all my work done! I finished updating the plans for the vineyard restaurant and looks like I'll get that part of the job paid next week (just sent my invoice!). The house I designed with my friend P is done, we will meet the clients for the (hopefully) last time on Monday. I hope we get that finalized and paid, so that will only leave my brother left to pay. That makes me feel a bit less stressed! Work will be slow for a while and that is fine with me.

Cookie is right smack in the middle of his seasonal depression, though I know he is making an effort to be calm and cool at home, it's definitely making his life hard at work and just making him feel low and short tempered. But he knows what he is feeling and that it has nothing to do with anything other than his hormonal cycles, and I know it's not related to us or the baby or anything else, so hopefully we can navigate this without too much pain. He gets worse as August progresses, though, so we are just getting started. I'm gonna be a bit engrossed with the baby and Peanut, but I hope I remember he needs emotional support too. And that the circumstances pull him out of it a bit too!

So despite all my attempts... I didn't get much time to rest or get my house in order. But I managed some! I might still have time to sort my desk, even. Sadly, the thing that was completely relegated was my thesis. I don't know when I'll have time to work on it or finish it. I really hope I can have some progress on it by December, but who knows. I hope, as life changes again and everything falls back into a new place, I'll find time to close that chapter of my life. I think, if it's all harder than I think, next year when Peanut starts kindergarten, I'll have a chance to finish it. A year is a long time to go! But I would rather enjoy my babies than anything else.

I'm so excited! And scared! I hope it all go es well!

37 weeks

Time is going by so fast these last weeks! So much work left to do, and preparations, I am a bit of a worried mess. I had been feeling pretty good until the heat returned this week. My feet hurt so bad every time I stand up, and I have officially gained more weight than with Peanut's whole pregnancy. I'm 17.5 kg over my starting weight, which was 59 kg. With Eli I gained 17 kg total and started at 58, and he was born st 39 weeks and 1 day. So. I will most likely reach 19 kg by the end of this pregnancy :S I think a big part of that is water weight, my legs look like overstuffed sausages, no ankles left! It looks a bit scary by the end of the day, to be honest.

On the work front: vineyard restaurant on hold because they haven't paid the last advance. The house I'm working at with P is nearing the end of the project, next week we can turn it in, I think. Still not getting paid anywhere. My brother asked me for some time, and the new consultation I started this month for a construction company pays per client, but at the end of each process. So. Though I have seen six clients this month, I probably won't be finishing their process until October or so.

I did end up going shopping despite my attempts to curb my spending and its... Infuriating. I need better self control. I bought a toy for when baby Isaac meets Elías (that, or his Christmas gift, I might just pack it away), Christmas presents for one of my nephews (clothes), a birthday present for one of my nephews that turns 3 tomorrow (a lunchbox), lanolin for breastfeeding and a post partum belly lotion. Uhm, also some breastfeeding underwear and a blush, clearance winter pants and some clothes for both the kids, and two t-shirts for Cookie that I am super pissed about because I laundered them yesterday and they shrunk to the point where even I can't wear them. Wtf? So... Clearly I bought too much stuff. Even if it's things we'll use (and some we really needed), I'm annoyed at myself.

The whole Christmas shopping in July is maybe extreme, but I try to buy things on sale for my nephews and nieces because there are so many now! It looks like we will make a gift exchange this year, to reduce the amount of stuff they get, so I should be good for it now!

I took my car for a thorough cleaning today and will pick it up in a few, and then I'll install the baby seat. That's another thing off my list! I have my hospital bag ready, and next week will have people over to clean our furniture. On Friday I will head for an exam with the doctor and we'll check my cervix to see where we are. I am still hoping for a VBAC. Baby Oz weights 2.6 kg now, so he's smaller than Peanut was. I hope we can do it! The waiting is almost over!

Cast iron skillet and the quest to reduce waste

I am still very much pregnant (35 weeks!) and the heat is still pretty awful, though rain has finally started! Quite late for the season, but yay for rain! The downside is that downcast days always make my blood pressure drop so I have been feeling much sluggier. I had a couple of great weeks, after the doctor  sent me extra iron. Apparently I was borderline anemic for quite a while!

A couple months ago I saw an 8" cast iron skillet at the grocery store. They aren't common and I had been curious for a long time, so I bought one. The thing is, I have an on and off affair with cooking, sometimes I don't really have time for long seasons to cook proper, time consuming meals, or to experiment. But then I do, or something spurs my excitement again, and it's so much fun! And so much more budget conscious! So today I decided to try and season my skillet, which got me really excited, and I am cooking my first steak in it right now! I am already seeing how I'm gonna get all THIS IS MY NEW THING over it. It all started with being excited to cook again, but it quickly tied to how long lasting these things are. I heard this guy say, "if you are lucky to have inherited a skillet from your grandma..." and it totally blew my mind. I would love to have had inherited a skillet from my grandma! That's so awesome! I have been married for only four years and I have already given away my most used Teflon pan and another one is really ugly and burned. It never occurred to me that this one was made to last generations.

