4m20d

Today Baby Peanut is 4 months and 20 days old. It's been quite a ride. I never thought being a mom would be so... different. It sounds stupid; in retrospective, I have no idea what I was thinking while I was pregnant, all these worries about how would I return to my "normal" life, to work, to being myself. I get that no one can really know what it feels like to have your life change completely until it does, that's pretty much what change is, but still. Normal life! What did that even mean? Prepregnancy? Newlywed? Premarriage? PreCookie? PreFreelancing?

Baby Peanut is an awesome baby, he really is. Easy. I sleep little and fitfully, and he has been waking up crying, inconsolable, every day, starting at 5 am, every 20-30 minutes all the way to 8 am, past the time we're up and getting ready to work. That's the physically tough part. I don't know if it's the reflux, or night terrors, or melatonine/seratonine circadian rhythms bad juju or what (painful baby erections??? MAYBE?) So there isn't much I can do. Pick him up, soothe him, shush him, rock him, feed him. Put him next to me in bed and pat him while he cries and I groggily pretend that's helping because SLEEP DEPRIVATION ughh. 

I forgot what my point was. 

Anyway! He is an easy baby. Those three hours a day are usually the only bad ones. When he doesn't wake up crying, he opens his eyes and looks at me and smiles as he rubs his eyes and stretches and sighs. He's brilliant. It took me a while to bond with him, and the guilt over my semi robotic reactions was not helpful, but I'm there. I get it now. I love him so much.