I'm currently attempting to lower our waste output as much as possible. I had gotten really lazy about the compost, was buying mini boxed juices for Peanut and feeling bad about the straws and the sugar and all around just... Feeling like I wasn't making enough of an effort. So I am trying! Cold composting our kitchen vegetable scraps, using less plastic and buying things with the least amount possible of packaging. It means making a lot of decisions while shopping! I am also trying to be more frugal, which is NOT an easy thing for me. I shop to entertain myself, to relieve stress, when I'm sad, when I'm happy.. Just. Gahhh. But I'm trying to have a more minimal lifestyle. Trying! I don't want my boys to learn from mom that we can find solace in things.

I am also struggling financially a lot lately. I finished the construction for my brother last Friday. It took over a month to finish all of the last details, and the electrician abandoned the construction without finishing and after I had fully paid him. So I had to pay out of my pocket for what was unfinished and the stuff he took with him. It wasn't that much but... Well. My brother hasn't paid me a cent since March. I am very strapped right now. Other projects arena still ongoing (the design for the restaurant is near done, and a house I'm doing with my friend P is going well), but no money from those until they are done. I did finish the plans for the house for the project I was waiting on the engineers, but that money has come and gone (it wasn't much to start with, just a bit more than the electrician fiasco actually).

I also found out I was in deep trouble with my taxes about a month ago. My previous accountant screwed me over by lazying around to the point where I had missed documentation since December 2014. My current accountant has been doing magic, turning over all the super overdue paperwork and making magic. So far it seems like I owe about 1/10 of what I had initially calculated, so she must be a warlock. I just found out last night it won't be as much as I had thought, which has me in a better mood than I had been in a while! Specially because I didn't have money to pay the initial amount I had calculated. I told Cookie about the whole shitstorm and he has been very supportive and was going to help me pay it, but looks like I might be able to cover it after all. I inquired and apparently there is nothing I can do about or to my previous accountant. Just, too bad! You got screwed! Better luck next time!

Downsizing on expenses is the best I can do at the moment, specially because I won't have any savings to fall back on while I'm on 'maternity leave'. Part of the joys of being your own boss (and obviously, of being crap at trying to provide some security for yourself). I hope I learn some lessons out of this.

I am focusing on the good and the exciting though. Baby Peanut is fully potty trained and has been since the end of June! Even night potty training is done! He started to take off his diaper one day before sleep and we gave in and put him in underwear. Soon awesome! It was a mostly painless process, I am super proud of him. It was all over in two months! We are still bedsharing (whateverrrrr) but he is showering 4 or 5 days a week. Success!! He got excited about the shower after seeing his older cousins at my in laws' house use it, and now there is barely any drama! Hurray! This is great news because I can't really pick him up from his tub anymore. He is around 13.5 kg and I am so damn big right now, it's just really hard (I do it if he won't agree to the shower, but I would rather let him off the hook and not bath him at all if it comes to that). Baby Oz will be here soon! He weights 2.35 kg and is in position and I will do what I can do help him engage, hopefully I can have my VBAC. But if not, I will be okay. I know a c section recovery, I know I can do this. I can be a good mom. Not everyday, not all day, but I try my best, and these two boys will be the work of my life. I love them too much to fail.

31 weeks and freaking out

This heaaaaat, my God. It's been 40°C all of last week and it looks like all of this wee will be 38°C and up. It's horrible, I don't know what I expected but pregnancy and this heat wave is just awful, I never feel dehydrated, but my pressure drops and I get nauseated. I know now that *that's* how dehydration is looking right now, so I'm drinking quite a lot of Gatorade. I know it's not optimal, but plain water doesn't get my pressure up and electrolytes taste horrible.

Work is EXACTLY the same as it was two weeks ago. Construction still not finished (I hope this is the last week). Still waiting for the engineer to send me the house calculations to finish that project. The vineyard is going very slowly - that one is entirely my fault. I got obsessed with the cleaning and decluttering and didn't work on it very much the past two weeks. My kitchen is looking amazing though! So open! I have done about half of Peanut and Oz's closet, and half the pantry too. My desk and the laundry, though, remain awful.

We had to fix our water pump last week and I had to buy a new washer. Mine broke again for the second time in six months and the repair was half what a refurbished one was, so... Screw it. The new washer is pretty awesome but it's been an expensive couple of weeks.

Potty training had a bit of a curve ball last week, with Peanut having a regression and deciding not tell us when he had to use the potty. But we seem to be back on track and we have had two nights of dry diapers, so perhaps we can transition to NO DIAPERS AT ALL in the next few weeks! That would be pretty cool. I am super proud of Baby Peanut, he has been a champ through all of the training and it hasn't been anywhere as painful as I thought it would be.

I am flirting with getting the Marie Kondo book but I fear I will go crazy with the de clutter given how strong my nesting is going already. But.. It sounds like something that I would love so much!

For the past month or so I have been doing some lactation consultations! All for free, obviously, since I don't have any certifications. I have enjoyed them a lot! So far only with two women, but one of them is a very young single mom and she needs a lot of reassurance, so we keep in touch and talk about her progress and problems a lot. It has been really rewarding helping other moms! And a great reminder that the first eight weeks of a baby are No Joke. I hope baby Oz and I have a smooth breastfeeding start. I hope baby Oz is healthy and all goes well. I am scared. But all that is left to do is wait.

It recently occurred to me that this might be my last pregnancy. I would like to have at least another baby, but... Who knows. I'm scared and hope everything goes well at the birth and that we can add to our family in a couple of years again but who knows if we will be able to. One of our friends is undergoing fertility treatments to try and conceive for the first time. We are crossing our fingers for them. This is such a rocky road... Who knows what's in store for all of us. I hope I can enjoy and connect with baby Oz instead of going through so many months of PPD like with Peanut. Time goes by so fast, I can't believe Peanut is already a toddler.

The state of this anxious mind

I'm starting to feel like there is no more time for anything. The baby will be here in 10 weeks, at most. Work is not finished or close to, so I'm thinking about dropping whatever is left. But then... I am so broke, it's been a couple of expensive months between baby preparations and our trip to the beach. I don't know what to do!

The master and building plans for a house I designed last year are almost done, at least. I am waiting on some info from the client, and from plans from the engineers. But my part is pretty much done, at least. That only leaves my brother's construction  which is.. Going OK but just not ending in time, and the restaurant/vineyard protect. This is the one I'm thinking of dropping. I hope I can ramp up my productivity the next two weeks or so. Whatever is left after that... Well. I guess we'll see. I just wish  could take a break!

I'm debating whether or not to have a baby shower. On the one hand, I don't really need much for this baby. On the other hand.. I feel a bit lousy not celebrating this baby too! If he was a girl I would probably have one, so... I kinda think I should plan something. My mom hates them so I feel awkward bringing it up. My friend P has offered help, so maybe I'll do the tacky thing and throw it myself with her help?

I bought a new car seat for Peanut this week so I can wash and prepare his old one for baby Oz. I also finally sent the designs to the carpenter for Peanut's bed and for baby Oz's side sleeper. I hope we'll get them soon! Other than getting those things, I think we are mostly set. Peanut's potty training is going fantastic. We barely have any accidents, he's wearing underwear all day now and there has been no drama. He just goes! I'm so glad he showed interest around the time we wanted to try and teach him. This should definitely teach me a lesson that it really is not about what I want but about what he is ready and willing to try.

Bedsharing has been uncomfortable lately. Peanut hugs me most of the night or just has to be touching me somehow to sleep calmly. Which is very sweet, but also hot and not easy, specially this pregnant. I don't really want to fight him for this, though. I guess he feels like he needs the extra reassurance, and he'll sleep on his own when he feels he can. His new bed will put his mattress just 10 cms below ours, so I think that will help.

Nesting this time around feels like a lot of cleaning and decluttering and organizing. I am almost done organizing our closet, which I feel has never looked better. I bought pregnancy clothes that fit *me*, instead of using everything borrowed. That has helped my mood! If I never wear them again it's okay. I accept this might just be a one summer wardrobe, but feeling frumpy and wearing big, not-me styles was getting me down. Next on my decluttering list is my desk (ngggghhhh), our laundry room (ngahhhhhhh) and Peanut's closet. Maybe our kitchen, if time allows. It probably won't, given the state of everything else :S

This pregnancy has also been a bit different  in that I am not as hairy! Ha ha, no Chewbacca belly this time around. And the linea nigra is also much fainter. Still no stretch marks *crosses fingers* though so far I have put on 12.8 kg. Yikes.

I asked about the thesis revisions this week. I haven't heard anything from the school or my brother, despite seeing him pretty much everyday and getting his house-related texts a gazillion times a day, that oh yeah, they are bugging him about the finished projects. Like why haven't we turned them in. I got so frustrated!!! I haven't worked on it at all because we had a deadline and THEN we were supposed to get some input. I know I should still be working to finish it, I accept now that I probably won't finish it this year at all, but he could have at some point said "Hey, there is still time and they are expecting you to turn the finished project in the next two months" OR SOMETHING. When I said, well, so be it, I don't have time to finish it now, he was all "oh, you can still do it and send it to me in these next weeks". Hmmhnnmmhnmmm. Yeah no that's a) not a real deadline and b) I am swamped with work and so damn pregnant and I can't really write half a thesis in the "next weeks" however many weeks that might be. 2? 3? 6? Gah. I feel so frustrated and like such a failure. I know I'll get around it. Sometime. Probably next year, when Peanut starts kindergarten so baby Oz can stay with my mom. I don't know what work will look like for a while, with both babies in tow. I can't really leave them both with my mom, so. I assume I will stop working for a while, or at the very least take it very slow.

Things not unlike the first pregnancy? How scared I am for what the future will look like. It's weird, it's like mourning my current identity all over again. I didn't think it would be that different, but... The unknown is always scary. I am so excited for baby Oz though. I can't wait to meet you little one. Mommy loves you so much already.

Leave it up to fate

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and debating whether to change doctors. I'm leaning towards no at this point but I think I need to check some options anyway. My doctor - she delivered Peanut- is not super behind the idea of having a vaginal birth after my last c section.  I know I have a good chance at having a natural birth, so I really want to aim for one. She says I wouldn't be allowed to push on the third stage of labor and instead they would use forceps, which.. :/ I have read the VBAC guidelines and it's not indicated. I don't know.

On the other hand, this baby has turned already, but looks like his head is pretty big too. He might not engage. If he doesn't engage by the 39th week I think I will just go ahead and schedule the c-section as she recommended. I'm not sure of what to do at this point.

I'm feeling really tired most days, sleep isn't great in the third trimester. The heat is also not helping at all, it was awful all of last week. It's been raining a bit this week, so that's something. Baby Peanut sleeps in his bed some nights and some nights he doesn't. Last night he slept in my arms most of the night. It can be exhausting, even though I know this is not forever. He still wakes to ask for milk once at around 3 am. But now he wants to prepare his own bottle and will cry and scream bloody murder if we don't decipher what he wants. We are having a lot more tantrums. They last up to 45 minutes, it's rough. It's very hard to keep my cool sometimes, no matter how much respectful and gentle parenting means to me. He is so big and heavy too! These past few weeks I just can't carry him up in arms for very long. He's a bit over 34 inches tall and a bit over 28 lbs.

Potty training is going okay. I have moved on to putting him in cotton underwear and he has less accidents than with pull ups. He still sleeps in a diaper though. I think he wakes dry some mornings, but not all, and putting him in the toilet first thing in the morning is just not happening right now. He wakes up angry and we usually have a shortish tantrum when he wakes. A diaper a day is pretty great improvement though, so I take it!

He is also showering some days. Not all days, but sometimes he gathers enough courage to go in the shower in the afternoon. So that's good! I had given up for the time being but on Sundays he sees his cousins shower at my in laws' place and it encouraged him to try.

We have mostly settled on Isaac as this new baby's name. He's perfectly on track in weight and growth it seems, about 1.25 kg. I have put on 12.5kg so far :S I am counting calories and trying to be more mindful of what I eat because gahhh I am so swollen, I need to stop gaining so much weight :(

Two and a half months to go. Work hasn't let up and I am not close to finishing anything. Which worries me a bit. Not much time to rest. But I hope I can wrap things up in the next 5-6 weeks. I really need to rest and prepare for baby Ozzy's birth.

On the bright side, I just bought three maternity shirts. It makes me feel good to wear stuff that fits!

26 weeks

So we are in the last week of the second trimester. I am so not ready to enter the final stretch! So much work left to do, I have done very little baby prep... Gahhh.

We began with potty training this week. At this rate I feel like it might be the only thing I accomplish before the baby is due, since Eli is back to sleeping in our bed. We went to the beach for a week and he slept with us, so coming back home and trying to get him in is bed again was like starting from zero. And I'm tired. I don't sleep very well on his single bed, it was a 10 hour drive in each direction, just... No. So we're back to bed sharing. I also gave up on getting him to take showers instead of using his baby bath. He cried a lot, obviously it was very upsetting and really the bath is not that big a deal. He'll outgrow it eventually.

Today Cookie is taking Peanut to their first baby music class. I took him to the trial class and he seemed to like it, so I HOPE they'll have a good time. It's the first time Cookie takes the baby to do something on their own. In two years. So... Yeah! I am currently enjoying the quiet house, though I have to leave for the construction in a bit.

 The trip to the beach went well. The drive there was very long, but Peanut was a champ through all of it. He was afraid of the sea and didn't like the texture of sand, and took quite a while to warm up to the pool... But we went to an aquarium and he had fun, I think, just in general. I enjoyed myself too, and I think it gave Cookie time to see Eli in better situations than their usual 7-10 pm stretch. We had a photo session with a "professional" photographer at the hotel. He wasn't very good, really, but some of the pictures were nice and I'm just glad to have nice pics of this pregnancy and the beach and all. Peanut looked adorable in all of them :) I'm off to work,  but just look at him! He is my love beyond all love.